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Journal Ethelred Unraed's Journal: Assignment: Compare and contrast service in USA and Germany 22

Journal by Ethelred Unraed

Dialog in an American store:

SALESPERSON: Can I help you?
ME: Just browsing, thanks.
SALESPERSON: Can I help you?
ME: Just browsing, thank you.
SALESPERSON: Are you sure I can't help you?
ME: [gets out his cudgel] I'm sure. Go away.
SALESPERSON: But you look like someone who needs help.
ME: I really, really, really would just like to shop in peace.
SALESPERSON: But you can't. You need help.
ME: I made it 33 years without your help. I don't need it now.
SALESPERSON: [smiles] But of course you do. I'm a fully qualified psychologist. [shows diploma] Couldn't get any other job, so I got this one. [speaks loudly so manager can hear] And BOY, DO I LOVE THIS JOB!
ME: I'm happy for you. Now beat it before I bean you.
SALESPERSON: Please, I must look useful. Let me bag your things for you. [puts eggs on bottom of bag, piles 12-pack of concrete mix on top]
ME: [saps salesperson, exeunt]

...

Dialog in a German store:

ME: Excuse me.
SALESPERSON: [chatting with colleague, no response]
ME: Excuse me.
SALESPERSON: [starts to look annoyed, continues chatting, bitching about manager]
ME: [gets out cudgel] Look, I'm payin' your salary. Can you help me?
SALESPERSON: You are no match for us, pig-dog.
ME: Bite me. Why is this so expensive?
SALESPERSON: Because you're paying my salary, pig-dog.
ME: Blow me. I'm going to your competitors.
SALESPERSON: Hah! We got the award for Best Service in Germany for the last ten years, pig-dog. You may lick my foot now.
ME: *grmbl* [saps salesperson, cudgel ricochets off back of his head with a clang]
SALESPERSON: Silly pig-dog. You forget that we Germans are born with built-in Pickelhauben. You will grovel now.
ME: Well, I'll just order it online then.
SALESPERSON: Hah! You forget that according to the Bundestoilettenpapierschutzgesetz that it is forbidden to order toilet paper from any place other than an authorized toilet paper dealer.
ME: ...
SALESPERSON: You will grovel now. And you will buy my wife some flowers.
ME: But...
SALESPERSON: And the price just went up to €500. Per sheet.
ME: Oh, all right...
SALESPERSON: And thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

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Assignment: Compare and contrast service in USA and Germany More

Assignment: Compare and contrast service in USA and Germany

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  • ME: Hello?
    SALESMAN: <silence>
    ME: Hello? I'd like to buy a mouse please.
    SALESMAN: OK
    ME: It needs to be a USB mouse, silver, and cheap - I'm not interested in any brand names, I just want a cheap working mouse.
    SALESMAN: We have this top of the range Microsoft branded mouse, it's very expensive. It'd be perfect for you.
    ME: But it's expensive (in part due to the branding, which I said I didn't care about), and it's not silver.
    SALESMAN: Oh.
    ME: So have you got anything that meets my requirements?
    SA
    • On a related note:

      Me: [Walk into small local computer shop] I'm looking for a joystick for ...
      No-sale-person: We don't do joysticks. Try PC World.
      Me: [Retrieves jaw from floor, exits looking stunned]

      On another occasion, in ASDA (part of WalMart), a company which actually understands the need to be nice to customers:
      Me: Hi, I bought this three-pack of Walnut Whip [small chocolate thing with a walnut on top], and the last one had a bit missing... (hands over the half-empty packaging of the third ite

  • either because I'm too lazy to look it up myself
    or I just want to post something random
  • SALESGARCON: something unintelligible to non-French speakers such as myself

    ME: Pardonnez moi, je nes parle pas Francais

    SALESGARCON: walks away

  • What's really interesting is when you use 3 continents to work 24/7 on a customer issue. From my perspective the US forms the happy middle:

    Customer: "I have an Oracle problem. My support contract specifically excludes Oracle-only issues and says I should call Oracle but I've decided to call the application vendor anyway at 5:30PM EST."

    us Engineer: "We don't support this but it's actually pretty simple, do this and tell me know if it works tommorrow. If it doesn't work, you should call Oracle. We'd l
    • Previously I've had to deal with all of these countries and yes - you're pretty much dead on. Made me bust out laughing at least twice.

      [For Extra Credit - add Australia next time - those guys always were fun - a lot like Americans]
      • Made me bust out laughing at least twice.

        Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

        Previously I've had to deal with all of these countries and yes - you're pretty much dead on.

        Stereotypes often contain a grain of truth. These seem to contain a bushel. I've been working a "multi-shore team" for 5 weeks. It doesn't take long to get it down.

        [For Extra Credit - add Australia next time - those guys always were fun - a lot like Americans]

        I can't. They don't do any discrete manufacturing there. Ap
        • Addendum to not reading Sol's JE's while drinking now includes reading your posts without drinking.

          Truly brilliant!
        • Europe internal email
          Issue resolved by telling caller to fuck off.

          To be fair not all European customer service is like the UK or DE and FR examples.

          The Irish are generally helpful though occasionally they act like a bunch of jobsworths.

          The Scandinavians while sometimes rude like the Germans and French will generally help you resolve your problem.

