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Journal bubblegoose's Journal: Advice needed on daughter/gf stuff 20

Journal by bubblegoose

So things are going pretty well with the gf and me. The gf took Emily out to a farmer's market last Saturday and then some other shopping. Saturday Emily called the gf "mommy". She also did it last night.

Now what approach do I take with this? Here are some factors to affect this:

She is 3 years old, she knows that kids have a mommy and a daddy, but the ex- and I have been seperated for the last 1.5 yrs.

The real mom has her about 30% of the time and it just seems like when I get her she is lacking in attention from her mom.

The gf is very good with her, they seem to get along great.

I don't want to get Em's hopes up too much. While things are going great with the gf, marriage isn't even a consideration at the present time.

Th gf and I have been keeping it low key around Em. Em hasn't even seen us hug.

I don't want to say "No, she isn't your mommy" what if things work out with the gf. I don't want to say "You already have a mommy", because in my opinion the real mommy doesn't do that great a job.

Anybody have experience with this, either from the point of view of being a stepchild, or an adult in my situation? Or just some good insight?

Picked up a great book, "Joint Custody With A Jerk". Totally suits as yesterday I just went off on the ex-. She yelled at me when we were trying to work out the holiday schedule. You see this year my Birthday falls on Easter. I was just talking, I hadn't raised my voice...until that point. Then I just plain lost it with her, I let out a string of obsenities on her. I love not having to take her crap.

How much April Fool's do you think the "editors" will ram down our throats again this year?

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Advice needed on daughter/gf stuff More

Advice needed on daughter/gf stuff

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  • Comment removed based on user account deletion
    • Yeah -- my MIL's step-grandkids (she has a *bunch* -- her husband has something like 7 kids) call her "GrandMary." It works.

      ....Bethanie....
    • I'm kind of uncomfortable with it, this gf is awesome, but who knows where it will lead. I just want to make sure that I'm not overreacting to the whole deal. I just have to figure out how to handle the moment when we have her shift names.

      Johndiii has some pretty insightful stuff, I guess I'll have to find out why Emily is calling her mommy.
  • Ask her what she thinks. If she's calling the GF "mommy", then there is a reason for it. She may understand more than you think that she does. Kids will often surprise you in that way.

    I'd say, at this point, that she has not done anything inappropriate. It may be that she feels neglected by the ex, and is looking for some real mommy time (she may perceive that more strongly than you do). Or, she thinks of any adult woman hanging out with Daddy as a Mommy-figure. You should also talk to her about
    • Just to amplify a bit, based on what Sam said. Once you've talked to her, then you have to decide how to handle it. If she asks if it's OK to call the GF "mommy", then you have to answer honestly (which, in this situation, is likely pretty much what Sam said). Depending on what Emily is actually thinking, though, it may not even be an issue.

      This could also be an indication that she's having problems with her mom, though, and you may need to help her with those. A three-year-old will react in a way t
      • I hadn't even thought about it that way. Emily comes and goes with maturity level, sometimes she surprises me how grown up she can be and sometimes she can still be a baby.

        I guess a walk and talk down to the park is in order for this weekend.
        • Gosh, I hate to contradict johndii -- he's an awesome parent, and I deeply admire him. But I *really* don't think that so much should be read into the whole "mommy" thing with Em.

          Sure, it would be really nice to find yet *another* flaw in your ex's mothering that has resulted in some (reparable, of course, given plenty of time away from her!) psychological damage, but I *really* don't think that's the case.

          I find that Kiddo has a blast playing around with labels that she knows are inaccurate -- calling
    • Comment removed based on user account deletion
  • Note: I wrote this before anyone else posted, but Slashdot was hosed for a while so I went to put Kiddo to bed; having read Sam's post, I think it's interesting that we came up with pretty much the same suggestion.

    I can't relate to your situation (re: the separation), except to tell you that around the same age, Kiddo was referring to ALL adults as "Mommies" or "Daddies" or "Grannies." I think she is probably quite aware that your GF is not *her* Mommy, but since that's the frame of reference she has for
    • I'm not supposed to be posting or reading today...

      Very common for kids to call any male adult daddy, any female adult mommy. Ask any school teacher how many times they've been called one or the other. (Of course, in our fubar'ed society, kids spend more time with the teacher than with parents).
    • Well thanks for that. My biggest concern in this stuff is how do I do right by Emily. I feel guilty in a way about Emily not having the normal family situation like I grew up in. I know that is wrong to put that on myself. I didn't cause the breakup, the ex- being a freak caused the breakup. One of my big concerns is how the mother is handling her own relationships.

      OK, so I'll vent this one on slashdot. Here is a snippit of my Livejournal account that I keep. I keep the Livejournal stuff hopefully to use l
  • I wouldn't raise a big fuss with her and tell her not to call the GF mommy neccessarily. If you have another name the daughter should use to refer to the GF, then make sure your daughter hears you call her that frequently. If neccessary, correct her when she says the wrong thing. For example, generally speaking, my wife and I have our children refer to adults as Mr., Ms. or Mrs. (or people from church as Bro. or Sis.) lastname.
  • How does your gf feel about it? Is she uncomfortable? I think that if you could swing it, a really cool way to deal with it would be for your gf to talk to Emily. It would be less of a 'BIG THING' for her to just talk to Emily about what her name is, and what she likes to be called. This way there is no hint of authoritarian command about the whole thing. And also, if you start calling gf whatever alternative name you want Emily to use, it will cement everything too...

    How did you introduce gf to Emil
    • The gf is a little uncomfortable, mainly for Emily's sake. She doesn't want to get a her too attached to her if things don't work out between the gf and me.

      She was introduced to her as my friend, and then her first name.
  • Sorry, I saw daughter/gf and thought it was some April fools joke!

    Well, I've not been a step child or the parent, but I've been where your gf is. Remember The Psycho had a 6 year old daughter who started calling me daddy. We never corrected or encouraged it. After Psycho showed her true colors, I have never been allowed to speak to her or her daughter again. It was really hard on me and I imagine the girl too.

  • It sounds like you're in a pretty difficult situation, truth to tell, and it's one that's pretty hard to give meaningful advice for. All I can offer are some thoughts and some of my experiences, and let you figure out if any of it applies.
    A quick bit of background - I'm divorced as well, though fortunately in my case my ex-wife isn't too crazy. I've got three children, all older than your daughter.
    I once was in a relationship with a woman who had two children, and she'd been cycling through men (me included
    • Thank you for the insight.

      I gave it a lot of thought before introducing the two. I really feel like I HAVE to be the one who provides stability and good values for my daughter, because the mom won't do it.
  • Just let it come naturally. I once dated a pregnant girl and we talked about if we stayed together [pretty cool relationship] would we let the baby know if I was/was not the father. It's kind of a tough call... at the time I said either tell the kid right off or never, ever, ever let the kid know [I have issues, adopted] that I was not the dad. Now I would say let the kid get used to a SO and let them make up his/her mind about how he/she wants to deal with the secondary parental type unit, they're kinda co

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