Liverpool won; the most amazing comeback.
But a bomb attack in Isb... ppl died...

As I watch the score
and adjust my tie,
People die

...........

A Hope and a smile,
On a sad afternoon,

A Wish in the sky,
glowing, infecting...
illusion of love and madness in view

And evil care
It.
talk your song
On and on
Mumbling rants and
voices of long
Shout.

Black curls and mud feet
rainwashed and reaching out

Cheer, shout, cry
Dance and Run,
as he runs
...when they die

I have
Not listened to this merman rant before.
'Please clear the way'
For my tail
So I can sweep the floor.

Phir wohee, phir waheeN,

1713 hrs (Office)

This has been an eventfull year. A long year if counted by the events. But first a look at the resolutions that I made:

1. Visit India--get hooked up with an indian gal --- Went to India, great trip; enjoyed it a lot. Couldnt hookup with any gal wat so ever :-)
2. Improve my Erdös number from infinity to 3(via Sarmad) --nope
3. Go to Europe--watch a champions league/euro football match. --nope
4. Prove something significant--nope
5. Run a marathon--I was targetting the Lahore marathon, or rather the 10k race. Parr this year there was none. However there is one on Jan 30th, 2005. I am thinking of running the 10k race and doing good speed.
6. Play football, start a football academy.--played a good amount of football, mostly at lums. Was fun. Academy was always a long shot.
7. Shave my head and beard-- oh yeah baby
8. Break someones something-- nope
9. Read more... less tv --read a lot; lesser tv then prev year, but still too much
10. Think more...less hallucination--mixed, maybe, maybe-not
11. Write in my journal more regularly--ya right
12. Teach and learn a lot--learned a lot, but didnot teach

Thats like 4 out of 12. Not bad for first year :-). Lets see what happens to next year.

By the way, other things I did which could have been resolutions like stuff..

• Went to southren punjab and sindh. Great trip
• Did the whole lenght of Karakoram Highway (pakistan side)
• Dived in the Arabian sea at karachi and pissed across the pak-china border at Khunjerab top; all in one jeans and within a week
• Went to Skardu, spent a night at Sadpara lake
• Wrote paper journal during the trip. Some nice portions
• Went to Bhitai's mizaar; also to Lal Shahbaz Qalandar's, Uch Sharif
• Mohenjodarro trip....great
• Started running >3mils 3-4 times a week; also doing some excersise :-) and increasing fitness level
• Left lums, found a job , and
• Moved out of my parents house

...before you know to-o many have died.

I write of peace, love, and life. I write of pain, death, and disease. I shout like him-- a madman,a politician,a poser, a clergyman and her. I sleep like the conscience, guilt, like blood and God. I think of love, death, heaven and earth, and my image in a thousand mirrors. I smile like the child, the winner, the tyrant. I breathe a flame thrower, and a gas chamber, and a cloud of dust and crap. I hear shouts of joy, pain, defeat, malign, wisdom and sacrifice.

I share pain or fake love, I seduce words of no meaning.

0320 hrs (Home)
Vanita came an interviewed my father. It was an unusall event, but she told me that it was a great interview. She was impressed by my father's knowledge of things. All in all it was a pleasant event. Met her again after the interview. Nice cheerfull and healthy chat. Its good.
Been spending some time with Sarmad. The other day heard Rinku and Sarmad discussing a lot of issues. Starting from Evolution, moving on to religion and then to feminism. A lot of interesting views. But I need to spend more and more time on thinking. I think I should also start writting some stuff down.
On topic of writting, well i have been trying my hands on peotry lately. Its not coming out too good. But I have written some ok stuff. Maybe I ll put something down here.
Lately fahimz gal has been quite obsessing. I am thinking about getting to know her better....that is starting to talk with her. HOW,,, no idea ...WHY... still no idea,,, WHEN... still no bloody idea...
But for now, here is a poem.

