An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual
to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four
in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which
of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the
conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing
you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It
just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
it's just there. A THOUGHT is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked
the second man.

"Hmm.! ... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know
that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hear! ing the three previous answers, It's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK,
BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped in my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!!!!

Ocean or Lake?
Lake. I have great memories of Long Lake in upstate NY from the late 70s

Pizza or Chinese?
Chinese, especially authentic Hunan

Mansion or Penthouse?
Mansion. With acreage

Have you been on a Jet Ski?
No.

Are you afraid of clowns?
No

How many brothers/sisters do you have?
One older sister. One younger brother. Two younger sisters (one deceased)

Favorite band/group?
Bob Wills and His Texas Playboys

Baseball or football?
Baseball

Favorite brand of makeup?
I've been known to use some La Pairie, eye puff/dark circle eliminator on long international trips

Waffles or pancakes?
Waffles

Do you have an iPod?
No. Nor any other portable music player

Bike or scooter?
Bike

Ever go in a hot air balloon?
No.

How will you celebrate turning 21?
Geez... There's a time machine that will allow me to travel backwards 26 years?

What brand computer do you have?
Apple/Dell/IBM/Sony I have lots of computers

How many times have you been to DisneyWorld?
I was married at DisneyWorlsd (I am not making this up)

Favorite city?
To live? Boston. To visit? Munich.

Ice cream or frozen yogurt?
Ice cream.

Do you think you are fat?
No. I know I am overweight by about 25 lbs.

Ever throw up in a public place?
Yup. And I've been thrown up upon in a public place. Just wait 'til you have kids.

Do you have a pool?
Does the inflatbale one for the kids count?

Ever drive a car?
Many, many cars, trucks, a snow cat in the Canadia Arctic and a 40ft RV several times each summer.

How many times a month do you go to the movies?
Netflix is my friend

Last movie you saw?
Uh, Toy Story 2. Oh, last grownup movie? Midnight Run. Is there such a thing as a bad DiNiro movie?

Who is your hero?
My dad, Larry Bird, and my old chocolate lab, Hershey, in that order

How old are your parents?
My mom's 83, dad's deceased, but would have been 80 and I miss him terribly.

What deceased person would you like to meet?
My paternal grandfather. He died when my dad was a boy.

Do you chew ice?
On occassion.

Have you been to California?
I have lived in California for the past 23 years

Last book you read? And finished?
Capital Murder by William Burnhart. Previous to that, Market Forces by Richard Morgan (stick to Kovacs, Dick), Cell by Stephen King and Broken Prey by John Sanford.

Favorite teacher?
High school French teacher, Mr Jourcin

Do you like to go fishing?
Yes. I'm teaching my 6 yr old boy, who, for his very first fish, landed a 22" 6lb rainbow trout. Try resetting those expecatations.

How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?
Too many girfriends to count. I was single until age 37.

How many of those do you regret?
None. The all comprise some part of who I am today..

What is your average in school?
High. Very high.

Favorite professional team?
Minnesota Vikings.

Do you like mohawks?
They were a pretty proseperous tribe in upstate NY back in the day.

How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Probably a dozen or so.

Do you floss?
1-2x daily

Do you have braces?
No. I probably should have though, especially the lowers.

Do you bite your nails?
Unfortunately yes. Hard habit to break.

What is your last thought before falling asleep?
I tend to fall asleep reading.

Do you fall in love easily?
Not since meeting my wife. OK, I fell in love pretty easily with my kids too.

Ever have a crush and they never knew?
Oh yeah.

Do you babysit?
I'm told when their my kids, it's called "parenting". I get enough of it from my own two do even think about sitting for others.

Ever been shot at?
Yes. In anger.

Do you work out/exercise?
Nowhere near as much as I should.

Do you have 6 pack abs?
They're under there somewhere.

Do you consider yourself nice?
For the most part.

What movie character would you like to be?
Jack Ryan in Hunt for Red October.

Do you go to camp for the summer?
When I was a kid, yes. Now we RV.

Ever been bit by a snake?
Yes. It hurts.

Have you been on a boat?
Both and ships, yes. I used to crew for a friend with a great sailboat.

Name of friend you have known the longest?
Buddy of mine from when we were 13 or so.

Do you like jumping on a trampoline?
It's ok, but I don't usually look for trampoline opportunities.

Ever break a bone?
Yes. Right tibia near ankle at age 15.

Name of favorite Aunt/Uncle?
I really liked both my maternal Uncle Ed and my paternal Uncle Jack. Both deceased and I miss them both.

What is your ultimate job?
Challenging with an ability to make a big impact. I realize that I have just described the job of Human Cannonball.

Do you want to walk on the moon?
Yes.

Can you name the seven dwarfs?
Goofy, Sloppy, Angry, Silly, Baldy, Itchy, Gassy, and Horny.

