This should really be a story submission on the front page,but considering how poorly run Slashdot is, it would never make it. Like I care at this point.

My move from Windows to Linux was precipitated the first time that I saw the Enlightenment Window Manager and G.I.M.P. At that point, I'd been working on Windows 3.1 and then 95a. I was using Windows for audio production (because I couldn't afford a Mac) and desktop publishing. My most used applications were Cakewalk Pro Audio, Wave for Windows, CoolEdit, Adobe Photoshop 2 and then 3, Aldus Pagemaker (later became Adobe) and Goldenhawk Technology's CDRWIN. I started off with a 486 DX2 66 with 16 Megs of RAM in August of 1994 and DOS 6.22/Win 3.1. Then I progressed to a 486 DX4 100 with 32 Megs of RAM, and Windows 95a. I also upgraded from cheapo IDE to a SCSI disk system.

With Windows 3.1, I really felt like I was slumming it compared to Mac OS 7 from my college years or even my Atari 1040ST. In word, the user interface sucked ass. When Windows 95 came out it was a nice improvement, but it still needed work. What was particularly frustrating was when I found out how little effort had been put into the MIDI subsystem of Windows 95. It was basically carried over from Windows 3.1! That was when I decided that Microsoft cared only for the business world and not the creative media world (which was growing in import at the time). I got sick of the promises from Microsoft and sent in a letter telling them they'd better start paying attention to musicians and artists if they ever want to be taken seriously by us. However, I knew this would fall on deaf ears because business is where they think they can make more money. They didn't seem to realize that many of the creative folk who AREN'T in business was willing to drop hundreds or thousands on our tools in one pop without batting an eye if the tools are good.

I'd played around with Unix and VMS in college and when a friend at my first real job out of college introduced me to Linux I gave it a try. At the time, Linux was pretty hard to get going, but I did it and was intrigued. I couldn't get X running though, so back to Win 3.1 and my Mac emulator. But as time went on I kept my eye on Linux. Then one day in 1997, I saw the Enlightenment Window Manager and realized Linux was where I needed to be no matter how hard it was to set up. I installed Redhat 4 and then set out to try out Enlightment. I finally got it installed and running after a week of reading and trying to understand what I was doing. The end results were truly rewarding. What had previously been a boring old Windows 95 system was now a much more reliable and powerful desktop with a lot of great eye candy.

My other goal was to try out G.I.M.P. Since it came with the OS distribution, I just ran it and played with it. The reasons I was using Photoshop (digital image manipulation) were more than suited to GIMP and I was sold. I never bought another Adobe product again.

Within the first six months I discovered SAMBA, IP Masquerading/NAT, and Apache. Since I was also learning how to work with Windows NT 3.51 and 4.0 on the job, I soon realized I could have the same functionality at home for free. Since I'm not rich and am completely opposed to piracy, I saw an instant appeal in Linux that went beyond the initial eye candy (Enlightenement) and killer app (GIMP) phase. Now, there is no going back for me. The only thing that has kept me dealing with Windows at home is audio and video production. In the Spring of 2004 I finally got my pro audio interface (An Echo Layla 20) working in Linux. I've been playing around with it for a bit. Technically, Linux, at the OS level, is farther ahead than Windows in the audio/MIDI realm. The application realm is starting to progress, but there are still things I am missing from Windows or the Mac. However, at thisd point, I only have one installation of Windows XP here at home. It's on my audio/video workstation. If the apps move further along within the next year or two, Windows will probably disappear from my life other than work.

What about you?

Update: Hell and bat's doos. I forgot to enable comments earlier. Thanks Sam.

