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Journal Xerithane's Journal: Why I love Oregon... 24

Journal by Xerithane

As you can tell by the title, this is no doubt going to deal with lots of sarcasm. The truth is, no matter how sarcastic I am, I do love Oregon. Oregon is a wonderful place. The Pacific Northwest is great, it's beautiful. The only bad thing about Oregon are Oregonians. Now, not all Oregonians, just the ones that drive.

There is something about the roads here, and I'm pretty sure it's taken it's effect on me and I haven't noticed. You can take someone, any person, really. Said person could be Albert Einstein. They get behind a steering wheel, and suddenly they're next years candidate for the Special Olympics. It baffles me beyond any words can accurately portray. I know some of these people, and I know they're not stupid. I would hate to think that every driver is in fact as dumb as their driving would allow one to believe.

There are a few aspects of Oregon driving that reveal their may be other reasons for this seemingly unexcusable behavior. The first alternate explanation, and most likely in my mind, is that there are monsters on the road. They are just invisible to non-Oregonians. These monsters are ethereal, and they dwell in two places. The first is the right hand lane. Oregonians seem to have an utmost fear and loathing for the right hand lane. It seems to be something mortally stupifying to them, as they avoid it at all cost. It must be monsters. Now, I mentioned two places these monsters dwell, but the second isn't so much a place. Their also must be, "Monsters that live above 55 miles per hour." My rational for believe this is that if you exceed the above speed limit, the other drivers seem to think you are some sort of demon. Some pagan individual that is taunting the monsters, and that some how they, themselves, may be put in jeopardy by your daring nature of traveling at a pace of 65 miles per hour. Flashing lights, single deuce, and verbal warnings have no avail, because I still don't see the monsters.

The second explanation is a sense of friendly "No you first!" attidues that result in, metaphorically, two people standing in a door way insisting the other one goes first until they both go, collide, then back off and start the whole system again. The reason why I think this is unlikely, is because after about two cycles of this, the Oregonian driver will result to the flashing of lights, the deuces both in single and double fashion, and verbal threats against ones well being. It doesn't seem too friendly to me, but I could be mistaken on this.

The third reason, is that they are just too incredibly stoned, or awe-struck to continue on their way. Anything out of the ordinary, like a curve or, heaven forbid, a parked car on the shoulder, sets these people off into a tailspin of amazement and mental exceptions being thrown into the mix. I suspect the thoughts of the driver to go something along these lines:

"Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Holy Mother of Christ There is a Parked Car on the shoulder of the freeway I must stop and make sure that there is actually a parked car on the shoulder fo the freeway to ensure it is in fact a parked car on the shoulder of the freeway, and not actually a line in disguise but a car parked on the shoulder of the freeway. Oh, yeah, it's a parked car, time to speed up, but oh! There may be a monster, lets set the cruise at 45 to be safe and here we go... Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line, Line

I still vote for the fucking monsters, and I just can't see them. I suppose I need to spend a few years down in Eugene, smoking lots of pot, hugging a few trees, and then maybe I can see these wonderful demons of the road that plague these people. Then, just maybe, I can liberate them from the shackles imposed on these tyrants and trolls of the road. It's like the fucking Billy Goats Gruff meet Monsters, Inc.

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Why I love Oregon... More

Why I love Oregon...

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  • :o) (Score:1)

    by dthable ( 163749 )
    Seems your monsters have also started to migrate to Wisconsin. Just replace line with orange barrel and we're all set.

    • Oy. They're building that new bridge on 94 in Kenosha. Everyone's got to stop to look. That and wait until the last minute to merge over.

  • there be monsters here in miami too!
  • Instead of the normal State line sign I wanted to see:

    Now entering the State of Under Construction.
    Warning: This state is legally closed, drive at your own risk.

    The best joke I got was from one of my friends who kept saying "Picket Sign" every time we passed an "End Construction" sign. (It's all in how you pronounce it.)
  • Down here in Atlanta, people use the right lanes all the time - to pass those in the left lane who are moving too slow at 80 or 90 mph :-p
  • Comment removed based on user account deletion

    • It's not just San Diego. It's San Jose, too. I lived in San Jose for 1.5 years, and they were the same way... "OH NO! WATER FALL FROM SKY!" [immediate loss of driving ability, and minus 50 IQ points].

      All of California's bad. We just got back from Trinidad, CA (above Eureka). Every time we passed some idiot driver, they were fuzzy-haired middle aged women. With one exception -- a guy too worried about his HUGE bald spot to be able to drive sensibly.

      We took 101 all the way home. It was ok, until we got to

      • It's not just San Diego. It's San Jose, too. I lived in San Jose for 1.5 years, and they were the same way... "OH NO! WATER FALL FROM SKY!" [immediate loss of driving ability, and minus 50 IQ points].

        When I was in San Jose, the general methodology for driving went along the lines of:
        if ( some_unknown_variable() )
        speed = 100;
        else
        speed = 32;

        Never could figure out what the hell went through peoples heads.
        • The same methodology seems to apply on just about any freeway in California.

