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Journal cyranoVR's Journal: Lies My Parents Told Me 35

Journal by cyranoVR

LIE: "No matter how good you are at something, there's always going to be somebody better than you."

FACT: If you work at something hard enough and long enough, you CAN become the best.

LIE: "You're working/studying/training too hard."

FACT: Achievement can take hours, days and years of work and dedication. Do you have a problem with acheivement?

LIE: "Success won't really make you happy. Being a Good Person will make you happy."

FACT: A mediocre life will bring mediocre happiness.

LIE: "When you lose, promise us you won't get upset."

FACT: Everyone gets upset when they lose. It's a natural reaction. And what the hell did you mean by "when" I lose? That's problem #1, right there.

LIE: "Maybe next year."

FACT: No, not "next year." This year! Better still: RIGHT NOW!

LIE: If you expect a lot from yourself, then you are just setting yourself up for A MAJOR DISAPPOINTMENT

FACT: If you expect a lot from yourself, then you are setting yourself up for A MAJOR VICTORY!

This discussion was created by cyranoVR (518628) for Friends and Friends of Friends only, but now has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

Lies My Parents Told Me More

Lies My Parents Told Me

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  • LIE: "No matter how good you are at something, there's always going to be somebody better than you."

    Guess what? That was the first lesson I learned in college. First day, freshman year. I start talking about music to the kid next to me with a beard. He's really cool. He's really smart. Actually, he's a genius. And he just turned 16. He's great at math, computers, english, history, music, likes to write poetry and go mountain climbing and is a beer connoiseur. No shit.

    Welcome to the wonderful wor
    • Welcome to the wonderful world of Prodigies: they're just fucking really good at everything and it all comes easy to them.

      Guess what? I know more than a few prodigies myself. In 100% of all cases, they are exceptional 1) they worked their asses off, and 2) their parents pushed them really hard.

      The myth that some people are just prodigies to which everything comes easy is just that: a myth.
      • Nah. I've run across total slackers who did amazingly well any time they bothered to do anything.
        • Nah. I've run across total slackers who did amazingly well any time they bothered to do anything.

          I'm pretty sure that's the category I fall into.

          I tend to do really well at anything I try, but getting off my ass in the first place is the hard part.

        • I've run across total slackers who did amazingly well any time they bothered to do anything.

          Yes, but what level are we talking about?

          Mathematics is one of those subject-matters people seem to think either comes naturally to someone or doesn't come at all. If it comes naturally, then the common perception seems to be that you need do nothing more: just lay back and let your mathematical inspiration take you were it wants.

          Well, I am married to a mathematician. And a brilliant one at that. Through him I h

          • You hit all the points that I was going to get to...esp. about Mozart. The movie/play Amadeus is one of the biggest lies of modern (popular) cinema.

            One thing virtually all "prodigies" have in common is that their parents pushed them relentlessly from birth. In the art world we have Mozart and Picasso, in the Sports world we have Agassi and Tiger Woods.

            Anyway, my feeling is that if a child is an underacheiver, the blame falls squarely on the child's parents. And parents know this: this is why they const
  • LIE: "No matter how good you are at something, there's always going to be somebody better than you."

    Sorry friend, you can never be the best unless you are constantly challenged to do so. When you win and no one else can beat you, your human instinct will get bored allowing an opening for someone to come beat you. You can be DAMN GOOD, but not constantly the best.

    LIE: "Success won't really make you happy. Being a Good Person will make you happy."

    Well, it depends. You need so much to get by, but t
    • You can be DAMN GOOD, but not constantly the best.

      Everyone "loses" at one point or another. But it *is* possible to become THE BEST, if only for a moment in time.

      The undercurrent of the "there will always be someone better" is "can't win, don't try" - aka the worst lesson you can teach a child.
      Relevant Simpsons Quote: [snpp.com]

      Marge: What makes you think this Darryl Strawberry character is better than you?
      Homer: Marge, forget it. He's bigger than me, faster than me, stronger than me, and he already has more

      • LIE: "No matter how good you are at something, there's always going to be somebody better than you."

        1. Sorry friend, you can never be the best unless you are constantly challenged to do so. [...] You can be DAMN GOOD, but not constantly the best.
        1. Everyone "loses" at one point or another. But it *is* possible to become THE BEST, if only for a moment in time.