[edit] : deleted the poem, memorized it :-)

2300 hrs(home)
Happy New Year
Here they are:

1. Visit India--get hooked up with an indian gal
2. Improve my Erdös number from infinity to 3(via Sarmad)
3. Go to Europe--watch a champions league/euro football match.
4. Prove something significant
5. Run a marathon
6. Play football, start a football academy.
7. Shave my head and beard
8. Break someones something
9. Read more... less tv
10. Think more...less hallucination
11. Write in my journal more regularly
12. Teach and learn a lot

Will write more on this later.

2220 hrs (home)
I posted this yesterday as well. Atleast I did write it all up.

I am working on the Tree Paking problem(to pack n trees of sizes 1 to n, into a complete graph over n vertices). Open problem. So Asif and I were working on it, trying some ideas, mostly stupid. But last Friday Sarmad got serious about it, downloaded a paper by Yuster. Yuster was able to pack 80% of the trees into a complete bipartite graph with the same number of edges (with partitions n-1 and n/2). Sarmad told us about that and we tried to understand his calculations. That we were able to do. Sarmad got the idea of the thing. Bella had done significantly by packing almost 70% trees into a complete graph.(we dont know how, cant get hold of his paper)

So we worked late... and decided to meet next day. Asif and I met at about 5pm...and waited till 8... Sarmad was sleeping (usual of him). But he got up, eventually, and when we met him Rinku was also with him. He offered us to go to the homecoming dinner as his guest. We were reluctant...but Sarmad has his easy way... So we went there. Got the food...

And then Sarmad went and sat on the same table as Vanita. We also went there. I was embarrased at the fact that I took Asif's advise and filled up my plate with food. Anyways...we sat there and Rinku is a nice person to have sitting around any table. She has a cheerful and sweet way to strike up a conversation. Sarmad has also got some good jokes to share. So it was a nice pleasent dinner. And after that we went to the super store for a cup of tea. I didnt get to talk with Vanita a lot, but did get to see her smile a lot...the color of her eyes fits well with her smile.
Well that was that. Then we went our separate ways.
And then we went to Sramads place... like from 11:30 pm to 6 in the morning we worked on the packing problem. Trying to improve on our appraoch. We were able to pack 60%... way off of Bellas result, but definitely a significant work. Need Bellas paper. Need to work more.


Is this the way its always supposed to end.

1730(work)
Nani amma is better and is back at home. All my khallas and mamoos are/were in lahore.

Semester TAship going good, so far all tasks completed, but the toughest lies ahead. Must study and work harder.

LUMS interview no idea.

14:25(work)
capt ahmed latif was in lahore. Although he had a lot of interesting things to share, but those are not going to be the topic of my journal entry. There was this brief momentary discussion as we were going from lakhshmi to mall road in his brothers car...about death and disease

It wasnt a philosophical discussion about the nature of these things. The point I was making was that if an old person is very very sick--irrecoverable terminal disease, and he is only living in like a semi-dead state...not able to talk or walk or maybe even sense anything other then pain--then its better that he dies, or atleast I would prefer dying to such a miserable state of affairs. Miserable not only for me, but also for the ppl around me.

Then I also remember a discussion regarding profession or maybe would-be spouse's profession. I remember saying that I didnt want myself or her to be a doctor asdont like the peculiar hospital smell; the smell of medicine....of death and disease.
But now nanee amee is in hospital, an old jondius has eaten up her lever. The doctor is saying that it is in advanced stages and there is no recovery. I went to see her in the morning. And to add to her misery, while she was at the hospital, she fell out of her bed and injured herself seriously. Her mouth,lips, teeth, chest, and knees are still badly bruised and swollen. Though she is not on heavy medication but she is often drifting between conscious and semi-conscious sense lessness. Her pain would be terrible and that too at this age, when all resistences die down.

All in all its quite a miserable and unfortunate picture. She is in cmh. So I went there again in the evening, and she looked better. Now all I care is that she does not suffer. She should not suffer. At this age, how can she even be allowed to suffer. Death is inevitable--wat about disease, wat about pain. Cant it be painless, cant these sufferings disappear. We suffer so much even when we are healthy. Isnt mental torture enuff. Shouldnt we all be healthy so that the only problem is the mind--and then philosophy and religion can cure its diseases too.

