So, I got a christmas card from my mom today. Inside was a 2 page letter that looks like it was sent out with all their cards. Below is a transcript of said letter, complete with all punctuation and grammar errors (with the names changed to protect the guilty). Some background:
ABM0RAZ.DAD is 5'8", 185 pounds and is the most stoic man I know. Nothing phases him. I've never seen him cry, show pain, raise his voice. I've barely seen him celebrate a Steeler touchdown. Also, he's 54, diabetic, and nearly legally blind.
ABM0RAZ.MOM is 5'9", 105 pounds and is the most emotional person I ever met. She freaks out about EVERYTHING. Finding a dollar in her pants on laundry day is a reason to call the local paper. She is 50, arthritic, and a heavy smoker.
Merry Christmas everyone. We wanted to drop you a little note to get everyone up to date with the ABM0RAZ.LASTNAME.
ABM0RAZ graduated this year with a degree in Industrial Engineering. ABM0RAZ.BROTHER got a promotion and moved to Kentucky. We are extremely proud of both of them.
Both kids moved this year, which starts my stories.
First ABM0RAZ. He has a theory that you don't need to wash dishes, you just buy more. When there are so many dirty dishes in your kitchen that you can't walk in, you move. That's where mom and dad come in. He doesn't move far, sometimes a block or so, sometimes just to another apartment in the same building. He also does not pack before moving day. Moving day involves filling milk crates with stuff and he and his dad hauling things down the road. In the meantime I wash dishes. The first time I washed them for about two hours, the last time it was about five. There is a dishwasher in his townhouse, so I don't think he will ever move again.
ABM0RAZ.BROTHER on the other hand moves far (Florida, Pittsburgh, Kentucky). He has everything packed and all of his furnature disassembled when we arrive. The problem with his moves is the distance he goes. As you probably know, I don't like to travel, and I especially do not like to drive. Well the theory was ABM0RAZ.BROTHER would drive his car, ABM0RAZ.DAD would drive the U-Haul and I would drive our car. Big mistake. Everything started out well, we got him picked up and we took off. ABM0RAZ.DAD was leading and I followed him. All went well until we got to Columbus and decided to stop for the night. We checked into the hotel and decided to get gas before we went to bed. The gas station was across the street, but you could not get there from where we were.
So ABM0RAZ.DAD leading in the truck makes a right turn on red, Before I could get through the light, it changed and a row of traffic got inbetween us. We had to go down the road, turn onto a side street and circle back onto the highway. Did not happen. After I lost ABM0RAZ.DAD, I tried to find the side road. What I thought was a turn into a shopping center turned out to be the entrance ramp onto I-70. I knew that if I got onto the highway I would never find my way back and I had no way to let ABMORAZ.DAD know where I was. So I decided to back off the highway (don't ever travel with me). Once I got to the end of the on-ramp, I had no way to get back onto the road without backing into the lane of oncoming traffic. So guess what I did? I finally connected with ABM0RAZ.DAD at the gas station and we made it back to the motel in one piece. The next morning when we were leaving we found out all we would have had to do was go straight through the light. The little side road would have taken us tight to the gas station, which, by the way, was in view the whole time.
At this point, any normal person would not have let me drive any further, but we are talking about us. THe trip took us through Cincinnati. Not only do I not like to drive, but city driving terrifies me. The highway took us through downtown Cinci. I was white knuckled and chewing my gum so hard that saliva was drooling down my face. WHen we got through the city and stopped, ABM0RAZ.DAD asked if I saw the stadiums. I said, "What stadiums?" He said they were on both sides of this huge bridge we went over. I hit him.
We got ABM0RAZ.BROTHER moved in without anymore problems and made it home. ABM0RAZ.DAD drove.
We remodled our bathroom this year. Of course I wanted a huge, cast-iron claw foot tub. It weighs 350 pounds. Now you all have seen my house, narrow stairway and a sharp U-turn at the top leading down a narrow rail-lined hallway to get to the bathroom. There is no way to describe, without actually showing a video what it was like to have four grown men, each over 220 pounds, and a 350 pound tub in a narrow stairway. The good news is that they got it in up and in while only knocking out one stair spindle, one small knick in the tub and one busted molding.
After all this, you would think we would be content to sit at home. Not us. We decided to go to Ocean City for a week. As we were carrying our luggage into the room, ABM0RAZ.DAD said, "Do you smell something burning?" I could let your imaginations run wild, but you would never come up with what really happened. ABM0RAZ.DAD set a case of beer on the stove. The previous tenants had left the burner on. Yes, the beer caught on fire.
OK, we came home, everything is peaceful. You think? I turned the water on to take a bath in my new tub. I could hear water running but nothing was coming out of the faucet. I ran downstairs, and lo and behold the office was filled with water. A pipe had broken. ABM0RAZ.DAD turned off the water and I had just started to clean up when he yelled, "LOOK OUT". The ceiling fell.
Life is never boring.
We do have good news, his dad turned 88 this year and mine celebrated his 86th birthday. Mom is doing well and we consider ourselves blessed to still be sharing our lives with them.
We would love to have you visit us, but we recommend you call first and check on the following things before you arrive.
- Has ABM0RAZ.DAD bought beer lately, and if so, is the house still standing?
- If you sit in the office, will you be hit by a waterfall?
And whatever you do, do not ask me for directions, you could end up in Alaska.
Happy Holidays, hope to see you all soon.