SEE UPDATE BELOW ORIGINAL POST:
Apparently Firefox 2.0 hangs for no apparent reason on OSX. You have to force a "quit", lose all your tabs, and then try to find the pages you were on.
Annoying as all get out. And people have been complaining about it.
Also, I wanted to get the new system set up with Apache, PHP, etc.
Of course, because Mac is the bastard stepchild of the world, Apache and PHP don't have binary installers. And though MySQL does, you still have to recompile portions of it from source, because it uses static libraries instead of shared libraries which means you can't compile PHP with MySQL support unless you compile MySQL from source, making the binary installer sort of useless.
So, while I'd have had this set up within 3-4 hours were it a Windows machine, I've been chasing down error messages, step-by-step instructions on how to install this stuff from source, and waiting for various things to compile (or barf up error messages so I can try to figure out why they won't compile).
So I think the Apple slogan needs to be changed from "Mac: It just works" to "Mac: It just works so long as you have really low expectations and don't mind pulling your hair out when you try to run any of the cool free Open Source stuff it's so easy to run on Windows."
AND NOW THE UPDATE:
Mac does come with Apache 1.33 and a 4.4.x version of PHP. Of course, the version of Apache isn't configured to actually work with PHP. You have to hack the httpd.conf file, and that's hidden from the average file search to prevent users from doing harm to themselves.
I figured it was a non-standard install and looked to install Apache 2.0 with PHP 5. That was where I ran into trouble. That was my downfall. That was the unmerry path that wasted half of my day.
Finally, after sharing this complaint with a friend, he pointed me at a step-by-step for getting WordPress working on OSX (which included the hidden location of the httpd.conf file). I followed the instructions and had everything working in a matter of minutes.
I'd actually seen a link for the WordPress instructions come up as I googled for an answer, but since I didn't want to run WordPress locally and I knew how to install WordPress on a machine where Apache/PHP/MySQL were already running, I ignored it.
Ticks me off that this would be the 10-minute answer to my question, while the other results were all WAY too complicated.