It was the summer of 1984 and I was just coming in from my backyard at about midnight. It was fairly warm that evening and I was feeling a bit down. So I did what any normal 80s teen would do and I turned on the TV for a little companionship. I loved old movies and took a trip through the dial, but was greeted with westerns which I didn't care for. The... at exactly midnight, I landed on our local PBS affiliate. I heard the familiar sounds of Isao Tomita playing Claude Debussy's Arabesque. Since I loved Tomita's decidedly whimsical renditions of classical music, I stopped. This was the first time I ever watched Jack Horkheimer's weekly progam, Star Hustler. Since I already had a slight interest in astronomy, I was hooked. I then began to seek the show out. Whenever I was on family vacations, I would look for the local PBS station to see if they carried Star Hustler. Many times I was treated to the show at excellent viewing opportunities (star gazing that is). Now, in the 21st century, good old Jack is on the net and in Linux friendly RealPlayer format! :) I don't think I will ever miss an episode again. Go out this weekend and check out Venus just before sunrise with Regulus by her side. I'm getting the urge to try and start building that homemade telescope again... That guy should get an "Ultimate Geek" award as he exemplifies many of the finer qualities of a true geek. How many of you grew up with "The Hork"?

The Marx Brothers were geniuses. Even today, their humor is exquisite. Take this exchange between Groucho Marx and Margaret Dumont from The Coconuts (1929):

Groucho: Now you've gotten it out of me. I love you.
Mrs Potter: I don't think you'd love me if I were poor.
Groucho: I might, but I'd keep my mouth shut.

Such timeless humor. Do yourself a favor and rent a Marx Brothers video this weekend.

The bloviating pundits will say that Kerry was "...aloof and cold. Out of touch with the average American". On the other hand, they will paint Bush as "...down to earth and very in touch with the average American. Even some of his slip ups were endearing since we can all see ourselves in similar situations". It's going to be so disgusting I can't bring myself to watch. A special message to the president from me: Go fuck yourself!

I will be the first to admit that this isn't too well thought out at the moment. But... I've been thinking about why the United States is so fractured politically right now. A lot of people on both sides put up a good talk about wanting to work together in non-partisan fashion, but it never really seems to work out either due to incompetence or corruption. While thinking about some of this I realized that what people in the United States really need is to define hard and fast goals that they can share as a common thread. I think this is impossible because many people have goals that are counter to one another no matter how good or bad their intentions. The root of the problem is that people suck as a rule. So how do we reach these goals? Or better yet. What is "The Goal".

I would argue that since most people are selfish and greedy, the goal should be self-centered, but with enough of a positive influence on other people that it couldn't help but be good for others. Sort of like a social version of "free/open source software". If most people are being completely honest, one of the biggest reasons for the success of free/oss is that much of the "product" is free of charge. This is a selfish/greed motivator. However, the good side to this is that if you do get involved with free/oss and contribute back to it as you find new ways to use it, then you really are having a positive influence on others. That's what makes the GNU GPL so appealing to some. So... how do we apply this to social/political issues? Basically find a way to help people help others. Because the REAL goal at the root is to make life better for others.

Comments? Opinions? Rants? (Please, please, please rant)

Am I just completely nuts, or has the world gone crazy? Read this then, tell me how someone who makes $110,000 a year (not me) could possibly afford a home that is $400,000+? How do people live these days? I have no problem revealing my stats because I don't particularly care. But... I make about $55,000 a year before taxes and I am just pushing the edge of my financial limits with a house that cost $137,000 that I was able to make a $50,000 down payment on. So my loan is $87,000. By the article's logic, I should be in a house that is in the $200,000+ range. WTF? How? Are people that irresponsible with their debt? Sorry, but I'm extremely fiscally conservative when it comes to my personal finances and I don't waste money on any non-essentials other than the occasional movie and computer hardware. So what about you folks. Anyone think I'm all wet with my finances?

Up front appy polly loggies: If you are offended by my miniscule trifles, sorry. BUt these really AREN'T any big deal at all.

1. I could never for the life of me figure out WHY on earth IT guys seem to be driven to wear the worst clothes possible. My particular pet peeve is the ad polos. For one thing, polo shirts are out, period. There is no reason that ANYONE in this day and age should be wearing polo shirts. But an even worse travesty is the polo shirt with the corporate logo on it. Second to that is the t-shirts with the corporate logos on them. Having the mascot for a movement (The BSD devil, the GNU, or Tux are fine) is fine because it represents an idea or organization that does not solely exist for profit. But polo shirts! Ugggh!!! In my book, anyone who voluntarily wears a polo shirt puts out the image of a loser immediately. That goes double if you're sitting in a lame sports car wearing shades.

