Please Don't Ask Me About Windows On Christmas 559
Like many Slashdot users I spend a wee bit of my otherwise leisure
time doing gratis tech support for people I may not even know. I usually don't
mind too much but last Christmas I got more than one call from distant
relatives that, along with wanting to spread holiday cheer, had me weigh in on
whatever might be wrong with their new gadget. I was pleased as punch to see this
article in the NYT (F.R.Y.Y.Y) about
where I might be able to send the less techo hip. If you do *Windows* tech
support for grandma after hours this article might also come in handy." Here are a couple of previous articles about the sorry state of conventional support options -- perhaps articles like this will spark some entrepreneurial ideas, too.
Windows tech (Score:4, Funny)
dd if=/dev/zero of=/dev/hda bs=512
There now, that should fix it....
Ah yes... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Ah yes... (Score:2, Funny)
who needs a windows tech? i got google! (Score:5, Funny)
My response: (Score:3, Funny)
Give em a boxed linux distro as a xmas present (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Ah yes... (Score:5, Funny)
Here's the trick (Score:4, Funny)
Never let anyone know your job/schooling involves tweaking computers.
Example:
Hot Blonde at Campus Bar : So what's your major?
You : Computer Science
Hot Blonde at Campus Bar : Ooh, can I get some help from you later? Here's my roommate's friend's number. They'll know how to get in touch with me.
You : Cool!
Later On, after spending 20 hours on some shitty HTML assignment for her:
Hot Blonde previously at Campus Bar : Get the fuck out of the Computer Lab, loser.
Wrong!
Let's try again.
Hot Blonde at Campus Bar : So what's your major?
You : Art History
Hot Blonde at Campus Bar : My daddy bought me a cool Rembrandt painting for my 16th birthday. Well that, and the bimmer. Want to come up to my room and see it?
Correct.
This can be rough if the only people you know are coworkers and people in your Degree Major, but if you're that kind of person, you're fucked anyways.
I had to learn this the hard way, being in Computer Science in a previous life. Although my answer to the problem was to change majors ; instead, I am a Liberal Arts Major. And *wink wink* my previous major was Mathematics.
Isn't the answer obvious? (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Give em a boxed linux distro as a xmas present (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Ah yes... (Score:3, Funny)
Hey... (Score:1, Funny)
And, it's not even Thanksgiving yet... sheesh.
My answer (Score:4, Funny)
What manual? (Score:5, Funny)
I remember my wife's friend having a long conversation with Dell wanting to know why her new box didn't come with any printed manuals. Of course, Macs come with 4-page instructions that look like those graphic pamphlets on airplanes explaining wordlessly how to use a western-style toilet.
And when you have a manual, an upgrade obsoletes it. I've very glad to see them gone, but sympathize with novices missing them. I guess I would suggest going to the bookstore to get one of those cheery tip and how-to books -- some are pretty good by now. (e.g., Laporte's "TechTV Leo Laporte's 2003 Technology Almanac"? looked interesting in the bookstore)
Actuallu -- any good all-purpose book suggestions out there?
Christmas! (Score:2, Funny)
One of the things I look forward to about the festive season is that Christmas Tree icon.
Two things, therefore, that I'd be pretty pleased to find in my stocking on the 25th would be a) a copy of the software used to make the christmas tree and b) a big 1600x1200 desktop wallpaper-size copy of the image.
In keeping with the Christams spirit, I'll say... "Mode me down and I will... not send you a card!" :P
Re:who needs a windows tech? i got google! (Score:2, Funny)
The common dilemma... (Score:5, Funny)
"Uncle Frank gave me his old PC with a 50 Mhz Pentium Processor, 4 meg RAM, ISA video card, and monochrome display. How can I get The Sims on here? I think we have like 900k free on the A drive..."
Re:PC Support (Score:5, Funny)
Well now that depends, if I fix his computer for free;
uh, yah.
(see, it is called exchange of labor.
F.R.Y.Y.Y. (Score:2, Funny)
SHHH!!! (Score:5, Funny)
Please, if you care about the IT support business; if you like spending every spare minute earning cash; or if you just want to see other peoples' systems crash and burn, JUST SAY WINDOWS!!
And if you can get people to install those freaking HP print managers and logitech mouseman drivers, hey! More business for me
But you're a programmer! (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Ah yes... (Score:1, Funny)
Buy one of those handy t-shirts that read, "No, I will not fix your computer." Wear this shirt daily for best results.
KNowing how silly people are, I'm sure that would just cause them to look at my shirt and say: "Hey, funny shirt. I guess you know a lot about computers? Can you help me with my new Apple PodBook? The Windows XP on it isn't working right."
