I've been running Firefox 2.0 beta 2 since its release (and beta 1 before that), and was just notified on my Apple PowerBook by Firefox's built-in Software Update facility that FireFox 2.0 RC 1 is now available for download. Huzzah!
One of the things I don't talk about here on
I try to look in on them from time to time (usually once every few months or so) to see what their status is. Two of my many inventions saw patent applications, and now it appears that, as of last April, the Canadian Intellectual Property Office (CIPO) declared one of them dead (Canadian Patent #2381605).
In my opinion, this patent really never should have been filed. At the time of invention it was novel, but it was hardly non-obvious. The invention? Outputting program trace data in a markup language. That's right -- writing program debug output as XHTML instead of plain text.
Now the utility of this invention should not be in dispute. Using HTML allowed us to have a nice standard document format which could take advantage of colour, indentation, and links (including links back to the source code where a trace line occurred, although AFAIK this was never implemented). The output could be massive, but it was easy to view, search, and determine where methods started and ended.
That's it. And it took some 40 pages of patent application to describe it (not written by me, fortunately).
On the bad side, for some places in life it would have been potentially beneficial to put a patent on my CV. Let's face it -- in some circles, this is a prestigious achievement. But this was a stupid patent in the first place, and thus on the plus side I can now use it in my own, post-IBM software development projects.
I admittedly don't completely understand how it works, but the invention also saw a patent application in the US (US Patent Application #20030196192). I can't seem to find the patents status on the USPTO website, so I don't know if because it's dead in it's home country that it is also automatically dead in the US, or whether it could still see the light of day south of the border.
I am very surprised at how long it has taken for the applications to be issued. This patent was filed three years ago (and invented well before that -- probably closer to 4 - 4.5 years ago now). Fortunately, one dumb software patent is now dead. I suggest everyone celebrate by using it in their own projects
Yaz.
Well, it has been two weeks since she left. We've been in touch via IM several times this week, which has been nice, but there are too many times when the Rose-shaped hole in my universe weighs heavy on my soul.
Dinner is one of those times. We had dinner together most nights, where we'd talk, and laugh, and enjoy what time we had. Sometimes we'd go out, and sometimes I'd cook. There were a lot of favorites that she had said we should do again before she had to leave, but which we just couldn't make the time for. Like home made pizza. Or my spinach ricotta tortellini in brown butter and pine nut sauce. Or California rolls (all made from scratch, BTW). We just ran out of time.
What I wouldn't do for more time. Nothing is quite as fun as it used to be. My flight back from Toronto was less because she wasn't coming back with me. To make things worse (in some ways) the seat next to me in the plane was empty, emphasizing that while we left Victoria together, I got to come back alone. I wrote her an e-mail while in flight to let her know how much I missed her, and that I love her.
Every time I had fun in the last 6 months, she was there. And now she's gone. I'm not quite sure how to move on either -- she could be back in Spring of 2007, or she could never come back. The uncertainty is brutal.
So for now I'm trying to bury myself in work and keep busy -- which isn't that hard, being a new term at the University. I'm taking a few tough courses, and am teaching one of the labs this term, and have had a paper abstract accepted for a conference coming up in 2007. I'm working on organizing this years Thanksgiving dinner for people far from home and family (remember, Canadian Thanksgiving is in October -- about 4 weeks away). I have a lot of personal paperwork to deal with, bill to be paid, and some OSS development work that needs to be done. I've been migrating a project from CVS to Subversion over on SourceForge. I've started playing my PS2 again (something I haven't done in ages). Anything to keep my mind off the loss of her presence.
The nights are the worst. She never stayed over -- we shared a certain amount of affection, but never crossed that line -- but the nights are still the hardest. It's when I'm most aware that I'm alone, and when I can't occupy myself with work, and get to feel all the emotion of missing her I deferred throughout the day. Fortunately, the early hours are also when she's getting up and online -- we've had a few 0100 - 0300 chats -- so while I sometimes dread the nights, I also really look forward to them. Unfortunately, her online availability has been unpredictable since she's been back. There have now been four specific times she asked me to be online to chat when she hasn't showed up. I knnow that she's been really busy -- she was away from home for 6 months, and everyone wants to hear her stories. And apparently my name has come up many, many times during these stories. Last time we chatted, she told me her stay was made fun because of me.
