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Journal jawtheshark's Journal: The reconstruction of the last days. 16

Let me first say, that you might find it ethically incorrect that I post the events of what happened on a public forum. I can understand your opinion and respect it, I will however not listen to you. Why? Because this can happen to you and I'd rather have you know what to look out for, and act... unlike I did... in time. So flame me all you want for "violation of privacy" or "you can't tell this on a public forum". I'm not her mother who tells others that "she fell while cleaning the windows". I will not do lies. That said, I will try to keep this impartial and not judge her or anyone.

Originally, I thought to just post it on facebook for a limited audience.... That's the wrong approach. This topic is taboo, and it shouldn't. People call me now all the time to tell that they did too or a friend/relative did the same.

Yes, my wife might find out... but at this point, does it really matter?


I don't know how many of you know about my short stay on Multiply about three years ago. The reasons I left Multiply are known to some of you, but do not matter in this context. What is important is that back then pretty much the same happened, except people saw it coming in time.

Back then, she short-circuited and her coworkers saw that she was clearly out of her mind and urged her to go to emergency. She did... Without too much details: she spent nearly two weeks in closed psychiatry (According to my calculations, 10.5 days)

What most people do not know is she stopped taking her antidepressants afterwards and stopped therapy because the Doc started to ask questions that she couldn't cope with. I accepted that. She was back to normal after all... I did try some convincing, but I wasn't good enough. He simply started asking uncomfortable questions... Yet, it is those that need to be answered.

Wednesday Night

She had arranged with a friend of her to go out. I'm not in favour of her going out during the work week, but I know this is good for her. Get out of the normal rut, and socialize a bit. It also gives me a bit time to geek out. She went out with her friend and came back around 2am. I was still awake, had a few beers, and we went to bed. It was however clear she was in thoughts and couldn't sleep. She pretty much sat upright in bed just "thinking". Well, I was tired an slept. I don't think she did.


The alarm clock goes and as expected, if you're going to be at 2am, she doesn't feel well. She calls in sick. Okay, I have called in sick for a hangover too. She lies on the phone and said she threw up. I know this was not true. What is important here is what she did next. Instead of going back to bed, she went to watch TV and was a bit on the Internet. I slept, since I have pretty flexible hours. She did, however, not sleep. Around 10am, I go to work....

At lunchtime she calls me to tell me that she went to the doctor and got sleeping pills prescribed. While I don't like those style of drugs, I was kind of hoping that it would help her come to rest. That day, I was already worried (the last "episode" was also caused by two nights of sleep deprivation ), that she would have taken them all at once. I came home, she was sitting there watching TV or reading a book. I don't really remember. The pills she showed me were Valeriana pills... Natural stuff prescription free. I inquired about that and she insisted the doctor had said that the natural way would be the best. I accepted that answer. Anyway, I heard that she had two sick days... So the next day she could sleep in. I know now that she did get real pills, I found them in her purse. She didn't use then though. She used one of the Valeriana ones.

Thursday, I'm on watch... This means, I get SMSes when servers have problems. I got some, and needed to babysit the servers. At a certain point in time, she comes over (from bed) to ask me to join her in bed (Not what you think, you pervs). I couldn't since the problem wasn't resolved. When it was, I went to bed and not even two minutes later another alert came in. She said something along the lines "I cannot sleep that way". So I relocated to the couch with my laptop and fixed whatever was to be fixed. I evidently decided to sleep there... Just in case.

I set my cellphone for 7h15, sneaked into the bedroom to turn off the alarm clock so she could sleep as long as she wanted. I closed the door and the key fell out of the lock. I put it back in the lock. I hardly remember this event, but after talking to her, I do. She, probably already high on sleep deprivation, thought I was locking her into the bedroom! I can understand.... It was dark, you hear the key falling then being inserted in the lock... but still. What husband locks his wife in her bedroom unless he's thoroughly deranged. I do hope to think I am not, even if I am not perfect.


You do not know the reason yet why I set my alarm to 7h15. Well, my wifes Mini (that's a car, you Apple freaks) was scheduled for an inspection. Since, usually she cannot bring her car to inspections, since her schedules are not flexible, I give her my car and I go to the dealership with hers and arrange everything. She was called in sick, so initially I though of not give her my car key but she said she had an appointment. That was a lie.

