just tired of keeping food journal. Ugh.

not terribly hungry, lost 4 pounds first week.

Tuesday Dinner
1/2 cornish game hen

Wednesday
Breakfast
Cheese Omlet

Lunch
pepperoni and 2 string cheese

Dinner
1 string cheese
some Muenster Cheese
some pork rinds
1 can tuna with mayo.

Not really hungry much today.

woke up and according to urine test strip, started Ketosis. YEAH!

Breakfast
2 hard boiled eggs
some pepperonni.
snack, one string cheese.

Lunch
wendy's classic tripple with cheese: no pickle/onion/katsup/roll
diet coke.
snack, string cheese.

Day one: 301 lbs

BREAKFAST
2 egg mcmuffins minus muffins, and most of cheese too
diet coke

LUNCH
Double Whopper w/cheese and bacon minus bun and tomato. (a little katsup(forgot to ask to hold))
diet coke

AFTERNOON snacks
couple handfulls of porkrinds
3 sticks of string cheese.
caffene free diet coke x2

Dinner

1 grilled t-bone steak
1 green leafy salad with parmesan ranch dressing
1 string cheese
some pepperoni
diet coke.

I have spent most of my adult life trying to find new ways of creating a certain "feeling". It's hard to describe the feeling, and the words I'm going to use only hint at what it is that I actually feel. Connected, Secure, Peaceful, Empowered. It is all of these things rolled into one feeling. It is always a fleeting moment with an afterglow that hints at what it was. The afterglow can last anywhere from a few moments to days depending on how long the moment lasts or how intense it was. On two occasions it was so intense it was coupled with a kind of spiritual orgasm that made my whole body tingle.

I don't remember the first time I felt it. I do know it has directed a lot of my actions in life either consciously or subconsciously. The main trigger has always been music. My current taste in music is a form of electronica called Trance with some heavy leanings toward Ambient and Experimental. There is a good chance that If I like a particular piece it is because at some level it is tickling that particular feeling switch. One of the times I had the orgasmic experience was to a particularly good piece of music that I had not listened to in a while. I was in a situation where I was able to really concentrate on the music and let it take me. The experience was unintentional and of course quite exhilarating. I immediately tried to recreate it but was unsuccessful. It appears that a recharge time is required, kind of like a male physical orgasm.

At various times I have tried different drugs to try and reproduce the feeling. In the past it was usually to escape the other feelings I was having. Dextromethorphan was able to induce a close approximation for prolonged periods of time and was a favorite of mine for several months. Much later I tried Candy flipping. That was successful but very impure and forced, with far too many distractions and the uneasy side affect of feeling NOTHING for the next 24 hours and slowly feeling normal again only a few days later.

For awhile I tried ritual to induce the feeling with some success. The most successful attempt was actually during an attempt at something else. I was in the navy with a terrible throat infection out at sea in the middle of the South China Sea. The seas were somewhat rough with some good wind. I went to the back of the ship which was closer to the water than the rest of the ship. I was going to use nature to get rid of the infection. I stood on the deck near the side of the ship with the wind and light sea spray blowing in my face. I was not the only one on the deck so the ritual had to be physically contained and done mostly in my head. Not a problem for me since I had gotten used to doing this on the ship anyway. As I was raising the energy I raised my arms up to a "T" position. As I reached the pinnacle of the raising a wave broke in front of me and sprayed me with sea water. At this moment I had my first spiritual orgasm. It was an VERY unexpected feeling. I tried to explain it to my friend who was watching and laughed at my getting a little wet. He already knew about my interests at the time but this was just a little too weird for him.

Over time I have started to refer to this feeling as "IT" and when not distracted by other things in life seem to be always on a quest for "IT". That somewhere out there in the world someone has found "IT" and knows exactly what I am feeling and how to make it happen all the time.

The rational side of me has recently begun to wonder if any of this is caused by memories created while fetal development is taking place, and that the various triggers created by external stimuli are activating deep memories formed while the brain is still developing and figuring out what to do with all the stimuli it receives. If this is truly the case then I would hate to think that all of this spiritual crap that mankind has created was simply a biological function of our brain remembering what the womb was like, and our longing to return.

