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Journal btlzu2's Journal: Is this weird? 18

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I hope this isn't taken wrong at all, but sometimes I miss the point right after my divorce when I started fighting back. I was suffering horribly at that time, yet, looking back, that's when I found myself again. I really, in retrospect, enjoyed some of that time when the pain eased back a bit. I was recording music, just starting to go to school, making tons of new friends, doing whatever the hell I wanted...it was pretty incredible.

I discovered how much I liked to program and learned how to develop Unix apps (non-GUI) using system calls. Yeah, that's a particularly geeky thing, but shit was it fun! I got into all types of movies and just did whatever I wanted.

Now, I have fdb and she's the most supportive, caring, and thoughtful woman I've met in a LONG time. Naturally, my life is changing because of having her. I'm worried that I will not be able to grow anymore. Can you still grow as a person while putting your spouse first? Should you have been the person you're always going to be before you get married? I feel like I'll never stop understanding new things about myself because I haven't lived a lot.

I'm not really asking for advice or anything. I'm just getting my thoughts down. If I have any chance of growing and being me, it's with fdb. She's very independent and understands me a lot. I just have a tendency to give of myself an awful lot and in the process, lose myself. I don't want to do that. At least I'm aware of it, so hopefully, I can stay the course. :)

This discussion was created by btlzu2 (99039) for no Foes, but now has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

Is this weird? More

Is this weird?

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  • You're giving far too much credit to circumstances. Growth is always a choice. You chose to take back your life after the divorce. With or without fdb, what happens next is up to you.
  • You can certainly grow with a SO in your life, within reasonable limits. If one of your growth options requires you to lock yourself up with youe computer for 15 hours a day, that may not work to keep her around for long.

    Think of it as a business. Every year I am required to develop a growth plan which I present to my manager. We look at it, discuss the points, decide what is reasonable, and set goals. If you have areas in your life you with to develop, be sure to discuss them with your SO. I'm sure she'd
  • Can you still grow as a person while putting your spouse first?
    Depends on her cooking - if its good,, you're going to have to watch out our you'll grow out of your clothes.

    Seriously, your personality was mostly set by the age of 3; it's just that, as time goes on, you learn new habits and ways of acting/reacting.

    So don't sweat it - it's not like you're going to change/be able to change, anyway, at least not on the most basic level.

  • If you neglect yourself, you are, bottom line, hurting the relationship. Change and growth are good for the relationship. But you have to make sure that you are sharing that growth. Each party has to understand and appreciate the other, and to live with the changes that occur.

    Be careful of the tendency to give too much. A balance is essential. Submerging yourself does not do her any good, and it certainly is not positive for you. It may make things smooth in the short run, but will cause problems
  • interesting, can't say I know completely what you are talking about. Yes, I'm starting to taste what independence is all about, and its not quite as bitter as it was 5 weeks ago.

    I think SW is right, growth is a choice, and if you choose to grow... well, just by reading about fdb... she'll even love you more for that, because she'll be along for the journey, and everyone loves a good journey.

    • I don't think you can quite understand it without perspective. I wouldn't have at your point of grief. It's the things you remember you went through and learned on your own. Maybe it's just me. I think of being really sad and I would get out my guitar and just record something and add harmonies and guitar parts and I'd be so happy during that. Or finishing a really tough assignment and starting to realize I wasn't shit.

      It's things I learned about myself that made the situation tolerable and worthwhile
  • Can you still grow as a person while putting your spouse first?

    Absolutely. There is a balance that you need where ultimately you need to put yourself first, so that you can give your spouse the best of yourself.

    Should you have been the person you're always going to be before you get married?

    I'm not sure that's possible, because as TL says, change is inevitable. If you aren't learning, you're dying. And hopefully, you and your spouse are growing together.

    I feel like I'll never stop understanding new

  • Most of what I see in my past as "growth" that I recognized was such at the time was response to (emotional) pain. I think that's what you're looking back and seeing--fast, rapid change in your life that was a reaction to pain.

    That doesn't mean that you don't grow in other ways with your spouse/partner. Shared pain is one way that you'll notice immediately, but hopefully you won't have much of that. But just because you aren't picking up "new interests" or finally getting off your butt and doing somethin

  • If you don't grow in a marriage, you won't survive it.

  • I'm in the same boat as you - but I don't think it is as easy as everyone else is making out here.

    I get the feeling that when you speak of growth, what you really mean is the freedom to choose to grow in any way, at any time. And if that is the case, I think that this changes greatly once you are in a 'permanent' relationship/family.

    I can barely speak for myself, so maybe it is different for everyone else here - but it seems to me that being in a relationship entails planning. Having kids (I'm pretty su
    • Once again, we're on the same wavelength! :) Although, I'm WELL aware that plans at the drop of a hat cannot always be made. Luckily, we both don't think we're going to have kids, so we can be more flexible.

      fdb = Fiancee de btlzu2 :)

      Thanks for your reply!
  • you should couple, procreate, raise your spawn, and watch television for the rest of your life.

    You have your orders, you may go now.
  • Comment removed based on user account deletion
  • because she will put you first. [or she should anyway]. also, putting her first requires that you grow. it wouldn't be fun for her if you didn't. like they always say, in a good relationship, you bring out the best in each other.
  • In different ways that is. What you feel is not the lack of growth, what you feel is less time for yourself. That's not the same thing.

    I have much less time for myself too: less slashdot, less surfing, no programming at all, and my server gets a bit less attention. Of course, the main reason for that is SmilingGirl. However, I do now other things with my time. Things I didn't do before, like going for a walk with her, go to the movies, plays, etc... You see, the growth is different, it's not gone.

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