2. People who don't understand the reason why you should keep a good deal of distance between you and the car in front of you. Screw the suggestion that you you beat count how many seconds in front of you the car is. The original concpet of one car length per every 10 miles per hour made a lot more sense. I always make sure I maintain a good 50-80 feet between my car and the car in front of me when I'm on the highway going between 50 and 65 miles an hour. It's just a good thing to do, period. End of story! People who think they have the right to just sit on your tail while going 65 mph need to come to my house so I can give them a little wisdom "Mr. Eddie Style" (if you've seen Lost Highway, you know what I mean).

3. OK, OK... this one is gratuitous, but I HATE boring music. What do I think is boring? Number one on my list of boring music is country music. I can't stand country music! What's worse is that there are so many "pop/rock" performers these days that are nothing more than country disguised as "rock". If their songs were played back in the 80s, there would have been no mistaking the style. However, today music is massively confused. Another style I ABHOR is classic rock. OK. So they were the first rockers to break away from the Elvis sound and "paved the way". I can deal with that. There is no reason to hold them up as being anything more than the pioneers though. Sorry, but guitar rock is massively overrated these days unless it's industrial which I CAN give a break because it's got some electronics in it. Grindcore, "Hip-Hop" (there is a difference between today's hip-hop and the real stuff from the 60s through to the early 90s), Grunge, Yuppie Rock (think Bare Naked Ladies, Dave Matthews Band, Train), most "Neo Punk" and Country-Rock crossovers all eat so much ass I can't even waste much time on them unless someone wants to challenge me on these.

4. The ugly glasses frames with very limited selections these days. For one, my wife and I do not like the ugly "hip" frames that all the liberal/femenists are wearing today. You know the ones I'm talking about. They are usually narrow, rectangular and thicker plastic. They are part of the travesty that is "geek chic". These HAVE GOT TO BE THE BIGGEST FUCKING JOKE that the fashion world has played on people since bell bottoms. The problem is that there isn't ANY choice if you are female and looking for some interesting stylish frames. You either go with those 60s monstrosities, or you go dull and get wireframes in that oval or soft rectangle style. Whatever happened to the Lennon frames!? The real problem is that there isn't enough variety. Not everyone who wears glasses looks good in the limited set of styles.

5. Reality TV bites ass!! Survivor, The Bachelor, even "Joe Average". They ALL SUCK and if you waste your eyeballs on this crap, then you deserve to lose the .5 IQ points per episode you lose for watching. Whatever happened to the idea of a good storyline?! Thank god for BBC America. At least that gives people like me some access to entertaining television that actually revolves around a plot. Screw reality TV. It's for morons who wouldn't know what creative was if it bit them on the genitals.

That is all.

Music playing in my head right now:
Dannii Minogue - Vibe On

(Chorus)
Plug it in give me my vibe on.
Give me vibrations.
That's what gets my ride on,
gotta have vibrations.
Jump on top it, sit right on it
Plug it in give me my vibe on,
gotta have viberations

Weather in my head:
65F/18C
Partly cloudy

Mental Dream Meal:
-Chappatis with garlic butter and a side of Hummus
-Lentil & Chicken Stew
-Sweet Black Cherries
-A tall glass of ice cold Stevia sweetened lemonade

Environmental Conditions of External Body:
-Cool extremities
-Nails a little too long with some chipping
-Socks feel a bit too warm
-Eyelids heavy with sleep

Mental Gymnastics for Tonight:
-Finally install and Play Doom III for a bit
-Play around with support for Echo Layla under Linux some more. Maybe recompile a few apps.
-Play around with OpenVPN

Mental Forecast for tomorrow:
-Ahhhhhh.... finally! A day off! More Frozen Bubble!!!

This has to be the worst presidential campaign year I've witnessed to date. People are so heavily polarized that it ensures that no third party has a prayer of winning. The two candidates are complete jackasses. Bush will surely lead us further down the wrong path. Kerry will probably just be ineffective. It's a complete travesty. What to do, what to do?