I finally have the privacy I need to write this. It's Sunday morning, and I'm drinking my coffee and eating a Nonni's chocolate dipped biscotti.

Ugh, where to start. One of the sisters of my partner lives in Texas. Her daughter lives in Manhattan. Her son lives about 20 minutes from here in southern New Jersey. This sister is a retired state social worker who dealt with mentally handicapped persons. Her husband is a retire school teacher. The daughter is working as a teacher during the day and in the theater during the rest of the time, it is her life's passion. She has also been out of the closet for last couple of years.

Sister and Husband came up from Texas to be here at Christmas and see their kids. Partner and I drove Sister and husband to NYC to visit daughter before x-mas. While driving around Manhattan with daughter and parents and partner, daughter starts ranting about how what she has to teach to her students is wrong and the school books are evil, because they only teach about men. Women are almost completely left out, and when they are mentioned it is a very brief mention and usually in a negative way. Now in this car she is preaching to the converted, no one disagrees with her point, and her father tries to tell her to go beyond the books, which she has been doing anyway. The level of excitement and anger in her voice is slowly climbing and becoming more serious. Fortunately we reach our final destination and drop the three of them off at the Hotel.

A few day later it is x-mas eve and I volunteer to pick daughter up at bus station, Parents tag along, of course. On the way back there is an idiot in the left lane driving slowly with no one else in front of him and pacing the car on the right. I flash him, and he eventually speeds away. I speed back up to my driving speed and stay at that speed. Other car is still obviously accelerating away from me. Things are fine. Then other car slows down and is eventually right back in front of me. I assume he's going to speed up again when he sees me on his ass again that he will take off again. Which after a few minutes, he does. Daughter decides to ask why the hell I'm tailing this guy, why does anyone tail other people and Mom, you do it too, so tell me why you tailgate. She starts hounding us and when I won't respond she really digs into her mother at that same fevered pitch of anger and excitement from before. After a few minutes of mom telling her basically to mind her own business she seems to settle down. I kept quiet the rest of the way home.

X-mas day:
X-mas morning is smooth, we all get up (Partner, houseguest, Sister, husband, other Sister) and have breakfast and morning coffee. Friend arrives and all but the 2 kids (aged 26&27) and their dad goes to see TFOTR:TTT (see earlier post). We get back the three of them are watching old home movies and loving it. Partner and I begin finishing x-mas dinner. Over the din of the x-mas music playing, the cooking being done, and other conversations, Daughters voice can be heard slowly climbing above everyone else's as they discuss movies and actors (she went to college to be a director).

As an aside, when theses four people get together I cringe and try to leave the area. Dad is a retired teacher who has apparently (I've been told), spent most of these kids lives prodding them. Getting them to constantly explain their opinions on everything and incessantly prodding them to open up and express themselves while playing the protagonist. Mom tries to be social worker and soothe them afterwards. Unfortunately when the two children are together they either laugh hysterically at stuff or Argue about something. Rarely is there a middle ground. Even when separate, having discussions with them tends to dissolve into an argument, because that is all they seem to know about communication. Now, when the two of them are with their dad, all hell seems to break loose and the kids loose it. Dad is calm, but the kids pitches get fevered.

There is almost never yelling in our house, and most of the time when voices are raised it is because one or both of those two kids are in it. Generally my partner contributes to it much more than I will. Actually I won't contribute to it. I'll listen as long as I can stand, and if I can add anything to the conversation I will calmly do so, but I usually have to leave soon after because it just elevates. I hate hearing people yell.