Re:Ah yes... (Score:2, Funny)
Re:I tell people to call Microsoft (Score:4, Funny)
I have a friend who works at Best Buy in the 'tech' department. They have like a computer tune-up service for about 100$. I asked him what they do and it was pretty simple; defrag/scandisk and wipe out every piece of spywear on the computer/multiple installed programs, etc, etc. He said they never notice and 9 times out of 10 they say their computer runs so much faster. Heh, that's what I've started to do. Just wipe the darn thing as clean as you can make it - chances are they will never notice and, if they do, pull a BOFH and just make an excuse "your IDE hard drive driver was conflicting with your network interface card so I had to delete Bonzai Buddy. Just trust me"
Argh. I also just started billing people, makes my life so much easier.
FRYYY (Score:2, Funny)
Re:Great idea (Score:3, Funny)
There's always exceptions however. My Aunt wanted to buy a computer, and could get a decent deal on a 2nd hand Mac. Her daughter uses a mac, her brother uses a mac, one of her sons uses a mac, her niece (me) uses several macs, her best friend has 2 iBooks and her neighbour is one of the local Mac service centre techs. We all advised her on which Mac to get, and how to expand it, as she'd never used a computer before and wanted to get into the graphical side of it.
So she goes and buys a PC because the neighbour on the other side said Macs suck. Now she's stuck with no support, apart from the quite overpriced local PC dealership she bought the PC from. I stopped helping her when she asked "Why do you all own such incompatible computers?".
Re:Upgraded to Linux (Score:1, Funny)
It is BOTH, otherwise they would use windows, which is the downgrade
You follow the idea
Good boy, Sit now.
Re:Here's the trick (Score:5, Funny)
How ironic. Now that you can get hot chicks, you won't be able to afford them.
Alan
well, what distro are you using? (Score:2, Funny)
okay, what is the problem.
well, the computer is doing _______________.
okay, what distribution are you using? mandrake, debian, redhat?
um, i don't know, it's a PC
okay, down in the bottom right hand corner, there is either a K, or a foot.
no, it says start
(hmmm..., must be icewm)okay, press start, then click terminals, click aterm, then type uname -a and hit return
um, there's no terminals option.
okay, you see pretty fields inthe background?
yes
good, makes you feel relaxed and comfortable, right?
yes
good, it's supposed to. go to slashdot. see my sig.
what's a sig?
A 16 year old's christmas (Score:5, Funny)
You see, christmas ia no longer a joy for the teenager. Not only must the awkward youth spend time with family and endure endless comments about (lack of) boyfriends, (lack of) taste in clothes and finaly, (lack of) social life. We must now deal with the mind boggling queries of the adults about their new toys.
Grandma got a new version of Windows. Joy. Although I am not a windows users and must give support *over the phone*, not able to play around and discover the problem, I am expected to be able to fix her installation woes, and quickly.
Of course, I must also make AOL work in an efficent manner. I would comment that I am not Jesus Christ, but that kind of heathenism isn't allowed at the dinner table.
Let's not get into the time I was asked to install an older version of Windows (95) over a newer version (ME) without distroying any of the information on the computer. (i.e., without formating.) When I asked why, I was told that Grandpa's Outlook Express wasn't printing files properly. My hand became firmly stapled to my forehead.
*sigh* And they say my angst is unjustified.
Comment removed (Score:3, Funny)
Re:I tell people to call Microsoft (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Ah yes... (Score:3, Funny)
Right. And don't wash it. Then they won't want your help.
and they htink you are having fun (Score:2, Funny)
Ha!
Re:who needs a windows tech? i got google! (Score:3, Funny)
I always find it amusing when the answer to your question is in the Microsoft Knowledge Base, but Microsoft's search engine doesn't seem to find it. Hint: add "site:support.microsoft.com" to the end of your query. For example, to see Microsoft's definition of quality:
well-designed web page site:support.microsoft.com [google.com]
Q218155:
My Mom (Score:3, Funny)
Triv
The Game of Christmas (Score:5, Funny)
The Game of Christmas is a game for any number of players, but must include at least three who would much rather be watching The Guns of Navarone and two who would prefer a nice walk, after all "It's only a bit of drizzle and we could all do with some fresh air."
Contents
One poorly decorated sitting-room; one television set; one remote control (confiscated); one complete boxed set of "Grievances", including Huffs, Chips, Grudges, Injuries and Insults; a disgruntlement of relations.
Preparations
Preparations may begin on Boxing Day of the previous year ("Never again"), but must begin no later than August or early September. Players should allow three months to manoeuvre into one of the four correct starting positions. These are:
i) The Stand-off Position: "But we came to you last year: it's your turn to come to us."
ii) The Feet-up Position: "Of course we'd love to have you; it's just that we're a shorter drive from you than you are from us."
iii) The Hands-off Position: "Actually, we were thinking of going abroad this year. No, it's not that we didn't enjoy it last year".
iv) The Hands-up Position: "Would you mind if we also brought her sister from Wales? The one with bulimia? You see, she's terribly depressed at the moment."
