Thing is, you've carefully crafted your post so that it's almost impossible for anyone to try and tell you you're wrong. You make sweeping claims and hardly anything specific. So yes, you're going to get emotional "fanboy" type responses, because there's really nothing for a reasoned person to refute. I will take a stab at a couple things:
1) "The UI is terrible" - every time I get on an iPhone I feel hamstrung by the lack of a "back" button. Going back is almost as important as going forward, and every little iPhone app handles that differently because there is no consistent interface for it. Also, a back button makes linking between apps much easier, since one app can invoke another to provide a certain service and then the back button returns you to the first. The Android UI promotes cooperation and best practices between apps. Apple's UI can be described as pretty, but, well, absent.
2) App badging - I understand this to be the little number an app presents on its icon to show you how many messages, for example, are waiting. This is identical for every app that uses it, since all it is is a little number.
3) Updates: If anything, apps are updated far too frequently for my liking. I don't enable auto updates, which while it gives me much greater control does require me to vet every update and it is a considerable number.