I feel that we belong together. If her world could sustain it, I'd rack up the debt and run out to Germany to be with her. But I fear I'd just get in the way (and would probably be a bit of a burden seeeing as how I don't speak any German). And I really have no idea what is going on with her and her old boyfriend -- other than the fact that he met her at the airport two weeks ago, she hasn't mentioned him at all.
I'm generally a person of action, so the inaction is killing me. I just can't do anything about the situation right now. And our future is so incredibly uncertain. I don't know if she'll ever come back, and I don't know if her side of our bond will stay strong. Will absence make the heart grow fonder? Or will absence make the heart wander?
My iPhoto calendars of our trip to Banff should be here on Tuesday. Sending that to her should make me feel a bit better -- at least it's doing something.
Sigh. Back to distracting myself from all this with TV and videogames. Maybe she'll be online tonight, and I can feel good for a while. Limbo is not a good place to live.
Yaz.
....if these journals are actually read by anyone.
I can't believe it has only been two days since she left. It's felt like a lifetime.
I did hear from her yesterday via a quick instant messaging session. As it turned out, after we said our final goodbyes, and after I watched and waved as an escalator on the other side of the security check took her out of my life (perhaps forever), her flight was delayed by four hours.
Four hours. The airlines robbed me of four hours. What I wouldn't give right now for those four hours. If I had known, we could have gone out somewhere, and shared a little more time together.
I think she was genuinely touched by my gift to her -- an 18K gold diamond-cut maple leaf charm on a chain. It's something she can wear around her neck, near to her heart, as a reminder of her connection to Canada, and her connection to me.
I thanked her for turning around and waving (four times), and she told me she was very sad. I was very sad as well. I still am.
We got to chat for barely 10 minutes -- Rose (nhrn*) was so tired she had to crash, although at the same time I got the distinct feeling she didn't want to go.
By now she should be at her parents home, which only has very poor dial-up access to the Internet. She didn't know when she would be able to get online next, and the difference in timezone makes it difficult to find each other online. I really want to e-mail her, but don't want to smother her. It doesn't help that she had left a boyfriend behind when she came to Canada (although they hadn't been dating for long). We have a strong connection together that is obvious to everyone around us.
Everything is just so raw right now. If she asked me to, and if we could be together, I'd drop everything right now and fly out to Germany to be with her. Everything between us always felt so natural and so right, and we made each other so very happy. And we're both sad about being apart right now.
We do still have some work to finish off together, and I promised her I'd send her a few things she couldn't pack. So I know (or, at least, I'm pretty sure) I'm going to hear from her again -- I just hope it turns out to be an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" situation, as opposed to an "absence makes her realize she only spent so much time with me because she didn't really know anybody else". Because I've had way too much of the latter in my life -- the women who spend their time with me because they're lonely and I'm kind and decent, but who don't actually care about me beyond my ability to give to them.
Rose really doesn't seem that type, and everyone who has met her has told me that. I hope they're right. But then again she was a young woman away from her home for only the second time, and this one being the longest she's been away from home and family. Maybe now that she's back in her own country, speaking her own language, with her old friends, old boyfriend, and family, she'll forget about me. I'm probably being stupid, but it's one of the things I fear the most (the other being never seeing her again).
Ah my Rose, you affected me so much. You walked into my life, and we found such a bond with each other. And now you're gone. I always knew you would eventually have to leave, but I got so used to having you around now that you're gone there is a huge gaping hole in my life where you used to be.
At least I can say I never took you for granted, and that I was able to give you one incredible final week in Canada. We toured Banff together, hiked up a mountain next to Lake Louise, flew to Toronto together (boy were you surprised!), had a brief tour of Toronto, my home city together, had a wonderful last meal downtown together, drove that last trip to the airport together, and you donned my necklace and embraced me before we parted ways, perhaps forever.
