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Geek Horoscopes 70

Chops-Frozen-Water writes "Your horoscope for next year can be found on Salon. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll say, "Hey! I resemble that!" And remember, The Stars Are Right. " Just for the record, I am an Aries.
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Geek Horoscopes

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  • by Anonymous Coward
    this is first haiku
    i have beaten everyone
    moderate me down
  • I'm a Scorpio -- We're not superstitious.


  • Your New Year's resolution: Finish your current project on time and under budget.
    What you will actually do: Toy with the rough edges of how much time you can spend on Slashdot while just barely meeting project deadlines.

    But wasting ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H spending time on /. is my current project. :P

  • by rlkoppenhaver ( 101366 ) on Saturday December 18, 1999 @08:52PM (#1462275) Homepage
    I mean, come on? Who really believes in horoscopes, anyway? It's such a load of unscientific garbage made up by a bunch of silly people looking at the stars and making things up. I think that it's a sad, sad sign of the times that we live in today that people, desperate for some guidance, look to such unfounded, useless things such as horoscopes. What a load of manure!

    After all, it's a well known fact that the only true way to predict the future is tarot readings.
  • but for some truly delicious ones, check out The Onion. [] It's the section on the left under the pictures
  • Will this be the year you get an office that's not the server room?

    Salon is obviously out of it. I wish I could get an office in the server room! That would rock! Of course all that EMR would probably make me sterile or give me cancer or something, but hey, I've never really wanted kids anyway. :P

    Oh, OK, it's occured to me that maybe they meant it in a negative way (ie, it would be bad if youre office was not the server room).
  • For libra:
    Heads up! Hackers will exploit Y2K hoopla as the perfect diversion. While the rest of the world screams "fire," they're quietly gutting the corporate data cores and decrypting sensitive financial records on Linux-based parallel supercomputers. They will attempt to high-five each other, and miss. Don't worry, a Gemini firewall admin takes the heat.
    That's exactly what I was talking about five minutes ago! It should be fun for non libras, too... and not just because clinton said not to.
  • I was born between late March and late April, but the horoscope doesn't fit at all. Must be because I'm not a geek. Or maybe my parents lied?
  • What you will actually do: Go to a mega-bookstore. Buy coffee. Get waylaid by new O'Reilly technical reference guide with Tasmanian mouse lemur on the cover. Never make it to the fiction section.

    This is horrible. I work at Barnes and Noble and make espresso all day in the Cafe for rich jerks, while i read O'reilly perl books on breaks. Sigh...
  • Heck, I'll leave your score alone, because at least you're original.
  • Is that they classify the entire population into 12 groups. This might have been resonable when the population of the earth was 36, but we cannot be reasonable expected to believe that there are 500 million scorpios who all are going to lose their keys on the same day.

    And why did they have the date range listed beside the different signs? Would anyone that actually descided to read their horoscope then think to them selves "Wait! I don't know what my sign is!"
    For that matter, does *anyone* in western civilization not know what sign they are anyway? Isn't it required knowledge to get a passport or something?
  • It seems Salon has learned of the Slashdot Beowulf tradition:

    "While the rest of the world screams "fire," they're quietly gutting the corporate data cores and decrypting sensitive financial records on Linux-based parallel supercomputers..."
  • by poink ( 7454 )
    I'm glad that I'm not the only one suckered in by the Fry's "hall of temptations".
  • It says that my New Year's resolution is to "stop spending money on expensive electronic gadgets."

    What! No! It can't be! I really want a DVD player! I have to have a Palm Pilot! I need another computer for my firewall!

    I guess there's some redemption in the "What you will actually do" category: buy a spare Palm VII for the bathroom.

    But y'know, a magazine for the bathroom beats a Palm VII every time. You can't tear out pages from a Palm if you run out of toilet paper.
  • Actually it is because Neptune is in the wrong place. To rectify this, I prepose that we construct a large craft designed to land on the suface of Neptune and shift its orbit via the detonation of several large nucular explosives, thus allowing your horoscopes to be more acurate in future.

    Surely the comfort of knowing the future is worth the several billion dollars this will cost :o)
  • . . . and yet strangely compelling . . .

