I hit refresh
No new messages
I surf about 5 other sites, then hit refresh.
No new messages.
I write some e-mails, switch back to my browser and hit refresh
no new messages
I go outside to get the mail, come back hit refresh
No new messages.

Are the pages looking funny to any of you?

Some of you may or may not know, I use windows as a primary desktop. I've
been on top of MS releases since 95 (unless u can count dos 3.3 through 6.22) No
negative zealotry comments please, I have my reasons and lets just leave it at
that.

So gaim has been
released for windows. Way cool! What is gaim? Well, I discovered it
a while back, when I decided to give RH8 a try as a desktop for 3 months.
It's a better instant messenger client than anything out there because of it's
interoperability between all the IM protocols out there. Out of all the
things I enjoyed during my 3 month RH8 gaim was #1 on my list, so much so I
installed it on my linux server and used
reflectionX to run the application in a remote X display.

I've been on the net since mosaic 1, I didn't actually realize that, but that
slash article confirmed this for me. Damn, 10 years....

The problem though has been people change e-mail addresses, but with instant
messaging this hasn't been a problem. I could stay in touch will all my "net"
friends without too much hassle.

Of course, IRC bleh exists. I used it for everything from chatting to
warezing, yay it sucks.

So for 10 years, i've gone through times where I either dropped contacts when
I switched to other IM clients, or I was running multiple clients, or I was
saying fuck this I aint runnin shit no more because it's a pain in the ass.
Then came Gaim :)

I gotta shower for work, gotta run soon. Oh, here's some
old school fun i've been playin with the
past week :) Doom II kicks ass with dynamic lighting and true quake models.

--toq

Shitty stories the last few weeks, nothing really of interest to comment on, so I'm back here again writing my own stories...

Has anyone noticed Burger King no longer is advertising to African Americans? Just 2 years ago BK was pumping out commercials that looked like psuedo rap video's, complete with a puff daddy lookalike. Obvious attempt to get more african americans to eat more BK.

An interesting side note, BK is run by a African American management team (saw it hanging on a plaque at BK)

Lately BK has been running commercials, showing white cowboys talking about what a great life it is, the smell of the burning wood, burgers cooked over an open fire, yadda yadda. Has anyone else noticed this?

Damn, no pr0n ic0n, oh well..

A reader from wrote in, "Why does my dog prefer drinking out of the toilet instead of his clean dish with fresh water?"

The reply went something along the lines of, "Dear Reader, dogs have a sense of smell 100x greater than humans. According to our friend Dr. VMC (they asked some vet) animals can smell the heavy minerals and elements (like arsnic) in rapidly moving water. Your toilet has a settling tank, where these heavy elements will float to the bottom after time. It's also why they prefer rain puddles over anything else"

It was just some interesting trivia. Who says you can't learn something from pr0n?

2 years unemployed, and the job market keeps getting worse. Should I play it safe, and just starve to keep my house? Or should I gamble it all on a gamehouse...

It shouldn't be too hard to open, since Dell has pre-approved me for financing. Other than that, I just need 10-15k to cover my first 3 months of operation costs till I become profitable.

What I have done so far to make this happen...

$700 bucks to file my LLC. I chose LLC because in the likely event that this thing goes belly up, I can tell dell to suck a fat dick and still keep my house.

$120 for my ficticious name

Filled out and returned 5 credit card apps. Now I got over 100k in credit.

Began talks with caligari for doing a "test market"
My gamehouse plans are way different than what current gamehouses do...

All of the gamehouses I've seen have the same "look" to them. Nothing more than an empty room full of tables, chairs, and computers. Why hasn't anyone really "themed" a gamehouse yet? Build a box around the ceiling fan so it looks like a CPU fan, hang things from the ceiling that look electronic. Hang up things that look like resistors, pancake capacitors. When the kids come in, I want them to know we love games and technology and are in this for more than just the money.

Another major problem I see with gamehouses is they don't make any money when they are closed. None of the gamehouse owners/operators i've talked to ever even considered doing some type of distributed computing during their off hours.

Right now I have a neighbor who's a top notch salesguy talking with Roman at caligari. Sure truespace isn't the most widely used 3d package out there, but we think we can change that. The going rate for renderfarms is .5 per ghz per hour.

Our plan is to sell our resources "wholesale" to caligari, at .25 per ghz per hour. They give us their software to load on our machines and resell it to their customers at the normal rate. We plan on offering this deal to any other 3d package with a distributed client out there.

