Today I am going to get a hair cut. I have always had long hair. Really, never had my hair short. Well, it's falling out a little at a time, and not growing back, and it's brittle, and not fun. So in the interest of a graceful transition, I'm gonna go see a hairdresser, and get it cut. I don't know how short it will be, I'm gonna trust him to help me work that out. I've known him for years, though he's never touched my hair before. Bought a car from him, years ago, and see him from time to time. He sends me a Christmas present every year. A Sweet Gay Hairdresser with taste and class. He'll do fine for me.
A new adventure!

So, it's the next day again. For me, it's interferon day, not just the day after Christmas. So I feel crummy again, and I have that old familiar bad taste that interferon and Riboviron give me. And this is week eleven. The weeks fly by at a crawl. It was a lovely day. I didn't tell the Dragon that I was learning to carve small things because I wanted to suprise her. I picked spoons for the spoon idea and because although they are simple, they are also composed of lots of complex curves and insides and outsides. Good to learn on. I like to work with cherry - it is easy to work, and beautiful. So I carved her a spoon so she could have another spoon. She liked it. I like that.
She knits well, though she is more critical of her own work than I think she needs to be. It's good! I fear I taught her that - it's what I do to myself (though less now than when she was an impressionable child)It is useful to see, though it is not one of the best things I could have taught her. Interesting how our chidren can teach us so much.
And so it is the next day. Everyday is the next day, in a grand procession of them. Today, and today and today. Really that is what we've got. Just today. This is when everything happens. Yesterday already was. Can't change that. Tomorrow isn't yet. Might never be. Who knows? Sure can't do anything on it yet. So how is your today? Are you being who you need to be today? Are you doing what you need to do, learning what you need to learn? Are you fulfilled? If you aren't, why not? What do you need to change to be/do that? We stand at the knife edge of creation, in this moment, the only moment that is. This is the moment when change and tranformation is possible. The only moment when it is possible. Use it well. It won't be back. And it is a precious gift to have. It's the next day. I hope it's a great one!

It will not be a white Christmas here. It's fifty degrees and raining. That's ok with me.I think snow is over rated when it's in my driveway anyway.
Songs of the season. We like to sing at my house, but when you've sung the same thing twelve times, it's time for a change, so here's one we made up while the Dragon was a child:

The first thing of Christmas that really bothers me
Is cats running up and down the tree

The second thing of Christmas that really bothers me
All these blessed lights
and cats running up and down the tree
The third thing of Christmas that really bothers me
three AM wake ups
all these blessed lights
and cats running up and down the tree

the fourth thing of Christmas that really bothers me
Something's in my stocking!
Three AM wakeups
All these blessed lights
and cats running up and down the tree
The fifth thing of Christmas that really bothers me
Five inches of snow
Somethings in my stocking
Three AM wakeups
Now the lights are blinking!
and cats running up and down the tree

The sixth thing of Christmas that really bothers me
Six solid fruit cakes
Five inches of snow
Quick, someone kill it!
All these blessed lights
and cats running up and down the tree

The seventh thing at Christmas that really bothers me
Seven secret santas
See, it is the same one, I carved my initials in the bottom last year,
Five inches of snow,
Something's in my stocking
Three Am wake ups
Half the string won't light!
and cats running up and down the tree.

The eighth thing at Christmas that really bothers me
Eight Christmas Specials
Seven Secret Santas
Six solid fruit cakes
Five inches of snow
Let the cats get at it!
Three AM wake ups
Don't put the lights there!
And cats running up and down the tree.

The nineth thing at Christmas that really bothers me is
Nine nasty neighbors
Eight Christmas grumble grumble grumble
Seven Secret Whats?
I could drive nails with it
Five inches of snow
I'm not touching it!
Three AM wakeups
Just put 'em on the tree!
And cats running up and down the tree

The tenth thing at Christmas that really bothers me
Ten thrilling touch downs
Nine nasty neighbors
Seven Secret Santas
Lets throw it off the roof!
I'm not gonna shovel!
It's still in there
Don't even think it!
All these blessed lights
And cats running up and down the tree

The eleventh thing at Christmas that really bothers me
Eleven extra innings
You know I don't like football
We could just get even
Just turn the TV off
We can send it to Aunt Betty
I'm not gonna shovel
But that was my stocking!
Three in the morning!
Can the star go on the top?
And cats running up and down the tree

The twelveth thing at Christmas that really bothers me
Twelve covered dishes
Eleven extra innings
Ten thrilling touch downs
I guess we could invite them
We could make 'em watch the specials!
Let's get the Santas in one place
Make em eat the fruit cake!
Still not gonna shovel
I think it ate my candy
Three Am wakeups
All these blessed lights
Quick catch it the tree is falling down!
Or, on a more pleasant note a different set of words:
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

A Parsnip in a Pear tree

On the second day of Christmas my truelove gave to me
Two Turtle soups
and a parsnip in a pear tree
On the third day:
Three French Toasts
Four Curried Birds
Five Pineapple Rings
Six Goose egg omelettes
Seven Swans in Gravy
Eight Ice Creams melting
Nine Sauces Steaming
Ten tiny truffles
Eleven Pies a piping
Twelve dozen Danish

And one developed by the Dragon's brother, if memory serves me right. To the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen:

The restroom door said 'gentlemen' and so I walked inside
I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride
I turned around to find out that the place was occupied
By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse
What could be worse
then two nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse?

The restroom door said 'gentlemen'; it must have been a joke
the room was lined with mirrors and the perfume made me choke
a lady smacked me with her bag and gave my ribs a poke
and the nuns were creeping up on either side
Oh how I cried
And the nuns were creeping up on either side.

The restroom door said 'gentlemen' it must have been a gag
she sprayed me with her can of mace and hit me with her bag
So who would give a license for a gun to this old hag
It wasn't turning out to be my day
what can I say?
It just wasn't turning out to be my day!

