Hello "Fellow Jihadi warrior of peace"! My name is Peggy, how can I help you with your terror related problem today?
In order to better serve your Jihad needs, please make a selection from the following menu of options....
Press 1 if you would like to suggest an evil plot to frighten the world. (Note, we are not accepting ideas involving Paris at this time due to local personnel availability)
Press 2 if you need help with communications, configuring computers, finding a place to charge your phone or getting a cell signal.
Press 3 if you need help with explosive devices, destroying alarm clocks or need to schedule detonation call time.
Press 4 if you would like to enroll in Obama care, pay your IRS fines, or file your taxes.
Press 5 if you need help submitting pictures and video (staged or real) of collateral damage to Al Jazeera and other sympathetic media outlets like ABC, CBS or NBC or getting advice on how to artificially inflate casualty counts, civilian deaths or harm to women and children.
Press 6 if you would like to report a violation of sharia law, including women driving, tight fitting clothes in public, bare ankles, eating during Ramadan or desecration of the holy book by your neighbors.
Press 7 if you need the locations of your nearest Jihad training/testing facilities, schedule your next jihad certification test session or check on your certification status.
Press 8 if you need advice on how to avoid Russian, French and other country's activities including bombs, leaflets and laser designators.
Press 9 if you are a useful idiot, US citizen, or other foreign national who wants to throw their life away on a war that will never be won and save us the trouble of killing you ourselves...
Press 0 to hear this list again in Arabic, Farsi or Russian.
Or stay on the line to be connected to your nearest CIA operative acting like an agent of Jihad. Please be prepared with your exact location, including latitude and longitude good to at least 4 decimal places, full name, photo and desired emergency contact for BDA assessment purposes.