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Journal SolemnDragon's Journal: Four hours, ten miles. And also... about therapy. 37

Journal by SolemnDragon

Yeah, you heard me. Four hours of comute this morning.

And only three of those hours were spent in the freezing cold.

However, thanks to my little red snowsuit and my remembering to bring an air-activated heat pack, i'm not as bad off as i might have been.

No, i couldn't just stay home- half the crew is doing just that, somebody's gotta be in. And my schedule's already messed up this week because of a doc appointment tomorrow.

My therapist had good ideas this week.

Among them: the need to start setting goal dates, for basic things like wearing something low-cut or pretty again (since this happened, i have dressed up pretty once. Yes, that was for lunch with folks in baltimore. I just have felt too vulnerable to think about it.) And to work on my anger- not on getting over it, but to FEEL it, to really stop and experience it. Am i angry? YES. I feel like that makes me a bad person. I'm trying to forgive this person but i really need to be angry with him first. I need to finish being outraged. Yeah, i'm sure he thinks i'm overreacting. I just no longer care. He doesn't understand how i can't even think about kissing anyone again, how messed up i am about everything remotely related to feeling earthy and sensual and good. How SCARED i am of all that, now. His counsellor may help him realise that, but that doesn't help me.

So... yeah. I'm angry. And i'm processing it. And being angry doesn't make me a bad person. Being disconnected doesn't make me broken. My therapist gave me some homework to do that's helping.

I'm not happy with how some friends have dealt with this, but i've been fortunate in that most have been truly supportive, as much as anyone could be. (N, thank you for letting me cry on you last night about my latest little adventure in healing feelings. *sigh*)

(Pfftopic: TL, i don't know how to relate to you any more. I miss the guy who would read me advice from the bible, and respected women to a fault. The new you makes me uneasy, and that bothers me. )

Back to topic: Blinder, you're right, thank you for the insight. At some point, it's time to stop calling it 'the incident' or 'what happened to me' and start calling it what it is. That's hard and it points out the limits of my ability to deal with this. Again.

Therapist points out that my feelings are not an overreaction. She expresses this a lot, because i'm still trying to excuse this violation somehow. She knows all the details, it's not like she has a skewed view of it. I told her EVERYTHING, even the positive history with this particular friend. She still says that i am not overreacting, and that this was still one of the most serious violations that can happen, and that i need to accept my anger. That it's a consequence, and one that i don't need to be shielding anyone from. He had a vote when i didn't.

I'm trusting her on this one. My gut tells me to listen.

So... that's what's been on my mind. It's been a long morning, and there was a two-foot-deep field of snow outside my front door.

I'm doing better hugging people as long as i'm the one to initiate it OR as long as i feel particularly safe, and i've been pretty able to communicate to those around me when i feel safe. This is progress. I'm getting better at communicating my feelings or even knowing what they are. I'm able to feel things in spite of the hurt, even new things.

It can't stay winter forever.

This discussion was created by SolemnDragon (593956) for no Foes, but now has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

Four hours, ten miles. And also... about therapy. More

Four hours, ten miles. And also... about therapy.

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  • my friend bill, who i don't actually hate at all, has a saying that is much more insightful than it sounds.

    anger is a gift.

    it allows us to do and see things in ways we wouldn't otherwise. sure, there is a very ugly side to anger, but it can be a huge help.

    hang in there. i don't know much, but it sounds like you're moving forward. that can never be bad.
  • The dressing pretty thing seems like a good route. I'm curious though, has this caused you to be less comfortable with yourself when you're alone? eg do you wear more clothing than before (taking the average temperatures into account ) when you are by yourself?
    • Yes. I'm more modest and less comfortable, even by myself.