Please come back, Rose. When you donned my necklace, you said you were only borrowing it, and that you'd bring it back. I don't want it back. I want you back, and will be counting the days until you return.
Yaz.
*(Not Her Real Name)
For those who know me personally (i.e.: in meat space), they know I'm a pretty open and honest person. Online, however, I tend to be much more private, and don't talk about my personal life a whole lot. My badly neglected blog is primarily technical in nature. At times I wish I could be a bit more like nizo or tuxette and could post more personal journal entries on a regular basis.
Anyhow, this is one of those more personal entries. If you were hoping for something technical, well, this entry isn't for you.
Six months ago, a woman walked into my lab space, and into my life. She flew in from Germany to work on an internship for six months, and came to Canada not knowing a single soul. For reasons that are probably only apparent to me, I'll call her "Rose" (which is, of course, not her real name).
In the months since, Rose and I have become constant companions. We work together. We play together. I pick her up at her place in the morning, and drop her off int he evening. We have lunch together. We have dinner together. We went on vacation together. And along the way, I fell in love with her.
Tomorrow, however, her six months are finished and she leaves for Germany. I have no idea if I'm ever going to see her again, and my heart is breaking at the thought. Tomorrow I'll drive her to the airport, and get to watch as a metal cylinder with wings speeds her out of my life.
She may be back in six months -- but then again, she may not. We'll be able to keep in touch online -- I just helped her buy a new MacBook, so we'll be able to have audio and video conferences. But I also know her life is going to change quite a bit when she gets back to Germany -- she has a new nephew who was born three weeks ago, she has her family, and lots of friends who are looking forward to seeing her. And I know from experience that as people get back into an old routine, it's easy to not be able to find the time for those people you've left behind on the other side of the world.
I have a few surprises left up my sleeve for my dear and lovely Rose. I've bought a ticket for the same plane she's taking on the first leg of her trip (as she has a 6 hour layover in Toronto, which is my home town and where all my family lives). I've made reservations for the restaurant in the main pod of the CN Tower. And I've bought her a present made of gold that she can wear for all time to remember her stay in Canada. But after that, she takes a second plane trip, out of my life, perhaps for good.
And that has me rather down at the moment.
Anyhow, it's time for me to put a big smile on my face and pick her up for her surprise going away party today. I have only about 22 hours left to show her how much I love her, and I plan to make the most of what little time we have left.
Yaz.
I decided to check my departmental mail today. This may not sound particularly exciting, but I virtually never have anything waiting for me. When I started my grad work at the University last fall, in the beginning I checked it fairly regularly. However, finding there was never anything for me, I stopped checking it on a regular basis.
Anyhow, today I had several pieces of mail waiting for me, one of which is an "Employment Equity Survey". Now, for the record, I completely agree with the goals of Employment Equity, and I have no problems with the specific policies in use to achieve these goals. Still, I had to laugh at this survey.
The questions are (vaguely -- I'm leaving out the subquestions and am simplifing the question text -- I don't know how confidential the survey text is, and don't feel the need to retype it all here) as follows:
So, why is this funny (and not only funny, but a bit paradoxical)? Well, my answers for all the questions would be NO. However, if we look at the numbers over the entire population of Canada, the number of people who would be able to answer "no" to all 6 question areas would be -- did you guess? -- a minority.
So maybe my answer to 6 should be yes (which is where the paradox comes in). I feel left out in this survey -- there isn't one question I can identify with at all. I'm in the "all-No minority".
(And before anyone drops by to rant about how Employment Equity is hurting the healthy, perfectly-abled, straight white man, please note that this is a post-employment survey. Nobody has ever decided not to hire me because of my skin colour, gender, sexual identity, or the fact that I have no disabilities, so get over yourselves).
I am tempted to get the last published Canadian census results and run through the numbers to try to determine exactly what percentage of Canadians could be expected to answer no to all six questions. Even as a minority, it is probably still a fairly large minority. Or perhaps I can get the aggregate results of the surey once it has been completed to see what percentage of people are able to answer no to everything (which I suspect will be higher than the overall population numbers, which is one of the reasons why employment equity is needed in the first place). I may be in my own special "all-No minority", but I suspect we are a large and powerful minority overall.
