Become a fan of Slashdot on Facebook

 


Forgot your password?
Close
typodupeerror
×
It's funny. Laugh.

Journal Surak's Journal: COSMO POLL: The LJBF Move: 47

Journal by Surak

This isn't a Cosmopolitan poll, but it should be. ;)

You copped an LJBF ("Let's just be friends") move. What you really mean is:
1) I'm not attracted to you or I don't see any relationship possibilities --
        ever and I'm offering this as a 'consolation prize' because I don't want
        to hurt your feelings.
2) We're not dating now, but I expect you to hold on with romantic longing...
        a) to boost my ego (for whatever reason)
        b) because I want to go date other men, but I want someone to fall
                      back on if it doesn't work out.
        c) while I figure out what I really want (and NONE OF THE OTHER ANSWERS APPLY -- be honest)
3) I hate you and I'm sadisitic enough to want to keep you around long
          enough with no fear of actually having sex while I describe to you in
          intimate detail all the other men I'm dating.
4) Other

This discussion has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

COSMO POLL: The LJBF Move: More

COSMO POLL: The LJBF Move:

Comments Filter:

  • 2a) (Score:1)

    by dthable ( 163749 )
    I've never used the LJBF line but have heard it enough.

    In my observations, it appears as if people are afraid that if they don't find someone before 25, then there is no hope of ever finding or starting a relationship. We're living longer so why the rush to find the perfect mate so young.

    I think a lot of times the LJBF line is intended to keep you around until she/he is sure that there are no other possibilities. Why do that to yourself? If you're not good enough the first time, why are you good enough th
    • In my observations, it appears as if people are afraid that if they don't find someone before 25, then there is no hope of ever finding or starting a relationship.

      Dang! I've only got a few months left or else I turn into an old maid! Errrrr, I mean old fart for life!

      robi
  • LJBF is the "No", with the hint of possibilities in the future, but no express promise of one. As such, One can blur the line of friendship and take more than they give, because this guy will put up with it.

    I have a strict policy of not accepting the LJBF (It also helps that I am married. ;) The response is "I'm sorry, but I don't think we can ever be 'just friends.' The way I feel for you is so strong that it goes beyond friendship *(add in some smooth talk about how awesome I am and how much I care),
  • ...I tend to say exactly what I mean.

    :-)

    • No, you're a guy, so your answer is 1). Any of the cliche rejection lines almost always mean "I'm not attracted to you." when coming from the mouth of a guy to a girl.

      The question is more intended for females, or guys who are answering for the female side. :)

  • In past experiences with being on the receiving end of an LJBF, I think it is usually 2b. they like you, but think they might be able to do better so they want to keep shopping around. Maybe their idealized romantic needs aren't being met, but they are comfortable with you. You end up being the fallback when the next relationship doesn't work, but then its off to somebody else.

    In a friend of mine's case... it is definately a case of option 3. He talks to this girl who has a boyfriend, but she tells him
  • Comment removed based on user account deletion
  • Being a guy, and married, I haven't heard this recently. But I'd say that 2c is what they're saying in most cases. Occasionally 2b, but I would guess that most women don't think that way. I could be wrong, though, since I only understand a little of how my wife and daughters think. It's possible that she just doesn't want to think beyond the friend stage at this point (that would be "4) Other"), or sees too much uncertainty beyond that. Do you want to be her friend? (note that I did not say "just her f
    • Yeah. This is a vent of my frustration, cleverly disguised as poll. ;)

      The REAL question becomes, should I actually DO #2 (romantic longing), and hope the situation changes, or should I have enough self-respect to realize that being "just friends" is a two-way street: you both have to willing to be friends, and to not want more. Anything less is disrespectful to both parties. There's an interesting article [about.com] on the subject over at About.com [about.com].

      • or should I have enough self-respect to realize that being "just friends" is a two-way street: you both have to willing to be friends, and to not want more.

        I've never quite understood this belief among both men and women. It seems like everyone classifies people they know into two categories: friends and people they are romantically interested in. I know of a great many people whose relationships started out as a good friendship and blossomed into more. See my post below for more info :-)

      • IME, You're in or you're out. If you're out, maybe one day you *may* be friends. However, it isn't an acceptable consolation prize. IF you hang around, you will undoubtedly do #2, It will be in vain, you will be unhappy about it, and MAY be taken advantage of (or not). Under no circumstances do you move her apartment for her! ;->

        Then again, I'm not the go to guy for "relationships that work"...
  • I don't have friends, I have comrades, you insensitive clod! This message brought to you by "In Soviet Russia"

    Really though, it could mean "Let's just be friends" - meaning I want to hang out with you and have fun, but I never want to be romantically involved. However, if this is in relation to the last bit of relationshipness (quote 2) My feelings are reciprocated (I think so anyway, will know more in three days) in your journal [slashdot.org], when she made it clear that she was interested in you romantically, and now
    • In Soviet Russia, friends just want to be YOU! ;)

      Yeah, I'm actually thinking the same damn thing, myself. *sigh* I'm not sure that I want to sit there and hold out with romantic longing while she makes up her mind or tries her other options. I've been there, done that, and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt. ;) It almost always leads nowhere.

