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Journal Talinom's Journal: I See Parachute Pants 14

Journal by Talinom
Every morning I have my computer wake me up to the morning news. This helps me with my commute so I can leave early if traffic is sucking badly. The meteorologists futile attempts at forecasting the weather (shouldn't they be forecasting meteors?) both lets me know the upcoming weather and have a good laugh as they try to forecast ten days out.

However this morning on their "Decision 2004" segment they had a little thing on John Kerry. It would seem that like Bill Clinton's saxophone, John Kerry also plays an instrument, a guitar to be exact.

This is natural. All politicians try to connect with the younger crowd by appealing to their culture; unfortunately the guitar symbolizes rock & roll, not the best choice for today's youth. If they are going to try to connect let's look at a few rules that they feel they must play by:

Political parties tend to not go out on a limb. They like to choose someone who they can control, or at least has most of the same views as they do. Control can be by blackmail, monetary incentives, or threats. Or they could just want to do a good job. Or just have a job for that matter.

The candidate for President, sadly, must be a white male between 35 and 50 years old. Personally I would like to see this trend broken, but what do you expect from parties that aren't trying to offend anyone or take a chance.

The candidate must appear to be approachable by the people. Celebrities fit this goal quite well. Former celebrities might also be a good choice.

So, we need to have someone malleable, controllable, white, 35-50 years old, and a former celebrity. Couple this with the inability to know "what cool is" and you can only come up with one choice:

Vanilla Ice in 2012.

He's as American as mom, baseball, and apple pie with Vanilla Ice cream.

Now you might be thinking "He's the laughingstock of former celebrities" and you may be right, but at least he isn't Milli Vanilli. Fakers, hoaxers, and with no talent whatsoever. Mr. Ice is not like that at all.

Multi-talented performer, Mr. Ice has sold over 18 million records, starred in a major motion picture, and reinvented himself to keep himself as relevant now as he was at the beginning of his career.

But what of politics you might ask. Good question. And for every good question there must be a good answer. Help elect Mr. Ice in 2012 and find out.

While the Bush camp doesn't have much to worry about, other candidates be warned. The Ice Man Cometh.

Vote, vote, baby!

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I See Parachute Pants

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    • Man, I almost died doing the research for this. The flashbacks were just killing me.

      What surprised me the most was he still has a fan club, he has his own website, he put out an album or two since his initial downfall, has hope for his career, and still thinks that he has talent!

      My bad. I haven't actually listened to any of his old stuff in a loooong time and have never heard any of his new stuff, so I can't really judge any talent or lack thereof properly. But it was an easy shot. The one thing that
    • Oh, it's worse than that. Vanilla Ice [imdb.com] is going to be in a movie called The Helix, Loaded [imdb.com]. He is going to be a guy called "Theo". When "The One" dies Orpheum goes looking for "The Other One". This is either going to be really funny or it is going to blow like a class 5 hurricane.
    • point 1: BHG rules. I know some of them. :)

      point 2: Ice isn't that big of a pop-guy anymore. I was actually quite impressed when he did the "Surreal Life" with Tammy Fae Baker, Ron Jeremy, Ponch from CHiPs, Trichelle from the Real World, and Tracy Bingham. He is more of a wild punkishs guy. Think Puck from the old Mtv Real World only with good hygene.

      -Ab
    • Didn't he race Jet Skiis there for a while, too?
  • You must have missed my earlier observations [slashdot.org] on celebrity candidate possibilities. Jerry Springer has one thing Vanilla Ice can never get: Street Cred.

    I'm done now. Don't hurt me.
    • What, 'cos he admitted to wanting to do a mom and a daughter together? Or 'cos he was maya of Cinci?
    • This would be good.

      The Presidential debates would finally have ratings.

      You thought you saw negative political advertising before he ran? Shit, he would mutilate any previous conception of smear campaign you had.

      He would ensure that the UN was finally entertaining by exposing the dirty laundry of each country in the worst way possible.

      Same with the Senate and the House.

      Appointees to the Supreme Court? Nuff said.

      His State Of The Union speach would have the highest ratings EVAH.

      No one would fuck with

  • Every morning I have my computer wake me up to the morning news. This helps me with my commute so I can leave early if traffic is sucking badly. The meteorologists futile attempts at forecasting the weather (shouldn't they be forecasting meteors?) both lets me know the upcoming weather and have a good laugh as they try to forecast ten days out.

    Ah yes the glorious PNW where the topics on everyone's mind in the morning are "how bad is the traffic" and "what kind of freaky shit is the weather supposed to do

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