Em Emalb's Journal: Is it just me?

Ok, I realize I wrote a lot today, but I have been pretty bored and very tired today, it passes the time. Anyhow, here goes. If you don't like where it is heading, skim a bit and it will change.

I feel like shit, the weather changes we have had lately (90 one day, mid 60's the next) has finally caught up to me. Not really sick, just more of a BLECK feeling. My brain is in a funk, I have a lot of stuff to do, but no motivation.

It seems even though the details change, everything I do work-wise is the same, and it's getting old. Sometimes I think about getting out of the IT industry all together.

When I grew up in NM, there was a river that ran right by my house. (I could throw a rock into the water from my front porch) I used to fish in it almost everyday. It has all manner of trout, Rainbow, Cutthroat, German Brown, and every now and then you would catch a speckled trout. (kinda rare though) Anyhow, it was a simpler time, and a simpler place. Sometimes, as I look out the window and see all these cars running by the office, I miss it dreadfully. When I took Jen to meet my grandparents a while back, I took her to the river and let her see it's beauty. She said she could see why I am the way I am when she saw the water. It truly is a thing of beauty.

Anyhow, why is it that we as humans never fully appreciate something until it's gone? For example, say your lovely old neighbor lady down the street dies. As you think about it, you get sad when you realize how much you appreciated her, but never said anything. Why is this? Why do we so often not pause and reflect on what we have, as opposed to what we want or need?

Switching gears, I am having a debate with myself right now on what I am doing with my life. I wanted to be so many things growing up, and I haven't really accomplished any of them since I got out of the Marines. (Item #3--see the world.--CHECK) I don't really know what I want to do, just that what I am doing isn't it. Money, of course, is the biggest driver right now, life would be hard if I tried to start over. My brain tells me I would struggle getting to where I want to be, but my heart says I am complacent and if I really wanted it, I'd act on it. So, I have this weird internal battle going on. It's odd when you look at it from the outside.

Hell, I don't know. Anyhow, thanks for reading, you guys rock, and your comments are as ever, insightful. Hopefully you'll understand the weird mood I am in and just go with it.

Odd

[chainrust]

<whining>
I'm getting slowly suicidal, but I know it's happening, so I just slap myself and say "Snap out of it." However, I'm not seeing any meaning to life, but I'm enjoying parts of it. I am currently seeing life as a waste of my time. Why should I be stuck in school? I'm young, I should be enjoying my relative freedom from responsibilities. Any guidance?
</whining>

This is normal.

[Raiford]

Hey I feel like this just about every other day. Someone once told me that it is normal but not natural. People always want to be normal and feel good. That is the wrong approach to life because normal is a standard that someone else has set for you. It is better to be natural than normal because normal may not be what your life is suppose to be about. I guess everyone really knows what is best for themselves and what they are suppose to be doing with their lives on some level. The problem is acknowledging that level as truth and then acting on it.

If I sound like I know what I am talking about then you are probably getting confused because most of the time I feel like a really messed up human being but I guess that is okay. The older I get I find that most people are and are struggling through life with various opportunities for growth.

Things always change in time whether I want them to or not so I guess the best thing to do is just to buckel up and prepare for the ride.

I can sympathize

[TechnoLust]

I grew up on the river as well. I lived there for 19 years, then I moved here. There is a river within driving distance, but I can?t look off my porch and see it. I did a few things to make myself feel better. First I bought a hot tub. I used to be able to walk down the hill and get in the river when I lived with my parents, now, I can go out on the porch and soak away the stress. After I paid for that, I saved up and bought a Sea Doo. I can drive to the river or lake and ride on the weekends. I also built a fountain. It has a 4 foot diameter pond at the bottom of a 4 step cascade with a 4 foot weir. (There were 4 steps going up to where used to be a door that was now a wall. I covered these with mountain stone and made it a cascade.) All these things are enough to tide me over until I can afford to buy property on the water and build my own place. That is part of my long term goals.

I definitely have days where I just don?t want to do anything. I feel like I should be doing something else. But I know I would never be happy doing anything else. Sometimes the IT industry is just too much, but it?s better than most of the other jobs out there. I guess if I had to do something else, it would be Chemistry related. The only advice I can offer is to do what makes you happy, within reason. If you aren?t happy with your job, I say leave, even if it pays very well. But don?t sit at home and do nothing because that?s what makes you happy. You have to make money to live. You just have to find that balance where you find something that you enjoy doing most of the time that pays well enough for you to live the life you want to. If you have a job making 7 figures, but you never leave work? that isn?t going to be much of a life. On the other hand if you never go to work, you won?t live long.

