TechnoLust's Journal: Introspective ramblings...

I would love to be able to sit here and tell you that every decision I have ever made was made because it was the right thing to do, or because I thought that's what God would want me to do. This is my goal, however I am still only human and do let other factors influence my decisions obviously. So, as I'm apart from Boo, I'm writing about my life before she met me. Things I did, relationships (she already knows about all the love relationships that I pursued, I'm talking about friendships, family, etc.) I had, motivations and thoughts on things at the time. It's interesting to see how I've changed, but stayed the same. I've changed a lot of things in my life, but I'm still me.

Sunday night I was really missing Boo and quite frankly, I was really lonely. I said to myself, "Ok, so how did I deal with this BEFORE I met her?" Well, I spent time with friends, as I have been doing, but there was more to it than that. When I was lonely, I knew there was someone out there. I would think, "Tomorrow could be the day you meet HER." It really affected me. I know some of you might think that I'm this really strong moral guy whose faith can not be shaken (conversely, some of you might think me a bumbling idiot), but I do have moments of weakness. I remember a time when I was tempted with sex, and it wasn't the fact that I knew God didn't want me to have sex with this girl that stopped me. It was that I knew I wasn't in love with her and she wasn't the one, and I wanted to be true to my future wife. I know it sounds silly. I didn't want to "cheat" on someone I'd never even met! Please don't get me wrong, I do not want to come across as being judgemental of other people's lifestyles. It doesn't affect my opinion of you if you've had sex for pleasure, knowing you didn't love the person or not. I'm just saying, that isn't for me.

So now, I'm in the same position, except I'm stronger because I KNOW what I'm getting when it's time. I have held her and kissed her and heard her say, "I love you honey." and I've looked into her eyes and seen love and passion and desire. I've watched my voice sooth her, I've seen my touch and my kiss excite her, I've seen her eyes light up when I enter the room. Not that other girls haven't had similar feelings for me, but this is DIFFERENT. I'm not this strong. I wouldn't wait for someone else. I would already be in the hot tub with another girl, trying to forget. But I can't forget her, it's like she's already part of me. I think that's it. I really like who I am with her. As much as I tell you guys and try to be open, I'm even moreso with her. I'm comfortable being me, and I don't have to worry about her judging me. I KNOW she's going to love me. I miss being who I am with her.

I miss the physical things too. I miss her kissing my neck and ears. I miss her holding my hand and the way she used to rub my finger where my wedding ring will go and smile at me. I miss the way she hugged me the little things she did that only she does... the facial expressions, the gestures, etc. The way she walked, oh, the way she walked.

So, today is July 27th. It's 21 days until she starts back to school, and I will hopefully be able to contact her and she me. It's 233 days until she's 18 and she can move out and then we can see each other. So, I'm still just waiting. I hate not being with her, but I can't do anything to make it better, so I'll just wait on her. I love her so much... that's all I CAN do.

wow

[Em Emalb]

you've got some very interesting ideas and thoughts going on here.

Too bad they're all wrong.

Heh. I'm just kidding dude.

You gotta do what's right for TL.

Stay strong man. And keep on keepin on.

Re:wow

[TechnoLust]

you should hear some of the stuff I come out with when I'm inebriated. ;-)

Re:wow

[jawtheshark]

I'm waiting... ;-)

As Em says: you should do how you feel it right.

Re:wow

[TechnoLust]

We got a while still before the TL and Boo world tour. She said if you were a friend of mine, then she wants to meet you. :-)

Re:wow

[jawtheshark]

You tell your girlfriend about people on slashdot? Now that's weird. Mine knows about slashdot, but I never mention anyone by name.

But I'll take it as a compliment. ;-)

Re:wow

[VisorGuy]

My wife joined slashdot because I told her of the frinds I've met on here.

Her username is AhZuhl [slashdot.org].

Re:wow

[jawtheshark]

My girlfirend claims her english is too poor. I let her read some of my own journals, but she showed no interest in joining.

She doesn't like computers much.