Journal tomhudson's Journal: Gender Education IV - Q and A So Far 2
I - Basic Info On Transexuality
II - Are You A Transexual?
III - Social and Moral Implications
IV - Questions by Posters - this article
V - Politics And Gender Identity
VI - What's Involved In A Sex Change
VII - Breaking the News
WHAT: This is the fourth of several articles I'll be posting over the next little bit about sex, gender and identity.
WHY: Recent journal entries by several people have shown the need.
RULES: As always, any honest reply or question is welcome, and will be answered, and posted as a top-level JE so that others can read it. This is a sensitive topic, and the people who are most affected are in many cases extremely vulnerable. Please show the same compassion for them as you would want for yourself or a loved one if the situation were reversed.
Q. and A - Questions Raised By Posters So Far
I'll be summarizing the questions, along with answers, but leaving out specific personal details.
What is transexualism?
Surprisingly enough, the original complaint of transexuals, that they felt they were trapped in bodies of the opposite sex, is the best summary. Turns out that when you strip all the psycho-babble that frauds like Dr. John Money lathered on it, the root cause is a brain with a gender-differentiating structure (the part of the brain that tells you what gender you are) of the opposite sex from your biological sex. It could almost be claimed that everything else we have to say on the subject is just commentary.
Why do people get a "sex change"?
Technically, they stay the same sex. Neither their genetic nor their brain sex changes. However, to the extent possible, they can be helped to change their apparent sex to match the message their brain is sending them. This helps lower the discordance they feel between their identity and their body, allowing them to be happier, fully functional individuals.
What's involved? (in 100 words or less)
At the physical level, this involves hormones of the target gender, various surgeries to change the functioning of the genitals, altering of secondary sex characteristics. In the case of male-to-female transexuals, there is also speech therapy (female-to-male transexuals can skip this if they wish - testosterone results in a permanent thickening of the vocal chords and a lowering of the voice), and electrolysis to remove "male" hair.
At the social level, there are individual counselling and group support sessions, learning how to dress and comport oneself appropriately, and name and birth certificate changes, as well as laws to protect against discrimination.
But they won't "really" be the opposite sex?
Depends on what you mean by opposite. They'll actually be the same sex as their brain is telling them, for all practical purposes, not the "opposite". This may sound like quibbling or arguing about how many angels can stand on the head of a pin, but it is essential to understanding what is really going on.
And when I say, "all practical purposes", I'm being pretty inclusive. For example, about 80% of male-to-female transexuals are able to reach climax during sex. Many of them experience multiple orgasms. In retrospect, this shouldn't be too surprising, as sex begins and ends with the brain, and they do have a female brain.
Okay, so now that we're talking about relationships, when should they tell?
That is one of the delicate subjects. Until recently, I was in favour of full disclosure fairly early on. However, I've changed my mind, oddly enough because of the trend I've seen of society assuming a prerogative to encroach more and more on individuals rights and freedoms in other areas.
My opinion - unless you're walking in their shoes, whether tbey be construction boots or stiletto heels, you have to defer to their judgment.
Would I tell? Probably. Would I expect to be told? No. Would I want to be told? Sure - but only so that I could be more supportive.
One argument brought up was "Would you want to be in a relationship where, if the person knew, they would reject you?" On the surface, this makes sense, but it sounds too much like the old "Why won't you answer our questions if you have nothing to hide?"
The only exception, and this because it is a reasonable one, is if the couple are discussing entering into something that requires a serious long-term commitment such as adoption or marriage.
If and when you tell, do so because you want to share a part of your life with someone you trust, not because you are driven by guilt or fear of a later disclosure.
Are transexuals gay?
Some are, some aren't. Same as any other segment of the population at large. The one interesting phenomenum is that many transexuals, during and after transition, are shocked to find their sexual preferences aligning with what is considered "normal" for their target gender.
For example, many hetero M2F transexuals with a history of marriage and children assume that they'll still be attracted to women after they've transitioned, and are quite surprised to find they now see men in a totally different light.
When it was thought that transexualism was psychological, various people put forth theories that transexuals were really homosexuals and lesbians who were looking for a socially acceptable way of expressing their sexual desires. Now that we know that transexuality is biological in origin, centered in the structure of the brain, we can toss those theories out.
So the simple answer is, some are, some aren't, and there's no way of telling which will be which beforehand.
I've done some/a lot or gender-variant behaviour. Am I a transexual?
Dressing up as the opposite sex, adopting the mannerisms of the opposite sex, or any other gender-variant behaviour by itself - no. If you're doing this because it makes you feel good, or feel good about yourself, again - no. Transexualism manifests as a strong feeling of wrongness about your current biological sex. Adopting the dress and mannerisms is just one consequence of this. It needs to be accompanied by the strong urge to actually rid yourself of the physical primary and secondary sex characteristics of your current sex.