          As for the Italians, when you actually get a hold of one they are in general pretty nice. However it is up to you to ride their ass until your issue is resolve
          • To be fair not all European customer service is like the UK or DE and FR examples.

            I know that. Nor is all Asian customer service in the as bad in the opposite manner as I described or all American customer service as good as I described. Just like Ethelread, I'm exaggerating and stereotyping for the sake of humor. When you need people with as much technical breadth as we do, you hire people with technical skills who don't seem totally anti-social and try and force them to learn customer service skills.
            • I do understand. I've dealt with companies with support organzations all over the world and I've dealt with customers from all over as well. (even more fun is trying to deal with customs officials in various countries)

              As you say there are some patterns one notices from both sides. The stereotypes of the Germans and Japanese rings rather true. I've also had some interesting dealings with the Italians. As I said they aren't too bad to deal with provided you can actually get a hold of them. They also will nev
      • For Extra Credit - add Australia next time - those guys always were fun - a lot like Americans

        Except with a lot more off-color and politicaly incorrect humor.

        Then there are the Canadians who have the British gift of understatement crossed with the American ability to actually resolve your issue.
    • Silly you, I just burst hot coffee onto my keyboard. The PHB won't be amused. ;)

      > de Engineer: "I could resolve your issue in fifteen minutes. Instead,
      > I will read the fine print of your contract back to you, email you a
      > copy of your contract with "English for Dummies" and the Massachusets
      > Civil Code attached, and tell you the number for Oracle support very
      > slowly like you are an idiot. Goodbye."

      Which is exactly the correct response to that kind of client. Because if people *know* they'
    • Of course in addition to leaving out Australia, you neglected the joy of dealing with support engineers in courntries like India, Korea, Taiwan, and China.

      Basicly I can't ever understand anything written or said by support engineers in KR, TW, or CN. I'm told that if you actually get someone who speaks/writes English or otherwise understand what they are getting at that the Koreans are like polite versions of the Germans or French, and that the Taiwanese or Chinese fall somewhere in between the Americans a
      • You're pretty much correct. Due to an accident of geography, extremely critical issues are most likely to be transferred to Japan after our US offices go dark for the night. The Japanese have a tendency to frustrate the hell out of US customers, who would prefer undesirable truth nicely packaged to what the Japanese provide: excessively optimistic lies. After Japan goes dark, they hit Germany or France, where the commitments made by the Japanese are radically rescinded on the basis that they bear no corr
        • You're pretty much correct. Due to an accident of geography, extremely critical issues are most likely to be transferred to Japan after our US offices go dark for the night. The Japanese have a tendency to frustrate the hell out of US customers, who would prefer undesirable truth nicely packaged to what the Japanese provide: excessively optimistic lies. After Japan goes dark, they hit Germany or France, where the commitments made by the Japanese are radically rescinded on the basis that they bear no corrspo
  • I cruise online.
    USBank site: Enter your username and password.
    Me: Happily
    USBank site: Thank you. How can I help?
    Me: I'd like some checks.
    USBank site: Let us transfer you to the online store.
    Me: Okay.
    USBank site: Uh oh, you're not using Internet Explorer. You can continue with Netscape, but things might not work.
    Me: It's Firefox, but okay.
    USBank site: Look at all our checks.
    Me: Very nice. I want these, and single check not carbon copy.
    USBank site: Look at all our checks.
    Me: Umm...
    USBank site: Look at all our
  • You, sir, owe me a new keyboard!

    The US one isn't even funny, but the German one! Whahahaha....

    Others reading this: it isn't as extreme as our US-friend-in-DE claims, but that can happen. Many American companies tried to "indoctrinate" their employees in European branches to become like American employees. They failed miserably, and I'm glad they did. Somehow I prefer grumpy salespeople over artificially friendly employees. I found out that grumpy employees can be friendly if you talk to them in a f

  • I'm not a world traveller, but I do occassionally get permission to travel north of the Manson-Nixon line. Usually one of the first things I'll do upon arriving up north is to purchase a meal at a fast food joint. Not because I want a double greaseburger and three quarts of fizzy sugar water, but because I like to see for myself every once in a while that fast food can be had in under two minutes with a dozen people in line ahead of you. Down south, those numbers tend to be inverted.

    I can't be bothered to
    • I can't be bothered to do the whole dialog bit, as typing the respective accents out phonetically would probably cause at least one hemisphere of my brain to rupture, but trust me when I tell you that while the old stereotypes may be a bit over the top, they are firmly rooted in solid truth.

      An, jes wuat's that s'posta mean? Ah reckon yer sayin' sumthin bad about us sutherners. But Ah cain't quat put mah fanger onit.

      Disclaimer: Florida native, so I get more exposure to Hispanic & New York/Jersey accen
      • Ah reckon yer sayin' sumthin bad about us sutherners.

        'At's allus proof 'at y'all ain't no jin-yoo-in Suthruner. 'Cos it be spelt "Suthrun".

        Kinda lahk 'is: whut yew flatten y'all's clothes with? Arn.

        What yew make toast wif? Braid.

        Whur yew pawrk y'all's cawr? Grudge.

        Or the tired old joke:

        M R PIGS
        A R NOT
        O S A R
        L I B
        M R PIGS

        Disclaimer: I grup in Happalaysha, in Vajanya. We tawk a bit difrunt thur.

        Cheers,

        Ethelred

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