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Journal Captain Splendid's Journal: Fuck you very much John McCain 20

Journal by Captain Splendid

Dear John,

As the kids like to say these days, WTF? You had it all lined up: The come-from-behind Republican nomination, the status of "Maverick" with the swing voters, the love of the press since your first run in 2000, sacrifice as a POW, and, best of all, a fine-tuned Rovian campaign machine.

Even your mistakes were all minor or, weirdly enough, complementary. You were able to abandon all your maverick-y positions and line yourself up ideologically with W and nobody noticed. Your new and puzzling stiff demeanor was only ever really used as a segue into your time at the Hanoi Hilton. The fact that the GOP base hated your guts was irrelevant because, at the time, the Hillabeast was loose upon the earth once more.

And when Obama became the nominee, you were never more than a few points behind him in the polls, which in the current GOP-phobic atmosphere was nothing short of a genuine miracle. Hillary would have been an easier opponent for you to beat, but you still had one hell of a shot of sewing it all up eventually as long as you kept it all steady, as evidenced by Obama never really breaking away from you in the polls.

Then it all went to shit. The biggest mistake, obviously, was Sarah Palin. Actually, to be fair, it wasn't so much a mistake as it was a fantastically ambitious gamble. Palin wasn't there to just appease the base, she was also there to shore up the female vote. And the non-senior citizen vote. And the Bush-voting "I like dumb people like me" vote. Plus, she was fresh and unknown, something completely missing in the election thus far, especially after Obama's boring choice of Biden as running mate.

Still, it failed. Sure, the base rallied somewhat, and the press went nuts like they do with white women, and it it didn't hurt that she was a feisty and cute little sparkplug. But as the bloom wore off a little bit, it was clear that there were at least two significant problems with her.

Number one, she's great on paper, but mostly crap in person, which, for a politician working at this level of the game is kinda ass-backwards. This is why she's getting tarred with the inexperience brush heavier than Obama. At least he makes it sound good, whereas everybody seems to cringe when she opens her trap. You can counterspin that into elitism all you want, but if that's true, then we're all elitists. Everybody has that embarrassing relative that makes a fool out of themselves during family holidays.

Second, the reaction from your saner supporters said it all. In the weeks after her selection, long-time party hacks grumbled aloud and even defected over your choice. Centrist voters mumbled "What was wrong with Romney?" (Bet you wish you'd picked him now, eh?) In short, a lot of people whose support you needed to bridge the gap and win the crown were exactly the people who saw through the whole charade or were just completely non-plussed.

This too would have blown over eventually, but you started making bigger mistakes and compounding other ones. You started alienating your buddies the press with now sphincter-tight access just when they wanted more. That gruff and prickly persona of yours was turned up to 11 and predictably started creeping folks out. Your second big gamble of the campaign, that quixotic "suspension" of your campaign, not only didn't do anything for you but work against you, because YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY SUSPEND YOUR CAMPAIGN, DUMBASS!

At this point, there's not much you can do. Thankfully, the US electorate is the dumbest electorate on the block, so Obama's only made modest gains from your clusterfucks, but there's still plenty of mistakes you can make. For example, on Thursday night, do not, under any circumstance, let Palin coast by on talking points alone. In fact, don't let her do anything. The only way for her to win the debate is for her to shut the fuck up and let Biden come across as an asshole.

Second, and this is important, do not lose Palin from the ticket, no matter how much worse of an albatross she may turn out to be. She may suck harder than a vacuum cleaner, but if you ditch her, your campaign is done.

That's really about all I can offer you since you've done so much damage already, but if you keep clean and steady over the next few weeks, you still have a slim chance of becoming the next President of the United States. Most importantly, you still have a slim chance of not being that guy who let a nigger in the White House.

Or worse yet, let him in there with a landslide victory.

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Fuck you very much John McCain More

Fuck you very much John McCain

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  • If there is one sure thing about the current batch of Republicans, it is the fact that they won't admit they are wrong, even after they have plunged over the waterfall. "We must stay the course!"

  • For some reason, I expect better from you.
  • ...is the media. These gatekeepers have been so completely over the top as to defy description.
    Thankfully, the intertubes have brought us http://pjtv.com/ [pjtv.com] so there is hope.
    It's a big country, big enough that Senator Obama and McCain can both be exemplar of the American dream.
    Even if the Marxist bailout program represents the more nightmarish aspects.
    And, yeah, the 'n' bomb is passe.
    • the intertubes have brought us http://pjtv.com/ [pjtv.com] so there is hope.

      Thanks for the laugh. I get more concentrated information from the Colbert Report.

      And, yeah, the 'n' bomb is passe.

      I do wish that were true, but it isn't.
      • Perhaps for you alone. Honestly, no one else cares fig #1 about the DNA of any candidate.
        Anyone who would decided solely on DNA in favor of any candidate is unworthy of the privilege to vote.
        Anyone who would denigrate a policy-based decision on a vote with a DNA-based allegation really should go get stuffed.
        • Honestly, no one else cares fig #1 about the DNA of any candidate.

          Speaking of which, how is that Ivory tower this time of year?

          Anyone who would decided solely on DNA in favor of any candidate is unworthy of the privilege to vote.

          Careful, son, that's elitist talk.

          You're confirming my worst fears about you. It's okay, dirt washes off.
          • The fact that you would engage in racism at all, and particularly while you vote is quite last century, and tragic. I pray for you.
            Your efforts to drag me (or anyone I know professionally or personally) into that will simply fail.
            Even my redneck dad wouldn't hesitate to vote for, say, Colin Powell. DNA is irrelevant. Lousy policy remains the point.
            • Now you're just boring me.
              • Well, then, it sounds like you'd vote 'yes' on a giant, steaming loaf of legislation.
                Go, democracy!

              • From a national perspective skin colour doesn't seem to count (and from somebody looking from the outside in [Canada]). These days people seem to be more concerned about how Right or non-Right they are. As for Obama, I think most people who care about such issues would probably consider him an Oreo (notwithstanding the people who want to FUD-up his Muslim heritage). I generally ask for proof when people make claims.

                • I generally ask for proof when people make claims.

                  Wasting your time. People like that know in their gut, and that's a high enough standard for them.
    • >And, yeah, the 'n' bomb is passe.

      You ain't been to GA lately, have ya?

  • MOAR XBOXXX NAO!!!

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