    Scorpio: "Your New Year's resolution: Stop spending money on expensive electronic gadgets."

    Perhaps I should take this seriously . . . I mean, it can't be healthy saving up for a dual K7 box. They're not even out yet . . .

    "What you will actually do: Buy a spare Palm VII for the bathroom."

    Damn! I hadn't thought of that! Now I'll have to postpone that K7 box another month . . . at least, unless they don't come out till I've got the money together . . .

    Addicted? Me? Well, yes . . .
  • Hey, as someone born on June 21, I don't know my sign. Some horoscopes classify me as a Gemini, others claim I'm a Cancer. I assume this happens with other people born on the edges of the categories. I guess like all systems, horoscopes have off-by-one errors.
  • by Hrunting ( 2191 ) on Saturday December 18, 1999 @09:33PM (#1462289) Homepage
    Everyone knows that all you really need is a copy of fortune and you're set. I don't need some half-wit, just-out-of-undergrad, faux journalism major telling me what my life is all about when I can trust a computer program.
  • by Wanker ( 17907 ) on Saturday December 18, 1999 @09:50PM (#1462290)

    And of course the best way for a geek to read tarot is with a deck custom-built [] with him in mind.

    My favorite cards:

    Yes, these can be used just like real Tarot cards. Don't know how to use Tarot cards? I'd suggest starting with the alt.tarot FAQ [], just like any good Internet junkie would.

  • That's the best argument I've seen yet not to do away with first posting :-)

    Not to mention the only thing on slashdot that's made me laugh out loud!
  • Being a Scorpio myself, I do follow a very *very* close interpritation of a text-book Scorpio.. Read about the generic Scorpio personality, and that's me.. =]

    On a side note, I somewhat agree, since only really once has a horroscope of mine "come true" But having that happen (In the place I read it, it was almost word for word what happened) was one of the trippiest (Is that a word?) things that ever happened to me. A few times I've had minor things "come true", but nothing worth being special.

    Maybe we *do* control our own fate, and can sort-of warp events in some wild way to make other events happen because we believe they will happen. =] Just my thought.
  • I didn't know what my sign was till one of my friends went through this horoscope period. Now I know for sure I'm a Aries. However, I have no idea what the other signs are nor do I even know the date span of my sign. All I do know is if you are Aries you are born in either March or April.
  • The problem with this is the fact that I only get a fortune once every month or so (when I reboot for that kernel update) and relog into X. So we still need palces like salon. And beside, running fortune when you aren't logging in is definetly not kosher and I've heard is punishable by death on some systems.
  • Okay, so it's completely wrong on the horoscope bit, but the prediction is right. The last time I've been able to make it to the fiction section was on Amazon; I clicked on a link from IMDB and ordered the book right away (before procceeding to add two O'Reilly books to my cart). I *never* find the Real Books section of a Real Bookstore; the cute animal lithos always get me. :)

  • Gullibility runs high for most signs ....

  • Yes you can. Palm VIIs are dishwasher safe. Try it some time.

  • Yea you may save $10 on a new video card, buy you blow at least that much on nachos and cheesy poofs. shit.
  • by Anonymous Coward
    Wasn't that Kevin Mitnick's horoscope every single day for the past few years? Well, except for the "left for dead by the side of the road" thing.
  • Lots of website have that sort of thing going on.. Check this one out, but make sure your parents don't find out, as it is very evil. click this blind link []
  • Are you kidding? You've never heard of the "fortune Productivity Virus"? It's much worse than the User Friendly Productivity Virus.. and much more addictive. There's only about two years * 365 UF comics, but tens of thousands of fortune entries! :)

    (It's for when you're REALLY desparate to waste time...)
  • Oh boy, you just nailed my life. But for me surfing Slashdot is more of a career move than a project, a CLM that is :)

  • Don't you just hate geek impulse buying? Last week, I saw a 600MHz Alpha workstation for $1600 and bought it on the spur of the moment. My wife's gonna kill me...

  • Isn't it strange that astrologists don't agree when Aquarius ends and Pisces starts?

