Journal cyranoVR's Journal: Civil War? CIVIL WAR! =D 15
Okay. I know that we're all calm, rational citizens who believe in Democracy. So our our leaders. No matter how harsh and vemonous the rhetoric is right now; no matter now long the election, recounts, recounts-of-the-recounts, and ensuing legal shenanigans last; and no matter how much certain extremist, slap-fighting bloggers might hope for it; we all know there's NOT going to be a "New American Civil War." (Right?)
Of course, that doesn't mean it's not fun to think about! =)
CONSERVATIVES
Advantages
Widespread gun ownership ("duh" == boring/obvious bulletpoint)
Tradition of military service, Civil War re-enactment
NASCAR drivers provide ready elite mechanized infantry
Deep-pocketed corporations provide ocean of cigarettes, alcohol for the troops; morale booster
Religous zealotry provides ample selection for suicide attacks
Disadvantages
Majority of actual soldiers currently serving in Iraq (d'oh!)
Remaining infantry only have experience shooting defenseless wildlife, "Running Osama" paper targets. (Little transfer to human-vs-human combat aside from load/shoot).
Lack of membership in Reality-Based Community => Bad Intelligence, military bluders
USO shows consist of: Country Western / Christian Pop Rock. Non-Rednecks / Fundies commit suicide en masse. Survivors of same group (non-rednecks) envy dead, suffer low morale.
High Fat / Low exercise diet of midwesterners/southerners results in jumbo-sized targets, poor maneuverability
LIBERALS
Advantages
Inner City Youth provide obvious shock-troops with weapons supply, funding, urban warfare know-how (for this reason, Washington DC captured within first 24 hours of war)
Willingness to arm/deploy women, homosexuals provides far larger military force.
Underground support from Al-Qaeda cells (obvious)
Years of fad diets / health-club memberships provides physically fit, attractive infantry
UN forces (i.e. Black Helicopters) strike, cause havoc, terror behind enemy lines.
USO shows far, FAR more entertaining: P. Diddy, Emenim, Perl Jam, Cold Play, Radiohead, Dixie Chicks, Willie Nelson, etc. etc. Acts span genres, offer something for everyone. Result: high morale, hipness.
Disadvanatages
As hippies, deplore all forms of violence. Thousands slaughtered attempting to "just talk things over" with enemy forces.
Willingness to deploy women, homosexuals => catastrophic military defeats.
Union soldiers lazy, surly; demand overtime pay for extended operations.
Latté supply stretched dangerously thin. Lib GIs vunerable to early-morning assaults while dreary-eyed, uncaffinated.
Belief in energy-conservation results in unsuprising annilhiation of 3rd Oakland Bicycle Corps. For this reason, Western front falls in first 24 hours of war.
Conservative Flag: Red-White-and-Blue silhouette of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. on white
Liberal Flag: Rainbow Potleaf
hehe (Score:2)
Re:hehe (Score:2)
Feel free to add anything I left out!
Gene Wolfe's "Hour of trust" (Score:2)
About the USO shows... Tom Lehrer wrote a song that commented on the Spanish Civil War. It contained the line, "They may have won all the battles, but we had all the great songs."
That's about the funniest thing I've read all day (Score:1)
Additional possible conservative pro/con
Pro - Very large force of armed pick-up trucks/SUV
Pro - Signifant number of people who've actually prepared for an event of this nature. They're ready.
Con - Signifant number of people who've actually prepared for an event of this nature. They're generally crack-pots.
That one about the bicycle corps, Crist that's funny.
Re:That's about the funniest thing I've read all d (Score:2)
I just remembered that Poland had a division of bicycle soldiers that was obliterated by Germany in '39. I just made myself sad.
Ok, not so sad anymore. Bicycle corps? WTF were they thinking?
Re:That's about the funniest thing I've read all d (Score:1)
o_O
eminem (Score:2)
Then they show a caricature of bush (capitalization is earned) being put in combat gear except they give him an M-16. Even I knew that one was wrong. I guess rappers only know how to rhyme AK.
I always thought of Eminem as a conservative. I suppose because he tries to project himself as evil and I associate that with republicans.
Oh yeah? (Score:2)
Re:Oh yeah? (Score:3, Interesting)
You must not have ever hunted. For the two months leading up to hunting season I work out 3 times a week on weights for as long as possible, then I do 30 minutes on a stair stepper doing about ~120 flights of stairs....
When I get into the woods to try and slaughter an innocent deer, the deer run circles around me, many times with out me even seeing them.
Hunting the real wa
Re:Oh yeah? (Score:2)
However, the stereotype rightwinger is a fat man with a gun in one hand and a bible in the other. Perhaps it's unfair but then again most stereotypes are.
Re:Oh yeah? (Score:2)
jason
Interesting idea (Score:2)
Obvious Liberal Disadvantage (Score:2)
Re: (Score:2)
I thought of some more (Score:2)
Troops so stoned, they don't fear death. Green Panthers [philandrews.com] 420th elite stoner forces unit takes heavy casualties, keeps fighting, routs Eastern Oregon 2nd chainsaw brigade in battle of Klamath Falls.
Conservative Advantage:
Aaaaahnold! The Governator singlehandedly takes out an entire platoon of economic girlie-men from the UC Berkely economics department.