Cool thing with caligari is they're close enough to us where we can have face to face meetings.

Anyways, what do my fans think? Do I stand a chance against the already established gamehouses in my area with my plan? (note, this is the lite version, if you are interested in investing I could show you the full on thing post-nda)

A few weeks back I noticed someone downmodding every comment I made, and this annoying anonymous coward kept following me around saying "T0qer doesn't know shit!"

By the writing style, I know it's the same guy.

Well, I've worked extra hard on my comments the last few weeks, spelling and gramatical errors aside i've managed to pull some really good stuff from my life experience. I'm close to my last 20 comments being +5's. I turned 30 a few days ago, now I can say without a doubt, i've experienced a good portion of life, and nobody can tell me different at this point..

Going back to my haters though..

If any of my foes are reading my journal, WTF is your problem with me? Everything I write is usually truth seasoned a bit with my own personal experiences. Why is it you have such a problem with what I say that everytime you get mod points, despite what I write you just mod me down?

I know i'm different, hell we're all different. We probably both love technology and computers, but outside of that I know we're as individual as everyone else out here.

One of the most important differences between me and most people is, I don't believe in being a fanatic. I don't believe in telling people what they are doing is wrong unless it's physically hurting someone. My neighbor could don some pink underwear and walk around in high heels all day and as long as he didn't do it in my house I wouldn't care.

Trying to convince somebody that their thinking is wrong is wrong if they don't hurt anybody. See the homeless man? Why should he get a job? He's happy collecting cans, panhandling, and digging in dumpsters for food. Yah he may be a blight, and annoying as all fuck, but you don't have to live with him, or work with him, you can simply choose to either give him some change or walk past him.

Some of you people, I just don't understand...

Fuck superbowl...

Seriously, I thought about it for a minute. I never even liked football, all that running around proves what? Someone is physically strong? Big woop. I know who's playing, practically every fucking football head and television has burned it into my head through both audio and visual assaults.

I read, I would hide inside the library at recess. I read everything I could about science, lots of good childrens fiction (Runaway ralph is a classic) and generally just sat in front of something with text until the advent of my first computer.

Socially speaking, I watch it because of people like my neighbor, "WTF IS A MATTER WITH YOU? SOMETHING WRONG WITH SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T WATCH FOOTBALL" He likes to tease a lot, I snapped back, "YEAH IT'S ASSHOLES LIKE YOU THAT TURN ME OFF TO IT!" We always have a good roast like that over a soda. We'll sit in his garage with the door wide open, enjoying the day throwing caps back and forth.

I mean sure, football is a national pastime and everything, but America has so many more national pastimes now, like battlebots (still don't watch it, don't like the eat what's on your plate interface of TV" Ok. Ok. So maybe not battlebots, but definetly computer science, writing, authoring stuff, mechanical design and others. I just don't like anything but computers.

I don't like generalizing what I like about computers too much anymore either. What do I do? I take old shit and turn it into routers or simple internet terminals, I draw stuff in truespace, I set up networks, I download shit on p2p networks, I set up p2p networks like bittorrent, I build BSD based webservers with apache/mysql/php and load up php/mysql apps, I solder stuff together, I make pringle cans 802.11 antennas, I burn cd's, I install OS's, I configure e-mail, I build open mosix clusters.

I used to get paid doing this stuff, but now I do it just to keep me busy and my mind focused. Sure it ain't watching football, but it's a helluva lot more fun.

Here!
http://yro.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=51310&cid=0&pid=0&startat=&threshold=-1&mode=thread&commentsort=0&op=Change

http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=50111&cid=5043098&pid=5043098&startat=&threshold=-1&mode=thread&commentsort=0&op=Change

If you look at my current user info, you'll see i've had a string of well moderated comments, yet this one kept getting knocked down...

I know %90 of slashers feel like I do about GWB, he's an idiot. They're sweeping floors in some box factory out in conneticuit because they lost their job doing what they loved and were good at.

There is documented proof that the goverment keeps logs on peoples political views. All those FBI files back in the 50's on who was and wasn't commie. Seeing as how well I can get moderation generated on my comments, GWB might see this as a threat.

So based on the strange moderation I got today..
Moderation Totals: Offtopic=1, Insightful=1, Interesting=3, Overrated=4, Total=9.

I had 4 votes to promote the comment, and 5 not too.

