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Journal Ethelred Unraed's Journal: Measuring Ethelredness 9

In another Slashdot discussion, IamBMETammy asks what the measure of a man is.

I was kind enough to provide an answer, but she apparently wanted to order a brochure with further information, because she asks (and I answer) as follows:

How does one measure Ethelredness factor? Or is it only visible to the enlightened (ie: Ethelred).

Essentially it is the futile attempt to compare the hawtttness of a given mortal male to my own glory, and assign a number to it.

I begin to be curious how other men on /. measure up

What a silly question. They don't.

of course I also wonder what the scale is.

From null to Ethelred.

Is this a 0.02 out of 1? or 100? Is it even possible for the pathetic flesh of a human to contain an Ethelred factor of over 5 without exploding?

The sole time anyone actually got over 0.03, the person nearly died in a spontaneous combustion.

Remember when Michael Jackson's hair blew up in a Pepsi commercial? That's what happened. And now look at what's left of him.

Thus only I am capable of containing pure Ethelredness in my person while not causing thermonuclear explosions (except in the throbbing hearts of adoring women-folk).

At this point I would smell my armpit, but I would run the risk of falling madly, totally in love with myself. (Not that this has happened already.)

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Measuring Ethelredness

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  • This street urchin gave me one of those "brochure" tests to find out if I was suitable material for the 1st Church of Tom, Scientologist. He said I was perfect since I had .11 Travoltivity. Now I know he just made that up and that he should have been measuring my Ethelredness. Except you can't. Bastard.
    • by nizo ( 81281 ) *
      So ahh.... you getting lonely over here yet? :-) Or lemme guess, multiply is blocked for you?
      • Nah, I'm just always the last to take the plunge;-) I was the kid who'd be playing in the pool then look around and realize that everyone was out of the pool, showered, and had already been picked up by their mom's;-) My goal is to get Multiply up this week. (Making full use of my entry into the 21st century;-)
    • If Ethelredness is being more Micheal Jackson than Micheal Jackson, I want NOOOO part of it.
  • Pah! What value does this Ethelraedness have when I have the power to guess the volume of turkeys filling any space? For it is *I* Turkey [] Volume Guessing [] Man!!!!
  • So I gather that Ethelredness is a measure of attractiveness. Once encountered, one is captured, never to escape. This makes me ask: in what way is Ethelredness the same as Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Bananaphone [] ?
  • you're like Michael Jackson, but hundreds of times moreso? :)
    • No no no no. He tried increasing his Ethelredness* and his mortal frame was unable to handle the stress.



      * - What was particularly odd was that he tried to do it by drinking Pepsi.

      • by Com2Kid ( 142006 )
        Real men piss coolness.

        Pepsi doesn't even bottle their piss.

        What does pepsi bottle? The piss of the dogs of the men who drank the piss of the men who piss coolness.

VMS must die!