A-a-ah, the memories...

[eugene ts wong]

It seems even though the details change, everything I do work-wise is the same, and it's getting old. Sometimes I think about getting out of the IT industry all together.

I think that I know what you mean. I'm trying to get out of the IT world too. Since my dad develops accounting software, there is always something that I should be doing. So, getting out is kind of hard.

When I grew up in NM, there was a river that ran right by my house. (I could throw a rock into the water from my front porch) I used to fish in it almost everyday. It has all manner of trout...Anyhow, it was a simpler time, and a simpler place. Sometimes, as I look out the window and see all these cars running by the office, I miss it dreadfully.

Oh, how I wish that you never brought this up! There was a lake near one of the houses that I grew up in. That was my first real chance to do some fishing. We'd paddle out onto Deer Lake in the early morning and fish all day. Now it's just too polluted by the geese and ducks. It makes me so sad to think that people keep feeding these birds who only come back and dirty the grass and water. At one time, they were considering allowing people to hunt those ducks & geese so that they could feed themselves cheaply, and control the duck & geese population. Unfortunately, too many people complained about it. One of the saddest things is that it is really a nice place for all kinds of people to get outdoors. It's not out in the wilds, but it's outdoorsy enough for people to go and enjoy themselves, after work and on the weekends. How sad.

Hell, I don't know. Anyhow, thanks for reading, you guys rock, and your comments are as ever, insightful. Hopefully you'll understand the weird mood I am in and just go with it.

You're welcome. Thank you also for sharing. I appreciate reading your journal entries.

I wonder if it's water related...

[FirstNoel]

I too grew up across the road from a creek. We used to spend all summer over there building forts, swimming, fishing, agitating the groundhogs...ahh what fun. It was like our own summer camp. Now I live about a mile away from it, not far. But far enough not to hear it or see it.

It's weird but like you, somedays I just sit here, completely lacking any motivation. Give me a beach and a marguarita (spelling?). Unfortunatly I'm stuck back in a flouresent lit box, away from any window. But I can usually tell when it starts to rain...the ventilation system starts giving off that damp basement smell.

There are some benefits to where I work. It's in Gettysburg, PA. Plenty of open land, thanks (or no thanks) to the park service. In fall and spring ( when there are no tourists) I can go out to Little Round Top and just enjoy the view and peace.

It's sounds kind of odd to go to a site of such utter war and destruction to find peace and beauty. But it's possible.

Sean D.

It must be something about fall...

[KshGoddess]

Something about fall, something about how I'm geared, and something about the place I work. I've been in this same funk for about 2 weeks now. I've been sick, and I'm still fighting off flu-like aches and exhaustion.

But I absolutely loathe this place right now. I have no motivation except the 'pay the rent' one to come to this place and do this work. I hate NT. Exchange is crap. Outlook is useful sometimes, but mostly annoying. NetBackup is a Frankeinstein monster, cobbled together from four different products with no coherent interface. And we've got Bugbear being blocked at our mail gateways -- which, unfortunately get reported to me. My mailbox is full of "Virus Found!" emails. I don't have enough time to do anything that I'd like to do, much less the things that I'm supposed to do. (Yes, and I know, if I took the time that I'm using now, I could... create a few user accounts, or assign permissions.)

We just went through a RIF, and IT was cut to the quick. From 12 to 5 people in one place, and from ~20 to ~10 here. We're now covering phones for our sister site.

I was spared, but to what end, I don't know. Our VP said something like "The living shall envy the dead," without even trying to give those of us who stay any shred of hope. The laid-off got a minimum of 10 weeks severance. Some people got up to 6 1/2 months. Those who stayed got shares of stock that vest 'quickly'... 1/4 in 6 months, the rest at a 2.5% monthly rate for the next 30 months.

If the stock were worth anything, and I mean anything, since strike prices are currently more than the stock's trading for, maybe that'd be worth it. But it doesn't motivate me at all.

Neither does the fact that the departments who complained the loudest about cutting people are hiring the same people back as temps. Or the fact that the "company picnic" was at Sea World.

I didn't go, by the way, because I'm a hermit. I hate crowds. I don't ride rides because I'm acrophobic. I don't like most "picnic foods", especially if I didn't make them myself. I'm not picky, just leery of any foods sitting outside in the sun, uncovered.

Blah.

If only the job market wasn't so damn tight, I'd be out in an eyeblink.