Bah, i'm just being paranoid.

Maybe I do, maybe I
don't...

So this is the vault. A Dual pII333 20 gig raid5 dell 4100 that I threw
FreeBSD, compiled some stuff and turned it into something usefull. IT WAS GOING
TO BE TOSSED IN A LANDFILL! Yet again I use my techno hippie skills to
make another contribution to the world.

Since I work for zero magazine (Well if you
don't get paid I guess that's volunteering) as their primary tech guy and
webmaster, I decided it was time these cats got into the 90's with their web
operations.

Fuck it, install some open source software, install some more open source
software, and blam! you got something the whole community can use. We run a
print magazine of 50,000 issues a month, and we'll be featuring a story about
the whole open source ordeal.

I still think linux and BSD both are retarded as hell for the desktop. Gimp,
blender3d, Open Office, are buggy peices of crap with the interface designed by
a dyslexic monkey. Why doesn't apple start doing x86 stuff? Are they
waiting for our 64bit processors to come out?

Enough ranting for tonight, Thank you GWB for reducing me to a karaoke bar
bouncer. I had to keep some drunk Samoan Gorilla from beating up on this gimp
with a cane! No shit, this 300lb monkey was going to beat up this
little limping 140lb man up for saying something to him...

This is my Christmas message to all of you upper civilized citizens here on
Slashdot. Times are hard as fuck right now, don't let it get you down. Go out
and do something that makes you happy, even if you cannot afford it. Go
downtown, find the first homeless guy you can and take him for lunch at the
closest restaurant you can find. Take the time to see that he is a human being.
Lets not go crazy and let our uncivilized primal instincts take us over.
Oakland is over 100 murders now, it was almost cleaned up when the economy was
better.

Take what you learn with you and don't forget it. Apply that good heart to
people around you and remind them that you love them.

Happy Holidays

--toq

Just had to say it, hopefully those that are reading this come from normal families that they can enjoy the holidays with.

When i'm under someones desk jigglin and wigglin thier cat5 the last thing they think of when they see me is me running around on stage, singing my heart out, getting drunk and acting like a nut. Yes folks, i'm hate to say it, but i'm a karaoke slut.

I wasn't always this way, it was that damn Mike Dutcher that got me started on it 3 years ago. For 6 months straight, 7 nights a week, 7 Martini's a night we would "Hit it up!" getting absolutely plastered while pretending to be Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin of the rat pack.

I remember the old gang that was there, yoshi, darren, bob, old mexican joe, Chief (Big ass indian like the guy from kookoo's nest) and Dee just to name a few. These guys were me and Mike's biggests fans cause we would just tear the house down.

Mike is a 5'7"ish what the japanese would call "hoppa" Half white, half jap. We were best buds since 12, he was always sort of an older brother to me, I spent so much time with his japanese side of his family I damn near was a relative!

He dressed swing style, and had a face like a japanese elvis (Which drove the girls crazy) He would start singing fly me to the moon, pick a girl from the croud out of her seat, and begin dancing around the room while singing to them. I swear you could see their melted hearts running down their pantlegs past thier ankles (either that or shmegma) as he would dip and twirl them around the room.

I watched him do this for about a month, and was struggling to develop my own repitoire of songs.He would try and help me get over my stage fright by singing "That's Amore" or switching off lines on "Lets Call the whole thing off" I wanted to be as good as him, no better, but I just couldn't make Dino's or Elvis's words sound that sweet. Then one day I found the song that changed my life...

The Impossible Dream
From the play Man of La Mancha (Don Quixote)

To Dream, The Impossible Dream...
To Fight, The unbeatable Foe
To Bear, The Unbearable Sorrow
To Run, Where the brave dare not go!
ect.ect. Google up the rest of the lyrics if you want..

Sorry folks, got carried away. Back to the story.

So I found this song one day flipping through the pages of the songbook. I figured, what the hell I THINK I know it. Good 'Old number 79-15.

I got up on stage with my martini and just shot it down. The liquor cooled my throat, I took a huge deep breath and my lungs cooled down even more. The music started playing and I listened to the tempo. From deep within me my voice jumped out.

TOOOO DREAAAAAAAAAAMM

From the first 2 notes I knew I was going to kick some ass on this song. Suddenly my lungs had expanded past their previous capacity, my voice deepened and resonated from my chest cavity. I produced low frequency bass that just rocked the house down.