Partner is having a rough go of things at work, and cooking is one of his ways of relaxing. His niece has now changed her rant back to how unfair it is living in a man's world, and how dad is just as much to blame as the rest of the world for her not being taught the important roles women have played in history. He is the reason she is so messed up. At this point, her voice could be heard everywhere in the house. I'm uncomfortable, Partner is uncomfortable, and he looses it. he rushes to the back door like he's going to leave but stops at the last second, turns and yells at her to "shut the f**k up". I've never heard him yell like he did that time. He immediately feels remorse for having lost control and walks back into the other room, apologizes, explains that he is stressed out, it's the holidays, and he'd really just like some civil conversation for today. He then walks back to the kitchen, breathing heavy and shaking. Again, I've never seen him this way so when he walks back out side i wait a minute grab his coat, bring it to him and ask if he wants me to stay or go. No response to the question, but he explains his side, and I of course tell him I understand. While we are out there, daughter shows up with coat on and putting on gloves and walks down driveway. Partner takes jacket and I leave them to talk.

I go inside. People inside think daughter has gone upstairs. I tell them she's gone outside for a walk. Partner shows up behind me. He tried to talk to her but she didn't want to talk. Mom gets her coat and looks for daughter. We continue to cook. After a bit, I happen to walk past the front door and hear daughter angrily and sobbingly "talking" with her mother. They come back inside some time later, and daughter goes to her room. Mom says she is staying there since she can't have a civil conversation and doesn't want to upset anyone else. She doesn't come down for dinner. She doesn't come down when presents are open and some are for her. She had planned to stay until Friday. She comes down late x-mas night for a plate of dinner and then takes it to her room with out talking to anyone. She doesn't leave her room on Thursday morning, till lunchtime as her mom fixes her some lunch. She opens her presents. She decides she wants to go home that day. She leaves with out saying thank you to me for the present or goodbye. Partner takes her to bus station with parents. She doesn't speak, she doesn't say goodbye to my partner. And to top it all off, she chose to have this personal rant while non-family members were in the house.

I debated posting this because I am trying to get passed it, but one of my houseguests on x-mas was memfree and I asked her to post what her side was. Her post is here.

Christmas Eve is 24 days with out a drink. I celebrate with an apple martini which takes me 2 hours to drink. Then I go to a family Christmas party. and have a couple of glasses of wine over 3 hours with food. I realize I got buzzed.

Christmas morning, a friend of mine, and some family and I go to see LOTR:TTT. Great movie! Since it's a movie that I am enjoying tremendously I'm more involved in the story than the technical aspects of making such a huge, epic movie. I will cut the film makers some slack. Getting a movie of this proportion even 90% correct when most of Hollywood can't get a film even 50% correct most of the time is a huge undertaking. No one is perfect, and given the fantasy genre of the movie, you should go into it with your belief suspended. Technical nitpicking on this movie is just petty.

Unfortunately during a crucial point in the movie my body reminded me of why I quit drinking in the first place. So, I failed that test miserably, and it looks like I'm going to have to wait even longer before the next test. On a good note, I was watching a cooking show I sometimes watch for a few minutes while surfing and was reminded of a product that I had seen in the grocery store. It is Fre. Fre is a de-alcoholed wine, or more accurately, it is a wine that has had the alcohol removed and a little bit put back. The process is interesting and you can read about it on their website. The cooking show had a wine "expert" on and he originally scoffed at the concept (as would I), but said that this brand was an acceptable replacement. I bought some yesterday. The premium white is a bit fruitier than I would like but you can actually tast the body of the wine, it isn't just grape juice. Tonight I try the Chardonnay. We shall see.