        I think you're both right, sort of. Whereas I find it quite plausible that a lot of people need a challenge to be constantly on top, I also believe t

  • #3 (Score:1)

    by johndiii ( 229824 ) *
    If you think that something will make you happy, you're on the wrong path. If you depend on something to make you happy, you will be mostly unhappy.
    • If you think that something will make you happy, you're on the wrong path. If you depend on something to make you happy, you will be mostly unhappy.

      That depends:
      Would you rather try and fail...

      Or not try and lie on your deathbed wondering "could have I done it?"

      Only one path guarantees unhappiness.
      • Well, you're free to use happiness as a motivator if you want. But that's a choice. Success at any particular thing does not guarantee happiness, nor does failure guarantee unhappiness. It's internal, not external.

        In your situation, not trying to be the best fencer around would not be being true to yourself. And that (not being true to one's self) is, in general, one of the most reliable roads to unhappiness. But recognize that it's a choice that you've made, and continue to make, every day. Your
        • Word.

          It's amazing how often people seem to believe that happieness is governed by external factors.

          • It's amazing how often people seem to believe that happieness is governed by external factors.

            There's a saying: "Ignorance is Bliss."

            When you see a hobo on the street who is disease-ridden, toothless, penniless and happy as a clam with a big smile on his face...do we feel envy for him or pity?

            Maybe an extreme example...but my point is some happiness is "justified" whereas other forms of happiness (as cited above) are more like "self-delusion."

            I'm too introspective to allow myself to deluded myself.

            One
            • Depends. If that hobo is *actually* happy (and not deranged), then I don't feel pity for him. Heck, I just might feel some envy.

              A less extreme example - My sister (the one who hasn't been disowned), I've mentioned her a few times here. Most recently when her apartment burned down last year. She was a straight A student through HS, had decided she wanted to be a marine biologist. Went away to college, and decided...Nah. She came back to the Seattle area, and got a job as a parking garage attendant. I've neve

              • I think you ARE deciving yourself, and not really being all that introspective, if you think that happieness needs to be "justified" by some external criteria.

                I disagree. Happiness is a real, physical, biochemical response in the brain that is largely influenced by external criteria.

                Meanwhile, purely "internal" happiness is also purely "self-deception" because it is not quantifiable in the physical world.

                Back to the "external" happiness: it is both quantifiable and itself derived from physical reality.
                • You are being internally inconsistent. First, let me add my voice to those saying that it's a shame your parents were so defeatist in thier message. I also take pride and happieness in being and doing my best. Can I quote you on being in agreement with Nietzsche?

                  If happieness is a "real, physical biochemical response" (which is beside the point, as nobody has argued the opposite)...Then anyone who exibits that response is BY YOUR DEFINITION "really happy". A person could NOT DELUDE themself. The dulusion wo

                  • If happieness is a "real, physical biochemical response" (which is beside the point, as nobody has argued the opposite)...Then anyone who exibits that response is BY YOUR DEFINITION "really happy". A person could NOT DELUDE themself. The dulusion would trigger said real, physical biochemical response. In direct contradiction of your thesis.

                    Not at all. People mis-read their own emotions all the time. This is why therapists and psychic hotlines make boatloads of money: because people can't figure out what'
                  • Just to clarify my thoughts

                    The person who continually tells themselves "I am happy" without any sort of external justification - i.e. "pure internal happiness" - is by definition engaged in self-deception. They are artificially invoking the biochemical response in their brain.

                    Meanwhile, the person who becomes happy in response to an external event is "truly happy" because they are not invoking the biochemical response in themselves (that is, it is happening on a sub-sub-concious level).

                    Finally, people w

  • Lies (Score:2)

    by turg ( 19864 ) *

    I think the problem is that these "lies" are oversimplifications/overgeneralizations that do have a good point behind them

    LIE: "No matter how good you are at something, there's always going to be somebody better than you."
         FACT: If you work at something hard enough and long enough, you CAN become the best.

    Absolutely. Striving to be the best is great. But only one person can be the best. If you stake your self-worth on being the best, you will be doing yourself more harm than good.

    LIE: "You're w

    • Striving to be the best is great. But only one person can be the best. If you stake your self-worth on being the best, you will be doing yourself more harm than good.

      Agreed. But isn't it sad and pathetic when somebody fails to realize their potential because they know they'll never be "the best." What harm is there in trying? ...the issue could be focusing on one area to the detriment of others (family, relationships, health, etc.) I think the issue being addressed is not doing too much in one area viewe

  • Everyone keeps calling you on the "being the best" lie... I'm gonna have to do it too... sorry mate.