Putting aside any partisan feelings you may have. Sit down and ask yourself some important questions. The answers don't have to add up to any particular candidate as these questions will have different answers for everyone:

1. What has the current administration personally done to make my life harder/easier? Will I benefit from this administration staying or going?
2. Since both parties have nothing to offer but duds, which one do I think will do the least damage to the quality of life for me and my loved ones? What, exactly, do I define as "quality of life"? Living in a gated community? Putting food on the table? Improving my condition?
3. IMPORTANT: How has my life changed during this administration? Is it better? Worse? Same as it ever was? If it did change, how did it change exactly and how is the current administration responsible for this change? How do I think a Kerry administration would fare?
4. IMPORTANT: What services has the current administration provided that have personally helped/harmed me? How do I think a Kerry administration would perform in this arena compared to Bush?
5. Considering that by some accounts both Kerry and Bush supported the operations in Iraq, how do I think the operations have gone? Does the current state there reflect something that we should hold ANYONE (yes even Kerry) who supported the action accountable, or are the problems there soley the responsibility of the new free government of Iraq? Can it even be considered that there is a free government in Iraq?
6. Comparing American media on Sept. 11th 1999 with Sept. 11th 2004, has there been a chilling effect on truth in media caused by the Bush administration? Will Kerry do the same? (Oddly, if you think about it, the media as a whole are creidted with bring ultra -conservative liberal whackos.)
7. IMPORTANT: Regarding dissent; Since the Bush administration have created the concept of "free speech" zones and most conservatives seem to be OK with this. Let me put this question to conservatives: Would you like to see the practice continued if Kerry were to win the election and he was running again in 2008? Would you feel that being kept a little over a mile away from the candidate and his followers would be an effective way of voicing your dissent? For the liberals: Would you like to see Free Speech zones continued if Kerry were to win the election? Do you think tit-for-tat is a good policy?
8. IMPORTANT: How do you make the distinction regarding which "moral" aspects of the private life of a candidate are important to that candidate's suitability to office? Is sexual preference an issue that would make a candidate unfit for office? What about extramarital affairs? Would a history of drinking or drug problems concern you? Which of these selected topics would have a stronger influence on how the president governs you personally? Is Bush's past with drinking and cocaine an issue? What about any possible affairs? Kerry? And the big question: why?
9. Specifically for the christian conservative: Do you think religion should have any impact on the governing of the U.S? If so, do you think that Bush has exemplified the image of a godly man? Are you willing to look away from some of the possible issues with Bush since he talks the talk?

Sit down and ask yourself these questions. If you want, post your answers here. But whatever you do, forget all the partisan crap and look at facts. There are serious issues with both major candidates and a third party is now more than ever not an option. Not unless some third party candidate with a hell of a lot of charisma can sweep the country and sway the majority of voters. Honestly, I don't think [insert your chosen savior here] could make it as a third party candidate this year.

Contrary to my earlier JE, I've decided that it is in the better interests of all considered that I change my SIG. I have put up a new SIG that better expresses reality than my old one. Go check it out...

Although I don't think Pudge is responsible for my bans as he can't possibly be THAT stupid. He isn't being straightforward either. Sure the post was "off topic", but how else am I supposed to find out what's going on with my account if no one's home at moderation@slashdot.org?

Just a quick summary of the events of yesterday. Earlier in the day I decided to check and see if my ban was lifted by posting a test in one of the main story threads. It gets modded "Off Topic", but it DOES post. So, I think, "Cool! Ban lifted". Then I change my sig back to what it currently is "some unimportant dig at the Republican party". Just a few hours later I try and post, and... I'm banned again. I didn't get enough downmods yesterday to put my karma in the basement (it's still "Excellent" as of the moment) but for some reaon I'm banned again. The only conclusion I can draw is that someone doesn't like my admittedly silly anti-Republican SIG. Update: The SIG in question said, "If you like dead soldiers, thank a Republican".