    In most horoscopes I see Aquarius ends 19th February, but in others 20th or 18th (like in
    this one).

  • And fuck, my company was signing a deal at Goldman & Sachs last friday, and I'm a skeptics, and ... damn it, WHAT IS GOING ON????
  • Editor's Note:Salon Technology introduces Geek Astrology, a monthly horoscope for the pocket-protector set"

    Just curious, but i thought that NERDS wore pocket protectors. Isn't slashdot a GEEK oriented site?

    Then again.. 'News for nerds, Stuff that matters."

    Of course, one might argue that none of this matters.. so this whole post is redundant.

    (How many of you actually wear pocket protectors??)

  • heard on a news report.... (maybe)

    "Astrology gained a huge amount of support by the scientific community today when one twelfth of the worlds population got hit by a truck"

    Astrology started when the Egyptians noticed that as soon as a certain constellation rose over the horizon, the Nile would floor four days later (or something similar). In short, using the sky as a calendar and using that to work out the seasons. It makes as much sense as looking at a calendar and predicting that it will be five days until Christmas, and calling that "astrology".

    And FWIW, I don't know what my sign is. My birthday is May 21 - next time you read a horoscope, check for me. It varies!
  • Horoscopes are hogwash. The selection of a fortune cookie is sensitively attuned to the collective intuitions and borderhouse reach of the diners.
  • You guys are only reading the horoscope as relates to your sun sign (meaning, the sign the sun was in at the time of your birth - for those of you on the fringes, you can have your chart done [] to figure it out once and for all). The other planets and the moon, and the signs they were in, as well as the houses, the aspects, ad infinitum, all contribute to your personal horoscope.

    Astrology isn't about predicting events, it's about going with the flow of energy, living in tune with the motions of the heavens, and seeking out the patterns in your life. Sounds like New Age hippie talk to most of you, I imagine, but like any religion or form of divination, you have to have a little blind faith. A real astrologer works mathematical equations and ponders the mysteries of life...those psychic hotlines give astrology a bad rap.

    Here are some other useful links, ranging from the informative to the silly.
    Real Astrology []
    Astrology Zone []
    JavaScopes []

    The Divine Creatrix in a Mortal Shell that stays Crunchy in Milk

  • Basically, there is a day that is on the "cusp" of two signs. Some people born on that day are one sign, some are another. It has to do with the time and location of the person's birth, in that case. In fact, any astrology that goes beyond just your sun sign makes use of the time and place of birth as well as just the date (and I've found that the more-complex astrology has a degree of specificity and accuracy that the simple newspaper column lacks, but I still don't base my life on it).

    Why do I know this? Mostly because I was born on the Libra/Scorpio cusp (October 23rd). I spent several years insisting I was a Scorpio because my mom's a Libra and we look sufficiently alike that for a while I heard "You must be Diane's daughter!" constantly and was sick of it and didn't want to be like mom. Then I had a natal chart done and well, it turns out I'm a Libra after all. :)
  • I consider myself to not even have a star sign - such is my disgust at the way that astrologers and almost everyone else wants to label me depending on the range of days that my birthday falls in. When people ask what is my star sign and I say "No, don't have one" - you should see the puzzled expression on their face. Like their whole world is caving in because they didn't realise that you can do that .

  • well see if any of them are true let me just pick some possible happenning out of a hat or use a random number generator to see who is more accurate :)
  • holy shit, i laugh
    it's a haiku, not 'First Post!'
    i sense a new trend

  • I'm tempted to disallow outbound access on my home firewall to Its just too tempting ... unless I start picking up those stripped down compaq proliant 5500R Xeons and get all of my boxes up off of the floor and into a rack ...
  • I'm a fencepost error, myself (vernal equinox). It makes it a little harder to use myself to convince people the stuff is bunk, since the system already distinguishes me as an exception.
  • {\HPL
    Sounds like Y2K's going to be worse than we thought. Time to memorize "Come All Ye Old Ones"...

