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Journal SolemnDragon's Journal: Blinder startled me. 17

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I went online to whine to a friend last night.

No, really. And i talked two other friends, not just about what i was going through, but both of whom listened compassionately and talked about life stuff in ways that made sense. (Strongman, Blinder, Clahey, i owe each of you for different reasons.) I was feeling cross and growly and cranky and mean. And nobody wants to deal with a dragon on her bad days.

I mean, yes, i went online to send Blinder a song, 'cause i'm trying to home record a half dozen to a dozen of them so he'll have something to work with before we get together next. I'd recorded a cheap, brassy, and unrehearsed version of my latest, which he professes to like regardless. (This does not inspire my faith in his musical tastes, but what the hell- i like the OTHER stuff he listens to. *shrug* i'm chalking it up to a quirk that he liked this version, too.)

Well, blinder let me whine on him briefly about how when things hurt i lose my appetite, and everything goes wrong, and i don't know what to do. I was past the worst of it, having talked about it already that night much more than i usually do.

(Yeah, i know. more than nothing is easy. You're very clever. Now shut up.)

He, like many of you, gave me the spiel about how strong i am.

I don't get it. I keep telling you i don't understand, and you try to explain, but because i am the way i am, i'm not going to understand that.

So he told me something else. He told me the story of how he helped someone once- and it's not my story to tell, but suffice it to say that while i don't understand his concept of 'strength,' i at least think that he has it.

I mean, what is strength, really? We use the word all the time. It means not breaking under strain. But in humans, that kind of power usually comes from breaking in little pieces all the time, tearing oneself down on a regular basis.

Let me add some perspective to this. I have a friend- a fellow superhero- who throws cabers for fun. That's basically the equivalent of taking a running start with a phone pole and flinging it end over end. He wasn't born with the ability; he developed it on purpose. He does stuff all the time that makes me look like the featherweight that i am. He can pick up small cars.

I have to put blocks on the pedals just to DRIVE some cars.

But to have that ability, he has to work at it, often. All the time. Like anything, it doesn't happen magically. You have to do it, over and over, till it hurts, till things tear on a cellular level, and they grow back larger and more powerful, because that's what we all evolved to do.

That's strength, right? that's having broken down a little at a time, all the time, to end up unbreakable.

(Sort of.)

So i guess this illness breaks me down a tiny bit at a time, all the time, and maybe i am stronger than i was because of it. Strength is really just little inoculations of death; it's how we live. (mad poster, your immune system must be the Strongest. Immune Sytem. Evar.)

Question du jour: no, not what is your strength. But it's closely related. I'm curious: what is your daily disintegration? What breaks you down so that you don't break under pressure? What obstacles get you over whatever's in your way?

The pain is less this morning. i ate breakfast. I'll probably eat lunch. I'm not so scared of it any more. We are seldom aware of our own strengths. So... what's killing you?

I have the next WGE episode all written, and if all goes well, will post it on the website by sunday afternoon. Wicked's letter to santa comes in later. First you get to find out who won at shark tank.

This discussion was created by SolemnDragon (593956) for no Foes, but now has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

Blinder startled me. More

Blinder startled me.

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  • You all know Hamlet, right? "To be or not to be?" he asks himself. Well, i am Hamlet squared. Hamlet to the power of n. Whatever it may be that i'm doing, i'm never sure of myself. I'm always in doubt. I'm always asking myself whether i'm doing the right thing, or whether i'm doing it the right way. "To be or not to be?" "But what if it's the wrong question?"

    Of course this can (and will) backfire quite badly. I've lost some opportunities due to hesitating too long. I've left several things undone. I've mad

  • I'm up to a mile a day. When I started in september, it was barely a quarter-mile.

    I run for eight minutes. I try not to kill myself, I just go as fast as I can comfortably stay going.

    So right now, that's a steady jog and a mile.

    My legs are rubbery afterwards, so I have a sitdown.

    And I get so much thinking done when I run. The legs know the road now, and they go all by themselves, no brain required.
    • I started...somewhere in late October or early November (WOW, has it really been that long?). The first time, i did about a kilometer, half of it walking. The next day, my legs were killing me.

      Now i'm up to about two and a half kilometers, and maybe a few hundred of it walking. I could probably do even more, but it's a bit hard, what with all the snow and ice and stuff around..

