Well, I'm a-runnin' down the road, tryin to loosen my load
I got seven women on my mind.
Four that wanna stone me,
Two that wanna own me,
One says she's a friend of mine
OK, it's that time of year again. The time of year when everyone and their dog waxes nostalgic about all the shit nobody cares about from the year past, and stupidly predicts the next year in the grim knowlege that when the next New Year comes along nobody will remember that the dumbass predicted a bunch of foolish shit that turned out to be complete and utter balderdash.
I might as well, too.
January saw me moving into my new house and breaking up with my 300 pound alcoholic girlfriend Robyn. It was a first; I'd never broken up with a girl before. They always broke up with me, or rather than breaking up just left.
It was also the second time a woman ever cried over me. I should recount the sad but hilarious breakup.
The first woman to ever cry over me was the toothless flat chested Chris when she found out about Robyn, shortly before I broke up with Robyn. But hell, I hadn't seen Chris in six months.
Another sorta first (sorta because it actually started in 2006) was having guys want to kill me out of jealousy. In 2006 it was only two guys, one of whom thought I was porking a woman that I wasn't, but the floodgates opened in 2007. I've had sex with seven women this year (so far, fingers crossed), more women than any time since 1974, and they all seem to have men who think they own the women I've been sticking various body parts into. And some who thinnk I'm sticking various body parts into their women when I really am innocent.
Take Amy's boyfriend, for instance. He has to think I'm having sex with her, especially since he once threatened violence when Amy stupidly and drunkenly said something that was easy to misconstrue. And everybody thinks I'm fucking Tami, but I'm not. All you have to do to keep my dick out of your woman is put a ring on her finger.
Three of the seven women are or have been in alcohol rehab, and two are or were in drug rehab. Which doesn't do my self-esteem a lot of good...
February saw me with "Cassie" and "Annie". Both went into rehab, "Cassie" for drugs and "Annie" for booze. "Sam" sorely needs rehab, she's in bad shape. She was staying with me for a while back in April, before she went to jail for not showing up to the community service she was sentenced to for a traffic ticket.
May saw Linda staying with me for a while, after Ralph threw her out and before he had a change of heart and let her back in.
And there were two girls who I will neither name nor describe for fear that they'll see themselves here. But I still can't find a GF.
2007 saw eight stories submitted to slashdot actually get on its front page:
Matter Discovered Traveling at Near Light Speed
Racketeering Trial of MS and Best Buy Can Proceed
Carmack's Armadillo Aerospace Rocket Crashes and Burns
Diebold Voting Machines Vulnerable to Virus Attack
Leonard Nimoy to Play Spock in Next Star Trek Movie
Student Arrested for Writing Essay
Brains Hard-Wired for Math
Group Plans to Bring Martian Sample to Earth
I got my first "first post", and for bonus points did it accidentally. It was modded "flamebait".
The last time I did the New Years predictions I scored 100%.
Yes, I got each and every prediction wrong, as I'd wished.
So for this year's predictions, first that I'll not find a monogamous relationship. I have no reason to believe I will, as I have yet to five years after my ex wife left. As Robyn was only with me for a month before she wanted to go home with someone else, she doesn't count. And as Chris had a live-in boyfriend (who wants me dead of course) when we were going out, that can hardly count either.
I predict more financial trouble, maybe even financial ruin, Because I'm a complete and utter fool when it comes to women. I'd be better off if I were addicted to the crack you smoke, rather than the crack you stick body parts into.
I predict the geriatric Callie won't stop shitting in the bathtub unless she dies of old age. Callie is a calico cat my daughter owns that I got suckered into taking care of.
I predict that I will continue to get modded flamebait, troll, and offtopic despite the fact that when I get modded troll, flamebait, and offtopic I'm almost always shooting for "funny". Despite the fact that "funny" garners no karma, my karma remains excellent. I should predict I'll lose it I guess.
You can't predict how the mods will mod. Just today I made a funny comment; well, I thought it was funny anyway. It was supposed to be funny. It was modded 5, interesting. I just can't win!
I predict the earth will continue rotating around the sun, and we'll be right back here next year, only a little older.
Seven women, eight slashdot articles. I met a woman last night, a very attractive young (to me) blonde. Maybe I'll get lucky and seven will be the year of eight, but I won't predict it. After all...
Lighten up while you still can
No need to try and understand
Just find a place to make your stand and take it easy.