12:50(opstec)
I have joined OPSTeC (College of CS) as a Teaching Associate. Its been a week now. And then I am also going to the academy after this job. A busy, if not hectic, schedule.
This job is interesting. I will be TA for three subjects; Compiler, Operating Systems, and System Programming. All three are of great interest for me, and the future also looks bright coz I may get a couple of subjects of my own from next semester. But...

LGAT result is finally out, came by mail on Saturday. I went to the academy from opstec, where I saw fahim's result. It was good, 90+% in Quatitative and Verbal, and 79% in Analytical. It shows the percentage of ppl who have got less marks then him. So all seems good, although he is a lil worried about the Analytical result. Then as I went home, mine was awaiting me. And man, do I do good at these tests or wat. I mean NUST enterance test was a revelation, then MoST test with so lil prep and the side effects of helping others(loss of precious time during test). And now this LGAT. I got 98.2%, 98.9%, 98.6% in Quantitative, Analytical and Verbal respectively...that is good.. very good. But still there's the interview, and the decision that I have to make. Lets hope things turn out for the best.

Milan champions, beating Juve on penalties. Buffon is the hero for juve, although Dida mistakenly saved 3/5 penatlites, but Buffon really really did wonderfully well. Sad that juve have reached the final 8 times and won only 2, compared to Milans 10 finals and 6 wins. Juve is overall the most balanced top side in Europe.

Have to work. A lot to do, and as usuall I am toying with the time that I do have at my disposal. Only later will I regret this wastage of time.

23:55 (home)
This e-journal is not working that well... so much i could have and should have written here. But I guess I wont be regular as long as I keep using a pvt home connection :-)

Came back from Jhomra today. Milan derby semifinal today. Its too sad and troubling to write of the most recent events. Maybe a summery some time later...maybe not.

Philosophy and mathematics are going well, although at a snails pace, but atleast I am reading and thinking.

A more tangible journal wouldnt be a bad idea.
More Later

0540hrs (home)
Saw this movie "IGby goes down". Was really impressed by it. The story was good. Anyways, although the main character IGBy didnt turn out to be *great*, but he had that rebellious nature, which i believe I possess setting me apart from the normal, and my ego tells me it also makes me better, or higher, or nobler or something. But then I realized that my past or my life so far hasnt been that tumultous. There just hasnt been a catastrophic misfortune--a kind of divine intervention--that would give the much required push towards greatness...or maybe insanity.

Cogito, ergo sum But this doesnot mean that "I think, therefor I am better". This is just an unfortunate dilusion.

Had this amazingly terrible conversation with Fahim on way back from LUMS. Amazing cause we wondered--more then pondering-- from one *great problem* and *big question* to another with amazing ease. Probably because I cant really keep focus on what I want to say, and use up eveething I have in order to sound "authenticatic". To no avail. Confusion confusion confusion... terrible.

LUMS once again looks far and un-grabable. My routine these days is amazing--that is to say that I have no routine. I am sleeping in patches of 3 or 4-5 hrs and mostly more then once in a *Day*, doing almost nothing in between


"There is no way to tell if you are on the right path, you just have to believe that you are"

05:55(home)
So it is finally over.
I reached LUMS at about 0730 hrs; hadnt slept the whole night..like i was up since 2000hrs prev day. So got to LUMS, then met Omer. It was nice to see him walking again, though he is using cruches at the moment. Then we waited there... Fahim also came. And then, there were like these long lines for the LGAT registeration. Show your ID and your LGAT receipt, get a slip and go sit in a room. But as we--Fahim and I-- were planning to stand at the end of a long line, I saw Sir Saqib of BESE3....nice guy. So I stood and chatted with him, told him Omer was also there, we went to where Omer was sitting, and then I met.....lol..THIS IS FUNNY.... I met my boss from Innovative. During my discussions with him, I have not been able to get a deal that I wanted from i2c, but i definitely convinced him to go for the test. So there he was, smiling his smile.

