TechnoLust's Journal: She's at it again...

My best friend's wife is a resturant manager. She had to work last night, so my best friend, my roommate, and I went out and ate and had some beers. We went back to the house and when she got off work, she came by. She told me that the psycho came in and was asking about me again! She said that my ex said she knew I was in the hospital.

How did she know that? The only thing I can figure out is she talked to our mutual friend. Nobody else I know likes her. Our mutual friend sent me an email inviting me to see her and her husband and their new house. I told her I had just got out of the hospital and I would try to get up there in a few weeks. I guess my ex could have asked her about me, but whatever.

I just think it's funny. For somebody who didn't seem to want me in her life, she sure does keep tabs on me. I told her in the letter I wrote she would regret it. A part of me says I should try to make amends and at least act civil to one another. But another part of me knows that as shallow and proud as she is, she'd never admit she was wrong, and she'd probably tell everyone I was trying to get back with her. Not that they would believe her, but still. What did I ever see in her?

Two words...

[Safety Cap]

Restraining Order

Re:Two words...

[John Harrison]

don't you mean 10 words?

This is Mrs. VR

[cyranoVR]

This woman has something seriously wrong with her. You need to protect yourself. In order to get a restraining order, you need to have a paper trail. Get written statements from people she has approached after your breakup and see if you can get a record of her visit to the police station.

Unfortunately, many women are crazy to some degree. I don't know why that is but suspect it's societal. Girls can get away with neurotic, manipulative behaviour because their parents and other authority figures tolerate it. Girls calling up crying because they can't figure something out is acceptable, guys doing the same is unacceptable.

In the future, listen to what any potential partner says about others before making any assumptions about her personality/character. People tend to assume others are like them. Hence immoral people assume others are also immoral and kind people put a positive spin on others. If your girlfriend was saying all kinds of negative stuff about her friends/exes to you, that should set off your warning bell. You should discreetly research her statements to see if she's overreacting or exaggerating.

In time, you too will develop a finely tuned sense of crazy radar and learn which women to rapidly backpedal from.

crazy radar

[TechnoLust]

I think that this is the most positive thing to come out of this whole thing. I have learned a lot from the whole experience. I added a new rule to my dating rules: Never date a girl that doesn't like her mother.
My ex always talked about how bad her mom was to her and how she wished her mom would leave her alone. I didn't want to think anything about it at the time, but now I'm thinking that should have been a warning sign.

Like I said, I have a lot of dirt on her and she knows it. Above anything else she has a strong sense of self-preservation. She knows if she makes an aggressive move I'll spill my guts. I've also told a select few people "just in case," and she knows this as well. Everything she's doing now is harmless, albeit a little creepy. Were it ever to come to the point where I felt I was in danger I would take the appropriate action, and I have kept a log of events pertaining to her, so if I ever need a paper trail, I have it.

Re:crazy radar

[MrsVR]

It's great that you've covered yourself legally. Very smart. However, having crazy radar is not as simple as unilaterally ruling out girls who don't like their mothers. It's not the same trigger with every person. In fact, it's the normal-seeming ones you really have to watch out for. The crazy radar is set off by inconsistencies between a girl's comments and what you independently find to be the case. It's often nothing more than a sense that this person is not being entirely straightforward or isn't wired quite right. People have to prove themselves to be honest and honorable, and they have to do it afresh in every relationship. It's when a woman indictes disquieting hints and also doesn't prove herself to you that you really have to watch out. I had a female coworker a few years ago who seemed wonderful at first glance (and second, third, fourth, and fifth). She was pretty, reliable, nice, well-educated and considerate. It was only after working with her for several months that I became aware of her true nature when she let her mask drop one evening. This was a woman who would do anything to advance herself. She proceeded to have an affair with our boss and garner an instant promotion. Meanwhile she was still dating her college sweetheart. That poor shlub never knew what was going with his girlfriend (and later fiancée). At a company party she sat between her lover and her boyfriend, and everybody there knew about it except her boyfriend. Their wedding is in six months and he's blissfully oblivious to what kind of person she it. Until she comes across a better thing and takes him for half his property in a divorce suit. It's not easy but you can avoid the nutjobs. Go for younger women, that's my advice. There's a wider pool of eligible, SANE women to choose from. By the time a woman hits about 25, if she's not already taken there's usually something wrong with her. A woman who's over 25 isn't interested in marriage, or is messed-up (thereby preventing her to have a serious, committed relationship), or has already been seriously involved and carries many scars and much emotional baggage from the destruction of said serious relationship. These are all bad things that are easily avoided by going for someone younger, like age 22. But that's just my impression from watching lots of people around me date.

