I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to choose anymore. I can't cut my ties with the past. I can't move forward. Fear leaves me nothing but uncertainty and denial. I know what I have to do, always have. But a large part of me always lives in the past and refuses to budge. I try to get her to join me, just leave it behind, it is no good for anyone now. I need all my strength. Please come to me. Please.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to choose anymore. I can't cut my ties with the past. I can't move forward. Fear leaves me nothing but uncertainty and denial. I know what I have to do, always have. But a large part of me always lives in the past and refuses to budge. I try to get her to join me, just leave it behind, it is no good for anyone now. I need all my strength. Please come to me. Please.

Remember the bridge in Newport? I think we both agreed it's like a highway to heaven, a gate to paradise. It's so worthwhile, the waiting for your realisation, the awakening of you, I know it and know it so much now. On halfway, there were tears flooding my pillow, music played a thousand times. Then I knew Loving also makes you strong.

It's been a tough year, mixed with hardship as well as joy. I am not confused anymore because I have made up my mind what to do. But to make it work, I have to lie.Guilt is a funny thing. They are the people I care about but they are also the people I protect myself from. I try not to think about it so much because the guilt will eat me up and break me. I don't to break. I am so close. Lying requires so much work. But what needs to be done has to be done. It has to work. It just has to.

I am moving backwards by not moving forward. I am moving backwards when everyone else is moving forward. I want to move too but where can I go? Where do I want to go? Everybody asks me to join them but I am still walking along the street, trying to pick my favourite store. Do I have a favourite store? Or am I just too afraid to walk in? To be left behind is one of the worst feelings in the world. Change is the scariest thing in the world.

Version 1 of a day in life!!

- 7:00 - WAKE UP!!!
Kiss and makeup,
7:00-8:00 - stretch, exercise, shower, eggs and tea.
Few moments of sitting still.. on the couch, watching her move.
8:05-8:30 - Pack lunch, skim the news.
.... or skip the news, to keep in good mood!
9:00 - 12.30 - Work and some more...
12.30-13.30 - Lunch and, if possible
kiss and makeup, chat and sh

If I were a boy, I would have stronger shoulders.

If I were a boy, I would not notice my neck.

If I were a boy, I would have kinder shoes.

If I were a boy, I would not have a cellphone.

If I were a boy, I would know how to clean up.

If I were a boy, I would be more careful with calculation.

If I were a boy, I would take a shortcut.

If I were a boy, I would know how to paint.

If only "If I were a boy," sounds less intangible.

Today I nearly made an irreversible mistake. It's a mistake of the size I-would-regret-for-the-rest-of-my-life. But I think (actually firmly believe) that my last minute prayer to Goddess of Mercy saved me. I was looking for a distraction, a quick fix, to a problem that I refuse to acknowledge. I wanted to pretend that it never existed, buried it somewhere so that I didn't have to deal with it. If I pretended hard enough, I wish it would eventually go away. Of course, it doesn't. I wonder why it

What must we seek? Beauty, Happiness, Knowledge, or Justice.

A relative increase in any of these virtues will lead to slight betterment in the world, this I do not doubt.

But beauty and happiness are subjective, and individual pursuits--to each their own.

What must we seek? Beauty, Happiness, Knowledge, or Justice.

A relative increase in any of these virtues will lead to slight betterment in the world, this I do not doubt.

But beauty and happiness are subjective, and individual pursuits--to each their own.