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Journal Ethelred Unraed's Journal: Announcing my candidacy 30

Journal by Ethelred Unraed

After long and intensive discussions to sound out the electorate, I have decided to throw my Pickelhaube into the ring and declare my candidacy for President of the United States in 2008.

My first choice for running mate, I am delighted to say, has accepted my offer -- so we can announce the Dream Ticket:

Vote Ethelred-Dragon in 2008!

We promise wanton destruction; eternal unremitting servitude; occasional annihilation of small villages by flying reptiles to serve as an example; and a chicken in every pot (in our kitchen). We also promise to rename the United States of America to Ulterior Motive of Ethelredia, with the District of Columbia destroyed in a concerted dragon burnination and then renamed Crater of Solemn, where the Hoard of Ethelred (the new name of our Treasury) will reside (in the form of a big pile of loot). All shiny objects will henceforth be the property of SolemnDragon, unless they emit lasers or projectiles, in which case I got dibs. Oh yes, and all politicians from before our regime will be enslaved in our Imperial Coliseum for various new kinds of bloodsports, to be invented by our Minister of Sport (see below).

I nominate Em Emalb to be our cigar-chomping Minister of Defense (secretaries are soooo 20th century) and Field-Marshall for our conquests (but not too much, lest it go to his head), FortKnox to run Fort Knox, Some Woman to be Minister of Ikea, Smoochy-Bear to Warden of the Privy Council (if I ever have to take a leak), and arb to be Minister of Sport (with footie to be the new national sport).

All other applicants for positions in our Administration (to be posted below) must have the following qualifications:

  1. Simpering acquiescence
  2. Willingness to take a bullet for us (maybe even from us on a whim)
  3. Blatant sycophancy
  4. Lack of imagination beyond tying shoelaces in interesting ways
  5. Suicidal dedication to our cause

Vote Ethelred for God-Emperor (formerly known as President) and SolemnDragon for Tiara-Wearing Burninator-in-Chief (formerly known as Dick Cheney)! Victory will be ours! As my esteemed colleague and running-mate has said:

If you can't beat em, burn 'em, yeah THAT will learn 'em!

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Announcing my candidacy More

Announcing my candidacy

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  • Minister of Defense (and torture).
  • Simpering acquiescence
    Oh, you guys would be soo great at running my life. Please choose me. Please? Please????
    Willingness to take a bullet for us (maybe even from us on a whim)
    I'm open! I'm open!
    Blatant sycophancy
    What a great decision. No one is better than you. You're the best.
    Lack of imagination beyond tying shoelaces in interesting ways
    Life under anything other than your thumb is double-plus ungood.
    Suicidal dedication to our cause
    Here. Take my Liver. I have two of them.
  • Though I don't know if you want me wearing a traditional outfit; you might go blind if you saw me in anything that is skin tight.

  • All applicants, sycophants, groupies, henchmen and minions will print out this campaign poster [grantham.de] and adorn/festoon/plaster/wallpaper their cubicle, dungeon cell, domicile, hovel or other residence with it.

    Imperially yours,

    Ethelred
    God-Emperor-Elect in 2008

  • To be in charge of your space program. I've got some interesting ideas for battlecruisers and dreadnaughts that we can use to export the shining perfection of your rule to the unenlightened hordes of green and grey space aliens out there.

    • All I ask is that they don't have a big fucking hole in them so that the Good Guys can ruin my day by flying in and blowing them up from inside, ya know?

      Actually, a fleet of Species 8472 bio-ships would be pretty kewl. Get to work, or face hourly floggings!

      Cheers,

      Ethelred

  • For the girl who kicked your butt into gear and got you to finally throw your unusually large hat in the ring?

    No Minister of Medicinals? Nor Director of Fashion-themed pep talks? Nor even a promise not to be smote?

    Nothing... it's not like anything I ever said made you realize...(sniff) you had the...(blubber) inner beauty... (cry) all along... and (sobs). Nothing.

    • Well, the fact that you get to be Mistress of Medicinal Magick (better known as...wait for it..."3M") goes without saying.

      Magnanimously,

      Ethelred

      • i need a pharmacist. She can maybe be head of the FDA. (Food and drug administration will now in fact be in charge of administering food, and drugs.)
        • Can I be in charge of the ATF then? I want control of alcohol, tobacco, and flirting (His Supreme Awesomeness will obviously be in charge of firearms, so I needed another F-word...)
          • No. You may not. That has been folded into the upper echelons of administration (us.) You may, however, if you are very obedient, be placed in charge of the wildlife protection agency, and required to attend many wild parties in consequence.

            I'm told this is a very sought after post, so start your sycophancy now. *points the way to ethelred*

            We will be required to approve all candidates for jobs in your department.

  • Watch where you're throwing that pointy thing [wikipedia.org].

    A point on the DC burnination: remember, always loot before burning. Works much better than the other way around.

    Wow. Sol used to be Dick Cheney? Who'd've thought? I guess that explains the occasional heart episode. Of course, that does leave open the question of who is now Dick Cheney. Clone? Evil twin? Space alien? Cylon? If he had any hair, maybe his hairdresser would know for sure.
  • A real tinpot dictator wouldn't bother with the election; they would merely assume control. Just ask the planets of the solar federation when they got all up in Lee Geddy's face. That's dictatorship I can respect.

  • I hearby announce the foundation of the Swift Boat Slashdotters for Truth. I have documented proof that Ethelred has been running a five-year old, unpatched Windows XP box all along. And while he downloaded that Red Hat ISO, he never burned it to a CD!

    Oh, and SolemnDragon has developed a recipe for gluten-free ham-and-pineapple pizza.

    We can not let these deceptions go unchallenged!

    • Re: (Score:1)

      by Timex ( 11710 ) *
      I have documented proof that Ethelred has been running a five-year old, unpatched Windows XP box all along. And while he downloaded that Red Hat ISO, he never burned it to a CD!

      Sounds to me like Ethelred needs an Imperial SysAdmin.

      Can I have the job, Eth? Huh? Huh? Can I? Huh? Puh-LEEEEEEZE?!?

      I've already apologized to Your Imperial Highness already... <sniffle>

      Pleeeeease?
    • it would have to be gluten free VEGETARIAN ham and pineapple pizza.

      And i'm not afraid to use it, so watch yer step.

  • whatever it may be.

  • Grandmaster Ethelread Unread,

    I assume it is no big deal to apply for two positions in your government, after all those 24 hours in a day need to be filled.

    I apply hereby for the position of Minister of Education. I have prior experience in the sector and know exactly what is wrong with the current system: the complete lack of personality cult and You my Lordship are the ideal poster figure. On top of that, I'd like to introduce corporal and even capital punishment for both teachers and pupils! For

  • As Governor of New York I will:

    Abolish Connecticut and use the dead I create to fill the Long Island sound
    Remove the postition of President, Senator, Congressmen
    Revoke jury trials from California
    Attack Africa (yes, the continient) to rid the world of "weird diseases"

    so as you can see Voting Eth/Dragon will be a wasted vote.

    Fear ellem in '06

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