Anyways, after like the line and a long wait in the room, the test started at about 0930hrs... It was on a similar pattern to GRE, although English wasnt that tough. I didnot do great in the test, but i think I did fine. All I can do now is to pray that I get called for interview. So this LGAT affair lasted for 3 hours. Then a breif lunch break. And then the registeration for the Placement Test. Now I was totally unprepared for it. And it was like the summation of the whole degree. There were something like 20 subjects being tested, and I was hoping to waive almost all of them off. But the test didnt go so well. I think except for maybe the programming bits, and one or two other, I would fail miserably. But all of that doesnot hold any value or importance right now... Getting admitted is the key.

Then at about 1700 hrs or maybe even a lil later we got free.. Can u imagin..thats like almsot 10 hrs of time that I spent either waiting for the test, or actually appearing in them.PHEEEWW

Dont really know what to do right now. i2c isnt clear. Must get a job of some sort. A lot of confusion, a lot of indecision.. need a damn good stroke of luck...or need to move my butt around


"Hoping, waiting, thinking, dreaming, sleeping, waking, life is taking, i am faking, must be... must we.. do it..do that... we do..we did..we shall ..we should... we would.. They say, we do...we say, they do... whos true..whos true"

0320 (home)
I was up late as usually last night, and like after the fajr prayer time, there were like some wierd sounds, like big blasts somewhere in the distance,,, and i was like .. here we go.. Indias here... And the worst part is that initially i was kind of excited by it all... but the sissy i am , it didnt take much time for me to realize what was probably going to happen. I Ran to the living room and turned on the tv... GEO then CNN then BBC...but no news... Later i realized that it aws March 23, so it wasnt unusally.. .probably 21 tooppooon kee salamee thee..

Spend a considerable amount of time infront of TV, a lot of news and developement about hte war.... all sickening. There were pictures of dead american soldiers, which were lurid enough, enough to make me wanna throw up. But the thing that disturbed me most was the video about the PoWs. Really man. They looked so scared, and confused, and they werent ur hard-faced, die-hard soldiers. They were some supply guys. Really just doing their jobs, slightly messing it up, And they looked so out of place.. so miserable, so not-evil... like little kids who have made some mistake and were surrounded by ppl. And they wer being interviewed... and one of them was responding with a stupidified look on his face... sheer desperassion..like where am I...and ofcourse surrounded by ppl speaking some hostile foriegn language never helps... so he had this sick, desparate, eagerness towards understanding what he was being asked... it all made me feel bad about his unfourtunate position. I could have been him. He was just doing his job... maybe he also believed in Saddam being satan...but who can blame him... but then who can u blame

All these politicians, and jingoist, and generals... i hope they all see someone they dearly love die in their own hands... ofcourse a timely death... but in their hands and partly due to their own fault.. and i hope they feel guilty about it..and all the fucking ppl they kill ...


"Life is not all sugar and cakes honey"

19:40 (home)
Was reading through this poll and there were some pretty interesting comments there. I also posted one, but so far noone seem to find it interesting. :)

This dialogue caught my eye.

Unfortunately, the stupidity doesn't seem limited to one side. All along this was a catch-22 for Saddam. U.N.: "You have to give up the weapons." Iraq: "Okay, I suppose you can come in and look around." U.N."We ain't finding much. There's some stuff, though. We'll destory it." U.S.:"Give up all your weapons." Iraq:"Okay." U.N.:"We're going to continue looking for the weapons." U.S.:"Well, we think he's hiding them. Fuck you, U.N. Iraq, Prove they don't exist." Iraq:"Uhh. You can't prove that, can you?" U.S.:"I dunno, prove it anyway." Iraq: "Uhh." U.S.:"Say sir when you say, 'Uhh.'"

GRE still up my ass... For the last couple of days i have been just wasting time. This vocabulary building is fun, coz its really really helping me. I mean even the news on CNN,BBC and funny sitcomes like Friends make more sense when you are familiar with terms like "itinerary, construed, conundrum etc etc"... but its the fine shades of meanings, the connotations, the pronunciating, the subtelity, and to top it all the shortage of time that hurts.. I know i have to prepare for other sections as well... i need to like dedicate half the time to practice.. Man I should work harder.

Why does this stupid test mean so much. I have not felt so much pressure ever before. Like ther were similar test after FSc, and the MoST test as well. But this time its different, i dont know why. The past whole year might have something to do with it.


"To do and wat to do, That is the question" :-)