And when it was over... The regulars just sat there quiet in astonishment for a second.. Sure Mike was the hot shit, but god damn, toqer created an earthquake with his voice, he moved the earth!

BRAVO!!! BRAVO!!!! (standing ovation)

I sat back down next to Mike, I could tell he was impressed. He asked, "Wow man where did you find that song kiddo?" I couldn't really answer that, it was just in me, somehow it was just something beutiful that I could relate to in mind heart and song.

"Let's do some that's amore" I said with a cocky grin :)

After that, I went on to master all kinds of songs. Baby got Back by sir mix a lot, All shook up by elvis, and the crowds favorite "Yes We have no Bannana's!" by spike jones. We started taking our karaoke very serious as a hobby and with the "Boo" as our base we would do the entire San Jose Karaoke Circuit. Most places only had karaoke 1 night of the week so one night we might be at the britania arms, or the next night we may be at 4th street bowl, or alma bowl.

And we would bring our karaoke pokemon skills with us to challenge the local regulars.

I CHALLENGE YOUR PRINCE PURPLE RAIN WITH MY FRANKIE SINATRA THE LADY IS A TRAMP!

Well, nobody would actually say that, but you could feel the underlying competition there.It was a big kick to go to these different karaoke gigs and make waves with the regulars. Before us the San Jose Karaoke scene was really limited to people +30 in age, but us two young strapping guys with these harmonic voices just started makin the 21-30 crowd start to look at karaoke in a whole new light.

Time wore on and it was affecting my health. In my role as an IT person, I had to be up pretty early, and my late night shenanigans would only leave me with a paultry amount of sleep. Everyday on the way into work I would go to starbucks and slam a iced triple expresso. Then one day it got me...

I thought it would be cool to goto golfland for lunch, i.e. nachos and some video games. (Hey i'm a geek so fuck off!) I was walking around tripping out on the different games when I saw free credits on Super Street fighter alpha zero whatever. You see, to me, free credits is like that machines WANTS to be touched, even a half credit, it wants you.

So I walked up and hit start. I picked ryu, started playing. I was fighting that 1st level boss imported from final fight. This street fighter had flashing all over the screen.

FLASH FLASH FLASH
*FLASH*FLASH*FLASH*
$flawaaaslallslslhlalalallaaaalaa gerrrrgill bibbble blip blang ZOOOOIEXSaaaaaaa"

Everyone knows the movie the matrix right? Remember when neo takes the pill and turns into liquid metal? Remember the digital sound effect they added to his scream? Sort of a robotic scream.

Well yeah, it was kinda like that..

I had enough sense left in me to just lie down. I heard that Neo Scream in my head and began convulsing in a fetal position. I came to 30 seconds later, with 2 guys standing over me trippin on me convulsing on the floor like a bug poisined from raid.

and I knew I had to quit cold turkey.

Embarassed from the self inflicted condition I put myself in, I did not want this incident to be documented in my insurance. I quickly gathered myself together, ran outside to my car and returned to the office. Went home and just started staying home.

Mike continued on for a little while longer. But I think without his sidekick, it just wasn't the same. We were the team rocket of the karaoke scene, we were bad ass monkeys! I think he was sad to see me go because right afterwards he got together with a girl and settled down. I've known him since we were 12, and just by the way he's always been a mentor to all his friends you know he's always wanted to be a dad. Hella cool he's reached his goal in life.

Me though, I haven't given up on karaoke just yet. I've started to train again with a shot of petrone before bed every night for the last week, and after a 3 year sebatical, i'm ready to make my return. Right now, times are so shitty, and people need reasons to be happy. Karaoke is one of those for me.

I was cruisin down the 87 on wednesday listening to college radio when I heard the dopest old school rap song that I ever heard in days (yeah I know, hillbilly english)

Brainiac dumb dumb bust the scientifical
approach to the force and the force is centrifical
can you find your way through the lyrics that be catchin up
throw another round caus the room may be catchen em .... ....
Check it out baby,
Chek it out yall
check it out baby
check it out yall
check it out baby
check it out yall
check it out baby
i was born to roll ..

Fuck! I hadn't heard that song in days! I knew I was going to be making a karaoke comeback but the cylindrical thoughts of "what if?" began swirling around in my mind...