Favorite TV show?
Good Eats

Apples or oranges?
If Clementines count as an orange, then oranges, otherwise, apples.

Favorite model of car?
BMW E39 M5

Favorite flower?
Narcissus

Favorite color?
Blue

Besides family, ever have someone of the opp sex in your bedroom?
Yes. Our babysitter. No, my last name is not Kennedy.

Ever climb out your bedroom window?
Yes.

Do you live in an apartment or house?
House

How many times in the last month have you had the hiccups?
None

Ever laugh so hard milk came out your nose?
Probably, but I don't remmeber.

How many cousins do you have?
Eight first cousins. One deceased.

Do you believe in ghosts?
Not until I see one.

If you were a bird, what would you be?
Some kind of raptor.

Ever get stitches?
Too many to count. I was a rough and tumble kid.

If you could, would you want to know what your future was going to be?
No. No point in getting up in the morning then.

How many kids do you want to have?
Two. My wife wants another, but we're done.

If you could change your name, what would it be?
I'm very happy with the one I have now.

Dogs or cats?
Dogs.

Who do you tell your problems to?
My wife.

Who can your tell your secrets to and know they won't tell?
My wife.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
I ddi many times. The last time, it stuck. :)

Do you go to church?
No, and it kind of bothers me from time to time.

Would you marry outside your religon?
I would have, but ended up not doing so.

Volleyball or tennis?
Volleyball.

How many people were at your last party?
Oh geez... about 40?

Ever ride in a limo?
Yes, the thrill is long gone.

Ever drink champagne?
From time to time. NV Veuve Clicquot is my favorite afforable champagne

Favorite dinner?
Red meat and gin (originally said by Julia Child)

My boss forwarded this to me.

A store that sells New Husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
      woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
      operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
      attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor,
      or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to
      exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

    On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
    Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

    The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and
      are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep
      going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 -These men have jobs,
      love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh,
      mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have
      jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have
      a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
      reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
      men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
      impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A New Wives Store opened across the street.
    The first floor has wives that love sex.
    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

    The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

From NY Times columnist, David Pogue: ...That, of course, would violate the rules for being an Internet pill, reprinted here in their entirety, courtesy of the Pills of the American Internet Neighborhood Society (PAINS):

RULES FOR TROLLS AND PILLS

WHEREAS, 95 percent of all the e-mail received by critics and columnists is civil, friendly or respectfully constructive;

but WHEREAS, this is the Internet age, and we're all anonymous and can avoid making eye contact forever;

and WHEREAS, there's so much information overload, a little heat and drama on your part may be necessary just to be heard above the din;

and WHEREAS, many of those who fire off potshots are missing out on some of the best techniques for effective snippiness;

THEREFORE let us now post the rules for membership in the Pills of the American Internet Neighborhood Society.

1. Use the strongest language possible. Calling names is always effective, and four-letter words show that you mean business.

2. Having a violent opinion of something doesn't require you to actually try it yourself. After all, plenty of people heatedly object to books they haven't read or movies they haven't seen. Heck, you can imagine perfectly well if something is any good.

3. If it's a positive review that you didn't like, call the reviewer a "fanboy." Do not entertain the notion that the product, service, show, movie, book or restaurant might, in fact, be good. Instead, assume that the reviewer has received payment from the reviewee. Work in the word "shill" if possible.

4. If it's a negative review, call the reviewer a "basher" and describe the review as a "hatchet job." Accuse him of being paid off by the reviewee's *rival*.

5. If it's a mixed review, ignore the passages that balance the argument. Pretend that the entire review is all positive or all negative. Refer to it either as a "rave" or a "slam."

6. If you find a sentence early in the article that rubs you the wrong way, you are by no means obligated to finish reading. Stop right where you are--express your anger while it's still good and hot! What are the odds that the writer is going to say anything else relevant to your point later in the piece, anyway?

7. If the writer responds to your e-mail with evidence that you're wrong (for example, by citing a paragraph that you overlooked), disappear without responding. This is the anonymous Internet; slipping away without consequence or civility is your privilege.

8. Trolling is making a deliberately inflammatory remark, one that you know perfectly well is baloney, just to get a rise out of other people. Trolling is an art. Trolling works just fine for an audience of one (say, a journalist), but of course the real fun is trolling on public bulletin boards where you can get dozens of people screaming at you simultaneously. Comments on religion, politics or Mac-vs.-Windows are always good bets. The talented troll sits back to enjoy the fireworks with a smirk, and never, ever responds to the responses.

9. Don't let generalities slip by. Don't tolerate simplifications for the sake of a non-technical audience. Ignore conditional words like "generally," "usually" and "most." If you read a sentence that says, for example, "The VisionPhone is among the first consumer videophones," cite the reviewer's ignorance and laziness for failing to mention the prototype developed by AT&T for the 1964 World's Fair. Send copies of your note to the publication's publisher and, if possible, its advertisers.

