The Horror Of British Telecom 651
MBCook writes "'Someone, raised amidst the elegant lattice of custom and tradition that serves as the foundation of English society, came up with a very elegant, very British, solution to broadband policy here.
And it absolutely, positively sucks.' So starts an article by Mark Hachman over at ExtremeTech chronicling his odyssey to get broadband in his new flat."
Alternatives... (Score:3, Funny)
Not news (Score:4, Funny)
"Damn and blast British Telecom" exclaimed Dirk, the words coming easily from force of habit.
Learn some f***ing geography (Score:4, Funny)
England is a subset of UK
UK = Wales, Scotland, England and Northern Ireland
Each country has it's own race [bbc.co.uk]. Calling the UK "England" is both offensive and ignorant.
Please learn some geography and manners.
Thank you.
NTL *ARE* worse (Score:5, Funny)
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year.
A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care; it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and
Article text in case of slashdotting (Score:4, Funny)
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moan bitch moan moan moan Whine whine whine bitch
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bitch bitch bitch Whine whine whine bitch bitch
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whine whine moan bitch god I had the brits moan
moan bitch whine moan bitch those bloody brits
moan bitch whine
And then I had to actually call up and ask about the line! The nerve of it...
whine moan bitch moan bitch whine whine moan bitch
Re:Learn some f***ing geography (Score:2, Funny)
Dirk Gently's holistic... telephone (Score:3, Funny)
But you have to admit that they only charge local rates for calls to Bermuda from London, even back through time to the beginning of life on earth (which is either a few million or exactly 6000 years). What other company can promise good reception while using a time machine.
Here's another nice one: Use BS&S and DieRe:Learn some f***ing geography (Score:1, Funny)
Re:Poor article (Score:3, Funny)
Think that's bad? Try NTL. (Score:4, Funny)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testi*les for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of serv
Re:Learn some f***ing geography (Score:3, Funny)
What, you want us to go back to being The United States of Arkansas?
-Adam
Re:What's taking so long? (Score:3, Funny)
Re:NTL *ARE* worse (Score:3, Funny)
Yes. If you ever visit Europe, be sure to ask the first friendly policeman on the street if he is a bollock juggler, or can teach you to juggle yours.
Re:Let's review... (Score:4, Funny)
After 2 weeks and 3 visits, my dad phoned BT. They told him that they had no record of the problem and that it must be the first time he was reporting it, therefore they could not help him. Two phone calls later, one member of the call centre actually bothered to run a search instead of just reading the first screen that appeared. Found the problem, confirmed that it was not fixed. Did nothing else.
It's still not fixed. They're sending an engineer round to 'try and find the fault' (again). My dad has refused to pay for the past quarter's line rental and has queried Citizen's Advice for possible solutions.
Re:Learn some f***ing geography (Score:1, Funny)
Please learn some mathematical terminlogy.
Thank you.
Re:Learn some f***ing geography (Score:3, Funny)
(Moderation guidance: this is a very funny joke in Welsh
Re:NTL *ARE* worse (Score:3, Funny)
Re:The Psychology of Attracting BT Engineers (Score:4, Funny)
I was, of course, aware of the magnetic attraction that sugar, salt and grease hold for the British technician. I didn't realize, though, that you could ask the call center to annotate the request.
I will try your suggestion. Soon engineer requests will look like this:
#1357726 Line from local p.c. suspected broken. BACON SANDWICHES AVAILABLE. WE PROVIDE TEA!! DON'T DO 26 Elm Gardens first! He is crotchety! Also, we guarantee that if you come before 8:30 our daughter will answer the door (subject to availability).
Re:What's taking so long? (Score:3, Funny)
last month my totals were 40.9gb down 33.9gb up. This was mostly comprised of pr0n, feature films, tv shows and warez. It should also be noted that i can barely afford my rent and do not have a TV.
I know in your world downloaders are high class money laden captains of industry who while not sitting in their yacths in tahiti, usually can be found flying between cities in their private jets. However, it might actually be the case that im one of those rare people not in the millionaires club who can find an hour or 2 a day to spend on my computer.