Yaz.
Just in case anyone is interested, I've applied to the Google Summer of Code. Here is my first (and thus far only) proposal, submitted to the Mozilla Foundation:
My idea is to create a framework and the necessary code to synchronize Thunderbird e-mail and contacts with PalmOS-based devices in a cross-platform manner, such that Thunderbird users on any platform can synchronize their data with their Palm-based handheld device, using the jSyncManager (http://www.jsyncmanager.org).
I wrote the jSyncManager as part of my undergraduate thesis, and continue to maintain it as a GPL/LGPL based project on SourceForge.net. The jSyncManager is a pure-Java data synchronization toolkit for PalmOS based devices, providing all of the protocol stacks, data abstraction objects, conduit development APIs, and applications to synchronize Palm-based devices using their native HotSync utility, with potentially any host-side application.
My proposal encompasses the following code elements:
- Introduce the necessary native APIs to Thunderbird to ensure that the data and meta-data required by data synchronization is available. Also introduce (where necessary) database primitives to easily determine and detect which items wihtin Thunderbird require synchronization (ie: things such as recording which records have been deleted since the last synchronization so they may be removed from the handheld, which records have been modified since the last synchronization, etc.). Note that this support would be general, and these APIs would be reusable to permit synchronization with Thunderbird data and other synchronization environments (such as other handheld devices, or applications like Apple's iSync),
- Introduce a JNI-based API for accessing the above mentioned native APIs from Java,
- Write a plug-in for the jSyncManager to permit synchronization with Thunderbird using the new synchronization APIs mentioned above.
Why should I be selected for the Summer of Code? I'm an expert on PalmOS data synchronization, and have spoken about it at several conferences and user group meetings. I'm very self-directed, and have a long history of participation in Open Source Software projects, both as a developer and as an administrator (and often both; for example the jSyncManager (http://www.jsyncmanager.org), Simple Java Server (http://sjs.sf.net), Latrunculi for Mac OS X (http://mactrunculi.sf.net), and OpenTAPAS (http://www.opentapas.org)), and have a lot of experience with common OSS tools and methodologies. Developers tend to like the APIs I design and code, and my code is typically very well documented for use by other developers.
In short, I want to do this, and I want you to want me to add this support for the benefit of all Thunderbird users. Thank-you for your consideration.
I have no idea what my chances are, however this feature has often been requested of the jSyncManager Project, and I've always wanted to do it, and to be honest I could use the money to help pay off some of the debt I incurred moving to Victoria to start my M.Sc. in Computer Science last fall.
I'll keep everyone apprised as to what happens. One of the potential negatives to my application is that the jSyncManager is Java-based, and let's face it: there are a lot of people in the OSS community who don't like Java or Java applications. Linux distros don't generally have (official) Java support built-in, Windows doesn't come with modern Java support, and with the exception of Mac OS X, Java applications can be hard to run for average users (based on the support requests I get -- even a simple runnable JAR seems to be easy to screw up for some people). It also doesn't help that the jSyncManager and Palm's HotSync Manager can't run at the same time (at least not listening to the same device port, but that's a hardware limitation -- you can't have two applications accessing a serial port or a single USB endpoint at the same time).
Still, I'm hopeful. The first bit would absolutely be useful, and would permit easy development of other synchronization solutions in the future (like perhaps a HotSync conduit, or an Apple iSync plug-in). The second bit simply extends access to the first bit to Java code, and that last section would be a sort of "proof of concept" test platform to verify and demonstrate the functionality of the first two parts.
I'll post more on this when I get some feedback.
Yaz.
The rumour sites have been rife with reports about the upcoming Intel-based replacements for Apple's iBook series laptops, including reports that it will have a 13.3" widescreen display.
In particular, ThinkSecret is reporting that the new "MacBook" will have a 13.3" display that runs at a maximum resolution of 1280 x 720. Now assuming square pixels, that would indeed make it a 16 x 9 display.