    I think it's relative to the person and what the category is that they're striving to achieve the top slot in. I mean, let's face it.... I'm never going to be the strongest man on earth no matter how hard I try. My body simply has that physical limitation. No matter how bad I wanted it, or how hard I tried, it would be physiologically impossible for my muscle structure to achieve that goal.

    On the other hand

    • You can't really be whatever you want when you grow up... that's just a fact of the universe. The trick, however, is to be something you want to be so that you can excel at it and you'll enjoy it enough to try for that excellence.

      Once I saw this episode of "Friends" where one of the women is going out with a guy who has decided that his life's calling is to become...an Ultimate Fighter. Unfortunately, he's a wuss, but doesn't realize it.

      Needless to say, he gets his ass kicked over and over, but never qui
  • But then I have an unusually good sense of what you mean because I'm so close to you.

    The goal of trying to be the best is not the expectation that you will be the best. The striving in itself makes it worthwhile and pushes us to higher levels of expertise and self knowledge. If you don't try, then you will certainly never succeed. And if in trying you come in second or third best, even that is pretty damn good.

    Look at Steffi, who failed to make the Olympic team by one place. Do you think she regrets havin
  • LIE: "Success won't really make you happy. Being a Good Person will make you happy."

    FACT: A mediocre life will bring mediocre happiness.

    these two statements are not necessarily antagonistic. one could say that it is being a mediocre person is what makes for a mediocre life. if someone is a successful asshole, they're still just an asshole. being a quitter who doesn't put forth any effort doesn't make somebody a good person or successful.

    it depends on how you measure success. does success mean achiev
    • Your use of the term "success" is very ambiguous. You are mixing it up with all sorts of concepts like being a good person and being happy. Those are very different and discrete ideas.

      No doubt there are people who are perfectly happy to sit around twiddling their thumbs all day and smoking pot, but by my and CyranoVR's standards, that is hardly success. But then we live in a world of high achievement and hard work. If we were hippies, maybe we would be happy to ride bikes around town and save the environme
      • success means different things to different people. the ambiguous definitions i gave aren't all what i consider success for myself. in the loosest definition success is achieving what one intended to achieve. being a success is much more difficult to define.

        to me success means living well. pushing myself and improving are a large part of that for me. that will make me a good person, which makes me happy. basically i agree with what you've said. if you see that as counter what i originally posted, yo
        • a business man who is the best in his field and makes millions of dollars a year is successful at accumulating wealth, but if he hates himself, is lonely, or otherwise unfulfilled, i would not say that makes him a success.

          Real Life Anecdote (tm)

          During lunch a few months ago, the topic of discussion was Maria Carey's Nervous Breakdown.

          The participants were tellers and security staff from my bank, all of whom live just above the poverty line.

          The unanimous conclusion reached by all: "What the hell does sh
          • i didn't mean to imply that all business men fall into the category i described. i only meant to point out that the category does in fact exist.

            i've known both kinds of rich people. i have also known both content and unhappy poor people. i maintain that it's not the money, or at least not only the money. financial success often follows from a person's drive, which usually also means they strive for improvement. i say it is their attitude and approach to situations that makes them both happy and financ
            • i say the lesson learned is that those poor people thought money alone would solve their problems. they are miserable and see it as a result of their economic standing.

              Having thought about it a bit more, I would say the lesson learned is:

              All human beings are going to be miserable one way or another. The different between rich people and poor people is that the rich often have to create their own misery whereas the poor have that bit taken care of for them.
    • to support you a bit, i'll share a truth with you that my parents shared with me. there are only two reasons that people fail: they don't want it enough, or they don't think it's possible.

      You're a lucky guy. My parents actually told me everything in the journal (verbatim, in some cases).

      So their two reasons people fail: sometimes you're just not good enough, or it's just not possible.

      Their mantra: "Life isn't fair." Translated: "it's not possible, save yourself the pain and give up now." [I have come t
      • unfortunately, it's only been recently (well, sort of recently, college, which ended 7 years ago) that i've started to learn what it really means to apply myself.

        growing up i found i learned things quickly and didn't have to try hard to achieve my goal. so i didn't have to apply much effort. since then i've learned that it isn't enought for me just to complete tasks. i want to excel in them. i want to learn the next level. but as you and mrs vr have pointed out, that has to come from within. i'm find

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