Journal cb900crdr's Journal: Drying out, learning things about life, feeling better. 4
Prologue
Ok, to begin with, I have been having chest pains for over a year now. I am over-weight and only 34 (now).
It starts
I went to the ER once over a year ago after the pains were particularly bad and started hyperventilating and getting dizzy. The cardiology tests all came back negative.
Doctor decided to run a complete run up of my blood. While waiting for tests to come back chest pains were still present at times and panicky feeling. Test results were fine except blood pressure and liver functions. I didn't tell him about the pains or anxiety since heart problems had been ruled out. I did confess to him that I had recently become aware that I had been drinking a large amount of alcohol, about 1500ml vodka every 4-5 days. He asked if I had any family history of alcoholism. I said not that I knew of. He said ask around. I did. There isn't any. He asked me to stop drinking for 3 weeks and have the liver functions tested again. I did. Results were perplexing. One test got better, one worse. I was sent to a specialist.
Now I enjoy drinking. When the 3 week dry spell was up, I stopped drinking my usual Vodka drinks and started drinking only wine to keep consumption levels down. This worked. For a while. I gradually increased my consumption amounts, as I had done with the vodka, to "more than I should". Specialist was glad to hear that my drinking habits changed. I was tested again with up/down results. It was his conclusion that I was disease free and loosing weight and drinking less would fix my liver functions. I tried, and gave up. I wasn't ready to stop drinking. I enjoyed it too much. I didn't drink to get drunk, I enjoyed the flavor and feeling relaxed.
I never went back to the specialist. Didn't want any more lectures.
Flash to the present.
The pains have been getting worse for a couple of months, I'm obsessing about dying. I thought I was going to have a heart attack while on vacation in Texas in October, I thought I wasn't going to see my birthday in November. I thought I was going to die on Thanksgiving. I kept having the chest pains, the numb left arm, and the massive anxiety about all of it. I would calm myself down some by saying to myself it can't actually be my heart since I would be dead by now if it had been. Who has heart attacks that last over a year?
Reality starts to break through. (Hello, Mcfly)
In the last month I start to realize that once I start drinking the pain lessens, and the anxiety subsides. Two words start to echo in my head like a whisper on the wind, "alcohol withdrawal". I hear the words and think I should look it up online, and promptly forget to, for a while. Then it surfaces again during a particularly bad attack. Thanksgiving weekend I spent drinking Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. On Saturday I was filled with anxiety and did finally look it up online. Thanks to google and web pages like this and this I finally realized what was causing my symptoms.
The battle begins
Sunday morning the pains and anxiety begin before 3 am, I had been drinking most of the day on Saturday. I wake up and go down to the basement to surf the internet for a while. I go back to bed with my arm hurting and with some mild anxiety around 5. I wake up at 8:30 with the same discomfort. Around noon I am standing in the kitchen talking to my partner who is getting ready to tile the backsplash when I get a sudden brief dizzy spell, followed of course by a huge anxiety attack. That really scared me. I decided then and there that I needed to stop drinking. If all of this was caused by my drinking then I would prove it by stopping drinking. If it wasn't caused by my drinking then I would reluctantly go back to my doctor.
For the rest of that day I was regularly flooded with anxiety attacks that would make me go to the kitchen to be with my partner. In case something serious was actually to happen, I wanted someone around to fix it immediately. I didn't want to be found dead in the other room. Of course I didn't tell my partner what had been, and was, going on. I got quizzical looks and "you must be bored..." I didn't want my partner to worry about me, I was sure it would all pass. I was just being cautious. I went to bed that night, wired from adrenaline and completely exhausted from being on it all day.
The healing begins
I have to say that in the last 11 days I have not craved Alcohol at all. Nicotine actually left me craving. Alcohol, seems more like a missing habit. I miss not drinking the wine. I enjoyed the taste of it. But from what I read, every time you go through this it gets worse and more dangerous to your body. The anxiety attacks are coming much less frequently and not lasting as long now. They are still tiring, and I hope I haven't caused any serious permanent injury to myself.
I did finally confess to my partner what I have been doing and why I did not tell anyone about it. I don't know that I have given up drinking for ever but I need to give it up for now, for my health. I will have one and only one glass of wine at dinner on Christmas. We'll see what happens after that. Stay tuned.
Ok, to begin with, I have been having chest pains for over a year now. I am over-weight and only 34 (now).