Prologue
Ok, to begin with, I have been having chest pains for over a year now. I am over-weight and only 34 (now).
It starts
I went to the ER once over a year ago after the pains were particularly bad and started hyperventilating and getting dizzy. The cardiology tests all came back negative.
Doctor decided to run a complete run up of my blood. While waiting for tests to come back chest pains were still present at times and panicky feeling. Test results were fine except blood pressure and liver functions. I didn't tell him about the pains or anxiety since heart problems had been ruled out. I did confess to him that I had recently become aware that I had been drinking a large amount of alcohol, about 1500ml vodka every 4-5 days. He asked if I had any family history of alcoholism. I said not that I knew of. He said ask around. I did. There isn't any. He asked me to stop drinking for 3 weeks and have the liver functions tested again. I did. Results were perplexing. One test got better, one worse. I was sent to a specialist.
Now I enjoy drinking. When the 3 week dry spell was up, I stopped drinking my usual Vodka drinks and started drinking only wine to keep consumption levels down. This worked. For a while. I gradually increased my consumption amounts, as I had done with the vodka, to "more than I should". Specialist was glad to hear that my drinking habits changed. I was tested again with up/down results. It was his conclusion that I was disease free and loosing weight and drinking less would fix my liver functions. I tried, and gave up. I wasn't ready to stop drinking. I enjoyed it too much. I didn't drink to get drunk, I enjoyed the flavor and feeling relaxed.
I never went back to the specialist. Didn't want any more lectures.
Flash to the present.
The pains have been getting worse for a couple of months, I'm obsessing about dying. I thought I was going to have a heart attack while on vacation in Texas in October, I thought I wasn't going to see my birthday in November. I thought I was going to die on Thanksgiving. I kept having the chest pains, the numb left arm, and the massive anxiety about all of it. I would calm myself down some by saying to myself it can't actually be my heart since I would be dead by now if it had been. Who has heart attacks that last over a year?
Reality starts to break through. (Hello, Mcfly)
In the last month I start to realize that once I start drinking the pain lessens, and the anxiety subsides. Two words start to echo in my head like a whisper on the wind, "alcohol withdrawal". I hear the words and think I should look it up online, and promptly forget to, for a while. Then it surfaces again during a particularly bad attack. Thanksgiving weekend I spent drinking Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. On Saturday I was filled with anxiety and did finally look it up online. Thanks to google and web pages like this and this I finally realized what was causing my symptoms.
The battle begins
Sunday morning the pains and anxiety begin before 3 am, I had been drinking most of the day on Saturday. I wake up and go down to the basement to surf the internet for a while. I go back to bed with my arm hurting and with some mild anxiety around 5. I wake up at 8:30 with the same discomfort. Around noon I am standing in the kitchen talking to my partner who is getting ready to tile the backsplash when I get a sudden brief dizzy spell, followed of course by a huge anxiety attack. That really scared me. I decided then and there that I needed to stop drinking. If all of this was caused by my drinking then I would prove it by stopping drinking. If it wasn't caused by my drinking then I would reluctantly go back to my doctor.
For the rest of that day I was regularly flooded with anxiety attacks that would make me go to the kitchen to be with my partner. In case something serious was actually to happen, I wanted someone around to fix it immediately. I didn't want to be found dead in the other room. Of course I didn't tell my partner what had been, and was, going on. I got quizzical looks and "you must be bored..." I didn't want my partner to worry about me, I was sure it would all pass. I was just being cautious. I went to bed that night, wired from adrenaline and completely exhausted from being on it all day.
The healing begins
I have to say that in the last 11 days I have not craved Alcohol at all. Nicotine actually left me craving. Alcohol, seems more like a missing habit. I miss not drinking the wine. I enjoyed the taste of it. But from what I read, every time you go through this it gets worse and more dangerous to your body. The anxiety attacks are coming much less frequently and not lasting as long now. They are still tiring, and I hope I haven't caused any serious permanent injury to myself.
I did finally confess to my partner what I have been doing and why I did not tell anyone about it. I don't know that I have given up drinking for ever but I need to give it up for now, for my health. I will have one and only one glass of wine at dinner on Christmas. We'll see what happens after that. Stay tuned.

At my usual Wednesday client, I am informed by the head honcho, that it has been brought to my attention that I don't seem to be terribly thorough in my work. I was a bit floored by this since I am usually very thorough in my work. So, I asked for some examples, since I thought I was doing a fine job. One example was given and I explained my side of it, and it boiled down to miscommunication. But then he brought up another example a few minutes later that was completely true. I rebooted a server last week, and didn't wait for it to come up. I just left for the day.

I was nailed. And I knew it last Wednesday when it happened, that I had fucked up. Fortunately this honcho felt like letting me in on this, instead of going straight to my bosses. This would have been my first "bad mark" in the 3.5 years with the company.

I agree that that was a large snafu, but it was also easily fixed, fortunately. But I was left wondering how one defends against accusations without sounding defensive or sounding like there is an excuse for everything.... enh, I'll figure it out at some point.