      I feel less good about being in a body.
      • bodies are overated, let's all just trancend to beings of pure energy :D then we can zap the poor hapless who remain in physical bodies with bolts of energy from the heavens muahaha... or something like that... er was i trying to help?
      • You might be able to apply some of her suggestions to this too. I'm not sure of your living situation, but you could slowly stop wearing as much clothing. A piece at a time. I'm also not sure about your general nudity comfort level, but ideally the goal state would be to get to the point where you can sit around naked and be 'ok', or whatever your most comfortable [lack of] clothing level was before. This is also assuming you don't live with anyone

        A different way of doing this could be to take baths,
  • aren't adventures fun?
    i have this feeling that some day the adventures will become less of an "adventure" and more like a pleasant outing to a park or something... not this swinging from vines shit sailing over wild animals as they try to bite your feet off while the nazis take aim and open fire in your direction.

    like you always do, listen to your dreams.
  • Hi. How are you doing?

    I have some cigars I can burn for you, if it helps. Not that it would, but it's all i've got at the moment. That and this comment...

  • being angry doesn't make me a bad person

    This is absolutely and completely the truth. What you do with that anger - how you focus and use it - is what determines the kind of person you are. When a person takes anger and uses it as an excuse to harm another person or damage other people's property, that choice is what makes someone a bad person.

    As subgeek says, "Anger is a gift". It is nature's way of allowing us to respond to hurt. It gives us energy and motivation and enough aggressiveness to fight f
  • My pastor at church got his doctorate, with his thesis on emotions and biblical counseling. He would point out that anger is a valid emotion, which exists to motivate a person to action. Of course, one needs to be careful of the direction those actions lead....

    But in and of itself, anger is a proper, normal, expected emotion designed as a reaction to "hurt"*. So there is no reason to feel guilty about being angry.

    Watch what actions you are motivated toward, in response to your anger. Vengeance would be a

  • I am so proud of you! I can tell that you are making great progress with your therapy and everything. You are truely a brave dragon!

    PS: I don't know how you feel about virtual hugs, but if you want/need one then you can have this one *hug*

  • 1) I wish you had said this in an email instead of here, but that's ok.
    2) I don't think you want to hear what the Bible has to say about what to do when when what happened to you happened to women in that time.
    3) You have no idea how much I respect the relatively few women that deserve it. LeAnne being one of them. I have never made a pass at her and I don't stare at her chest like most other guys do. I respect her as a person because a) she doesn't use me, b) she is loyal to her boyfriend, and c) she
    • in regard to number 3, do you also apply this to the males that you meet ? if so, why not generalize the thought and say " people I do not respect " or " people who I do respect " .

      do you respect yourself at this point in your life ?

      • Yes, I apply this to males also, the reason I didn't generalize was that the original comment said I didn't respect women. If it had mentioned males or said people, I'd have changed the wording.

        As for my self respect, I do in most things, most of the time. There are times when I don't like the fact that I let myself be hurt by so many people, over and over again. I'm smarted than that and I know better. But people keep coming up with new ways to hurt me, and I keep letting them.

    • People deserve respect just because they are human. That does not mean that you have to date them. But how you treat people does not say anything about them, only about you. Work on treating people better than they deserve; perhaps they will do the same for you. My experience has been that it does work. Where it doesn't, I move on.

      I think that's about all I care to say in public about this post.
      • I always have. I still do, but TREATING them one way and RESPECTING them is something different. I wish it worked that if you treated people better than they deserve they will do the same for you. I've found that more often than not if you treat someone better than they deserve, they try to take advantage of you. At least that's been my experience. I don't care. I expect it. But I save my honest heartfelt respect for those that don't try to take advantage of people.

        As for saying anything else in pub

        • There's something wrong with my site-based email. It may be a DNS propagation issue, but I'm not getting mail from some originators (like /.). And gmail is blocked from work these days, so it will be tonight before I can send.

          I see what you're saying about respect, though I'm not sure I completely agree.
    • 1, i've even tried talking it out over the phone, and will likely again.

      2, *sigh* we'll skip two. I'm not marrying him. Or killing him.

      3, You have no idea how much I respect the relatively few women that deserve it. TL, that's an awful thing to say and i want to wash your mouth out with SOAP for it.

