Journal Journal: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the SCO Case
I was thinking about the SCO case and their recent demand to prolong the case till Sep. 2005 and all the FUD they spread, and how they keep changing their minds about what they are suing IBM for and I thought it would make a good parody of the Deep Thought scene from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, so here it is:
Journalist 1: Oh great Judge Wells, the task we have commisioned you for is this: We want you to tell us "The Answer"
Wells: "The Answer?" .... The Answer to what?
Journalist 2: SCO...
Journalist 1: Linux...
Journalist 2: and Everything...
Wells: Tricky...
Journalist 2: But, can you do it?
Wells: Yes, I can do it.
Journalist 1: You mean, there *is* an answer? A simple answer?
Wells: Yes. SCO, Linux, and everything... There is an answer.
Journalist 1: There is an answer, at last--
Wells: But, I'll have to think about it.
SCO: WE DEMAND ADMISSION!
Journalist 2: Now what?
SCO's Lawyer: Come on, you can't keep us out!
SCO: WE DEMAND THAT YOU CAN'T KEEP US OUT!
Journalists: Who are you? Get out of here!
SCO's Lawyer: I am SCO's Lawyer
SCO: AND I DEMAND THAT I AM SCO
SCO's Lawyer: It's alright, you don't need to demand that.
SCO: Alright. I am SCO, and that is a solid fact. What we demand is solid facts.
SCO's Lawyer: No,no we don't. That is precisely what we don't demand.
SOC: WE DON'T DEMAND SOLID FACTS. WHAT WE DEMAND IS A TOTAL ABSENCE OF SOLID FACTS. I demand, that i may... or may not... be SCO.
Journalist 2: Who ARE you?
SCO's Lawyer: We own UNIX and rights to Linux.
SCO: Though we may not!
SCO's Laywer: Yes we DO! We are most DEFINITELY here as representatives of SCO and we want this case prolonged and we want it prolonged now!
SCO: WE DEMAND THAT YOU COME TO US FOR INFORMATION!
Journalist 2: Well, what's the problem?
SCO's Lawyer: I'll tell you what the problem is, mate, deprication, that's the problem.
SCO: WE DEMAND THAT DEPRICATION MAY OR MAY NOT BE THE PROBLEM.
SCO's Lawyer: You just let the judges decide civil matters, and we will take care of the internal varities, thank you very much. By Law, SCO owns UNIX and all rights to anything similar. Any judge that figures out we dont and We're straight out of a job, aren't we? I mean, what's the use of us sitting around for half the night arguing wether we may--
SCO: or may not--
SCO's Lawyer: have the right to liscense Linux, if this judge just goes and gives you the code in the morning?
SCO: THAT'S RIGHT! WE DEMAND RIGIDLY DEFINED AREAS OF DOUBT AND UNCERTAINTY!
Wells: Might I make an observation at this point?
SCO's Lawyer: You keep out of this book worm!
SCO: WE DEMAND THAT THIS JUDGE NOT BE ALLOWED TO THINK ABOUT THIS CASE!
*thunder clap*
Wells: If I might make an observation? All I wanted to say was this: My brain is now irrevocably committed to finding the answer to the the ultimate answer of SCO, Linux, and everything. But, it will take me a little while to sort through all the information.
Journalist 2: How long?
Wells: Seven... and a half--
Journalist 1: What not till next week?
Wells: years.
Journalist 1+2: How long?
Wells: I said I'd have to think about it and it occurs to me that judging a case like this will cause considerable interest in the whole area of Linux liscenses, yes?
SCO's Lawyer: Keep talking...
Wells: Everyone is going to have their own theory as to the answer I'm eventually going to come up with. And who better to capitalize on that media market than you yourselves? So long as you can push Linux Liscenses onto several large companies, and so long as you can pump you're stock up to inflate its price beyond all reasonable high's, and so long as you have good benefits packages, you can keep yourselves on the gravy train for life!
SCO's Lawyer: Bloody Hell, now that's what I call thinking. SCO, how come we never think of things like that?
SCO: DOn't know. Think our brains are just too highly trained I think.
*Seven and a half years later*
New Journalist 1: The time is nearly upon us.
New Journalist 2: Seven and a half years we've waited.
New Journalist 1: Seven and a half years since our boss' set this case in motion and in all that time we shall be the first to hear the judge speak.
New Journalist 2: It's an awesome prospect.