I've tried going through the appropriate channels by sending mail to moderation@slashdot.org to determine if there is some kind of special moderation I am unaware of, or if I am now on some kind of "ban as soon as he gets one downmod" list. I just want a simple answer. But all I get is... nothing. Much like a lot of other people here, I am starting to see just how poorly operated Slashdot is. When it was just a smaller site without the monetary issue of subscriptions attached to it and it was run by Taco, it was great fun. Now, it's just a cesspool of wiry geeks with the newer editors being prime examples of what happens when you give the keys to the little runt that's trying to keep up with the big guy. (Think Scrappy Doo of the Scooby Doo cartoon or Cheops of Battle of the Planets).

One of my friends tried posting a point regarding my ban in Pudge's journal. Any reply to that post has been downmodded (probably by Pudge) so as to preserve the fantasy that no one disagrees with Pudge. Today I posted a direct question to Pudge and I got the above warning. Putting aside the fact that I asked him to foe me last month and he hasn't honored my request, he is now threatening to foe me thinking that this will bother me somehow. He can foe me if he likes. It's not like I've posted in his journal more than two or three times or that it provides much to look at anyway. It does, however, concern me that a Slashdot editor is not willing to address real issues being raised by a formerly happy reader.

That is why I've posted this JE. This is a place where Pudge can respond if he so choses. It is also a place where I will publically request that Pudge foe me since we are obviously at opposite ends of the spectrum politically. And finally, I will also make the statement directly to Pudge: I have no intention of changing my SIG no matter what anyone at Slashdto may do to my account. If you destroy my account, then I will simply create another. All you will have accomplished by this ridiculous vendetta against my silly SIG is created yet another user who only wants to stay here simply to be a thorn in your side. So how do you want things Pudge? Bottom line to whoever is banning me: you created this problem, you can fix it.

The SIG isn't going to change until operations in Iraq have reached the point where Iraqis can walk down the street to the local McDonald's and buy a McLis-san el Qathi with a stable currency and everyone can surf the web at typical DSL speeds in Iraq. Or... until I can be free to voice an anti-Republican stance without getting banned for it... Just put that in your pipe and smoke it.

There are also days that will live in infamy. First and foremost, there's Pearl Harbor. ;| Then there is the start of my IP bans from the bitches at Slashdot.

Anyway... my SIG is mostly in response to the atrocious bumper sticker that says, "If you love your freedoms, thank a Republican". Anyone with that on their car needs a bitchslap. All politicians on both sides are scumbags who should be tortured painfully. Especially Bush. In my opinion.

Yes the ban is back! This is where I make my solemn vow to NEVER leave Slashdot. I was considering leaving, but I can see now that it really needs the presence of people like me to provide balance. Again, to whoever is responsible for my ban, thanks for making me very aware of how much I need to be here. :)

It appears that the powers that be at Slashdot have decided to let the ban on my subnet end. Let's see how soon my ban is re-instated after I change my sig back to:

"If you like dead soldiers, thank a Republican"

I'm starting to think that was the cause of the ban. Hehehe.. idiots.

I was raised in a fairly unusual way spiritually speaking. My mom was catholic and my dad was raised catholic but converted to the protestant faith in his 20s. I was sent to a catholic school, but my dad made sure we went to a First Assemblies of God protestant church (F.A.G. from here on out) on Sundays. My mom's sister was a Jehova's Witnesses member. She was "in the truth" unlike the rest of us "worldly" people. My aunt and my dad used to have long debates about why their chosen faith was better than the other. To my dad, his being "born again" opened his eyes and made a major change in his world view. He felt it really made him a whole person. On the other hand my aunt said that when she was in the middle of a very dark period in her life, she prayed and asked god for a sign to tell her what to do. Within minutes, there were some Jehova's Witnesses at the door and she accepted this as her answer from god. She's never looked back since. My mom, was pretty much just... catholic. She didn't need to talk about being "born again" or "in the truth" or about any greater enlightenment that she experienced. She was born into a catholic family in South America, raised catholic, and stayed catholic. However, she had some major wars with my aunt and my dad about their religious beliefs and my upbringing. All of these mixed signals sent the message to me that religion is about disagreement, strife, hurt feelings, and at some point lies.

