Forgot your password?
Close
typodupeerror
User Journal

Journal sillypixie's Journal: Mental Note: 21

Journal by sillypixie

Disabling comments may have unexpected consequences

Well, I guess I should have known better. It was a cowardly attempt on my part to just lob that out there and then run back under my rock and curl up into a little ball... Next time, I will enable comments, I promise.

I just don't know what to do with information like that except to squirrel it away for future reflection. It fell like a bomb when I first heard it, and it felt like the end of the world - but then a half-hour later, time was getting on, and we had chores to get done, and then we sat through a long car ride... In between these weighty relationship questions, you still have to crawl into bed beside each other at night. You still have to pass the salt at dinner. You still have to go through the motions between blow-ups, because although there is enough argument to make everyone upset, nothing gets resolved, and everything just stays there, suspended in the air over our heads.

I am trying not to really get into it with him before we see a counsellor. Hubby is supposed to make the appointment, but it hasn't happened yet. I am clinging to this desperate hope that if we can see a counsellor, some shred of objectivity will return, and we can make progress.

Under it all, I feel really jaded. And I'm worried about Hubby. After the talk I immortalized yesterday, hubby had panic attacks all night long, one after another, he spent the whole time terrified that he was going to die. He has medication for these things, but it doesn't help (although he couldn't find his medication that night). He is in much worse shape than I am. He really does need someone to take care of him. Too bad he's stuck with me...

)-:

Pixie

This discussion was created by sillypixie (696077) for Friends and Friends of Friends only, but now has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

Mental Note: More

Mental Note:

Comments Filter:
  • going your way. I hope that (both of) you come through this ok.
  • Comment removed based on user account deletion
    • I wonder this.

      I wonder if I shouldn't just get the hell out of the way. So that he can find some adoring little thing who will iron his socks and make him feel like the man of the house again. I wonder, if each of us is bending like preztels to make this work, is this even the right thing.

      Sigh.

      • Comment removed based on user account deletion
        • I think there is good-will on both sides. I also believe that there may be additional, perhaps even more valuable side-effects of counselling.

          Even if it doesn't help us stay together, I'm hoping that maybe it will open up avenues for my hubby to start dealing with some of his abandonment issues. So the therapy side as much as the mediation side. Perhaps that is naive, but I hope that this could happen.

          Either way, I would like to at least try.
        • ...will it work in 20 years?

          From my experience, no. In twenty years, it will be all the more painful.

          I do believe in the value of counseling, though. It made me see that my marriage had been over for some time, which was something that I had blinded myself to. I have a better view of reality now.
      • "I wonder, if each of us is bending like preztels to make this work, is this even the right thing"

        You've answered your own question.
      • So that he can find some adoring little thing who will iron his socks and make him feel like the man of the house again

        Is this the kind of woman he really wants? Is this the kind of woman you want to be? Day in, day out, for the rest of your life?

        You have to make your own decisions of course, but I know what I would have to do if in that situation...

  • Trick is, it may take going to a councillor to help him realize that you are there for him, when he really needs someone.

    He is in much worse shape than I am. He really does need someone to take care of him. Too bad he's stuck with me...

    I don't think that "stuck" is really the right word. If you honestly do all you can to help him, if you really care for him, if you love him, then I think "blessed" is a better word.

    Stick it out. Push him to go to the councillor. If he doesn't make the appointment in a re
    • While I agree, that she should push him to do it, I'm not sure that her making the appointment would be wise. That's basically turning what should be an equitable relationship into a parent-child relationship.
      • Yes, but if I have to nag him every day, is that really any better?
        • No, it isn't. I think that you being forced into such a situation is worse than how things are now. But, I'm loathe to make suggestions because I don't follow my own advice, and because I don't know the whole of the situation.

          Personally, I think that if you follow Timex' advice, that you're getting into a worse co-dependent situation than it appears (from my perspective) you're in now. If he can't make the decision on his own, then it doesn't appear that you're in an equitable relationship, and you've becom
  • As Sol (?) said, it's time for hubby to take ownership of his issues. This means he's got to set up that counselling appointment.

    Don't let him drag his feet on it, or anything else he has to do (such as getting better meds for his conditions). This is make-or-break stuff, and he's either got to do it himself or admit that he's failed in his responsibilities. Make sure he knows that failure has consequences. I know darn well you're tired of this, and he has to know that he has to fix his part of it.

    (I'm

  • I'm so sorry Pixie. He needs help, PROFESSIONAL help, really badly. I wish he'd understand that things would be much better if he sought help and worked through these things. I feel badly for him in the state he's in and even worse for you because you have your feet on the ground much more firmly and must be completely frustrated with this situation.

    I think ultimatums are not something to use lightly, but it may come to a point where you say it's therapy or divorce. I think that point has to come. And
  • I just don't know what to do with information like that

    well, duh, LEARN from it. if there is information you don't understand then it is about something you haven't learned about yet. Case in point, hubby said kisses and hugs are being shared with others, which makes them 'not special' to him. I really don't think he meant exactly what he said, but he said exactly what he FELT. what you can learn from this situation is that you don't honestly know what your actions mean to the person sitting next to you
  • i'd say that there is a huge breakdown in communication between you. he doesn't understand your intentions, you don't understand his feelings. it sounds like a lot of things are left unsaid between the two of you, possibly because they're frightening and/or uncomfortable to discuss.

    [1] a breakdown in understanding as complete as the one you are experiencing is rarely all one person's fault. when (if) you get your counseling be willing to accept the possibility that it isn't just to get him repaired. als
    • i also meant to write this:

      working things out with each other will become much easier if you can try to see it the other person's way. it may be hard, especially if the lack of communication and understanding has been there a while. if you can't see it from his perspective, it says that there are things about him that you never understood, just like if he can't see your point of view, he doesn't fully understand you. but it will help if you both try. don't try to judge his actions thinking of why you mi
  • I greatly respect everyone here who is trying to help, and I know we all mean well. But none of us know your heart, or his, or the whole story. Our advice is therefore bound to be colored as much by our own experiences as by yours. That inevitably makes such advice a bit dodgy, no matter how well-intentioned.

    You two need a professional guide to help you find the best of the many possible ways forward. We are not an adequate substitute, individually or collectively. Take away the message that we have best wi
    • Thanks peacefinder.

      I will definitely weigh what people know against what they say. But it is still very useful to hear how people process even the small amount of data available.

      I don't even know my heart. I certainly don't know his.

      I truly believe that if we don't get therapy in the next couple of months, we will be lost. So I am motivated to make it happen.

      Pix

Slashdot Top Deals

Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

Close