My Doc has told me to get more iron in my system to better my chance at having successful surgery. I have been eating alot of spinach, mostly in salads. My turd this morning has reflected that. It was very long, at least a good 18 inches. It came out easily and with little pushing. It had a brown-green color and a dirt smell. The turd cleaned up very nicely. It flushed but left big streaks where it circled the drain. I rate this turd as a 8.

I had a cheese steak and a couple of beers from Dominion Brew Pub yesterday. Today for lunch, I had pork and mushrooms. The pork caused explosive diareah. It was pretty rank. I felt the rumblings at my desk. I made my way to the bathroom as quickly as I could. I could not take full strides, cause I was afraid I would shit myself right there. I get to the bathroom and the cleaning lady is in there! Fuck! I waddle down to the next bathroom and barely make it. I sit down and liquid shoots from my butt. It made a gnarly splashing sound as it impacted the back of the toilet. It felt good. I had a lot of gas and it was very rank, it smelled like sulfur. Someone walked in the the bathroom adn walked right back out. The turd soup was yellow-ish in color and naturally had no form. Clean up was kind of a mess but not as bad as you would think. I rate this as a 5. (It gets points subtracted for lack of form, but gains some back due to overall experience and smell)

I will not be posting tommorrow. I am undergoing surgery for my kidney disorder. If I go to 'The Big Toilet in the Sky' as it were, I have left instructions to leave my username and password for this account somewhere on the net to be found. Take care and if I bite it, good luck with the Turd Report account! --

A friends site. Just him and some others ranting about people/things they hate. Fuck that guy!

I had shrimp and pasta for lunch yesterday. It was so-so. It made an interesting turd. It was very long and slender. It came out with very little pushing. It was green with little black chunks. It had a very sharp smell to it and cleaned up nicely. I rate this turd as a 7.

I did not feel like going out to eat yesterday, so I ordered a PapaJohn's Pizza. I got a small mushroom and cheese pizza and some Sprite. It was very good. This morning I had a very loose turd. It was hard to push out and I thought it was going to be like a rock. But it came out after some hard pushing. It smelled pretty bad, I think this is due to my fish oil tablets I take everyday. The turd was a generic brown in color. It had no form. It was just a pile. A pyramid of poo. It stuck to the bowl when flushed. I rate this turd a 5.

Wheeeeeee!!!1!

I had two Whoppers w/Cheese and no lettuce last night. It is the first fast food I have had for several months. My body reacted by turning it into a turd with brick-like hardness. It was a big turd, about 5cm across and 30cm long. It was a generic brown. It took a solid minute of pushing to get it out. It stunk like cod fish oil; which, due to my medications, is not shocking. The turd was so hard, it would not flush. It just sat there. A janitor had to come and extract it from the bowl. It was carried out in a little baggie. People retched. I laughed. i rate this turd as an 9, due to trouble it caused others and making people want to barf.

Trollaxor: satan is residing in my anus.
ME: Odd, have you been using Linux. That might explain your anal satan infection.
Trollaxor: :-)
Trollaxor: not a bit!
Trollaxor: i think it may be residue from hanging around slashdot too much though.
ME: Could be. Have you touched any Linux trade mags or come in contact with any Linux zealots?
Trollaxor: hmm.
Trollaxor: no, and no...
ME: Is there an OSS conferance in your area?
Trollaxor: no i checked that out... none.
ME: Or is the wind blowing from the Holland, Michigan area?
Trollaxor: from the north it is!
Trollaxor: that's it...
Trollaxor: Rob Malda's stinky shit breath is being carried down here.
ME: That explains it.
ME: My other thought was that a Linux Ninja might have shot you with a linux tipped ass-dart.
Trollaxor: soon i will have to expel a foul, vile piece of feces.
ME: Another Linux Zealot will have been born.
Trollaxor: LOL
ME: Show it the EULA from a MS disk and it will be killed.
Trollaxor: i think i'll try to flush him first
ME: Or shine the glow of a monitor hooked to any non-linux machine and it wil wither and die.
ME: Sweet Christ no!
ME: Linux Zealots just grow stronger in the sewer.
ME: You must kill it first.
ME: Once it gets in the sewer it starts it's migration to Holland, Michigan.
Trollaxor: i thin this is another convo that should be posted to your journal
ME: Once it makes it to the Slashdot Compound the life cycle is complete and it get a slashdot account and start posting.
ME: ok.
ME: After 2 weeks it will have mod points and a +1 bonus.

