Journal tomhudson's Journal: Gender Education VII - Breaking the News 20
I - Basic Info On Transexuality
II - Are You A Transexual?
III - Social and Moral Implications
IV - Questions by Posters
V - Politics And Gender Identity
VI - What's Involved In A Sex Change
VII - Breaking the News - this article
WHAT: This is the seventh and last in a series of articles I'll be posting over the next little bit about sex, gender and identity.
WHY: Originally, some journal entries by several people have shown the need. It has since been expanded, based on feedback.
RULES: As always, any honest reply or question is welcome, and will be answered, and posted as a top-level JE so that others can read it. This is a sensitive topic, and the people who are most affected are in many cases extremely vulnerable. Please show the same compassion for them as you would want for yourself or a loved one if the situation were reversed.
Breaking "The News"
At some point, transexuals who are thinking of "making a change" have to decide to either drop their current work and social contacts, or divulge their status and their plans to others. It would be a serious understatement to say this is presents challenges. Bosses. Co-workers. Friends. Wife or husband. Kids. Bank manager. Credit card companies. Utilities. The clerk at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Admissions clerks at hospitals and clinics. Pharmacists. Landlords. Neighbours. Librarians. The police at traffic stops.
Look in your wallet or purse, and see just how many cards and pieces of ID you have. Now think of all the places you have to present them. Okay, now think of having to explain why you need to change it from "Jack" to "Jane". Doesn't sound like fun, does it?
A Simple Thought Experiment
Get a piece of paper. Write down 3 names: A friend, a family member, and your boss or teacher.
Next, write a paragraph for each about how you'd tell them you need to get a sex change.
Did you get stuck after the first sentence - the one that says "I have something important to tell you"? Now, how much would someone have to pay you to get you to say "I'm getting a sex change", even as a joke, to your wife, or your boss, or your kids, or your friends? How much more would they have to pay you to stick to that story for a week?
Now reverse it - how do you think someone with NO gender issues would react if you went up to them at a party, and said in a loud voice "Hey, I here you're finally approved for that sex change you've always wanted! Congratulations!" Not too many people would know how to deal with that, even as a joke.
It Takes Courage
As you can see, it's NOT that easy, even as a joke. Now imagine actually doing it. Going up to a friend, and risking them rejecting you. Telling a spouse, and facing a divorce, and possible loss of contact with your childern. Or your boss and co-workers. It would be easier to tell them you're gay or have AIDS. At least people *understand* those.
People don't understand transexualism. And what they don't understand, they fear. And what they fear, they either reject, or attack, or deny.
Courage Comes From Inner Conviction
This may seem obvious, but it still needs to be stated. You won't have the courage to face other people. You won't have the endurance to persevere in reconciling your gender with your anatomical sex if you don't, in some way, already have that strong inner belief that there's a serious mismatch between your mind's gender and your body.
Inner Conviction Comes With Inner Acceptance
Transexuals coming to grips with their transexuality will often go through multiple cycles, where they waver between accepting and self-doubt. When the self-doubt wins out, or they see that the cost is too high (for example, that they will end up hurting someone they love), they will then try to "purge" themselves of anything that reminds them of their predicament, in the hope that getting rid of the physical reminders will lessen the pain engendered by their inner conflict.
This "purging" takes many forms - throwing out clothing and accessories of their target sex, adopting exaggerated "gender-appropriate" behaviours, consciously suppressing it every time they notice it crossing their mind, retreating into meditation or prayer, and taking part in activities (such as sports) that are seen as being "more appropriate".
Its only when you are convinced that, no matter how much you try, the real you isn't something that can be conveniently bottled up and forgotten on a shelf out of the way, that you can really accept who you are. This inner acceptance will give you some measure of peace with the most important person you need to be at peace with - yourself.
People will pick up on this. There are many stories of friends and family who initially expressed doubts or even open hostility when someone started their transition, only to come around when they see the results. "You know, you're more at peace with yourself and the world now. I like you better this way."
You're Sharing Feelings - There Is No Right Or Wrong
Just as nobody has to justify liking one flavour of ice cream over another, nobody has to justify their inner feelings of who they are. We usually ask for justification only when we think someone or something is wrong - for example "Why do you hate so-and-so so much?" However, people are unfomfortable sharing their deepest feelings, and this includes transexuals "coming out" to friends and family.
When you are trying to "explain" how you feel, you'll be tempted to try to justify yourself by pointing to studies, facts, and articles; these are the "safe ground" that can be questioned, attacked, or rejected, without you having to take it personally. Feelings, however, are deeply personal, and its natural to shy away from exploring your feelings with the people you are telling, because any rejection is deeply personal, and comes when you're seeking affirmation, when you're at your maximum vulnerabilty.