However, while many people gush over these numbers, no site breaks them down to something actually meaningful -- the actual display dimensions this would entail. So I decided to do the calculations myself. Thanks to Pythagoras and his theorem, we get:
So, if the rumour sites are correct, the new displays will be 11.6 inches wide, but only 6.5 inches tall! (or, for those of us in metric countries, 29.5cm x 16.5cm).
The result would be a laptop that would be quite long and thin (unless the top and bottom have significantly thicker bevels than the current ~0.5" bevels Apple favours) -- it would measure something like 12.5" by 7.5". Quite an odd shape and size for a laptop. I suppose I could see myself using a laptop with a display only 6.5" tall if the system was tiny, but being oughly an inch shorter than my current 12" PowerBook AND about two inches wider? I'm used to working on a 16 x 9 display (a 23" Apple Pro Cinema display), but that just seems weird on a laptop at such a small scale. Personally, I'd rather have a 4 x 3 display, and simply have black bars for those times when I'm playing digital video (with a high enough resolution to permit 720p playback without the need for scaling). I suppose we'll just have to see if what Apple finally announces matches up with what the rumour sites are feeding us (it wouldn't be the first time they've been wrong...).
Yaz.
April Fools Day here on
Is
I wouldn't advocate a software change to prevent this sort of thing (unless it becomes so abused that it would threaten the entire tagging systems utility in the first place I suppose), but would like to try to appeal to some people sense of maturity. Calling everything under the sun that you think is dumb "gay" is something you should have grown out of at 12 years old. I don't want to believe that there is someone (or multiple people) out there today who are sitting around on a Saturday just to tag every
I've noticed that every such story is also being tagged as being "straight". "Gay" and "straight" are not matter and anti-matter, and shouldn't be used to cancel each other out. Again, it just makes the tagging system less useful overall, and shows a decided lack of maturity on the part of those who keep this up.
Yaz.
Just thought I'd post a bit of a networking oddity I finally solved today.
I run my own DNS server for my home network. Originally it ran on RedHat 8.0, but this weekend I upgraded it to Debian 3.1 and Bind9. Not that the existing DNS installation wasn't doing its job, but because the OS was not longer easy to update (and was seriously out-of-date). I was somewhat concerned for its security, even though it's behind a firewall. I started running the DNS so that I didn't have to update a half dozen HOSTS files every time I made a change to my network. So it was set-up to provide internal DNS addressed, but proxy with my ISP's DNS for anything external (and cache the results).
Anyhow, for the last few months I've been having an odd DNS issue. While it resolved addresses correctly 99% of the time, 1% of the time it would claim upon the first attempt to resolve an address that the server could not be found.
And in 100% of those edge cases, it was always when trying to resolve en.wikipedia.org. I would have to hit reload in FireFox at which point it would work (at least until the next time I hit some Wikipedia link).
As it turns out, this all started when I signed up for Vonage and got my new LinkSys RTP300 VoIP router. In order to take advantage of it's QoS capabilities, I replaced my old LinkSys BEFSR41 router with it (and moved the BEFSR41 to elsewhere on the network). The RTP300 has a built-in DNS Proxy which apparantly is quite problematic. As it turns out, disabling its DNS Proxy solved the problem completely (in my case, having it on doesn't make a lot of sense -- any DHCP-enabled system were asking the router to resolve the address, and the router then requested resolution against my Debian server, less than 4 meters away, and on the same network. What a waste.
This doesn't explain why it only ever failed when trying to resolve against Wikipedia.org hosts. But at least the problem is solved.
As an interesting aside, my need for my own DNS is starting to diminish. First off, I have had some consolidation of computers, and don't run as many (however, I actually run more IP-based devices than I used to, due to the extra routers, wireless access points, WiFi-enabled devices, and an Airport Express in client mode for digital music streaming to my home theatre system). But more importantly, I'm running more and more systems with Bonjour/Rendevous/ZeroConf/mDNSResponder, which provides a more dynamic service detection than DNS can provide. There is still some use for DNS on my network (for example, to resolve the routers by name instead of address, and to service devices which don't support Bonjour/ZeroConf/etc.), but it is diminishing. I have Netatalk running on the new Debian installation, along with a bunch of other services, and got mDNSResponder installed and running on it, so these systems can now easily find each other (along with my PowerBook, Airport Express, and AirPort Extreme). It's a cool technology -- I'll have to find out if it has been compiled for PlayStation 2 Linux, and if not, may do it myself just to get it running on all of my machines.