I could d/l the mp3, I could vocal strip it, I could d/l the lyrics, I could use

more -1 born2roll.txt

  to scroll the lyrics up one page at a time, I could use the XMMS dancers plugin and gimp to make funny graphics with the lyrics on screen. I could use the karaoke vocal remove plugin to get all the vocals out.

I found out the song name was Born to Roll by Masta Ace Inc. and got the Mp3. I tried the karaoke XMMS vocal remover, it sucked. Then I started futzing around with soundtracker since I had been using trackers since the BBS days. I just didn't have the sound editing skills to make it sound right. Finally I gave up and just went with the vocal stripper which gave it really shitty sound.

I should have done a direct screen capture, but I was so nervous the whole week I didn't slow down enough when I was reading various Howto's on VCD creation. I wound up capturing the screen to VHS tape, then capturing it back into a bt878 card which resulted in some really crappy sound and unreadable text. As i'm typing this what I've got to do to make this work in linux has fallen into place in my head.

I got so pressed for time I said fuck it, i'll just use nero on the XP machine to compress and burn the VCD. Compression made it look even uglier. Now the text had become completely illegibal by the combo basterdization of composite out, VHS, and compression artifacts.

My wife's best friend and our roomate works there. So around 9:30 we headed on down to the Bamboo. I was very nervous and introverted at the thought that my new song would just flop and I would just make a huge fool of myself on stage. During the entire creation process I had read it over and over again for the last 48 hours. I thought I was ready, but I knew the VCD looked and sounded like shit and had barely missed my ride down there. (VCD wasn't done until 15 minutes before we had to leave)

None of the old boys were there. Not including staff maybe like 5 people remember the old days, all newcomers wanting to catch that magic moment when the crowd stares in awe at someone off the street pulling off the song of a superstar. The Bamboo is magical I swear!

I asked Toshi and Sayoko if I could bus tables for drinks, it's sort of our time honored tradition :) Sayoko hands me a flashlight and says "Check ID!" while pointing her finger at the door. Kim gives me a chocolate martini (vanilla stolli, chocolate liquer) and I sat at the door checking everybodies ID as they were coming in. I didn't recognize no one! Where Dee used to sit, sat some weirdo in a beanie so drunk he could hardly hold himself up. Where Yosh used to sit, well let's just say Yoshi wasn't there. Old japanese bob that slaps your arm when you tell him something funny was no where to be found. The crowd had completely become something else.

The KJ (Karaoke dJ) was different too (because it wasn't me!) Xavier is a cool cat though, I really dig his style and he can work those machines better than I ever did.

I religiously checked ID at the door, I had heard bamboo was getting hit a lot for underage people in there over the last few months and because I love the place so much I would not let ID'less people pass. Sorry to anyone who got turned away that night, it's my passionate love for Bamboo that made me so vigilant.

"Xavier! Put me up when you think people wont be comin in for a minute" I said as I handed him a dollar bill with 06-18 written on it, All Shook up by the King Elvis Presley himself. I had always used that one as a warmup song back in the day. I sat and watched as a group of 3 young men struggled with baby got back. Disapointed they had gotten one of my expert songs I figured my first night back, with an experimental CD maybe it's better that I didn't make too many waves.

"AND NEXT UP WE HAVE TOOOOQERRRR!" I turned to Brian and said, "watch the door". Making my way through the crowd I forgot how people look at the next person going on stage to "Size them up" if they haven't seen them before. With all eyes on me I walked up and flicked the mic's slide switch to "On"

A well a blessa my sould a whatsa a wrong witha me!
My insides shake like a leaf on a tree!

I could hear my voice struggling to keep up, luckily, like I said earlier, this was a warmup song so I started to do my dance. As I was singing I swung my leather jacket off me to expose the full glory of my t-shirt, which had the atari fuji logo. Earlier I had asked my roomate "Hey you're japanese, do you know what the atari fuji symbol is in japanese?" "THIS ONE!" and she held up her middle finger. Oh my fucking god that was so hilarious.

So there I was, back under the spotlights up on stage singing one of my "repitoire" songs. When I finished I went back to my duty checking ID's.

I had to make a choice between bananna's and the impossible dream. Tough times means people wont spend as much money in the bar and the song that I sing determines if someone wants to be more drunk while enjoying my antics. Going with bananna's because it's toshi's favorite.