It starts
I went to the ER once over a year ago after the pains were particularly bad and started hyperventilating and getting dizzy. The cardiology tests all came back negative.
Doctor decided to run a complete run up of my blood. While waiting for tests to come back chest pains were still present at times and panicky feeling. Test results were fine except blood pressure and liver functions. I didn't tell him about the pains or anxiety since heart problems had been ruled out. I did confess to him that I had recently become aware that I had been drinking a large amount of alcohol, about 1500ml vodka every 4-5 days. He asked if I had any family history of alcoholism. I said not that I knew of. He said ask around. I did. There isn't any. He asked me to stop drinking for 3 weeks and have the liver functions tested again. I did. Results were perplexing. One test got better, one worse. I was sent to a specialist.
Now I enjoy drinking. When the 3 week dry spell was up, I stopped drinking my usual Vodka drinks and started drinking only wine to keep consumption levels down. This worked. For a while. I gradually increased my consumption amounts, as I had done with the vodka, to "more than I should". Specialist was glad to hear that my drinking habits changed. I was tested again with up/down results. It was his conclusion that I was disease free and loosing weight and drinking less would fix my liver functions. I tried, and gave up. I wasn't ready to stop drinking. I enjoyed it too much. I didn't drink to get drunk, I enjoyed the flavor and feeling relaxed.
I never went back to the specialist. Didn't want any more lectures.
Flash to the present.
The pains have been getting worse for a couple of months, I'm obsessing about dying. I thought I was going to have a heart attack while on vacation in Texas in October, I thought I wasn't going to see my birthday in November. I thought I was going to die on Thanksgiving. I kept having the chest pains, the numb left arm, and the massive anxiety about all of it. I would calm myself down some by saying to myself it can't actually be my heart since I would be dead by now if it had been. Who has heart attacks that last over a year?
Reality starts to break through. (Hello, Mcfly)
In the last month I start to realize that once I start drinking the pain lessens, and the anxiety subsides. Two words start to echo in my head like a whisper on the wind, "alcohol withdrawal". I hear the words and think I should look it up online, and promptly forget to, for a while. Then it surfaces again during a particularly bad attack. Thanksgiving weekend I spent drinking Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. On Saturday I was filled with anxiety and did finally look it up online. Thanks to google and web pages like this and this I finally realized what was causing my symptoms.
The battle begins
Sunday morning the pains and anxiety begin before 3 am, I had been drinking most of the day on Saturday. I wake up and go down to the basement to surf the internet for a while. I go back to bed with my arm hurting and with some mild anxiety around 5. I wake up at 8:30 with the same discomfort. Around noon I am standing in the kitchen talking to my partner who is getting ready to tile the backsplash when I get a sudden brief dizzy spell, followed of course by a huge anxiety attack. That really scared me. I decided then and there that I needed to stop drinking. If all of this was caused by my drinking then I would prove it by stopping drinking. If it wasn't caused by my drinking then I would reluctantly go back to my doctor.
For the rest of that day I was regularly flooded with anxiety attacks that would make me go to the kitchen to be with my partner. In case something serious was actually to happen, I wanted someone around to fix it immediately. I didn't want to be found dead in the other room. Of course I didn't tell my partner what had been, and was, going on. I got quizzical looks and "you must be bored..." I didn't want my partner to worry about me, I was sure it would all pass. I was just being cautious. I went to bed that night, wired from adrenaline and completely exhausted from being on it all day.
The healing begins
I have to say that in the last 11 days I have not craved Alcohol at all. Nicotine actually left me craving. Alcohol, seems more like a missing habit. I miss not drinking the wine. I enjoyed the taste of it. But from what I read, every time you go through this it gets worse and more dangerous to your body. The anxiety attacks are coming much less frequently and not lasting as long now. They are still tiring, and I hope I haven't caused any serious permanent injury to myself.
I did finally confess to my partner what I have been doing and why I did not tell anyone about it. I don't know that I have given up drinking for ever but I need to give it up for now, for my health. I will have one and only one glass of wine at dinner on Christmas. We'll see what happens after that. Stay tuned.
distressing tale (Score:1)
Re:distressing tale (Score:1)
get better soon! (Score:1)
I think you are definitely doing the right thing. Maintain your focus, and reasons for quitting, and it will be easier.
Good luck to you, and keep us updated.
Re:get better soon! (Score:1)