Yaztromo's Journal: It's been two weeks. Sigh.

Well, it has been two weeks since she left. We've been in touch via IM several times this week, which has been nice, but there are too many times when the Rose-shaped hole in my universe weighs heavy on my soul.

Dinner is one of those times. We had dinner together most nights, where we'd talk, and laugh, and enjoy what time we had. Sometimes we'd go out, and sometimes I'd cook. There were a lot of favorites that she had said we should do again before she had to leave, but which we just couldn't make the time for. Like home made pizza. Or my spinach ricotta tortellini in brown butter and pine nut sauce. Or California rolls (all made from scratch, BTW). We just ran out of time.

What I wouldn't do for more time. Nothing is quite as fun as it used to be. My flight back from Toronto was less because she wasn't coming back with me. To make things worse (in some ways) the seat next to me in the plane was empty, emphasizing that while we left Victoria together, I got to come back alone. I wrote her an e-mail while in flight to let her know how much I missed her, and that I love her.

Every time I had fun in the last 6 months, she was there. And now she's gone. I'm not quite sure how to move on either -- she could be back in Spring of 2007, or she could never come back. The uncertainty is brutal.

So for now I'm trying to bury myself in work and keep busy -- which isn't that hard, being a new term at the University. I'm taking a few tough courses, and am teaching one of the labs this term, and have had a paper abstract accepted for a conference coming up in 2007. I'm working on organizing this years Thanksgiving dinner for people far from home and family (remember, Canadian Thanksgiving is in October -- about 4 weeks away). I have a lot of personal paperwork to deal with, bill to be paid, and some OSS development work that needs to be done. I've been migrating a project from CVS to Subversion over on SourceForge. I've started playing my PS2 again (something I haven't done in ages). Anything to keep my mind off the loss of her presence.

The nights are the worst. She never stayed over -- we shared a certain amount of affection, but never crossed that line -- but the nights are still the hardest. It's when I'm most aware that I'm alone, and when I can't occupy myself with work, and get to feel all the emotion of missing her I deferred throughout the day. Fortunately, the early hours are also when she's getting up and online -- we've had a few 0100 - 0300 chats -- so while I sometimes dread the nights, I also really look forward to them. Unfortunately, her online availability has been unpredictable since she's been back. There have now been four specific times she asked me to be online to chat when she hasn't showed up. I knnow that she's been really busy -- she was away from home for 6 months, and everyone wants to hear her stories. And apparently my name has come up many, many times during these stories. Last time we chatted, she told me her stay was made fun because of me.

I feel that we belong together. If her world could sustain it, I'd rack up the debt and run out to Germany to be with her. But I fear I'd just get in the way (and would probably be a bit of a burden seeeing as how I don't speak any German). And I really have no idea what is going on with her and her old boyfriend -- other than the fact that he met her at the airport two weeks ago, she hasn't mentioned him at all.

I'm generally a person of action, so the inaction is killing me. I just can't do anything about the situation right now. And our future is so incredibly uncertain. I don't know if she'll ever come back, and I don't know if her side of our bond will stay strong. Will absence make the heart grow fonder? Or will absence make the heart wander?

My iPhoto calendars of our trip to Banff should be here on Tuesday. Sending that to her should make me feel a bit better -- at least it's doing something.

Sigh. Back to distracting myself from all this with TV and videogames. Maybe she'll be online tonight, and I can feel good for a while. Limbo is not a good place to live.

Yaz.