[x] Can not see Russia from his porch.
[x] Does not own a pig or lipstick.
[x] Able to name all of his children from memory.
[x] Is aware that the Founding Fathers did not know the Pledge of Allegiance.
[x] Has no unmarried, pregnant daughters promoting abstinence.
[ ] Understands that smoking tobacco kills.
[ ] Knows that Carbon Dioxide is the cause of Global Warming.
[ ] The movie Titanic is not a metaphor for the USA today.
[ ] Realizes George Washington was not a Republican.