          The most interesting to me was the 70 MPH bumper to bumper traffic in LA. A little nerve wracking until you get used to it.

          "OH NO! WATER FALL FROM SKY!" [immediate loss of driving ability, and minus 50 IQ points]

          We have the same phenomena in Seattle except it's "OH NO! WHITE FLAKES FALL FROM SKY!". Except for the Californians we're mostly used to rain.
          • Comment removed based on user account deletion
            • Or my old boss' horror story about working in Sunnyvale and going to do his regular commute back up to Pleasant Hill, which, without traffic, can be done in about an hour. This particular day was the day before Thanksgiving. It took him 6 hours.

              Oh how I loved that drive. My mom worked in Fremont, and we were both living in the Sunnyvale/Mtn. View area. The traffic on the route is horrible.

              The worst up here is 26. It's the only freeway connecting the west side to downtown. That shouldn't be bad. It's
  • ...are the ones behind the wheel. I wrote about that [slashdot.org] a long time ago. (Would you rather have the opposite problems?)

    I'm going to lure you back to my good books yet, Xerithane! ;)
    • I'm going to lure you back to my good books yet, Xerithane! ;)

      Soon as you decide that not all yuppy's are bad. Just assholes ;-)
      • ...Yuppie and Asshole are synonyms. I've been living here most of my life; I guess it's biased my views.

        Are you reeeally a Yuppie, Xerithane? I wouldn't have thought most of them would be cool enough to hang out here... ;)
        • ...Yuppie and Asshole are synonyms. I've been living here most of my life; I guess it's biased my views.

          I think the distinction here is that not all Yuppie Assholes are, necessarily, bad.

          Are you reeeally a Yuppie, Xerithane? I wouldn't have thought most of them would be cool enough to hang out here... ;)

          I wear $200 shoes, $100 slacks, silk dress shirts, own a $1600 leather jacket, along with 2 other leather jackets, an array of cell phones and drive a Lexus. I'll let you decide :)
          • When I say "asshole" it automatically equals "bad," so I don't see how you can say "I think the distinction here is that not all Yuppie Assholes are, necessarily, bad." That said, not all Yuppies are assholes. I've met a few Yuppie non-assholes who were, incidentally, not from London. (The PIC's friend Bill from NJ springs to mind.) You don't, I assume, live here, or you'd probably know what I'm talking about more so than you seem to.

            I dunno, Xerithane, how do I know that you haven't sunk everything i
            • When I say "asshole" it automatically equals "bad," so I don't see how you can say "I think the distinction here is that not all Yuppie Assholes are, necessarily, bad." That said, not all Yuppies are assholes. I've met a few Yuppie non-assholes who were, incidentally, not from London. (The PIC's friend Bill from NJ springs to mind.) You don't, I assume, live here, or you'd probably know what I'm talking about more so than you seem to.

              Well, I fully admit that I'm an asshole. The difference is that I thin
  • What is the speed limit on the freeway in Oregon?

    In Washington when they raised it to 60 or 70 the joke was they were just raising the limits closer to what people actually drove. (75 in the middle of nowhere, 65 in town if possible but usually slower in the Seattle area due to traffic)

    That does explain all of the cars with Oregon plates going 45 in the far left lane up here ;-)
    • What is the speed limit on the freeway in Oregon?
      50 or 55 around city limits. 65 in rural areas.

      In Washington when they raised it to 60 or 70 the joke was they were just raising the limits closer to what people actually drove. (75 in the middle of nowhere, 65 in town if possible but usually slower in the Seattle area due to traffic)

      I love Seattle's express lane. The Bay Area desperately needs something like that, although I'm curious how many dumb ass Oregonians some how manage to get on it going the
      • 50 or 55 around city limits. 65 in rural areas.

        Thats, um, kind of slow. I went and checked and Oregon has the dubious distinction of being the Western state with the lowest speed limits.

        So I take it Oregonians still go 45 even where the speed limit is 65? It's been a while since I've driven down there except for Portland and cutting across the Northeast corner of the state in the middle of the night. I guess I wasn't paying attention to the speed limit when I was down there. In Portland it doesn't reall
        • So I take it Oregonians still go 45 even where the speed limit is 65? It's been a while since I've driven down there except for Portland and cutting across the Northeast corner of the state in the middle of the night. I guess I wasn't paying attention to the speed limit when I was down there. In Portland it doesn't really matter since you can't really go much faster than 55 during the day, and on 84 in the middle of the night who cares?
          Yes, they do. My brother lives south of Salem, so when I go visit it'
  • Only we can see the monsters, we call them massholes.

    We have the lefthand rule out here too. I drive frequently on the Mass Pike (Interstate 90) between MA and NY. Its peculiar, there is some floating invisible line between Albany, NY and the NY-MA state line which keeps the monsters from moving farther west on that road.

    Additionally, to note:
    I've lived in 3 of the 4 corners of the US, plus the center (soft filling). I have to say that the drivers here are most aggresive. IF there is half a car length bet
  • Deer flee freedom in Oregon? No, Geronimo - deer feel freed.

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