I remember once going to my aunt's house and she decided that it would be a good idea for me to participate in "bible study" with my cousin. I was about four at the time and didn't mind since I figured the bible was "good" in any form. Plus it would also allow me to ask questions about their beliefs since my dad had told me so much about why the Jehova's Witnesses were wrong. So the first question I put to my aunt was, "why does your church use a false bible instead of the true word of god in the King James bible"? She went into an explanation about Charles Tayes Russell and his encounter with god. Then she went of on a loosely related tangent saying that Jehova's Witnesses were really just like jews. They don't believe that Jesus Christ was the son of god and they are awaiting the true savior. They regard him as a nice man but not the son of god. The next question I asked was, "why is Christmas bad for Jehova's Witnesses". To which she replied that all major Christian holidays started off as pagan holidays and that pagans are all devil worshipers. We then read some scriptures from their bible and I pondered her answers. I had my doubts about the Christmas answer and I didn't quite grasp the Charles Tayes Russell answer. I went home and asked my mom about those things and the next thing I know, she's on the phone yelling at my aunt. I didn't see my aunt and cousin for a half a year after that.

Later on I asked my dad about the Charles Tayes Russell answer and the Christmas answer. He told me that Charles Tayes Russell was a liar and a con man and that Christmas is a christian celebration of the birth of Christ. At that point in my life I looked to my dad as being the ultimate authority on all things religious and accepted those answers as complete truth.

At another phase in my spiritual development, I was at the F.A.G. for Sunday services. Since I was a pretty voracious reader at 10 and kind of a news hound, I was very interested in this "news letter" they would hand out each Sunday with "News from a Christian Perspective". It covered topics from Business to Entertainment to Politics. I would kind of tune out the service itself and read this thing every Sunday. Here are some samples of the typical "headlines":

1. Boy found nailed to bedroom ceiling after playing Dungeons and Dragons. Demonic connections suspected
2. Avowed homosexual TV producer Norman Lear wanted to have a gay character in a sitcom. Are the gays after your eyes?
3. Thank god for Ronald Reagan. Let's take America back to it's Christian heritiage!
4. 666 is the most commonly used number in computers. Are computers a tool of the devil? (Hehehe... once I got into Unix and started using chmod, I had a little laugh about this)
5. Star Wars movies push demonic power in sheep's clothing. The force or dark forces?

As you can see, the "headlines" read like Brent Metzler's wet dreams. Of course being only 10, I didn't know any better. Although I took much of what was written in these newsletters as fact, I was beginning to have strong doubts. Especially since the catholics at my school seemed to know nothing about these things.

I was puzzled at how two different religions who both claimed to be christian could be so out of touch with each other on the information front. Why weren't the catholics hunting down the D&D players and trying to save them from mortal peril? Why weren't the catholics concerned that Norman Lear was pushing gay sex on prime time television? Where was the outrage? It didn't make sense to me. To make matters even more confusing, I really liked the kids in sunday school at the F.A.G. more than my classmates at the catholic school. They were friendlier overall. So there it was... I went to mass on Wednesdays and the F.A.G. on Sundays. Two doctrines and a lot of dogma about why the other side was evil.

Then, it happened. One Sunday at the F.A.G., there was a bit of a delay in the start of the service. Eventually one of the deacons came out and announced that there was a bit of an altercation with the choir director. He was one of our strongest (in terms of faith) and most respected members. Apparently, he'd gotten pissed off at the choir and cussed them out in a pretty vile way. This was the little thread that got pulled and unwravelled a whole fabric of ugliness that had been growing at the F.A.G.

It turned out that he had a drinking problem and anger management issues. He was also carrying on an affair with one of the women in the church. Later it was revealed that several affairs had been going on there. I was disturbed by this because as much as I already disliked going to church, at least this place was a refuge from the dichotomy of my catholic experience during the week. The dichotomy where we were taught to be loving to one another yet the kids tried, literally, to murder each other. More on that later. So now I was in crisis. It was a silent crisis because my own parents were having problems of their own that seemed to be stemming from their religious differences. At this point my mom didn't want us to go to the F.A.G. anymore, but my dad would still go on his own. I kind of missed my friends there, but I was relieved to not have to sit through boring services anymore. My mom and dad had huge weekly fights about religion and I started to sour on it.