      • It almost always leads nowhere.

        It also seems that the fact that she's holding back right now is a bit of a shaky foundation for a long-term deep relationship. I knew a girl in college that I totally fell for, but she was a cocaine (user|addict) (Claimed it was just for fun, but that's sort of like smoking cigerettes for style - in the end, you're still an addict). She wouldn't even try to stop, so I broke it off and moved on. Then, a couple years later, I started dating my wife, who I had been friends wit
        • Bottom line -- yeah, that's what I think I'm going to do.

          I'm going to tell her that I'm NOT going to be waiting around longingly for her and I'm going to move on. I don't have a problem being friends, but I'm not going to be waiting around while she makes her mind. She takes the chance that I find someone else before she can get back to me.

          This will result in one of two possible outcomes:

          either A) I will meet someone else, maybe someone better and things will turn out great, or B) it's gonna drive her
          • Makes complete sense to me! I hope that it all turns out well for you, no matter what her reaction is.
          • Ok, this comment is your most troubling by far. For example:

            I'm going to tell her that I'm NOT going to be waiting around longingly for her and I'm going to move on.

            What has happened that makes you feel like you need to discuss this any further with her? Obviously, if she has told you LJBF, then she already intended for that outcome. If you even bother to bring it up with her, you are belaboring the point. That is unattractive, painful, pointless, and unlikely to help you attain the correct frame of min
            • What has happened that makes you feel like you need to discuss this any further with her? Obviously, if she has told you LJBF, then she already intended for that outcome.

              I'm not so sure. In my experience, this is what I've found to be true: it's usually 2b or 2a and not 1. I've been there to be the fallback guy, so I know what I'm talking about here. Interestingly enough, I've done this more than once. I was a once the fallback guy for a married woman as well. She was seeing this other guy and if it
              • Man, if you're just going to continue to ignore me...

                You were the fallback guy because she wasn't attracted to you enough. If she was sufficiently attracted to you, some other asshole would have been the fallback guy.

                Even when it's 2.x, it's 1. No, you should not show it through your actions. If she's said LJBF, you've already shown it. If she's hit you with some idiotic plan, you might still have a shot (depending on the idiotic plan), but I doubt it.

                Turn around and walk away. Sweet Jesus, what are you

                • Do you remember you're own quote Surak?

                  • Logic? I think logic has gone out the window. ;)

                    • I agree with Elwood.

                  Like I said before...

                  • Where does it end, or does it?

                  Further more, are you begging for misery or is it that company just loves it? Or maybe this is just an attempt at keeping your journal hopping! *shruggs* I'm not sure anymore. You seem to have an answer for just about everything! I would really like to see your answer to Elwood's question:

                  • Sweet Jesus, what are you getting out of this?

                  I

                • What am I getting out of this?

                  Take a look at *everyone's* messages, which I thank everyone for.

                  I'm getting a lot of different advice, and I've taken it all to heart.

                  Ultimately, I'm going to make up my own mind, based on my own experience and my own judgement.

                  You've actually been a great help. You've helped me to decide whether or not she was playing games and I have independently come to the conclusion that she's not.

                  Other threads have given me advice that makes the most sense, SolemnDragon and MC Ham
                  • Turn around and walk away. Sweet Jesus, what are you getting out of this?

                    Excuse me for butting in, but I believe Elwood meant "what are you getting out of this new defined relationship with 'maybe girl'?" . Why are you sticking around with 'maybe girl'?

                    I know it's not this simple :), but maybe she said: if you stay my friend, I'll give you 14 meeelion dollars. Or maybe sex. Or maybe hand-holding. Or maybe you expect her defenses to occasionally come down? You gotta be getting something, or you wo
  • It's 1), and you don't even know it?

    Obviously, guys always mean 1). However, when a girl says LJBF due to 2.x, it's also because she's not attracted to you enough to override her issue. So, it's still 1).

    More to the point, it doesn't matter. YOU BLATANTLY DISREGARDED MY "COOLING OFF PERIOD." If you made a move that she could say LJBF to, then you were begging for this setback. Really, when I said "cooling off period", I meant: "Ignore the girl for a while. Do jumping jacks."

    And here you are. Now is your
    • Yes, yes, I know...I know... I FAIL IT. I fail it. I didn't blatantly disregard, no, but I wasn't very successful at ignoring her either.

      What can I say? I'm a typical Slashdork -- very, very inept at relationships. ;)

    • If you succeed fully at moving on, this will make you more attractive to her, and (more importantly!) to other women.

      I beg to differ slightly, "and more importantly to yourself". One shouldn't tie one's self image to other's perceptions of them.[1] Ties you in knots, you give up all control, and you find yourself doing stupid things.


