Yaztromo's Journal: Valentines Day Rant and Wish.

Some people like to blog about their personal lives and internal feelings. Personally, that has never really been for me -- I can't believe that the Internet public cares much about my personal life a whole lot, and besides which, I'm a private person. I'd rather write about technology and ideas.

Today however is Valentines Day, and so I'm making an exception, as perhaps somebody out there can draw some inspiration or insight from it.

Just over 15 years ago, I met the woman of my dreams. We had two and a half amazing years together. I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. She later suddenly changed her mind, and a short time later she was gone. I was left with a big, gaping hole in my heart for a very long time (one which, I might add, has never really healed, even though I've never seen her since).

Ancient history, except that I've spent every Valentines Day since alone. I date here and there, but haven't formed a long term relationship since. And it hasn't been because I don't want to, or because I'm holding on to something long in the past. Women who know me tell me I'm sweet, kind, gentle, and fun to be with, and that I diserve an amazing love of my own. I have had a few female friends over the years who have tried to help me out in my dating life, but they wind up as puzzled as I am.

I thought that this year was going to be different. I had a coffee date last Wednesday with a very nice woman. We shared a lot of good conversation and a few laughs, and agreed to see each other again. She said she had a lot of fun, and wanted to go out for dinner with me. I called her the next day to let her know that I had a good time, and wanted to know if she was free Friday night. It turned out she wasn't -- but the next day she called and asked me out for Sunday. I happily agreed. For not the first time in the past 12+ years, I thought perhaps my curse was at an end. We seemed to have some chemistry, we had some fun, and she wanted to go out with me enough that she asked me for a date. What could go wrong?

Well, apparantly this, which I got in my e-mail early Sunday morning:

I need to let you know that I won't be able to hang out with you tomorrow. I'm having a lot of difficult stuff going on in my life right now and am just not ready or able to date anyone. I'm sorry about that, please don't take it personally. Well... I'm not sure what else to write here, so I guess I'll sign off. Keep well and take care.

This is, unfortunately, a pattern in my dating life, and it's left me feeling hurt and confused. A few weeks ago I woman I had just then started seeing socially told me I had renewed her faith that good and decent men are out there, but that she had decided she didn't want to get into a relationship at this point in her life. These are just two recent examples of my entire dating life of the last 13 years.

And to be honest? It hurts. I have more than a decades worth of scars piled upon my heart. I deal with it by buring myself in my work on the bad days, and sucking it up and keeping my chin up on the sunny days.

I'm giving up for this year. I had promised myself that this would be the year I had a date for Valentines Day, but it looks like once again I'll be cooking for one.

This is my wish -- and my Valentines gift -- for those of you who have someone you love, and who loves you back in your life. Embrace that person today. Tell them how you love them more than everything else, how you rely on them and need them every day. Tell them how they enrich your life. Look into their eyes and let them know how special they make you feel. And remember that without your significant other, you could be me.

I'm not looking for pity -- pity is too close to contempt. I've never been one to give up on the things I want in life, and other than the lonliness I'm happy with who I am. But perhaps my tale might help someone out there who has recently taken their loved one for granted realize what a precious and special gift they have. Sure loving relationships require work and gentle nurturing -- but in the end it's worth it to be able to love, and to be loved.

And that, my friends, is my Valentines gift to you.

Valentines Day

[nortcele]

Feel for you man. All I can say is don't give up. You'd be more miserable in a relationship that was not supposed to be than you are waiting for the one that is meant to be. The very year that I just gave up and resigned to being single, things happened. I claim it was Divine intervention. Others might say that I changed and stopped trying so hard. It is true that my focus did change. Who knows. But my wife was worth the wait.

I have no clue why I stumbled onto your journal. I went to go see if As