Anyhow, long story short: the DNS Proxy on the LinkSys RTP300 sucks. If you run into problems with it, be sure to turn it off.
Yaz.
The dinner party is over, and I was so busy in the kitchen between courses that I forgot to take photos. Oh well
The dinner was a resounding success. The only flaw in the meal was the sorbet -- it didn't freeze terribly well, even though I had the freezer cranked up to its maximum. When it first came out it was slushy, but as I was scooping it out the serve the guests, the heat in the kitchen caused it to melt. The first few guests got a mushy slush, but by the end it was just a plate of liquid (even though it was served on a small round block of ice). Sigh. The liquid tasted good at least, but it would have been much better frozen solid. As it turned out, one of my guests has access to liquid nitrogen -- we agreed that if I try this recipe again, I'm to get some from her to ensure it is well frozen.
Oh, the vegetarian entree was spinach and ricotta tortelini in a brown butter and pine nut sauce. And yes, I made it from scratch, pasta dough and all. It was a special entree for a very special person, whom I love and care about deeply.
Other than the liquid sorbet, however, everything was perfect, and a very good time was had by all. So now I sleep, to be up early in the morning to catch the ferry to the mainland.
Yaz.
Well, tomorrow (which starts in about 10 minutes as I write this) I'm yet another year older. SO I've decided to have several friends over for a good dinner, which I am preparing.
I've been preparing a six course meal for the last four days now, and let me tell you -- it has been a lot of work! I've never made a meal quite this big. Here is what is on the menu:
(One attendee is a vegetarian, and is getting replacements for the Amuse Bouche and Entree. But I told her it's a secret, and while I doubt she reads
I found many of the recipes here. I've had to make a few modifications here and there, and the dessert is one of my Grandmothers recipes she taught me years ago.
I've had problems sourcing a few of the ingredients here in Victoria. If I had planned this significantly in advance I suppose I could have put in orders online, especially for the lobster base and the white truffle oil. I was completely unable to find lobster base anywhere, so I wound up buying a live lobster and using this recipe to make my own. While I did get to eat the meat of the lobster (lobster base uses the shell, although I included the tiny legs and what meat is in them for added flavour), the rest of it was boiled down to about two tablespoons worth of liquid. This is by far the most expensive single component of the meal -- that two tablespoons of liquid cost me at least $30. I still haven't found white truffle oil, but I have one more place to check tomorrow.
I'm beat. I've been working on this for the last four days now. I hope I can get the timing for everything right tomorrow night. To top things off, I also baked a cake to take into the lab tomorrow.
I think after tomorrow night, I'm going to eat out for the rest of the week
Yaz.
About a week ago I installed Google Safe Browsing for Firefox, which is supposed to warn you of phishing attempts, and when you're visiting a phishing site with a little warning indicator in the Firefox address bar.
Unfortunately, other than the Google test page, I can't say that I've ever been able to get it to recognise a phishing site. Now I'm not a particularly good target for phishers: I know my bank would never contact me via e-mail, I don't have PayPal or eBay accounts, I don't click on URLs in e-mail messages, and I check the URLs of even places I regularly go to to ensure they match my expectations (I'm still a bit old-school: I'm not one of those people who makes heavy use of bookmarks for the places I go to every day. I still have a tendancy to memorize and type in URLs each time I want to go somewhere). Besides which, most phishers aren't targeting Canadian institutions -- and it's very rare that a phishing attempt doesn't get captured by Mail.app's fine spam filtering subsystem.
I am, however, quite interested in research int his area, which is why I installed Google Safe Browsing in the first place. I'm not concerned about phishing attempts -- I'm interested in how Google is going about trying to detect them. So for the past week, I've been clicking on virtually every phishing scam that has been collecting in my spam box (which admittedly haven't been too many -- perhaps 5 in the past week, and I only click on them _after_ I verify that the URLs don't contain some form of identifying information: http://somedomain.someothersomain.ext/somedir/ is okay, but if it contains something akin to "...&id=xxxxxxx", I either won't touch it, or will change the identifying information), just to see if Google Safe Browsing will pick it up.