      [1]Not saying that other's viewpoints might not be interesting data points, just not THE point.

  • My wife used that line a long time ago... :-)

    Seriously though, my wife never said that outright, but we were friends for 6 months before we dated. We became really close friends before dating, and I think it has made for a fantastic marriage.

    I think most women though mean 2a. Guys mean 1.

  • Here are some of the possibilities I've dealt with (not always personally):
    1. She was attracted to you, but now she is more attracted to somebody else.
    2. She doesn't want to deal with romance right now. Something else in her life is more important, or too stressful.
    3. She lost her attraction for you. This could be temporary, or permanent.
    4. She thinks you are too handsy.
    5. She thinks you aren't handsy enough.

    Regardless, I've seen all 4 possibilities:

    1. She ends up with you anyways, even marriage.
    • Replace she with he where appropriate. Any of the above could happen. You can influence the result.

      How?
      • perfect [slashdot.org].

        That is the best thing for you to do. It is the logical choice. But. But, will you will be able to handle it?

        If you go to the theater with her, and she casually (perhaps accidentally) brushes her foot against your leg several times. How will you behave? Will you hold your leg exactly in place and hope she touches it again? Or will you move your leg? Or will you put your arm around her shoulder?

        My point is, you are going to have an extremely difficult time "reading her". If she conti
  • So wtf is going on here. I mean . . . I am me . . . and you are you, but why are things happening in parallel to both of us at the same time?

    I think there is some scifi influence some how crossing our lives.

    Pretty freaky actually.

    robi
  • Is this person already a friend who wanted something else, or someone who you just met?
    • This person is already a friend who wanted something else, it started to become something else and NOW she's pulling the LJBF.

      • This person is already a friend who wanted something else, it started to become something else and NOW she's pulling the LJBF.

        Well, to give her the benefit of the doubt, she might really want to go back to the way things were. Some people can be great friends but would make a lousy couple. Maybe she just realized that. It's a big risk, trying to shift the basis of an established relationship, there's usually no clean way out.
  • When I said that to him, I meant: You're awesome, and i'm really glad that i know you. I value your friendship so much that I want to keep it. I'm attracted to you but don't feel as though we're a compatible match, particularly since my expectations of a romantic relationship (i'm at the high end of the maintenance scale, but i've been told that my honesty redeems me) are so different from yours. I don't plan on making any moves on you, but if when we're a year from now, ten, thirty, who knows how many, and
    • On the other hand, the current sweetheart is someone who was my friend for a couple of years now, in spite of an initial attraction on his part that didn't get followed up on. I said LJBF and i meant it, so we were. I was too messed up to know whether i was attracted, and i knew it. I needed time and no pressure of knowing he's languishing away waiting for me to come around.
      [snip]
      What i needed was a friend until i was ready to open up again- and i know that it doesn't always happen (can you handle the he
  • Would this have anything do do with your last poll [slashdot.org]?

    Inquiring minds want to know...
    • Of course. This was a venting of frustration cleverly disguised as a poll.

      My life is a soap opera. Either that or a Fox sitcom. (If you're reading this, DAMN YOU, NIKKI! for sticking that in my head ;) ) Six of one/half dozen of the other. That's why I chose the theme for my journal that I did. :)

      (NOTE: Nikki is NOT the aforementioned girl, but a friend of mine whom I respsect and trust who often randomly sticks thoughts in my head for no apparent reason than she is as scatter-brained as I am ;)
    • Then I guess that you now have your answer from your previous poll... (or maybe not).

      For the record, I can believe that you can have good reasons for LJBF. The biggest one is that you got screwed by someone who is now an ex and you're still dealing with that, so you don't want to add another relationship on top of it. Personally, I didn't work that way (married now), but I had some great relationships that started out as LJBF for good reasons. You didn't stay "JF".

      I've also had some LJBF that were lam
  • I've had 1, 2c, and 3... so what they mean is usually up in the air. Don't even try to understand women - you'll just pop blood vessels. :-p
  • Hey there. Better late than never.

    Remember when I told you to go for it, man? Well, you did. And you got rejected. The answer is 2a or b, but in any case, it's basically just telling you that the feelings aren't as reciprocated as you thought/hoped they were. And I know you don't really want to deal with someone who wants you as much as they want you.

    So congrats, big man. You gave it a chance. Now move on and seek your destiny!!

    ....Bethanie....
    • Well, we had a 'relationship' that lasted about a week, and ended in LJBF. I haven't kept you guys in on ALL the details, that would just be wrong. ;)

      I'm not holding out hope, and I'm still seeking romance. Maybe I'll find it. Maybe I won't. Maybe we'll end up in a relationship again some day. The tarot seems to think so. Pele seems to think so, too. But I'm not holding my breath, and I'm not waiting for it. Not one second.

Slashdot Top Deals

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. -- Thomas Edison

Close