New Journalist 1: Judge Wells is about to speak.
Wells: Good Evening.
New Journalist 1+2: Good evening.
New Journalist 2: Oh, Judge Wells, do you... have you...?
Wells: An answer for you? Yes I have.
New Journalist 1: There really is one?
Wells: There really is one.
New Journalist 1: To everything, the secret of Linux and SCO and everything?
Wells: Yes.
New Journalist 2: And are you ready to give it to us?
Wells: I am.
New Journalist 2: Now?
Wells: Now.
New Journalist 1: Wow!
Wells: Though I don't think you're going to like it.
New Journalist 2: It doesn't matter, we must know it.
Wells: Now?
New Journalist 2: Yes. Now.
Wells: Alright..........
Journalist 2: Well?
Wells: You're really not going to like it.
New Journalist 1: Tell us.
Wells: The answer to the great question...
New Journalist 1: Yes?
Wells: of Linux, SCO, and everything....
New Journalist 1: Yes?
Wells: is...
New Journalist 2: Yes?
Wells: is...
New Journalist 1+2: Yes?
Wells: Forty-Two! It was tough case.
New Journalist 1+2: Fourty-Two????
New Journalist 2: Is that really all you have to show for seven and a half years work?
Wells: I think the problem is that you never really know what the case is about, since SCO keeps changing it.
New Journalist 2: But it was the great case, the ultimate case of Linux, SCO, and everything. Wells: Yes. But what actually is it about?
New Journalist 1: Well..... Just everything.... You know... Everything.
Wells: Exactly. You have to know what the case actually is, in order to know what the outcome is.
New Journalist 1: Well, can you please tell us what the case is about?
Wells: The ultimate case?
New Journalist 2: Yes!
Wells: of Linux, SCO, and everything?
New Journalist 2: Yes.
Wells: Tricky.
New Journalist 2: *But* *can* *you* *do it?*
Wells: No. But, I'll tell you who can.
New Journalist 2: Tell us.
New Journalist 1: Tell us.
Wells: I speak of none but the court that stands above me. The court who's Justices I am not worthy to think about. But, I will refer it for you. A court that can find the ultimate case of Linux, SCO, and everything to which's outcome is fourty-two. And I shall refer it unto you for I speak of none other than the US Supreme Court!
New Journalist 2: Oh what a dull name.
Journalist 1: Oh great Judge Wells, the task we have commisioned you for is this: We want you to tell us "The Answer"
Wells: "The Answer?"
Journalist 2: SCO...
Journalist 1: Linux...
Journalist 2: and Everything...
Wells: Tricky...
Journalist 2: But, can you do it?
Wells: Yes, I can do it.
Journalist 1: You mean, there *is* an answer? A simple answer?
Wells: Yes. SCO, Linux, and everything... There is an answer.
Journalist 1: There is an answer, at last--
Wells: But, I'll have to think about it.
SCO: WE DEMAND ADMISSION!
Journalist 2: Now what?
SCO's Lawyer: Come on, you can't keep us out!
SCO: WE DEMAND THAT YOU CAN'T KEEP US OUT!
Journalists: Who are you? Get out of here!
SCO's Lawyer: I am SCO's Lawyer
SCO: AND I DEMAND THAT I AM SCO
SCO's Lawyer: It's alright, you don't need to demand that.
SCO: Alright. I am SCO, and that is a solid fact. What we demand is solid facts.
SCO's Lawyer: No,no we don't. That is precisely what we don't demand.
SOC: WE DON'T DEMAND SOLID FACTS. WHAT WE DEMAND IS A TOTAL ABSENCE OF SOLID FACTS. I demand, that i may... or may not... be SCO.
Journalist 2: Who ARE you?
SCO's Lawyer: We own UNIX and rights to Linux.
SCO: Though we may not!
SCO's Laywer: Yes we DO! We are most DEFINITELY here as representatives of SCO and we want this case prolonged and we want it prolonged now!
SCO: WE DEMAND THAT YOU COME TO US FOR INFORMATION!
Journalist 2: Well, what's the problem?
SCO's Lawyer: I'll tell you what the problem is, mate, deprication, that's the problem.
SCO: WE DEMAND THAT DEPRICATION MAY OR MAY NOT BE THE PROBLEM.