Then it was time for the NT.. the new technology :)

I had been outside reading the lyrics off a sheet of paper, I had been studying and studying for that moment for the last 48 hours and I thought I was ready to drop the bomb in the house. I thought I was gonna tear it, hit it, and fling that house so far in the air nobody would ever want to come down. I had a dope song and I wanted to rap it. I got up on stage, tried it, and started losing wind unable to keep up. I was nervous, my chest was tight and I couldn't breathe. I had stage fright.

I told the KJ to restart it, the crowd didn't look unhappy, just disapointed, because they really wanted to hear the song. I quit after 2 chorus's and left the stage a little heartbroken.

Kim fixed me up an apple martini, hmmmm yummy. I sat down next to my friends and pondered why I couldn't do it, why I couldn't bust that rap after owning baby got back so many times. The beat is easy, 2 verses every 4 seconds.

A guy and two girls got up on stage and started singing Love Shack by the B52's. The guy actually looked like the B52's male singer! They had gone about halfway through the song, completely missing the tempo. They were having a hard time getting synchronized because the guy had stage fright. I started singing from my seat.

"I got me a car and it seats about 20!" My friends were getting a kick out of me, this was another one of my repitoire songs. The nervous guy on stage started waving me to come up there. My friends pushed me up to go help him out so up on stage I went. He nearly threw the mic into my hand and was trying to weasle off the stage, I just placed my body in a position where he had to stay :)

"The whole shack Shimmiies!"

Everytime he would back off the mic, there I was trying to shove it right back in his face. Then he started feeling the song in his heart and had the twang in his voice too. The two girls started harmonizing perfectly. Then I backed off the mic and let him go solo. Perfect.

It was the last call, then the lights came on and people started to go out. I walked over to the karaoke machine where Xavier was packing up.

"Dude I wanna get a practice in, one for the road ok?"

"She's all yours man" backing out of the control booth.

I powered up all the systems, and just turned on the monitor on stage. I put the lyric sheet in front of me and sat indian style. I closed my eyes and listened to the beat, I had to catch it now. Again I was struggling, I just kept slipping on certain verses when this guy I didn't see walked up out of the corner.

Squinting at the screen he asks "Hey what is this man?" I didn't really want him there because Bamboo was closing shop and I didn't want to offend Toshi and Sayoko. My bud Angel and Raul got up on stage too. They wanted to do it with me, so I said wtf let's try.

I hit play, we all knelt down before the lyrics and began doing the rhymes. Anytime I missed a word someone was there to fill in. At first we sounded like a doublebeat created by two simultaniously spinning turntables of the same record, but then we began to get in synch with one another, and by the time the song had finished, we were one lean mean karaoke unit. I had accomplished what I had set out to do that night, and was simply in awe about the one most heart felt acts of kindness that happens at karaoke, that moment when a noobie is up on stage struggling, and a regular comes up and helps them through the song. Holding someone's hand through someone can really show them how easy it can be and builds their confidence. I think that applies to any obstical a person has to overcome in life, be it a karaoke song, a layoff, a death in the family, it's the support of someone that's been there and been through it before that get's you through.

The Karaoke King has returned :)

I've been listening to people tell me this most of my life... Ever since my mother was taking me to therapists at 5. I'm sick of people telling me this, i'm sick of you.

I act funny because I had a bad example to follow. No magical brain chemistry, no voodoo, no spiritual bullshit. All I saw was 2 parents act like idiots their whole lives. Making people believe I am chemically imbalanced is just another way of diverting from the real problem which is cause and effect i.e.

Beating a kid makes them a violent adult.
Irrational parenting leads to irrational children.
Kids just mimic their parents. If I see my parent at an early age act crazy with other adults I percieve that as "normal"

It's a hard reputation to live with. No matter where I get a job, no matter how much money I will ever make, at home the core of my social group, my family still wants to hold onto the notion that i'm nuts because it's a lot easier to explain than thier brother/child/sister/cousin abuse and lack of basic parental skills.

And it affects me. It makes me wonder why should I even bother to get out of bed in the morning. Even when I was making 86k@year it affected me. I lack confidence in myself because of it and it's something that won't change.

Why should I have to accept that my family want's to consider me nuts to keep skeletons in the closet?

I hate this cylindrical thought process. I go back and I really, really look hard on myself. Some of the shit I see in myself makes me hate myself that much more.

I am to weak to change the things I can, I refuse to accept the things I can't and i'm too dumb to know the difference. How's that for an answer?

Well time to sit in a corner and think about what THEY did. Thanks mom and dad you assholes.