girlfriends

[andr0meda]

well i feel your pain man

from my own experience, my gf left me for no apparent reason, other than "just not being in love anymmore." when we were together, she consumed me totally, and when it was over, i was kicked into the world rather hard again. everybody kept telling me it was for the best, that I had changed completely.. after a while I started to see that they were actually right. my gf wanted to stay friends with me for some reason, and I agreed to it. makes it kinda extra hard. sometimes i *know* I'm better off without her, but it's hard to convince you at times when you miss being with her.. she wants me to write, but she doens't write often herself.. it's like she expects me to want her, but she can choose to not want me. she's a bit of a nutcase, but luckily we live a rather long distance so I'm safely spared from all the crap she might put out.

women. when will I ever understand one completely..

Re:girlfriends

[TechnoLust]

Most of the girls I've dated I'm still friends with, or at least neutral to. There are only a few that I have completely cut off all communication with. The last one and one before that lives in FL now. Most of the others I'm civil to, and several I'm actually very close to still. I have an ex that lives about 45 minutes away that still comes to see me a couple times a month. She always wants a massage, but I am the king of the massage, so I don't blame her. ;-)

Re:girlfriends

[andr0meda]

excuse me, sir, there can be only one king of the massage! ;)

but I mean.. how does it work.. staying friends.. don't you somethimes regret that it's "over"? And when is something really over? It's hard to cope with things like that if you don't have a clear idea on your position, which is exactly what most girls I've met do.. they try to get control of your position once it's over. But I guess I should stop being so naive and accept that it's really over..

Re:girlfriends

[TechnoLust]

Well, with her it was mutual. We were friends, she was really hot, I was lonely one night so I called her and asked if she wanted to go out to dinner, half expecting her to say no. She apparently was lonely as well that night because she said yes. We started going out a lot and all that, but we both knew it was a little "off." When we started talking about future plans we realized how different we were and we just both kind of came to the conclusion that it wasn't meant to be. There were no hard feelings, and neither one of us really wants to get back together. (Ok, sometimes when I'm giving her a massage, I almost start to wish it wasn't over, but then I think of the things that made us decide to break up, and that goes away.)

For example something that really ticked me off about her was how she acted when we went shopping for clothes. Like I've said I've struggled with my weight all my life, and I know many other people do as well. I'm also very compassionate and empathic, and I try not to make people uncomfortable. We were at a store and she was shopping for clothes. Now, I don't really like to shop, but I'm a people-watcher. I like to watch people and try to build their life story in my mind. I was standing there with my girl (K) in the jeans, and this girl walks over to the next rack. This girl is pretty, and she's not fat, but she's not thin. Judging by her looks and actions, I would say she probably had just started college, and had gained the "freshman 15" lbs. She walked right over to a certain rack, started looking at some pants, held them up to her waist and then sadly put them back and moved to the larger size. She couldn't find the ones she liked in her size. Meanwhile K is at the rack with the size 0 and 1 pants. Now K is very thin and petite, but she has "some junk in the trunk." It's not like a ghetto booty or anything, it's a nice size, but she's so small it looks larger than it is. Anyway, she's complaining, very loudly, about how it sucks that she is a size zero, but they don't make pants that size that fit her butt well, so she has to buy size one pants. It kind of upset the other girl because she was at the size 6-8 rack.

The other thing that upset me is that she goes to a very large University, and she thinks that every other school in the world sucks, and her college is the only one that you can get a good education at. She used to put down my college because it was less than half the size of the one she went to. I went to the school I went to because it was right for me (and they gave me a full tuition scholarship) not because of the football team, which is what draws most of the students to her school.

So to answer your questions, yes, I sometimes regret that it's over, but that's easy to deal with by thinking of the things I didn't like about her. Our dating relationship is over, but our friendship is not. As for a clear idea on your position, that's the tough one. One thing to remember though, if you are unclear on your position, always assume the least intimate one. Most girls are teases. (I'll get flamed for that one, but it's true.) If they are having a low self esteem day, some of them will call you and try to make you want them back, just so they know they "still have it." The best thing to do in that case is play dumb, act like whatever they are doing to be alluring isn't working, see how far she'll go. After you've dated, it's a game sometimes. :-)