Anyway, even before my cellphone could awake me.... She was fully awake at my couch to wake me up. I do not believe a second she actually slept that night, not now at least. I was grumpy.... I'm not a morning person, but I knew my duty and I just had to do it. I showered and when I wanted to kiss her goodbye, she asked me "where are you going?". I rolled my eyes, and went away. At least at that point I should have known.

Dropped of the Mini at the dealership, took the bus to work, worked...At around 17h30, I left. After all, I needed to pick up the Mini. I just want to get into the elevator when my cellphone rings and it's her brother calling me. He's a proto-geek, and I expected some computer questions. So I tell him, I will now go into the elevator and the connection will drop (which it did). When I got on the street, I call him back and he tells me she just jumped from the 4th story of the building her mom lives in. Yeah, you know.... I'm there and can't do anything. I can't go there, nor help. So what happened to me is not very important. I picked up her car, drove to my parents because I needed to talk.

Anyway, what I can reconstruct is that she was at her moms home and she did talk to her brother and she did seem weird. She went down to her room and jumped. Her brother "discovered" her. Her mom came back from work 5min later.... They called her dad.... I don't know if he was there... I still need to talk to him. The ambulance didn't come (it really is the end of the world where they live), and she was finally airlifted to a hospital.

I couldn't do anything. I needed to pick up the Mini, which I did. I had no information. I got to my parents and me and my mom went to the hospital. We got the floor and she wasn't there. We talked to a nurse, and she told us that she just entered the operation room. That would take a few hours. I brought back my mom to home and drove to my wifes mom. We won't talk about the drama, but I got to read her "suicide note" which was mostly bullshit with what I knew then. Do remember, she was there with /my/ car. I drove there with the Mini, but I'd rather have my TT to get home. What I noticed at once was that the car had been driven many more kilometers than needed to get where her mom lives. Look, I had this car for nearly 10 years, I know it better than my back pocket. I do notice anomalies. What I did hear today from her is that she drove around the country to find a bridge to jump. (Yes, you read that right! This shit was planned and in that context her suicide note makes more sense.) Luckily bridges these days are secured.

So, that's the facts folks... That's where I'm at...

Don't worry for me... I'm a big shark... I eat you for breakfast. :-D

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The reconstruction of the last days.

Comments Filter:
  • Take care, I'm emailing a mopre personal note as well...
  • That discussing the implications of suicide should not be taboo. I don't believe it helps anyone in the end.

    That said I hope you and your wife are able to find the help you need.
  • Thanks for posting this. Take care of yourself so you can take care of her.

  • Psychological problems suck. :( I hope everything works out for the both of you...

  • That really sucks. I think you did the right thing in posting though.

    I hope your wife is OK and I hope she (and you too!) get the help you guys need.

  • We'll be able to help you in some ways.

  • My sister actually almost did jump off the Golden Gate Bridge last year, and his really unstable now. There's unfortunately nothing we can do for the moment, and in fact, she's in Germany with nobody but her creepy boyfriend that we don't trust...

  • I am sorry to read of your troubles. I came here via Multiply, which is still ticking over.

    I know that you'll already be thinking this, but keep going. It's never going to be easy, but it might get easier.

    My best,

    • I came here via Multiply, which is still ticking over.

      What do you mean by this? Were you a Multiply user and then became a slashdot user? Very unlikely with that slashdot ID number.

      • I mean that while I've known your pseudonym for a long time, and followed comments in other blogs, I hadn't friended you here until I posted my above post (mostly carelessness), so I didn't see what you wrote through my amigos, but rather from links posted by concerned parties on Multiply.

  • I have a very close friend that tried the route of slitting her wrists in April of this year. She is young (25) and she has chosen me as her support ever since.


  • Sorry, my comment got lost the first time. Fickly network.

    One question, which you may want to clarify (for yourself more than for us). Why are you on slashdot and facebook, instead of being in hospital with your wife? May tell you some about that relationship...

    • You can only get in the ER at very specific times. Today, she got transferred in a normal room in the late afternoon and you bet I was there....
      • Jorg, as said, answer not for us, but for yourself. We don't need any justification.

        In your writeup, you got the call when getting out of office in Lux City. Filling in blanks, I assume you got on bus to Howald (Konz?), picked up the car, went to your parents and then drove over to hospital.

        I expect my reaction to have been to take a taxi and get to hospital. Irrelevant of the fact that ER is not open to outsiders, or that the dealer expects the car to be picked up that evening, or whatever else.

        No wrong or

The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair". -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"