      4, I still love you, but you got there because you walked there, and you weren't given a license to be an ass, you're doing that ALL ON YOUR OWN.

      i like you, i care about you, but you're not hearing me and i'
    • You have no idea how much I respect the relatively few women that deserve it.

      I can't believe you actually said that!

      All women (and men for that matter) deserve respect from the outset. Very few people don't deserve respect. While some women may be "dirty whores", the overwhelming majority are not. You really need to wake up to yourself and start to respect people, and yourself, again.

      From what you have been posting in your JEs recently (and that is all I can go on) you are turning into a "dirty whore"
  • It makes you alive.

    I've been angry almost all my life. It doesn't make me bad.
    • well... the anger doesn't make you bad. the stabbing random strangers is what makes you bad... but i still like you.

      but yes... anger is just an emotion. its a healthy one. oh yeah... and that just makes it so much easier to accept? not so much.

      i'm still not comfortable with anger. i still don't feel like i have a right to be angry. yeah... need to get past that. i will.

  • Anger (Score:2)

    by Tet ( 2721 )
    Am i angry? YES. I feel like that makes me a bad person.

    Don't. Anger is natural, and in this situation, the right emotion IMHO. There's far too much touchy-feely crap about anger being a bad thing. Far from it. Not only is it not bad, it's actively good. It gives an outlet, a release for pent up feelings. I was angry for a long time. To an extent, I still am. But it does help. My other third didn't get angry in the same way, and is paying for it now, and is less healed than I am. Your desire to forgive hi

  • I am so glad that you feel able to open up to her and download all of the emotions, even the ones that you can't label yourself.

    How did you sleep last night ?

    Glad that you did not show up at work just to be sent home. That would've s*cked. Do you get paid for travel time ? ha ha

    Let me know when to start reading the Einstein book again, chapter 6 ?

  • Not really, that just sounds funny to say.

    I have a great deal of problem with anger. For many years, I was so completely cut off from my own anger that I didn't even see it. People routinely described me as a very angry person and I didn't feel that way at all. Now, people describe me as zen-like in my countenance of calm and I get pissed off all the time. Who knew?

    Anyway, the whole "anger is a gift" riff is a pretty good one. My approach has been to see anger as enlivening, energizing, something tha
  • I can't speak from a truly similar experience, but there was a time in my life where I really failed to ever be happy.

    I read somewhere that the trick to being happy was to *decide* to be happy. Strange as it sounds, it seemed to work for me. (It did take a few tries, though, heh.) Perhaps something similar would work for you, too.

    (I think that's a similar concept to the setting dates thing - you just pick a day to start feeling better and do it)

  • I am an angry person. I get angry easily. And I use that anger to focus and motivate myself.

    Being angry doesn't make me a bad person, it doesn't make me an asshole. It doesn't make me rude, out of control, rash or destructive.

    Anger gives me resolve. If something is bothering me enough to make me angry, it also bothers me enough that I have to deal with it. I can't just let it go or it will keep angering me. To me anger is a positive feeling. It provides the fuel and incentive I need to get things done.

    On

  • Anger (Score:2)

    by arb ( 452787 )
    Anger doesn't make you a bad person - it makes you human.

    Acting out your anger can make you a bad person. Getting angry and frustrated, yelling and screaming and being generally pissed off at the world is sometimes quite healthy. Let it all out. Channel the anger into something productive/positive though. Hit a pillow (though not like De Niro in Analyze This) or if you have the spoons go for a run. If you let your anger turn into violence and/or pure hatred, well that's the path to the Dark Side...

  • Ouch. (Score:1)

    by http ( 589131 )
    Ouch. You kicked me in the legs.
    Ouch. You kicked me in the legs. Will you please stop that?
    Ouch. You kicked me in the legs. Stop that.
    Ouch. You kicked me in the legs. Will you please stop before I act?
    Anger seems unavoidable in life, unless you're alone on a tropical island that never has forest fires. Anger is an ongoing bugaboo of my life. I get angry often, but rarely express it, even to myself. When I do, I feel like I have failed my spiritual quest, ick, can I hide under the blankets and prete
  • Comment removed based on user account deletion

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