ME: Linux using child molester: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A2747-2002Jan5.html
ME: That's where I live!
ME: Tyree's black Mitsubishi Eclipse sat alone in the parking lot yesterday, with some bills and a bag of fast-food debris on the passenger seat.
ME: That sentance is very telling. He looks like a Linux user.
Trollaxor: that's creepy, but AFA slashdot goes, hilarious
ME: You see his pic?
Trollaxor: yeah
ME: Tyree's member profile on the Yahoo Internet service uses the name "master for teen slavegirls." The page displays a photograph of Tyree and lists his hobbies as "Training young female slaves to serve me in all ways." His "latest news" was that he was "looking for young slavegirls to train in real life."
ME: Linux really fucks you up, I guess.
Trollaxor: it does.
Trollaxor: this may be the subject of a new article.
ME: Looks like he was a Solaris user.
ME: I am searching for him on Google
ME: He is a Linux user tho. I am certain that is what lead him down this path.
Trollaxor: it's a gateway to faggotry!
ME: Well, he kidnapped a girl. So, technicaly, it is not faggorty.
ME: It leads to various perversions. In this case child molesting.
Trollaxor: i am sure he was mistaken
Trollaxor: he thoght they were boys
ME: In Katz's case, little boys. In Taco's case anything with an anus.
Trollaxor: LOL
ME: Timmah prefers to have fellow linux users shit on a glass coffee table while he jerks off from below.
Trollaxor: LOL!
ME: ChrisD slides a 12 black dildo in and out of his ass while reading archived posts from comp.lang.c++ on google.
ME: Michael pays male hookers to smash small woodland creatures under their feet while another boy spanks him. Michael dresses like Himler and recites old Hitler speaches during the process.
Trollaxor: it hurts it hurts
Trollaxor: my boss is askin me what ss o funny
Trollaxor: oh god
ME: Jamie prefers to dress in his crochless 'Clifford the Big Red Dog' suit and go to the dog park. He smears peanut butter on his genitals and anus and romps thru the park.
ME: Rob goes to the old folks home leans over a chair and moans 'Please fuck me' to anything that passes.
ME: Did I forget anyone?
ME: :-)
ME: Do with that what ever you like.
Trollaxor: hemos
ME: Hemos prefers to have his genitals incased in plaster of paris. He then watches the rest ofht eslashdot crowd in their perversions. He likes the restraining feel it gives.
ME: He then frees himself and performs auto-erotic asphyxiation while watching 'Beaches'.
Trollaxor: HAHAHHA

I wonder if you took two servers running slash and put them in seperate rooms and put the Slashdot janitors in one and put a dozen or so brain-dead lab apes in the other. Could you tell the difference between the two versions of slashdot? Now, you would have to give the apes a truckload of $5 crack and let them sodimize each other for several weeks on end, so both groups start out on even ground. But, would you be able no note the difference? I think so. I think that the apes could figure out how to use a spell checker and have a basic grasp of sentance structure. Two things, that in all these years, Taco and his goons have yet to figure out. The quality of articles selected would be the same. An ape would be slapping the keyboard with his schlong and would be psudo-randomly adding articles to the front page. It should come as no supprise to you that this is the exact method used my most of the slashdot staff. Another difference would be how long the Katz-ape would survive within the group. The Katz-ape would generate posts by humping the keyboard and submitting the resulting random garbage, but the other apes would realise that the Katz-ape was worthless and was better used as food. Jon Katz on the other hand generates his posts by humping a little boy. Comments? Discuss below:

I had an odd experience this morning. I went to take my Good Morning Shit and it produced a turd much like yesterdays. It was hard to get out and was very small. It was exactly like yesterdays. So, I went back to my desk to start another ignorance filled day. I wasn't at my desk for more than five minutes when I felt like I had to shit again. Bad. I got to the bathroom ASAP. I shat again and it was semi-solid. It was almost explosive in force. It was a generic brown and stunk like low tide at the shore. I wiped as quickly as possible and got out of there. It is 30 minutes later and it still stinks in there. Some cow-orker just commented on it. He says it smells like a burning tire dunp in there. It also smells in the hallway and in the breakroom. I rate this turd as a 8.