And there you have it: the nine habits of highly effective pills. After all: if you're going to be a miserable curmudgeon, you may as well do it up right!

Currently, I have an old B&W G3 Mac, a dual P3-600Mhz linux box & a P4-1.7Ghz Windows machine. With the new iMac coming on Tuesday, the goal is to consolidate the three. Getting rid of the G3 is trivial, as it's essentialy just used for iMovie. Move over the movies and trash it. The linux box has been relegated to some sw development and mail reader. Oh, it's also the primary DNS for my domain. I'll move my primary to my machine in the colo that also hosts Network Mirror and move the data for sw dev and email to the new Mac. Trash the old linux box. That leaves the Windows box.

The Windows machine is, though I hate to admit it, somewhat of a workhorse. I rip all my dvds there. Quicken, which I use religiously, is there too. Also all of the MS Office bits, including Project and Visio. Photoshop + Nikon Capture round out the main uses.

I'm fortunate to have a copy of MS Office 2004 for the Mac, and Nikon Capture is a dual OS CD (Win/Mac). I don't know what to do about Photoshop. I dread having to lay out major $$$ for something I already own. Does Adobe permit tranferring across platforms? I also need to solve for ripping dvds (making backups of my legally owned copied, of course), Project and Visio. Quicken can be moved, but it will be a PITA. Any idea for replacing DVD Decrypter, DVD Shrink, Visio & Project? I'd love to get some space back in my home office, and, living in CA, I'd also like to reduce my electric bill.

I had been looking at the "Submit Order" button at the Apple Store for a refurbed iMac on and off for the past month, always finding some reason to wait "just one more day". Yesterday, after hearing the announcement of the Intel iMac, I did two things: 1) breathed a huge sigh of relief that, for once, my procrastination paid off and 2) ordered a 20" one off the Apple web store as soon as it went live. It currently shows a ship date of Friday the 13th (gulp), but my inside Apple source from flyertalk.com says it should ship from Asia later today and arrive on Tuesday. I am as excited as a kid before Christmas. I can finally ditch my old B&W G3.

More when I get it in my hot, little hands.

Two housewives are chatting over the back yard fence one Friday afternoon.

One of them says to the other, "My husband Harry just called. He says he's bringing me home a dozen red roses. I guess that means I'll be spending the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."

The other one says to her, "What! Don't you have a vase?"

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A few weeks ago, I purchased a Panasonic DMC-FZ20 (yes, I know about the 30). I was primarily attracted to it because of the beautiful Leica 36-432mm f/2.8 lens. In short, it's a great camera that takes great pictures. Battery life could be better, but one can say that about a lot of digital cameras.

It does have one shortcoming that was very surprising, especially with the f/2.8 lens. Indoor/low light perfomance sucks! It's good with the Sunpak 383 flash, but then you end up fiddling with the exposure settings to get it right, much like a manual camera (except that you can quickly check your work and adjust if you don't like it).

After playing for a couple weeks, I quickly realized that I really want the features of a full-fledged DSLR. So this morning my new Nikon D70s arrived. I'm as happy as a clam.

Oh, on an unrelated note, I will be starting a new job much sooner than expected. One of my friends (an Internet "name") contacted me out of the blue to join him in a skunk-works product for a large silicon valley company. It's a very lucrative offer and a chance to work with him and a couple of other "names" as well. The only downside is I will be leaving IT PHB-land and becoming a systems architect instead. S'ok.... I can do that for a couple years, especially since the comp is really sweet.

OK, I'm really as happy as a giant clam!

Note: This was submitted to Ask Slashdot where it languished for two weeks in a Pending state before finally being rejected sometime yesterday

My former company has just closed its US operation (of which I was a part) and I find myself with a couple of months of downtime before starting work again. I'd love to put that time to productive use in the FOSS community, but to be honest, my coding skills are a bit rusty as I have primarily been a PHB for the past 14 yrs. Does anybody know of some good way to volunteer "PHB time" and if so, how?

I guess people have forgotten common "administer", especially those in careers relating to systems administration. I can't tell you how many times I see "administrate" on resumes.

Guess which pile they end up in?

Slashdot requires you to wait between each successful posting of a comment to allow everyone a fair chance at posting a comment.

It's been 3 minutes since you last successfully posted a comment

Chances are, you're behind a firewall or proxy, or clicked the Back button to accidentally reuse a form. Please try again. If the problem persists, and all other options have been tried, contact the site administrator.

4 minutes????

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit),a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger. Then, I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand. I work from side to side, until I can get both hands inside. Then, I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot butthole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS.

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing(3M) Corp.)

7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25 page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me. (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) [and we wonder why we have problems with Windows...]

12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said,"If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

13. And finally...the WINNER!! As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo, in one of the sentences, I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" ("in the manner of a school teacher") used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?)working in her company. Finally, she showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)