This has otherwise been known as "Boot Camp" or "Basic Training" for generations of soldiers.

So put one underneath every one of those trough urinals in football stadiums and hockey rinks. Use the power generated to run the stadium lights, recharge electric cars, or hydrolyze water to create fuel for more portable fuel cells.

FTFS:
Unless the default settings were altered during deployment, impacted systems are using a known key

You missed an important bit there. It's very probably stored on an EPROM or SD Card, requiring physical access to the DASDECs. Some of my employer's products are used in the same market (local TV stations) and that's a pretty common method of configuring equipment for a particular customer.

Hard-coded, as in: Yes it's code, but there's no external interface protocol which permits changing the keys. In order to alter it, you have to remove the unit from the rack, take the cover off, and then you can upload a new config file. More recent products use external USB ports, but I bet these DASDECs are older than that...

Aye. Heartily seconded. See my sig.

A state wherein only the government is entitled to privacy is not a nation of free men.

It would smell like a small cafe full of appreciative Vikings and a visiting British couple complaining about the food.

Yes, it would resemble the outcome of this 1986 Trident II test, which I have seen captioned as "Navy Successfully Tests New Self-seeking Missile" in this still photo.

Or possibly fimicolous.

No it isn't. I recommend you brush up on the concept of pulse width modulation.