Of course, this cuts both ways. The people who you are taking into your confidence also have their own feelings, their own boundaries and comfort zones. It would be amazing if you didn't cross a few borders, trip a few alarms. Their feelings are just as valid to them as yours are to you. For example, if you're telling a spouse, they will definitely feel their world is being threatened.
Don't go into all sorts of explanations. There's an easier way, and its more honest.
Just Tell Them How You Feel
Pick a time and place by mutual agreement, one where you can have some privacy, but that is still public. A restaurant or a park is good.
Let them know that you have something important to tell them, and you will understand if they can't handle it; you won't hold their reactions against them. Let them know that if the situation were reversed, you couldn't say how you'd react, and that if they have any questions, you'll try to answer them, but that you may not even know the answers yourself yet.
Then just tell them how you feel, that you've felt that way for a long time, that you've tried everything possible to deny it but that just makes you more messed up, you're unhappy, and would like their understanding while you try to work it out with professional help.
No window dressing. No justifications. No web links or printouts. No books. Just good old-fashioned one-on-one "I have a problem and would like your help."
Of course, there's no reason why you can't have some material prepared to leave with them for afterwards, but try to avoid referring to it during your conversation. And be prepared to listen. Hard. But don't push for a response one way of the other.
If things go bad, thank them anyway, and leave. Don't push it. This is why I recommend a public place, even for close family members. Unlike a home setting, you can hopefully prevent the situation from degenerating by quickly paying the bill and leaving. Also, people are less likely to create a scene in a public place.
The First Time Is The Hardest
Fortunately, there's only one "first time." If you're lucky, and you've chosen right, you will find that your social support network is still intact. If you've chosen unwisely, you haven't lost anything except your pride, and you'll quickly learn who your real friends are. So even the worst possible outcome isn't a total disaster, when viewed from that perspective.
Who To Tell
Perhaps its the holiday season, but I think a good approach is to "make a list, and check it twice." Take a piece of paper and write down the names of each person you know, and ask yourself if they really need to know, and if so, how you expect them to react (not how you *hope* they'll react. Be honest).
You can divide people into 4 groups: family, friends, work/social, and other. Each group presents different challenges.
Telling The Wife (Or Husband)
( From here on, I'm going to again assume for the sake of simplifying these examples, that you are a male-to-female transexual. The same advice applies to female-to-males, with modifications where appropriate. )
What I am about to write may sound cruel or harsh to you. I know of no way to sugar-coat it that wouldn't also remove the central message - this is THE hardest issue, and the one that MUST be addressed with integrity. So, like quickly pulling off a bandage, here goes
If you are married, you are going to have to accept that your marriage is over. Even in states and provinces that support same-sex marriage, it is unrealistic and unfair to expect a wife to agree that "for better or worse, to death do us part" applies to your particular situation.
Yes, you love her. No, you don't want to hurt her. No, you don't want to lose access to your children. Unfortunately, she's going to feel betrayed and hurt. That you lied to her. That she doesn't really know you. That you're throwing away your marriage and your life.
The alternative isn't healthy. Don't tell her? Do you enjoy the prospect of living a lie? Or throwing away both your lives to continue living that lie? The end result will leave both of you unfulfilled; she doesn't really know you, and you can't be open with either her or yourself. In the end, you'll either have just postponed the inevitable, or ruined your life and robbed her of a chance to make an informed decision.
At some point you both must accept who you are. Your responsibility to her is to be honest about it, and be prepared for the consequences, which includes divorce in almost all cases, and her getting on with her life while you get along with yours.
You're probably asking yourself "Will we remain friends?" The only thing I can say to that is that should not influence your decision to be honest with her. Give her the opportunity to salvage what she can, because to her, this will be devastating.
If you're already seeing a therapist, certainly discuss this beforehand, as well as ensuring that they are available to talk with your wife, as described in the Standards of Care. Your therapist will help you explore the issues, the better to prepare you and your family.
Telling The Children
If the children are young enough to be living at home, you should try to come to some sort of agreement with their mother as to how to handle this, as well as work out the visitation and custody questions. Just keep in mind that what's best for the children is what you are aiming for here. If you're already seeing a therapist, again, it may be possible to arrange for a consultation or a referral.
A large part of how the children react depends on how the parents handle it
There are the feelings of betrayal, abandonment and hostility of the non-transexual parent. Many are so enraged at the transexual parent that they defiantly oppose any contact with the child. As custodial parent, some non-transexual parents instil in the child a distorted, negative image of the absent (or rarely present) transexual parent, the Parental Alienation Syndrome (Gardner 1978). In time, the child, too, opposes continuing or renewed contact. The concern to courts here is that the conflict and trauma imposed on the child of enforcing contact with one parent when the other is implacably opposed, and perhaps the child too is opposed, is greater than terminating contact.
