About 10 days ago I was contacted by a Mr. Edward Jackson who identified himself as an agent for Advanced Dynamic Technology Systems of Loma Linda, California. He stated his company was interested in my research into utilizing negative air pressure to counter the forces of gravity.
He picked me up at the Flying J truck stop in his green 1994 For Taurus last Friday. At least, that is what I thought it was. We pulled onto state highway 99 with the intent to meet with other executives from his company at a nearby Holliday Inn.
This is when things started to get strange. Once we reached a ground speed of 68 miles per hour, the Ford began to change. It occurred to me at this point that the car wasn't so much a car as it was alive. A creature that looked remarkably like a Ford Taurus was then transporting us further along the highway, and then airborne.
We then left the Earth's atmosphere, and proceeded into what I later learned to be an inter-galactic space craft proudly named "The Darling" by Mr. Jackson. Once inside The Darling, we accelerated to hyper-light speed and traveled to a far off universe.
It was at this time Mr. Jackson told me what was really going on. Between his uncontrollable sobbing and his spastic hiccups, this is what I learned:
1. The entire universe is under attack by a massive galactic deity known only as "Migor"
2. Aliens in the shape of Ford Taurus have been living on Earth for several years, living in corporate fleet lots, rental car lots, and the garages of wholly unexceptional individuals.
3. Gravity does not exist. It's an illusion created by too much drinking. Or not enough. I'm not quite sure.
4. My poop is the key to an ancient prophecy, for reasons that are far to advanced for my primitive 'Earth Mind' to comprehend.
After learning all of this, I was taken into a surgery room, where my entire digestive system including stomach, intestines, and other bits and pieces, and replaced with a new digestive system made out of plastic.
I was returned to the flying J truck stop. I was told that my new digestive system would last for 10 billion years, as long as I never rode in a dune buggy. If I took a ride in a dune buggy, I would destroy half of the milky way. I'm not sure if I believe that last part, since Mr. Jackson seemed a little shifty.
I will tell you more when I find out more.