They sure as hell can't code OpenSSL extensions.

Oh that's just part of whatever the French call "la dolce vita."

Right, because no one goofed off at work before the internet came along.

This was the best troll, congrats!

Yes, pity the middle class, white, christian, male and his lack of opportunity in the USA.

Why is liking video games, specifically FPS and MMOs, a necessity to being a programmer?

Eat well. Exercise. Don't smoke or drink to excess. Get plenty of sleep. That's "western" medicine's mantra. And is pretty fucking holistic.
You can't cure an ear infection by wishing it away.

Until California repeals Proposition 13, the whole state will be a financial basket case.

How hard are you working to repeal Proposition 13?

Hahahahahaha! Good ol' typical goldbug bullshit.

These days on Reddit, it looks like 3 sentences is enough for people to self TL;DR.

So the market works! (sarcasm)

You'd be surprised. There's a LOT of bad security out there. Something this bad really takes the cake though.

Can I hire 5 with 5 years each? The math checks out, right?

Well, Scrapheap Challenge also stocked the junkyard with necessary bits for the theme. It's not like you'll find a working rocket engine in a car junkyard :)