  • This is as offtopic as an offtopic thing with a degree in offtopicness from the Massachusetts Institute of Offtopicality, but the abovementioned site [] has a link [] to the funniest and most entertaining thing I've read since Old Man Murray [] was slashdotted [] a couple of weeks ago. It's blurbed as follows (for those who prefer to teleport non-blind):

    On another lighter note, let me tell you the story of Fry, and how the Internet got him laid. He was in a Yahoo chat room talking to a married woman who lived near him, and they decided to meet. The story isn't as simple as that though, as you will find out if you decide that you feel like reading a true account of a regular [21] year old guy who found out that there is more to life than playing Quake 3. Check out the story here [], it's pretty erotic in a perverted Dawson's Creek sort of way.

    I could bring this back ontopic by linking the obligatory Richard Dawkins Astrology 99 buglist [], or citing 'the very real phenomenon that the birth days of proficient sports people tend to be distributed very non-uniformly across the seasons' [] [Dudink, A. (1994), Birth date and sporting success, Nature 368, p.592.], or whiffle on about horoscopes as Dicemanesque Mission Packs.

    But how unfunny would that be on an 'It's funny. Laugh.' topic? And anyway, I aint no steenkin' Jon Katz.

  • by Anonymous Coward
    Could've been scatman, chill brotha.
  • well, found the geek astrology dissapointing - yes, meant to be funny but not however I'm wondering are there many geeks out there like me who enjoy using astrology as another mindset - good astrology as a poetic and symbolic tool to relate your life to - I find when I read astrology it forces me out of locked mindsets I have about myself and about people around me - this is full astrology stuff of course - with proper planetary analysis and so on - reading a description of yourself or others really can force you to challenge your thinking - is that how I (he/she) really am (are)? - even if you don't agree the thought process prompted can be valuable any similar feelings?
  • To top it all of 2000 is the year of the Dragon! All of you non Dragon's beware.
  • Before your wife kills you can I have your Alpha? :-)

  • Decent translations of anything are hard to find. That aside, however, the system IS much more complex than most people realize. Where, when, and how you were born affect the 'readings', not to mention all kinds of other things. I, for example, am a capricorn - but because of where/when I was born, about half of the 'houses' are in aquarius. Also known in some circles as earth over water. How's that for a combo? *grin* However, the main point - today - of astrology is that it's FUN.

    If you believe in it wholeheartedly without question, you are either a time traveler from long ago or a flake (or a new-age freak, but they usually fall under 'flake' anyway). However, it is a fun diversion, and one of the superstitions that is semi-acceptable in our society. It's ok to look up your horoscope avidly every day - especially if you talk about it with the prefix "I don't believe in this crap, but...."

    We do need some superstitions - regimentalized ones called religion, sporadic ones that are still called superstitious, whatever they are, we need myths in our lives. Even those who are heavily atheist believe in something - themselves, the universe, Science, whatever. Without these beliefs we become soulless beasts, we lose our sense of wonder. There is almost always some form of illogical cling to something Bigger Than Ourselves. Lonely life without that, and horribly depressing.

    On the note of these predictions in particular, they don't seem to think much of the Geek Set. Particularly not capricorns - they think we're all doomsaying, paranoid freaks with hyperactive egos and big mouths. Ok, so I've got the big mouth. *grin* And I do tend to argue myself blue in the face trying to get the last word in when I feel it's important. But I'm not paranoid, I swear!

    They really are out to get me! I saw it on a button! I swear! *wicked grin*

  • Notice how the entries got shorter and shorter? Capricorn was a good 200 words, but Sagittarius was a measely 40 words!!
  • Can someone explain me the logic of this moderation? Troll???? WTF??
  • I consider myself a geek but I have never seen a Pocket Protector, let alone buy one. Slashdot should do a poll too find out if anyone actually does were them (whatever the hell the are!) and try to check out other things attributed to geeks (no social skills/no girlfriends etc.).
    For me, at least, and the only other true geek I know, this is rubbish
  • Do you think that we can have a haiku forum to write down our thoughts?
  • ACK, that last haiku
    Lost its form when posted here
    Gotta do preview!

    Do you think that
    we can have a haiku forum
    to write down our thoughts?

"With molasses you catch flies, with vinegar you catch nobody." -- Baltimore City Councilman Dominic DiPietro