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Journal bluefairee's Journal: why me? 9

i don't really feel like journaling, but i really dont feel like doing anything, so this'll do for now.

i had a thought in the shower a little bit ago. i've been here, at dave's for a week now. no one has called me or emailed me. i alwasys thought i had a lot of friends. now i know i don't.

their lives have clearly gone on, which is what i'd expected. the only differece is they made such a stink about me killing myself and now that i'm still here i'm left alone. if that was going to be the case then why the hell bother?!

i've gotten more comments and support from strangers on the net then i have from people i've known over 15years. i suppose they could say they don't know where i live or have my new phone number, but i know that is bs. i check my email almost everyday to see if anyone has thought about asking how i'm doing. i'm not checking it anymore.

cry for help or not (it was NOT) i thought people would be there. i mean if you put sooo much effort into not letting me kill myself doesn't it make sense that there would be some kimd of effort to help me stay living and get better?

fuck it. that's what i say. everyday i'm here i hate even more then the day before. i shouldn't be here. i don't want to be. i behave myself because i don't want to fight with dave anymore, especially not with tl here.

right now all i do is yard work becuase it's hard and tiring and takes my mind off of trying to break into dave's car. it also means i sleep hard and long. the less time i'm concious the better.

all i have to say is this REALLY FUCKING SUCKS! i can stay here and behave, go to jail for trying to kill myself, or go to the state hospital. i don't like any of the options, but that's what i got. so here i am. wishing i weren't and hoping that tomarrow i won't wake up or some freak of nature will happen to finish me off.

no luck yet. maybe tomarrow.

blue is really blue

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why me?

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  • and now that i'm still here i'm left alone.

    You have Dave, and he seems to care enough about you for 20 people. Plus there's us out here, and I know it's not necessarily the same as your "friends" in real life. And TL's there now.

    Have you contacted your friends, though? Do they know about your situation? I'd hate for people to think you're just muddling along when they have no idea what happened. Not that you want to broadcast it, but it's a situation I've seen with other people too; you can't expect peo

  • Blue, your friends are dealing with the fact that

    a.) They don't KNOW what to do or say. I mean, honestly, who really knows how to cope with this? You were obviously dealing with a hell of a lot more than you knew how to handle, and probably still are. They may feel confused, puzzled, certainly they feel distanced.

    b.) That's partly because you did something that constitutes a rejection of life and everything IN the life you happened to have, including them. Does this mean that they're right to abandon you
    • Blue, I'd like to echo what Sol has to say. Sometimes it be very difficult for close friends to know who to react to something like (attempted) suicide. There's a whole raft of conflicting emotions that goes through someone's mind when a person close to them attempts, or is successful at, suicide.

      Anger, fear, frustration, confusion, love, hurt, sympathy, empathy - any or all of those emotions may come flooding out. Anger at the fact that you didn't turn to them for help. Anger that you would leave them lik
  • My best friend spent long years in a suicidal state, although many of them were before we became friends. It took me a long time to stop thinking that I could 'fix' him, that somehow if I was funny enough, sympathetic enough, supportive enough, I could make everything ok. Before I managed to straighten my attitude out, I was sometimes afraid to call him, afraid that if I didn't say the right thing, that my presence would do more harm than good.

    I don't know that this is what your friends are dealing with
  • this is a question for you to think about, not a question for you to answer to others, unless answering it to someone else (like me) makes it easier for you to work through your answer.

    what is it that you hate about being here? i'm sure that there is an aweful lot of emotion, but what are the triggers behind those emotions? it might be more than one thing. it's probably a combination of several. if the answer is a really big issue, is it something that can be broken down into smaller issues? the small
  • I care - hang in there. The bad times never last; if you feel really down, please give yourself a chance to get help.

  • daily I stop by here,
    just to check on someone,
    whose appetite in life,
    needs some heavy sharping..

    reading, trying, understanding,
    the pain inside your screen,
    I crawl out of my happy life,
    to see what few have seen..

    I can whish a lot for you,
    talk for hours to you,
    but for now I'll just be reading,
    there's gonna be no condemning you..

    lift the blanket from your eyes,
    wrap yourself in rayes of sunshine,
    just that extra bit of time,
    oh bluefairee, love is life..
  • You've lived a hard life thus far. I talked to you about it a bit, remember?

    I think the world is a better place with you in it. Maybe you don't see it, but me and Dave do(as do a lot of other people).

    Accept that, it's not going to change.

    If people you've never met care about you, you as represented only by your mind, by force of will, but bits and bytes that record what you've decided to say at a moment in time.... Well, obviously, there's something to you that's worth a lot, huh?

"I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens." -- Woody Allen