So far, Google is 0 for 5, so I'm rather disappointed. I have reported every such site to Google, so hopefully they'll be able to continue to improve the system.
I'm going to continue my experiment -- detecting phishing is a hard problem, and the phishers will have no compunction against trying to find ways around such detection, so I realize that Google has a tough time ahead of them in this regard. Hopefully by submitting sites for their blacklist the situation will only improve, for while I'm an extremely poor target for phishers, I do have a mother who likes to use the Internet, and I know that she wouldn't necessarily be so savvy.
Yaz.
Some people like to blog about their personal lives and internal feelings. Personally, that has never really been for me -- I can't believe that the Internet public cares much about my personal life a whole lot, and besides which, I'm a private person. I'd rather write about technology and ideas.
Today however is Valentines Day, and so I'm making an exception, as perhaps somebody out there can draw some inspiration or insight from it.
Just over 15 years ago, I met the woman of my dreams. We had two and a half amazing years together. I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. She later suddenly changed her mind, and a short time later she was gone. I was left with a big, gaping hole in my heart for a very long time (one which, I might add, has never really healed, even though I've never seen her since).
Ancient history, except that I've spent every Valentines Day since alone. I date here and there, but haven't formed a long term relationship since. And it hasn't been because I don't want to, or because I'm holding on to something long in the past. Women who know me tell me I'm sweet, kind, gentle, and fun to be with, and that I diserve an amazing love of my own. I have had a few female friends over the years who have tried to help me out in my dating life, but they wind up as puzzled as I am.
I thought that this year was going to be different. I had a coffee date last Wednesday with a very nice woman. We shared a lot of good conversation and a few laughs, and agreed to see each other again. She said she had a lot of fun, and wanted to go out for dinner with me. I called her the next day to let her know that I had a good time, and wanted to know if she was free Friday night. It turned out she wasn't -- but the next day she called and asked me out for Sunday. I happily agreed. For not the first time in the past 12+ years, I thought perhaps my curse was at an end. We seemed to have some chemistry, we had some fun, and she wanted to go out with me enough that she asked me for a date. What could go wrong?
Well, apparantly this, which I got in my e-mail early Sunday morning:
I need to let you know that I won't be able to hang out with you tomorrow. I'm having a lot of difficult stuff going on in my life right now and am just not ready or able to date anyone. I'm sorry about that, please don't take it personally. Well... I'm not sure what else to write here, so I guess I'll sign off. Keep well and take care.
This is, unfortunately, a pattern in my dating life, and it's left me feeling hurt and confused. A few weeks ago I woman I had just then started seeing socially told me I had renewed her faith that good and decent men are out there, but that she had decided she didn't want to get into a relationship at this point in her life. These are just two recent examples of my entire dating life of the last 13 years.
And to be honest? It hurts. I have more than a decades worth of scars piled upon my heart. I deal with it by buring myself in my work on the bad days, and sucking it up and keeping my chin up on the sunny days.
I'm giving up for this year. I had promised myself that this would be the year I had a date for Valentines Day, but it looks like once again I'll be cooking for one.
This is my wish -- and my Valentines gift -- for those of you who have someone you love, and who loves you back in your life. Embrace that person today. Tell them how you love them more than everything else, how you rely on them and need them every day. Tell them how they enrich your life. Look into their eyes and let them know how special they make you feel. And remember that without your significant other, you could be me.
I'm not looking for pity -- pity is too close to contempt. I've never been one to give up on the things I want in life, and other than the lonliness I'm happy with who I am. But perhaps my tale might help someone out there who has recently taken their loved one for granted realize what a precious and special gift they have. Sure loving relationships require work and gentle nurturing -- but in the end it's worth it to be able to love, and to be loved.
And that, my friends, is my Valentines gift to you.
The moon is made of green cheese. -- John Heywood