Thanks to all who voted in the 2001 Troll Awards. I have added up all the votes and here is what came out:

-Best Troll of 2001: Egg Troll
      Other Nominees:
      Genghis Troll
      The WIPO Troll
      TRoLLaXoR
      Big_Ass_Spork
      The Turd Report
      sllort
      Klerck
      Ralph JewHater Nader

-Worst Troll of 2001: WIPO Troll
      Other nominees:
      CmderTaco
      Big Ass Spork
      JonKatz
      George WIPO Bush
      The Lyrics Guy
      Flarners
      Frank White
      Wil Wheaton
      Klerck

-Most Improved Troll: WIPO Troll
      Other nominees:
      The Turd Report
      core10k
      Big_Ass_Spork
      Archie Bunker
      Perdida
      BankofAmerica_ATM

-Troll Lifetime Achievement Award: The Turd Report
      Other nominees:
      WIPO Troll
      Sunken Kursk
      Egg Troll
      OSM
      The_Messenger
      Shoeboy
      Big_Ass_Spork

-Best Troll post of 2001: Egg Troll's GPL Troll
      Other nominees:
      The mimbleton attack
      I DO IT WRONG! post
      The Turd Report's reports
      The 2001 Troll Awards
      Taco Snotting FAQ
      Egg Troll's C: A Dead Language? troll
      anything by The Messenger

-Best CrapFlood Material: ASCII goatse.cx
      Other nominations:
      Taco Snotting
      I DO IT WRONG! post
      Any Adeqacy crapola
      All AC posts
      Klerck's page widening/lengthening posts

-Most hated Slashdot Janitor: Michael
      Other nominees:
      JonKatz
      Roblimo
      Timothy
      Cliff
      Jamie
      CmdrTaco

-Slashdot Janitor Most Likely to Get Fired: Jon Katz
      Other nominees:
      Michael
      Timothy
      ChrisD
      Cliff
      Jamie
      All of them

-Troll You Would Want to Drink a Beer With: WIPO Troll
      Other nominees:
      Genghis Troll
      TRoLLaXor
      Fort Knox
      The Turd Report
      euroderf
      The Messenger
      mackga
      Egg Troll
      The Lyrics Guy
      Big Ass Spork

-Troll That You Would Not Want to Be Trapped in an Elevator With: WIPO Troll
      Other nominees:
      Ghengis Troll
      Frank White
      Wil Wheaton
      Klerck
      Any Spork

-Gayest Slashdot Poster: TIE! Big_Ass_Spork or Anonymous Coward
      Other nominees:
      rasactive
      WIPO Troll
      Anyone who has something about ignoring ACs in their sig
      Will Wheaton
      Wakko Warner
      Wntrmute
      JonKatz
      Michael
      CowboyNeal

Announcing the 2001 Troll Award Nominations. Please take a moment to
email me your votes for the following catagories:

-Best Troll of 2001
-Worst Troll of 2001
-Most Improved Troll
-Troll Lifetime Achievement Award
-Best Troll post of 2001
-Best CrapFlood Material
-Most hated Slashdot Janitor
-Slashdot Janitor Most Likely to Get Fired
-Troll You Would Want to Drink a Beer With
-Troll That You Would Not Want to Be Trapped in an Elevator With
-Gayest Slashdot Poster

This will be reposted until the Jan 4th, 2001. I will add the results and let you all know the winner.

POLLS ARE CLOSED!!!!11!!1!

Happy New Year Fans! I had chicken fingers with 911 hot sauce and the better part of a fifth of Johnny Walker Gold Label last night. I had the 'Ring of Fire' this morning. It took a good minute of pushing to get it going. It was about a foot long and I could not tell what color it was. They turn the lights off in 'non-essential' parts of the building during the weekends and holidays, so I pooped in the dark. There was an odd smell, kind of like dirt after I shit. Odd. It flushed easily, but the clean up was a mess. I must have used 1/4th of the roll. I rate this turd a 6.

I had two grilled ham and cheese sandwiches yesterday for lunch. They were edible, but not much else. I had a very small turd this morning; this is not suprising due to the fact that I did not eat much during the day. The turd did not want to come out easily, so it took a good amount of pushing to get it out. Some cow-orker waddling in and talking to me during my dump did not help the situation. I kept trying to brush him off with short, terse answers, but he kept babbling on. It was about 'Lord of the Rings'. I tell him I haven't seen it. He can't comprehend that I haven't seen the movie. He walks away, stunned. It (the turd, not the cow-orker) was about 6 inches long and very thin. It was a generic turd brown and smelled just like you think a turd would smell. It flushed with ease. I rate this turd as a 5.