pythorlh's Journal: How to Celebrate your Anniversary

October 15th is rapidly approaching. This year, it will mark the 11th anniversary of my marriage. Now, since I have been seperated from my wife for 3 of those years, how shall I celebrate?

Crying, of course. And at some point I will be watching Smallville, which will, of course, lead to more crying. You see, at least once during the episode, they are likely to highlight the strength and depth of Jon and Martha Kents' love for one another, and that'll be the end of me.

Indeed, for the past year or so, there are a great many things that can make me cry. Probably because it was on my 10th anniversary that I finally realised that there is no real chance for me to ever be with the woman I love. Nowadays, songs about daughters are likely to choke me up (we never had one, though we have 4 boys). Songs about broken homes, doubly so. There is a fairly new country song called "Every Friday Afternoon" that is almost guaranteed to start me going.

And, of course, this wednesday, I will be holding all of those tears deep inside, unable to let them out. You see, I have family from all the way in California visiting for the week, and I cannot cry in front of them. Or anyone else, for that matter. Crying is a private thing. I can only cry by myself, or when only my wife is there. Or in front of my children, since their mostly too busy to notice.(Not that I blame them. The oldest is only 10, and none of them should really have to deal with their father in tears.)*

Had I any money, I would likely go spend it on some ridiculous amount of reading material. A good fantasy novel can stave off the tears for sometimes hours at a time. But I'm going to be on a tight budget for a while, especially with surgery coming up right before Christmas. No frivolous spending allowed. My current hope is that someone in my family will have enough extra cash to get me something off my amazon wish list to read while I recuperate. I'll be bored to death without something to read.

Well, it is almost midnight, and I have to work in the morning. Good night, sweet readers. Thank you for the indulgence of your time, and I pray that your lives are happier than mine. I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy, assuming I have one.

* If anyone's wondering, yes, I do realise that frequent uncontrollable crying is one of the classic signs of depression. And I'm all broke up about it ;) Really, I know that I am depressed. I'm of the general opinion that depressed is about right for someone with the lousy hand of cards that I've been dealt, so I don't think that counseling (who has the time?) or drugs(who can remember to take them?) are the answer. I think that the only answer is to enter a happier situation in my life, though I don't see that happening any time soon.

ObRedGreen

[Red Warrior]

It does get better. It just sucks until then. :-)
Of course, I was mostly out of love when my marriage ended.

At least you get to see your kids. Lotsa guys don't. I know it's not the same. But it's something.

Hang in there, we're all pulling for ya.

Let it all out

[Some Woman]

Sometimes a good private cry is a good thing. I've been taking more than my fair share lately. I've become pretty good at noting that I should set aside some alone-time later when I have time to cry about whatever is currently happening. And boy does it feel good. Do whatever you can to let it out- it sure beats the alternative.

You friended me, so here I am. :)

[The Michele]

Cry. Cry for all the time you are going to miss with her. Cry for the times that you regret while you were with her. Cry that you can't fix it. While you are crying, remember that these tears are carrying with them some of the poison that infects you and will help to lessen the ache of emptiness in your solar plexus when you think about what could have been. It isn't going to go away completely, but it will gradually fill in as you allow yourself to begin to enjoy life.
That is part of the "secret" you kno