To those worried that contact will "harm the children", the answer is no
There was an overall consensus that factors within the parental relationship and family constellation had significantly more bearing on the outcome for the children than the transition itself. Such factors as abrupt separation from the transitioning parent, non-supportive family members, parental conflict, and an inability for families to work together, are all considered to place the child at risk for adjustment difficulties. Parental conflict also adversely effected long term adjustment for the child.
In summary, a parental gender transition is not a neutral event in the lives of children. It appears, however, that postponement and non-disclosure place the children at greater risk than the transition itself. Factors that prove protective include the children being at an earlier age at the time of the gender transition (except for later adolescence), family members working together, maintenance of contact with both the transitioning and non-transitioning parent, cooperation regarding parenting, and the extended family taking an active role in the lives of the children.
In other words, the children are better off when the parents don't try to "protect" them. Being a martyr, and postponing transition until the children are older isn't a good thing if everyone can agree to work together for the best interests of the child. (... of course, if the custodial parent is using your transexualism either as a method of withholding contact, or a possible threat, you may have to make other choices, depending on your situation, legal advice, etc. No two cases are the same.)
Telling Your Friends
These are actually the easiest people to tell, because they are your friends, and you'll probably be surprised that many will stand behind you. Some will be "weirded out", some won't be able to accept it; some will need some time; some will go "I *knew* there was something
They're your friends. You chose them. They chose you. Just keep in mind that each and every friend who sticks by you is worth more than all the ones who don't combined. You will have some disappointments (for example, people whose religion requires them to reject transexualism will feel you're asking them to choose between God and you - you may even have felt that way yourself), but by and large, there's no reason for you not to be cautiously upbeat.
Telling Your Work
Before disclosing anything to your employer, you owe it to yourself to check out the law in your jurisdiction, as well as any policies in place, and current and past practices, which may or may not accurately reflect those policies.
You may also find it beneficial to check out your state or provincial human rights organisation, as well as any workplace regulatory bodies. The web is pretty good for this. You can submit questions via email to many of these bodies, as well as search their archives, to get an idea of your rights.
Unfortunately, your rights may not be enough. After all, who wants to work at a place that enforces your rights, but doesn't meet their responsibilities when it comes to ensurig a healthy work environment? Or there may be one or more co-workers who are determined to make your life miserable. While you may have legal recourse, you should also consider making a job change as being a healthy move.
For one thing, people at your new place of employment won't have a "history" of you as the other sex, so they won't have to "unlearn" such simple things as calling you by the wrong name. It might be helpful to consider a new job as a "rebound job", just like a "rebound relationship" - something that is nice to have while you make the transition, but not something that you expect to be even semi-permanent.
Obviously, if you're in a small business, or intend to stay in the same department, your co-workers are going to know. You'll get much further ahead if your supervisor is on your side, so getting him or her on your side is important.
IMPORTANT: Before divulging to anyone at work, including your immediate supervisor or boss, try to get the private or home emails (not their work emails) of everyone you work with. In the event that things go bad, you may need to approach individual co-workers to explain your situation and supply references.
Prepare for that meeting differently than you would for telling a friend or family member. This is a business decision.
- Document how you have done your job over the years; include any performance reviews, projects completed, milestones met
(pretend you're composing your resume - or better yet, draw up a new resume, just in case, and pull these facts from it )
-
Outline the problem briefly:
- you have been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder;
- you are currently undergoing therapy;
- this will not prevent you from doing your job;
- you hope and expect to be able to continue to support the company with your skills;
- you are prepared to discuss any problems that may arise;
- you will strive to work out a mutually satisfactory resolution to any problems;
-
Thank them, and try to set another time for answering any questions they have.
(you might want to "conveniently" schedule this towards the end of the work day, so that you can leave without seeming like you're ducking any questions. What you're actually doing is avoiding putting them on the spot. )
At this point, you've done what you can, so try to relax; it's not your responsibility.
Telling Your Church
For many people, religion is a basic part of their life. For others, its part of their social net. Either way, religion presents some unique problems. The trick is to realize that its not worth arguing with someone who is going around saying "Its against God's will!" Let them say what they want. Even if its the pastor or priest, or a lay leader.
You are not a martyr. If you do believe in God, you will best serve Him by refusing to abase yourself. There will be those who will ask questions instead of condemning you. Tell them how you feel, how you're receiving help, and that you would appreciate their support, friendship, and prayer. Your actions in doing so will show your faith.
If you are being condemned from the pulpit, or from teachings in Sunday School or other classes, or being officially shunned, then its time to ask the people around you what church they'd recommend. Better yet, ask those condemning you which church they think you should go to - they will inadvertently help you by naming a local church they hold in contempt because of its more tolerant views.
Keep in mind that you're not looking for "doctrinal purity", or "absolution from sin", but for a place where you can fit in, do your share, and grow.