SCO's Lawyer: You just let the judges decide civil matters, and we will take care of the internal varities, thank you very much. By Law, SCO owns UNIX and all rights to anything similar. Any judge that figures out we dont and We're straight out of a job, aren't we? I mean, what's the use of us sitting around for half the night arguing wether we may--
SCO: or may not--
SCO's Lawyer: have the right to liscense Linux, if this judge just goes and gives you the code in the morning?
SCO: THAT'S RIGHT! WE DEMAND RIGIDLY DEFINED AREAS OF DOUBT AND UNCERTAINTY!
Wells: Might I make an observation at this point?
SCO's Lawyer: You keep out of this book worm!
SCO: WE DEMAND THAT THIS JUDGE NOT BE ALLOWED TO THINK ABOUT THIS CASE!
*thunder clap*
Wells: If I might make an observation? All I wanted to say was this: My brain is now irrevocably committed to finding the answer to the the ultimate answer of SCO, Linux, and everything. But, it will take me a little while to sort through all the information.
Journalist 2: How long?
Wells: Seven... and a half--
Journalist 1: What not till next week?
Wells: years.
Journalist 1+2: How long?
Wells: I said I'd have to think about it and it occurs to me that judging a case like this will cause considerable interest in the whole area of Linux liscenses, yes?
SCO's Lawyer: Keep talking...
Wells: Everyone is going to have their own theory as to the answer I'm eventually going to come up with. And who better to capitalize on that media market than you yourselves? So long as you can push Linux Liscenses onto several large companies, and so long as you can pump you're stock up to inflate its price beyond all reasonable high's, and so long as you have good benefits packages, you can keep yourselves on the gravy train for life!
SCO's Lawyer: Bloody Hell, now that's what I call thinking. SCO, how come we never think of things like that?
SCO: DOn't know. Think our brains are just too highly trained I think.
*Seven and a half years later*
New Journalist 1: The time is nearly upon us.
New Journalist 2: Seven and a half years we've waited.
New Journalist 1: Seven and a half years since our boss' set this case in motion and in all that time we shall be the first to hear the judge speak.
New Journalist 2: It's an awesome prospect.
New Journalist 1: Judge Wells is about to speak.
Wells: Good Evening.
New Journalist 1+2: Good evening.
New Journalist 2: Oh, Judge Wells, do you... have you...?
Wells: An answer for you? Yes I have.
New Journalist 1: There really is one?
Wells: There really is one.
New Journalist 1: To everything, the secret of Linux and SCO and everything?
Wells: Yes.
New Journalist 2: And are you ready to give it to us?
Wells: I am.
New Journalist 2: Now?
Wells: Now.
New Journalist 1: Wow!
Wells: Though I don't think you're going to like it.
New Journalist 2: It doesn't matter, we must know it.
Wells: Now?
New Journalist 2: Yes. Now.
Wells: Alright..........
Journalist 2: Well?
Wells: You're really not going to like it.
New Journalist 1: Tell us.
Wells: The answer to the great question...
New Journalist 1: Yes?
Wells: of Linux, SCO, and everything....
New Journalist 1: Yes?
Wells: is...
New Journalist 2: Yes?
Wells: is...
New Journalist 1+2: Yes?
Wells: Forty-Two! It was tough case.
New Journalist 1+2: Fourty-Two????
New Journalist 2: Is that really all you have to show for seven and a half years work?
Wells: I think the problem is that you never really know what the case is about, since SCO keeps changing it.
New Journalist 2: But it was the great case, the ultimate case of Linux, SCO, and everything. Wells: Yes. But what actually is it about?
New Journalist 1: Well..... Just everything.... You know... Everything.
Wells: Exactly. You have to know what the case actually is, in order to know what the outcome is.
New Journalist 1: Well, can you please tell us what the case is about?
Wells: The ultimate case?
New Journalist 2: Yes!
Wells: of Linux, SCO, and everything?
New Journalist 2: Yes.
Wells: Tricky.
New Journalist 2: *But* *can* *you* *do it?*
Wells: No. But, I'll tell you who can.
New Journalist 2: Tell us.
New Journalist 1: Tell us.
Wells: I speak of none but the court that stands above me. The court who's Justices I am not worthy to think about. But, I will refer it for you. A court that can find the ultimate case of Linux, SCO, and everything to which's outcome is fourty-two. And I shall refer it unto you for I speak of none other than the US Supreme Court!
New Journalist 2: Oh what a dull name.