I just know I'm a transexual. What do I do
Find a large hospital with a gender clinic. You can use the internet to research their sites.
Phone them. Explain your situation, and be prepared to leave some contact info (if you're still in the "I'm not sure" stage, or your personal life is complicated by the presence of other family members, this could be a trusted friends' phone number, or maybe its time to invest in one of those "pay as you go" cell phones.
If you're in a crisis situation (for example, you thought you were handling everything okay, but all the denial, etc., has you feeling overwhelmed, or you are overcome by an urge to remove the offending organs yourself), head to the nearest emergency ward. Tell them you need a psych consult, and write this down on a card to give at admitting - "GENDER DYSPHORA/TRANSEXUALISM" - the duty nurse in emergency is pretty much guaranteed not to get it right if you don't write it down for them. Give them the card along with instructions to clip it to the form. You don't need the embarrasment of spelling it out for them on top of everything else, and the doctor who reads the card will appreciate not having to figure out the little squiggles that pass for information on admitting forms.
What will probably happen is you'll talk to a doctor or two, then, once they're sure you're not currently a danger to yourself, they'll arrange for you to talk to the on-duty psychiatrist, who will interview you and refer you to their gender clinic.
I thought I was, but then I overcame it - but the doubts keep coming back
And they always will. There is nothing wrong with being a transexual, just as there's nothing wrong with being adopted, or belonging to a particular ethnic or language group.
You didn't overcome it - but you weren't at the stage where you were ready to seek help in exploring your options. That's okay, too. Its not a sign of weakness, just a sign of not being ready for the next step.
I've taken those tests on the internet - they say I'm trans
That's nice. You know the tests mean nothing, right? They score on such things as whether you can park a car, your mathematical ability, your favourite colour - in other words, they just measure you against a stereotype. According to those criteria, half the women in the world are really men.
There may be some validity to the conjecture that people with less extreme cases of GID find other ways of coping, rather than living as their target sex, and that we see the extremes, who might map better to stereotypical behaviour, but its not science.
Until then, the best anyone can do is look into themselves and ask if this is what they want for their lives.
- Do you feel you should have been born the opposite sex, and that somehow you've been cheated? Has this feeling been present for a long time?
- Were you singled out by others when you were younger for acting in gender-inappropriate ways? If a male, were you punished for being a "sissy", if a female, were you similarly punished for being a "tomboy"?
- Are you finding the question of your gender consuming more and more of your time, interfering with your enjoyment of your daily life?
- Have you thought of living as a member of your target sex?
- Have you tried passing as a member of your target sex in public?
- If in public, were you successful, and did you continue, whether you were or not?
One of my freends just told me he's going to be a she/she's going to be a he. What do I do
Listen. Be honest about how you feel about this news. If you can be supportive, all the better. Ask them when they're going to start living as a member of their target sgender and how they want to be addressed when you meet them. Let them know that you are prepared and expect to see them presenting in their target gender when you go to their home, that they don't have to change anything for you. Invite them over for a quiet dinner or a video, and again tell them that you understand they'll be more comfortable if they are presenting in their target gender. If they seem reluctant (maybe they're not really ready to be seen in public), let them know they can bring their "kit" along, and change in the privacy of a bedroom or bathroom.
Gradually, they'll be ready to admit other people into the trusted circle, or be confident enough that they won't have to worry about people questioning their appearance, at which point you might want to offer to meet with them for a meal at a restaurant, or a night out with other people who aren't necessarily "clued in".
My spouse just told me they want a sex change. Why did they lie to me all these years?
The short answer is that they were trained from an early age that any demonstration of cross-gender behaviour was wrong and would be punished. It doesn't mean they don't love you. In fact, many married transexuals have an unrealistic hope that, somehow, they will find a way for the marriage can continue. They really do love their spouses. Unfortunately, their brains keep giving them another message - that they are the wrong sex.
They weren't lying to you so much as trying to cope with an impossible situation, and its unrealistic to expect them to continue to wage what would ultimately be an unwinnable war. Assigning blame in such cases is a destructive exercise in futility.
further reading
Transexual Roadmap
Lynn Conway
International Journal of Transgenderism - Peer-reviewed medical articles
Next up - gender politics
Re:Good series. :-) (Score:2)
Thanks for writing. Not a problem as far as the anon post is concerned :-)
Here's my take on the whole thing - while I believe sexual attraction is biologically based (or has a strong biological component), the experience of m2f transsexuals who find their sexual attraction realiging with their target gener poses a more important question - should it even matter whether its biological or not?