Now, if you're lucky, you're already in such a church, in which case rejoice, because many transexuals get caught up in religious cults that try to convince them that if they pray enough, God will "heal" them of their "sinful urges."
Telling Others
The good news - in most cases, you won't have to, at least not face to face. For credit card companies, banks, and other institutions, a simple letter along with a copy of your legal name change should be sufficient. Your drivers license may or may not automatically be re-issued under your new name. Either way, you'll still have to go for a photo id, but don't worry - nobody looks like their drivers' license picture, and you're not about to make history by being the first exception.
It's Worth Repeating
- let them know that you have something important to tell them
- you will understand if they can't handle it
- you won't hold their reactions against them
- if the situation were reversed, you couldn't say how you'd react
- if they have any questions, you'll try to answer them
- you may not even know the answers to all the questions yourself yet.
- tell them how you feel
- you've felt that way for a long time
- you've tried everything possible to deny it
- denial just makes you more messed up
- you're getting/will be getting professional help.
- you value their friendship
Okay, What Words Exactly?
I know, you're thinking "Its easy to say "do this, then this," but I don't have those magic words."
How to say how you feel in 100 words, for the male-to-female transexual:
I have never felt the way I look. You see me as a guy, but there's a part of my brain that keeps telling me that's a lie. I can act the part, I do it all the time. Its only an act. I've had a lot of practice, and I'm usually good at it. Good enough to fool you. Almost good enough to fool myself, most of the time, but its been tearing me apart forever, and I can't live like this, so I'm getting professional help. I don't expect you to understand it, just to be a friend.
I hope this helps. As always, if anyone has any questions they want addressed in private, please use my dotcom addy, not the gmail one - write hudson AT groupehudson DOT com (remember the "e" in groupehudson
Two things... (Score:2)
2) How is it that you know so much about this issue?
Re:Two things... (Score:2)
Thanks. When I write a user manual, I like to think its actually readable (not like some of my code).
Good question. Seeing as its Troll Tuesday ... let's do a poll !!!
Re:Two things... (Score:2)
[X] a Canuck (that explains the nervous moose)
[X] a dirty rotten commie pinko (see previous option)
[_] a transsexual myself
[X] pre-op
[_] post-op
[X] m2f
[_] f2m
[_] just trolling trolling trolling
[_] all of the above
[_] none of the above
[_] science isn't sure yet
Re:Two things... (Score:2)
[*] a Canuck (that explains the nervous moose)
[X] a transsexual myself
[X] pre-op
[X] m2f
You're a little bit too searchable and linked to your femme name elsewhere for anyone to get this wrong. I put a * in the Canuck one as I
Re:Two things... (Score:2)
tsk tsk ... you cheated! :-( I forgive you :-)
Now we get to demonstrate by example a bit of what I've been contending in private all along - it doesn't make (much of) a difference to friends.
A0ddressing another question posed elsewhere - no, my writing, even on topics I have to research from scratch, is always at least this good when I'm being paid to write. This series, of course, is a freebee, but it still had/has to be written.
Maybe I'll do some sci-fi afterwards, just for a change of pace.
Re:Two things... (Score:2)
Well, that's a false assumption, but that's okay :-)
For example, I took psychology of sex in college (as well as all the other psy classes), so, depending on what assignment you drew, it would be quite normal to know terms the average layperson wouldn't especially if you were thinking of going into that field.
The same could be said for legal terminology and usage. I'm not a lawyer, but I have spent hundreds of ho
Re:Two things... (Score:2)
Its certainly not the way I laid it out in the "Breaking the News" article :-)
Its always good to get positive feedback (okay, nega
some of us just care. (Score:2)
Re:some of us just care. (Score:1)
-R
Re:some of us just care. (Score:2)
Re:Two things... (Score:2)
In fact, my beliefs and opinions contridict or clash with some of yours, especially on this subject. But, that doesn't matter. Intelligent conversation has no gender bias.
-R
Re:Two things... (Score:2)
It5's always good to get more than 1 side to the story.
Actually, its more than good - its essential.
Thanks for staying around.
I'd like to hear them (it doesn't have to be public - you can always email them so that there's no possibility of a flame war or people thinking its "getting personal" :-)
Re:Two things... (Score:2)
Are you going to go into the hormonal issues? (Score:1)
He also mentioned age having a large effect.
He recently got his BS degree, all his profs wanted him to go on to graduate school, which would have involved (necessity of his field) at least a few years overseas, but he says he did not want to wait that l
Re:Are you going to go into the hormonal issues? (Score:2)
Thanks for the comments ... this is going to turn into a book at this rate :-)
The effects vary with age, as well as the person's physiology, etc., as your friend points out.
Well, I hope I'm not being one-sided to try to "slant" the arguments. Its just that there has been
Re:third side of the coin? (Score:2)
You're welcome. It's taken up a lot of my time to sit down and write, but its worth it knowing its helping people :-)