The restroom door said 'gentlemen' and I'd sure like to find
the crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign
'cause I've got two black eyes and I've been kicked in my behind
And I can't sit in comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
No I just can't sit in comfort and joy.

Merry Christmas everybody

This is the shortest day and the longest night of the year. But this year there is no ritual at my house to celebrate this turning of the wheel - I don't have the energy to get one together, to bring all the disparite members of my household together and make all that happen for us all. It is the first time in a long time there has been no ritual for this, and that is a sad thing for me. Ritual marks for us where and when we are in time and space, and brings us together to mark our unity in those moments. I guess that this time I mark a new coming of the light from a different place and I don't really know where that place is yet. I think that this heralds a new kind of strength and rebirth, but I haven't quit got there yet. This is ten weeks of Chemo and I'm sick and tired and having a bad day. I know the sun will return, I know that the Goddess watches over me, but right now, I wish for comfort and joy. I'm tired of the darkness.
This is the long night. The sun returns and the days grow longer. Joy is afoot in the world, and all we have to do is be open to it. I think I'll go light a candle. Blessed Yule everybody. Light a candle with me, and across the world watch the sun rise, and the joy of life fill your spirit.

It's here again. I celebrate the Yule, and with it I honor the birth of the Christ child, wondering, as I do every year, that a pagan sees the birth of the Christ as a special event, and so few of the Christians I know even remember that This Event is the one they are suposed to be honoring. This is not suposed to be a consumer marathon! This is the birth of the Messiah, who brought into the world the very special thing known as Grace! So how is it that we have been swallowed up by the industrial military complex so completely that we have forgotten what it was we were suposed to be doing? This year, we as a family have decided to refuse that path, and to seek instead to remember the things we find precious about this season. We will gather to share each others company, share the fruits of the past year, break bread together, and celebrate the turning of the wheel and the longest night and shortest day of the year. This is the season of turning within, to ourselves and each other, of finding the real treasures of friendship, faith, and personal growth. For me, this is the time of the Goddess, who stands at the peak of her creative power. She is healer, nurturer and deep power for the creation of the future. It is the time of new beginnings, and the conception of the path for the new year. So what is it you treasure this season? What is it really you find important now? Just think about it, as you trim the tree, which, by the way,is for the Goddess, and Her promise of eternal life. Those ornaments are symbolic of gifts to Her, gold, silver, fruits and precious things. Our way of thanking Her for Her gifts to us. What are you thanking Her for? What path do you start when the darkness reaches its deepest and you reach within to touch Your inner Light, and to hold it up as a beacon, with the rest of us, to lead the world forward into the light?
Merry Christmas, Blessed Yule, however you celebrate this season, Blessed Be.

It has been snowing since yesterday. Other than to shovel a little (very little) snow I have had the opportunity to stay home. The city has shut down for the most part - everyone has stayed home today - mostly everything is closed - even the bars closed early (we know because some of us passed them on the way home)What a treat! Life came to a pause.
It is important to stop once in a while, just to take stock of yourself. Are you who you want to be? Are you being who you need to be? What works? What doesn't? In the hurly burly of every day it is too easy to be swept along doing the next thig, and to lose track of ourselves. No time to look.
This is week eight of chemo. 40 to go. I struggle to stay in focus - to keep being the kind of person I need to be, when all of this is added to my life. I think that if I can keep doing it, keep looking for the way to be kind and generous, and patient as I make this passage, when I get done I will find myself with new and bigger possibilities.

On the subject of the BB story attached to the Golden Egg entry - I actually remember a slight difference - and it makes it even stupider - the way I remember W saying that the BB got into his ear is that after all the rough housing they were sitting on the sofa and his friend had the bb in his hand - from under the sofa cushion I think. And W asked what are you going to do with it? I don't know. How about if I put it in your ear? W didn't believe he would, so when he just rolled it into the ear, W didn't try to stop him. Problem was, W had stickey ear wax and it wouldn't roll back out. Then he was to embarassed to say anything about it til the doctor asked.
We may have heard different versions. Sometimes that happens. Maybe we should ask him?

Good news and bad news. Bad news first. The test was right. Good news next - I got the drug to kick up the white cells and it worked. I like to think that all the prayers and thoughts help to acheive positive results. I think that quantum physics is the science behind magic and that Divinity put it into the universe as a tool for the fulfilment of prayer. Any how, thanks to all who have been thinking of me in such helpful ways. My life has surely been materially improved and I pray that yours will be as well.

The bad news is my white cell count went down the drain. This is not good. I go for a retest tomorrow and I hope the test is wrong. The good news is there's a drug for that, and I have applied for funding from the drug co.

Yesterday I went to the bazar and I obtained a golden egg. Yes, really. A really o truely o Golden Egg. The goose was nowhere to be found. I looked. I looked everywhere, under tables, in wagons, under wagons, in baskets, well, you get the idea. And I asked the merchant who had the egg, but he didn't know where she was either. (I can find him again - so I will watch this one! Just in case!) The egg in question is on my kitchen table as I write. I will post a picture as soon as I find out how. I have the camera, I have the egg, now I have to figure it out, but as soon as I do, the picture will appear. Just think - a Golden Egg!

Yesterday I started Chemotherapy. My life has become very complex.

Life is complex
Dawn comes before you're ready
And dark before you know
You think the path behind is clear
And where you have to go
But the picture's not that simple
It never is it's true
The night is filled with all our fears
But every day is new
Cherish every friend you find
However long they stay
The real ones will be there
In pain as well as play
Life is Complex
And sometimes really hard
Joy is everywhere to find
And this I wish for you
Joy and Peace and Love and more
And plenty come to you
Life is complex