Want to read Slashdot from your mobile device? Point it at m.slashdot.org and keep reading!

 


Forgot your password?
Close
typodupeerror
User Journal

Journal dubiousdave's Journal: I'm sorry. 39

Journal by dubiousdave
I'm sorry to tell everyone in a journal like this, but I don't know what else to do. One of my friends already knows because we were supposed to be going to our second day of the free side of SxSW. He called while they were still trying to revive her.

I found bluefairee in her bed this morning dead. She had barricaded herself in her room and taken all of her pills.

I called 911, and as always, they showed up in amazing time and a whole hospital worth of them did everthing they could, but it was too late. I don't know about emergency services in other places, but the ones in Austin are great people -- everyone from the police, the homicide detective, the ME, the victim services, the fire department, and the ambulance services.

[phone call]

Her manager just called to see if she was okay. The police called the store to see if she had worked last night. I told him the news. That would be the first of a number of notifications that I suppose will be forthcoming.

[phone call]

My friend Dan called to see if she's okay. He insisted on leaving the festival to be with me for a while. He's on his way.

Lest anyone worry, I'm not blaming myself. I'm not second-guessing everything I've done or not done. I'm not fretting over what warning signs I missed. I'm crying occasionally, but mostly thinking about what a shame it is that she wasn't surrounded by great friends and family the way I have been. I tried to share that with her, but we had 30 very ugly years to overcome, and we didn't quite manage it. I'm wondering what to do about her dog. I'm dreading dealing with her family about her possessions -- the mean, crazy mother and the recently-out-of-prison brother.

While everyone was here the part of me that is always calm and detached was observing how strange it is for all of these people to be handling something that is routine for them and a huge tragedy for the people they're dealing with.

[knock on door] Some of my neighbors saw the ambulances and came over to see if everthing was okay and if they could do anything.

[knock on door]
[nice long visit with Dan]

I guess I'll wrap this up for now. I started it about 2.5 hours ago. I'm going to heat up some leftovers from last night's dinner at Polvo's, then maybe do some cleaning. I need to clean up her room.

p.s. There's one additional pisser today. I lost my Visa check card last week and had to cancel it, just in time for World of Warcrack to try to charge this month's payment. They've suspended my account until I get new card information to them, which I can't do until I get my replacement card in the mail. They gave me a temporary ATM card immediately, but they said it would take a couple of weeks to get my replacement check card. Dammit! This would be a good time for grinding levels and mining.

This discussion has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

I'm sorry. More

I'm sorry.

Comments Filter:
  • ... and I felt what happened. DubiousDave, I can only say that what you did was one of the most heartwarming things I ever heard of. I know, it didn't go as you would have liked. I'd rather have blue alive too. I can only say: you did what you could, you did more than most people would do.

    It's a sad end... That's true, but if one isn't at fault: it's you.

    I know you know this, but I still wanted to say it once again.

    I have nothing more to say, and with tragedies like this, I should better not have

  • Condolences. This was always possible, but she had seemed better lately. I talked to her on IM not long ago, and she really seemed better.

    You were an extraordinary friend to her. Sometimes that isn't enough, though. Take good care of yourself, now.
  • It sounds from what you've written (today and previously) that bluefairee didn't have much love in her life, or many people she could rely on or turn to when she needed help and support or even just a friendly smile. You gave her that and so much more.

    You did everything you could for her but you couldn't be with her 24/7, you couldn't read her mind and you certainly couldn't dictate how she lived every minute of her life, as I'm sure other, less-positive influences in her life had tried to do.

    In the end,


  • Sad

    5 minutes ago I had a conversation with a friend about the fact that in Belgium, if you are under 35, you have more chance dying of suicide than *ANY* other cause of death. Is this the real price of the ratrace we've dubbed modern civilisation? These things make me powerless and angry, and at the same time strengthen my beliefs that we`ve got to change the way we`re progressing, change the model, change the reasons. We`ve turned life into a warzone and there`s simply too much collateral damage.

    Blue.
  • You have gone so far above and beyond the call of duty in this whole situation... My apologies are to you, that you need to experience any of the pain involved. Bless you for all you've done!

    ....Bethanie....
  • i also had a feeling about what had happened when i saw the JE title. i wish it had turned out differently. but i can't do anything to make it change. neither can you. if you need someone to chat with i'll be happy to make myself available. email me at my slashdot name at gmail and let me know your preferred method of contact, or tell me what contact info you'd like from me.

    i wish i could tell blue i'm sorry. i can't do that either.

    you still have my admiration for the thing you attempted. it was du
  • i'm crying right now. i just talked to her a few days ago. i asked how she was doing, and she said great.

    oh fuck... this hurts. i'm sorry dave. i'm really sorry. i know no one wanted it to end this way.

    i'll pray for you and blue.
    • When people are too depressed to do anything, they don't commit suicide. It's when they have come out enough to decide on a course of action that they kill themselves. Of course they're "great"; they are aren't just less depressed, they've got all their problems solved once and for all!

