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Journal bellus quies's Journal: Advice, please! 26

Journal by bellus quies

I need advice, broadly and liberally applied to my quandry. Also, any personal experiences and anecdotes would be very appreciated.

How the fuck so I say this....(damnit)

Situation: I'm at the starting of a new relationship. Well not new entirely, because I've known him for a couple of years. Whatever, read mys last couple of JE's to figure that one out. But mu history with regards to men is quite limited. Having been raised from a strict Mormon (LDS) background, and having followed the rules and such while I still considered myself Mormon. My Mother didn't allow make-up untill 12, group dating untill 14, dating untill 16. Add on top of that the whole body is evil until your married then it's okey-dokey. Whatever...argh. Combine that with being shy and overweight in my teens amoung other assortments of excuses and reasons, blah, blah, blah. So this leaves me at 24, finally coming into my own and never have had kissed a guy. Damn it's hard admitting that. But ya, that's one of the reasons why I'm so flustered, it's new.

Question: What is the best way to communicate this to him? I've had people tell me things from-
A-"this is a cool, 1 time opportunity for him to show you the ropes and he should enjoy that process"
B-"white lies are OK, noone will blame you in this situation"
C-"just kiss him, don't worry if you giggle, I do sometimes"
D-"just tell him that you are flustered and that this is new, so don't take your hesitation negativly"
E-"tell him something, you don't want him to take your tension as rejection of his advances"

What I want to happen: I want to let him know in the most tactful way possible regarding this, and to take things slow to be able to take it all in.

What is happening: I'm worrying too much about what-if's again. Bloody, fucking, contrived drama!!! Yes, I am frustrated, and I though I wish for an easy solution, I don't think that one exists.

I've got a meeting to run to so I'm submitting this without spell checking so that I get it out there before I rewrite it all and go over everything, blah.

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Advice, please! More

Advice, please!

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  • Just tell the truth exactly as you did here.

    If he's a good guy and from the sound of it he is, he won't mind at all.

    I believe your fears are unfounded BQ.

    Don't sweat the little stuff.

    Enjoy.
  • Pretty simple: be honest. Go at your own pace and do/say only what comfortable doing or saying.

    It's never easy and there's always the "butterflys" and the worrying in the beginning... but there's also the sweetness and newness. And things like him sending you poems and romance and fun.

    Try not to overly think any situation. Try to simply enjoy your time with this person. And remember MOST of the feelings you have and concerns you may be experiencing: he is as well.

    Hope you keep smiling. ;)
    • Yeah, I gotta go with Dayton on this one...

      There's really no need to come out and tell the guy "Hey, BTW, I've never kissed anyone and I don't know what the hell I'm doing!" unless you feel it's really important...if he respects & likes you, then things can be pretty chill for a while.

      Again, with the Dayton-meister, the most important rule is not to overthink. If you find yourself thinking about a specific nuance, you're overthinking. If you're worried about exactly what words he said, you're over

    • I agree with Dayton as well.

      Every relationship brings new experiences, it's just that you are have more newness than him. It's nothing to be embarassed of, nor does is necessarily need words to explain it. It's all good and natural, and that's the way it will happen. Just take things at a pace that makes you comfortable. And don't forget to enjoy yourself. :)
      • Every relationship brings new experiences, it's just that you are have more newness than him. It's nothing to be embarassed of, nor does is necessarily need words to explain it.

        Thanks. I needed to hear that. I just assumed the newness wouldn't be there for him, I guess I was mistaken. Just different types of new things.

      • well said.
    • be honest. Go at your own pace and do/say only what comfortable doing or saying

      I was also thinking along those lines. If I follow my instincts, I'm rarely let down. It's when I overanalyze the simplicity that I get muddled up.

      • If I follow my instincts, I'm rarely let down.
        Fortunately this is a good situation to let hormones and instinct mostly take over.

        Do the first thing that occurs to you, try to enjoy yourself, and don't think too much.

        Also if you've known him for a while I presume he is somewhat familiar with your background and shouldn't be too shocked by your lack of experience.
        • Fortunately this is a good situation to let hormones and instinct mostly take over

          In my book instinct and intuition are interchangeable. I wouldn't say it's completly hormonal, but I won't say that it isn't.