Playing the Guilt card
Early playing of the Guilt card, followed by the Huff, is essential. Any change to the Christmas schedule beyond mid-October may be opposed by the Home Captain by accompanying the Guilt Card with the exasperated sigh: "I suppose we'll have to make do, though as usual it's very last minute."
Objective
To cause the maximum number of players to depart the room slamming the door before close of play. Each exit must be accompanied by the question: "Was it something I said?" To which the players left in the game must reply: "So what do you think?"
How to play
Each player of Christmas must invade another player's space by asking a series of Personal Questions. These are drawn from one of five categories:
i) History: eg, "Was it in 1978 or 1979 that you forgot my birthday? No, it doesn't matter. I've forgotten all about it. It's just that I don't suppose I'll ever really get over it."
ii) Sport: eg, "Who told your children they could play French cricket in the kitchen?"
iii) Hobbies and Interests: eg, "But what makes you think I didn't like the shoeshine kit you gave me the year before last?"
iv) Guess the Weight: eg, "Is it just me or have you put on weight?"
v) Politics: eg, "How can you possibly say that when it comes to third-world debt they've only got themselves to blame? I can't believe I'm hearing this!"
If the answer is either incorrect or unrepeatable, the Chip then passes to the original player, who now holds an all-important Grudge.
Remember
If one of your ploys is sunk, you may add Insult to Injury to form a complete set of Grievances.
How to start
Players from the ages 8 to 80 sit around the table staring at one another. Players aged seven and under proceed to screech at one another either a) "Give it", or b) "But I had it first". Players aged 81 and over must now raise their eyebrows and mumble either: a) "In my day we were perfectly happy to make do with a cardboard box and a bit of string", or b) "They've lost all sense of respect".
First move
The Home Captain makes the first move by reading the following instructions in monotone: "The score is doubled when the square landed on is either less than the total number indicated by the spaces moved by the previous player or the route taken by the green player is indicated by the square landed on by the player with the highest score at the beginning of the round, but only if the sum of the aggregate is the same as or less than the score of all the remaining pieces combined (a challenge may not be called unless the challenger is at right angles to the player with the lowest number of cards)."
Second move
The second player then looks vexed and replies: "I'm sorry, but that's not how we've always played." Subsequent disputes about the rules then continue in a clockwise direction until that point when one or more players insist that the original rulebook states that the correct direction for disputes is anti-clockwise.
The role of non-players
At least once every five minutes each non-player must call out either, "But The Guns of Navarone is about to start", or, "If we don't go for that walk, it'll be dark in half an hour". Non-players over the age of 81 are allowed to repeat, "It's a time for the kiddies" over and over again. Extra points may be gained by leaning over a player's shoulder for three minutes and breathing noisily before exclaiming: "You shouldn't have done that!"
Scoring
The winner is the first player to find himself in a deserted room. On hearing one or more of the following sounds drifting through the slammed door, the winner may add these points to his total:
i) Mutual recrimination (one point).
ii) Indiscriminate sobbing (two).
iii) Tyres screeching (four).
An extra five points are awarded for each melted strawberry creme discovered beneath a cushion.
Warning
The game of Christmas should be played no more than once a year.
egg
Re:Ah yes... (Score:3, Funny)
My favorite story was my inevitable phone call at about 11pm night before my CS460 final. I was cramming for it, as usual, and wasn't even halfway done. I got a call from a guy about 35 miles away who demanded that I come get a CD out of a drive that his son had removed from his computer. Here's the conversation :
me : Sorry, not tonight. After my final in the morning.
him : You just HAVE to. It's not my CD, and it needs to go back in the morning to work.
me : Not tonight, really. I can explain how over the phone, but I don't have the 1.5 hours to come do it. I have to study.
him : You HAVE to. I'll pay ANYthing. I'm desperate!
me : Really. I have to study. You couldn't afford it. I'll just explain it...
him : I'll give you $300 cash. It's all I have in my wallet. I wasn't supposed to bring this CD home!!
me : Be there in 20 minutes. Have the drive ready.
So, I got there, he handed me the cash and the drive at his door, I asked him for a paperclip, took out the CD with the release hole, handed him the CD, the bent paperclip, and the drive.
I got a B on the test.
Re:Great idea (Score:3, Funny)
A student in my high school, maybe 16, went to Germany for several weeks as part of a student exchange (I later did the same). When he was telling an assembly about his experiences, he said an odd-looking man had once approach him and announced "Ich liebe dich!" (I love you.) He knew what this meant but said huh? and the guy repeated it. He said, "Sorry, I only speak English." The guy looked at him and said, "I love you!"
Proving that love is the international language.
"Fixing" Windows Machines... (Score:3, Funny)
Heck, I LOVE fixing my friends' Windows machines -- that's why I carry a burn of Mandrake v8.2 with me at all times.
"Hey, Greg? What's the deal with the penguin?"
That's about the only damn way to fix 'em anyways.