      Someday we'll be able to catch these things, or even eliminate the pathology of depression in the first place. That day came too late for blue. :(

    • She IMed me on Tuesday and seemed quite cheerful.

      My condolences Dave
  • Thanks for sharing with us the struggle and the entire ordeal. Some times we in "comfortable land" need to be uncomfortable to know what we have and what others do not. I felt uncomfortable reading many of the entries you posted regarding this incredible ordeal. Partly because I wondered how I would react is a similar circumstance. Partly because I was uterly powerless to help. Thank you for demonstrating the definition of love [biblegateway.com] to a neighbor.

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does no
  • you did a good and noble thing, and i am sure that all of us join together in saying if there's anything that ANY of us can do, let us know.

  • I wonder if she knew how many lives she touched. It was a valiant effort, I'm sad to hear that it is over.

    Do your best to stay sane, I would give you the gentlest of hugs, if I could...

    Pixie
  • May her soul find peace and may you find solace in the knowledge that you were an undeniable loving part of her life.

  • I'm sorry too.
  • A lesser person would have not taken on the challenge that you did. I'm proud to call you a friend.

    Don't punish yourself. "Remorse is one of the cruelest forms of self abuse." --John D. McDonald

  • Godspeed, blue.

    And Dave, you did much more than anyone could have asked for. You have my deepest sympathy and respect. Prayers for you and blue both.

    Cheers,

    Ethelred

  • Sad to hear Blue went walk about. Not too unexpected. But many, myself included, hoped she'd find something here for her to stay for.

    Take care of yourself. And thx for keeping us posted.
  • Comment removed based on user account deletion
  • I really don't know what to say.

    How a brook so small
    becomes in its wanderings
    a pathway for stars
    -Foster Jewell
  • Speaking from experience here... right now you're probably not "okay". You think you're okay, but really you're numb. The full impact hasn't hit you yet.

    It will. Probably not all at once, but as parts of your psyche come out of the novocaine of the initial shock things are going to hurt in a bunch of different ways. Be ready. The last thing I want to read is a JE by Sol or sillypixie that DubiousDave rolled his car and didn't survive, or wasn't paying attention and walked in front of a truck. (Well, maybe

  • that hasn't already been said. Good to hear you're not blaming yourself, try to hold onto that. It'll still be hard, of course, but you were up to the task of working with her while she was here, I'm sure you'll be up to this one too.
  • Comment removed based on user account deletion


    • I told you when you started this that it was a risk. I'm sorry I was right. What is happening to you today was _exactly_ the risk I saw. I am glad you aren't taking it as a personal failure, yet. Stay away from that trap. You did what you could.

      Sigh. Why would caring about the well-being of a friend - more than about risks - ever be a personal failure.. If there is anything I take home from this, it`s that ones life can be made a little better if we stick out for eachother, like Dave did for Blue!

      Dave
  • be well
  • I didn't really know about this as much as I should've Dave. I hope you're able to rest and take good care of yourself. I'm very humbled by what you had done. Take care of yourself.
  • That is news I knew could come with any new entry, but never wanted to hear. My heart goes out to you. You proved yourself the best friend she had in so many ways. Thank you.
  • We've all ready the JEs about what she was going through, and what you were dealing with. It seemed bad when I was reading it, but watching it I saw just how bad it was. Blue was a fighter and I hoped she'd just keep fighting this, but everyone gets tired and at some point it was no longer worth the effort in her mind. I know how much she cared for you and she probably justified it in her mind as "setting you free" from dealing with it.

    I've seen your strength, so I'm not worried about you dealing with t

  • Thats rough. I know you did your best. My heart goes out to you.
  • because it's been said several times here already. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    ^_^

  • You did everything you could.
  • I don't post all the time, or know everyone, or all that, but reading about Blue today made stop and think. Dave, I don't really know you, or read your journal, but the way everyone's been writing about you, you have to be a damn fine man. And it sounds like you helped Blue when no one else would.

    Blue, didn't know you, just got caught up today. I'm sorry I missed you. Your friends will miss you.

    Good luck, we're here to talk...

    Sean D.
  • Been out of the /. loop, so I only found out the news because Leo posted it in his DA journal.

    Rest in peace, Blue.

    And Dave, you are the best and truest friend that anyone could wish for. And don't for a moment thing otherwise. :(

    -MT.
  • you are a special person to do what you did and I hope that she has found some type of peace.
  • Despite the end result, what you did for blue for all this time was wonderful. Let us know if there is anything you need.

Slashdot Top Deals

A company is known by the men it keeps.

Close