After seeing the fighting between my mom and dad, and my dad and my aunt, I began to think that this is not what a kind and decent god would want. So... all three of these religions must be the "wrong path". At this point I started to seek out other answers. I opened my mind to the possibility that other religions (even the non-Christian ones) may be the answer. Growing up in a largely Jewish community, I got a chance to find out what their views were. Of course, I foolishly assumed that I could "convert" to Judaism just as many people converted from catholicism to the protestant sects. Making this confession to a few of the jewish kids in my new (public) junior high school brought howls of cruel laughter. Nope. That wasn't the answer either. Although I respected the jewish kids for their tendency towards stong intellect, I noted that they could be as mean as the catholic kids.

Going back a bit to my catholic school experience, I have to make note that I later found out that the school I went to was where a lot of the local mobsters and cops (!) sent their kids. I didn't know it at the time, but it explained a lot later. When I said that kids literally tried to kill each other, I am completely serious. I remember one instance where a group of kids chased me up to the third floor and cornered me while their leader prepared to push me out of a third floor window. I was lucky because a nun caught them before they could finish what they were doing. We all got in trouble for being on the third floor during recess. No matter how much I attempted to explain what had happened the adults didn't care. These days, I chalk it up to possible racism since the school was mostly Irish and I had darker skin and hair and both the adults and the kids treated me like a second class citizen. There were about four black kids in the school out of about 400. I remember one of those kids being grabbed by a small mob who attempted to push him out into traffic on the main road nearby. He didn't do anything to provoke this other than being black. He was a nice kid, but if he's got issues with white people these days, I don't blame him one bit. Even I have issues with white people and for all intents and purposes I'm a "white man". Yes, it was a fucked up place and is the reason why I'm not catholic and will never send my kid to catholic school.

So... catholicism wasn't the answer. The Jehova's Witnesses wasn't the answer. The F.A.G. and basic protestant christians weren't the answer either. What did I do? I created my own personal religion. I called it "The Church of the Self". It was based on christianity, but I dropped a lot of the illogical things. Things like the requirement that you go to church. I figured, why? If I can sit down right here and speak to god, why do I need to do it in a building at a specified time? I also dropped the concept of "tithing". I figured, if Jesus threw money grubbing bastards out of the church, why should the church itself go money grubbing? Then I started to explore some of the new age concepts out there. I made new friends in public high school who then introduced me to being agnostic, or even atheist and sacreligious. I had a friend who would shake his fist at the sky and taunt god making threats to "rip off his head and shit down his neck". Oddly enough that same person is now an extremist conservative catholic (as in someone who put's pictures of aborted fetuses in his car window) who is studying Judaism. I also lost my fear of the occult and began studying satanism and demonology. Not because I believed in that crap, but because I wanted to know both sides of the story. One of the greatest disservices that most chritians do to their kids is that they DON'T let them find out about the other side for themselves.

I was facinated to find out that the word "pagan" is derived from "paisano" which roughly translates to country man or "man from the country". When the catholic church was having it's nice little holy war against anyone who didn't financially support the church, they started persecuting the people who lied their simple lives out in the country. These people had their own practices and were not interested in the catholic church. So the catholics took the best approch to defeating your enemy. Make your enemy out to be demonic. At this time the paisanos worshipped the god Pan. Pan was supposed to be a nature god along with others who helped keep the world in balance and the crops coming. Not too threatening really. But the catholics distorted Pan into this evil demon and started killing anyone who would not support the catholics. The term paisano morphed into pagan over time and connoted ties to anything that was anti-christian. It still carries that stigma to this day for most people except for the new brand of pagans out there. This happened even though the christians were the aggressors. Pretty neat, huh?

Today, I have my own feelings on religion and spirituality which I will not shre with anyone other than to say I am completely opposed to all forms of organized religion. I see them as a control measure to keep the dumber monkeys in line and something that is not healthy for the continued progress of mankind.

Anyway... I as wondering if anyone else here had similar experiences and how you resolved your dillema