          Also if you've known him for a while I presume he is somewhat familiar with your background and shouldn't be too shocked by your lack of experience

          I'm not so cetain on that one. I would say he is a friend, but not quite a confidant, not back then anyways. We joked around in the office, and chat

          • In my book instinct and intuition are interchangeable.

            Fair enough.

            I wouldn't say it's completly hormonal, but I won't say that it isn't.

            Perhaps "hormones" wasn't the best term to use. When you getting involved with someone, particularly when intimate such as kissing or beyond, there is a physiological response to the situation. Sometimes it is best to just let the response take over or to do what generates more response or a more intense response.

            Sorry I'm having a hard time describing what I mean wi
            • Perhaps "hormones" wasn't the best term to use. When you getting involved with someone, particularly when intimate such as kissing or beyond, there is a physiological response to the situation. Sometimes it is best to just let the response take over or to do what generates more response or a more intense response

              physiological is the perfect way to put it. Yep, something I had thought then was, "Damn, I didn't know my skin could feel like that!" And that was just with his hand around my waist. ... a more

  • Tell him what you just told us. Don't be ashamed that you aren't more 'experienced'. There are a lot of people who are way too experienced at your age and now regret it.

    I personally have only ever been in 2 relationships and I've known both people for over 6 years now, not that we keep in close touch or anything but we still talk. The first gf I started dating when I met her, I was 16 and have known her since ( now almost 24 ), the second I met when I was 17 and started dating her last summer till this
  • ...You don't really have to tell him if you don't want to. When I was kissed for the first time (golly, I don't even remember when/who that was...) I didn't tell the guy. Admittedly, it was probably when I was 12 or 13, but still...

    The very best guys are the ones that ask if it's all right to kiss you goodnight at the close of a date, or at the very least make it blatantly obvious that's what they intend to do. It's incredibly sweet, it's a guy's way of making sure you're ok with everything, and you'll
  • I'm echo'ing the 'tell him the same way you told us.' If you want a relationship, this guy should be a friend first. You should be able to talk to him like a friend. Communication is the 'major mojo' of relationships. I can tell my wife anything. Don't be afraid to be you. Tell him the way you would tell your sister or best friend.

  • While not raised LDS, my whole family is Mormon so I understand the dilemma. I never dated till I was 23 and my first kiss ended up being my wife. 7 years later we have a fantastic relationship but it has taken a lot of work to get here and there is a lot of work ahead of us. Relationships start and are sustained in the same way: communication. Be honest with yourself and with your interest. If you really like the guy, tell him you want to pursue your relationship more closely/intimately. If he doesn'

    • Thanks, it's good to know that I'm not the only one that has been in this situation.

      Relationships start and are sustained in the same way: communication. Be honest with yourself and with your interest

      But that's the hardest part, being honest with myself. I know when I lie to others, but often not to myself.

      As was said previously, you have got it down pat. If you plan to be tactful and honest, you will be successful. Good luck.

      Again, thank you.

  • I envy this guy for dating you. I wish I could date a girl like you. All the embarassments and flustering probably makes you look so cute.
  • If it's just the kiss your worried about now (as it seems), I wouldn't bring it up until after you've kissed him, then let him know. Trust me, he'll feel like the most special man in the world if he finds out like that.

    If he is more 'experienced' (for lack of better term) and especially if he really does like you, he may feel like he doesn't want to 'ruin' you or take advantage of your innocence if he finds out ahead of time.

    'Course, the fact that you are religious, especially Morman, probably precludes
    • If it's just the kiss your worried about now (as it seems), I wouldn't bring it up until after you've kissed him, then let him know. Trust me, he'll feel like the most special man in the world if he finds out like that.

      I was contemplating that. I'm pretty much just going to see what happens, if it comes up in conversation before, fine, if afterwards, that's ok too.

      'Course, the fact that you are religious, especially Morman, probably precludes you from this ex-catholic-now-highly-atheist's standard rout

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