    • Excellent!
      Isn't it wonderful running? I never thought I could ever tolerate it. I mean... in school I hated it for gym class. Ugh... terrible thing this running.

      But now... I crave it. I do about 3 miles a day... 3-4 nights a week. I could probably do more because while being pretty tired and "rubbery" at the end... i don't feel like the walking dead anymore.

      Yes, no thinking required... in fact... i often don't think at all. Its very much like meditation for me. I am only concentrating on my breathing and
      • Yes, no thinking required... in fact... i often don't think at all. Its very much like meditation for me. I am only concentrating on my breathing and finding my own rhythm. When I find it, there is nothing else in the world.

        That's why I ride the way I do (long distance)- sure it's enjoyable to go for an hour or two, or to focus one one particular task, but when you're riding for 50 or 100 miles, after around mile 20 (about 2.5 hours in) you go into a very blissful state where you can no longer really feel

  • Every day I wake up, and am faced with the twin discordance between who I am and who I want to be, and who I seem and who I am.
  • they tear me down all day. :-)

    I guess, just everything tears me down, ya know? Every time gas prices go up or a friend does something that hurts me, or worse themselves. Or some stranger does something stupid it wears on me, but I heal and I'm a little stronger, a little more patient, a little more tolerant. So my answer is life. Oh, and speaking of things wearing on me, sorry I haven't been there for you online, my PC is still teh broken, but my PHONE is working fine if you need to call me.

  • Humility: I am not [internally] humble, but I am externally. Many of my daily co-worker interactions leave me a little broken, but knowing that I have dealt with it lets me know I can deal with it.
  • We are all human beings. Life puts roadblocks in our path each day. For some it is internal for some it is external. It matters not their size, small or great they are they can seem insurmountable.

    Think again of the butterfly and its transformation. Growing and changing. We grow. We change. Once it becomes a butterfly, it will never have its old life back. When we grow, we change. Every thing that happens to is changes part of who we are. Sometimes it is a tiny part and other times we hurt so bad we run fo
  • I am lonely. I have always been. I have a sense of rejection which is so deeply ingrained that I cannot remember ever not feeling it. My immediate family loves me. I know this in my head, not in my heart. Even then, I only really discovered it when I was 25, and ended up moving out of state. I thought that my wife loved me... for 4 years I thought that I had found it... Then she told me the truth.

    I used to think that I was anti-social, but it's not really true. I'm happy to join in social activities

  • what is your daily disintegration? What breaks you down so that you don't break under pressure? What obstacles get you over whatever's in your way?

    That's easy. Being transgendered is what gives me strength. Having lived through childhood being vividly aware of the dissonance between my body and my gender, and managing to learn how to hide that well enough to survive. That's given me the strength to handle having multiple sclerosis (hell, it may have been what *gave* me MS in the first place, by spendin
  • Or, what did you unlearn about the world today?

    Yesterday, I learned that the version of Sylvia Plath's Ariel was significantly edited by her husband before it was published. I look forward to reading the collection as it was originally published. I also learned that Jorge Luis Borges, IMO near the very top of the list of (North or South) American writers, was quite fluent in English as well as Spanish. I look forward to reading his Norton lectures on poetry, delivered at Harvard in 1967-68. It was a
  • Co-workers, for one. If I didn't have to put up with their quick ad nauseum on a daily basis, I'd probably snap. Bill collectors is another. Some like leaving daily messages on my phone - funny how little they bother me anymore even though they continue to call daily.

    Some disintegrating things aren't daily, but I definitely have to agree with this idea of strength. It isn't a sudden thing we are born with. It comes of being unwilling to let something shatter us - picking up the pieces, getting back on
  • playing my music... playing guitar till my fingers burn and my head pounds.

    running, running till i feel sick. like i'm dizzy and can't stand... but i do.

    sorry... been feeling not great today and listening to a lot of emo shit... it rubs off :)

    hehe... but yeah... i like the way you put it "disintegration." I like that word.
  • Well, TL said that you were hurting, so I decided that I would give you a hug, and say that I hope you feel better soon!

    love and hugs for you!

  • I thought you'd like this article [bbc.co.uk].

    Thais drop origami 'peace bombs'

    The Thai government has dropped an estimated one hundred million paper origami birds in an unusual peace bid.

    The birds were dropped by military planes over the country's Muslim south after a surge of violence in the area.

    I don't share your crane thing, but this is cool :)

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