bluefairee's Journal: changes

so much has happend since my last entry. i still journal elmost everyday, it's just in old fashion form (handwritten).

i stopped typing when i went on leave from work. i wasn't happy about it, but it was the best thing for me. thank goodness i have people who love me and have my best intrest in mind, even if i don't believe they are completly confused.

i was gone for a month, most of which was spent on my couch feeling sorry for myself and hating life. it was my time. time to face demons i'd tried to ignore my whole life. my desire to die had become a constant and a planned event. no more playing around and toying with ideas. i'd had it and was done.

the night i'd planned it, i was trapped at a friends house. i'd been having panic attackes all day and they were only getting worst. i couldn't take it anymore. i knew what pills to buy, where to get them and how much to take. as soon as i lest there i would be on my way. by the time someone wondered where i was i'd have been gone a while. i was stuck when the only way out was thru a room that had four people in it. thank god i completly lost it and got so tired i just fell asleep. if i had made it out i wouldn't be here right now. the next morning i knew i had a discissoin to make. live or not. no more in between.

so here i am. having made this choice i vowed my life would change immediately. if i'm going to be here, then damn it i'm going to enjoy my time! no more doing what ohters want or what i think they want. no more being who i was because of how i grew up. i wanted to be who i wanted, not what circumstanses had created. i care about others feelings, but i will not always put ohters before me.

so, now i'm 30 and my life has done a complete 180. i was looking at my journals the other day and it occured to me that i've purchased ones that i completly adore and sometimes i pull them out just to look at them. for the first time i saw the change. i'd felt it, but i actually had a visual. i'd actally bought something that i loved and disregarded what others might think of it. since then i've gotten a few more. more and more i act insted of react. i'm independant, strong, and beautiful. i know that now.

i'm glad i am still here. it's exciting to see what is around each corner. getting to know myself.

so far, so good, and so lovin' it.

Glad you were 'trapped'.

[TechnoLust]

I knew I had not seen much of you lately, but I didn't realize you had been gone a month. I haven't been paying as much attention to /. lately. I don't know what's going on, and I don't need to. Just know I will be thinking about you and praying about you, and if you need to talk, email me at the address in my /. profile and I will respond as soon as I can.

Sounds like you have turned a corner

[johndiii]

Which appears to be a good thing. I know a person who hit bottom last November, also very close to suicide. He just got out of a residential treatment program on Friday. The worst thing about his whole experience was that he had been getting professional help. But it was not the right sort.

One thing that I've heard from a couple of people (including this person): don't feel compelled to excavate your past, and deal with it in minute detail. What is important is your present. You are the living pr

bank it

[SolemnDragon]

what i mean is, bank that fire of 'will to live,' so that when the enthusiasm fades in and out, as it always does, you'll have it as a habit to fall back on.

but it definitely sounds as if you're on the right track. i'm sorry that it was so hard for you.

sol

I was worried for you...

[arb]

You had disappeared for a while and I started to worry about what had happened. It is good to hear that you are still with us and it sounds like you are heading down the right track.

you chose...wisely

[subgeek]

just think, from now on any other decisions you encounter won't be nearly as big of a deal in comparison.

Welcome back!

[jawtheshark]

In life *and* slashdot. :-)

Re-entry

[sillypixie]

Glad you made it through.

hugs,

Pixie